worriedwife2

Hello,

I am really working hard on detaching from my AH with love. I am very new to this. I am reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

My problem is we have a vacation planned in two weeks to go to the ocean. My AH cannot go because he has started a new job. My children and I are going with the rest of my family too. I am actually kind of glad he can't go. I keep telling myself I will not call him 50 times a day and worry about whether he is drinking and driving. Like I said, I am new at this and am worried I will get obsessive 600 miles away. Do you have any words of advice about how to keep myself under control. Any little sayings I can say in my head when I start losing it.

I would like to say this won't effect me and what he does is his own responsibility, but I know me and I know how I can get. I am really working on this though.

Thanks in advance for any help.

Chris

sunflowerintx

Welcome! It sounds like you are taking the right steps to improving your life!

Just think this through. If you can't control his drinking and/or driving at home, what makes you think you could do it 600 miles away? I am in no way being sarcastic but I know the insanity of being with an alcoholic.

Maybe he will drink and drive and get caught. Or maybe he won't. Either way, HE has to face the consequences of his drinking.

There are plenty of one-liners but the Serenity Prayer may help you get through the times you want to try to control the situation....

Here's the short version:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

respektingme

The serenity prayer is a good one. Also, consider how special this time will be for you and your family. What memories will you want to bring back? Keep yourself in the moment. Live life for you.

BTW, I've called my AH out of town before all hours of the night when he wouldn't answer his phone. When he finally has before, say around 3am or 6am, he'd either be drunk or tell me his bs lies which I knew meant had had been drinking. What good did my calls do? I lost a lot of sleep, was grumpy and ticked the next day and probably lost plenty of brain cells. It changed nothing.

If I had rented a movie with the kids, gone to bed and had a nice sleep, nothing about him would have been different. But everything about me would have been different.

He's going to drink if he's going to drink. No phone calls from you are going to change that. Alcoholics who value their sobriety have things they can do to help themselves resist. They can call their sponsors, go to extra meetings, read more or whatever. But getting reminder calls from you isn't one of them. In fact, I'd try to avoid calling him very often if I were you. Why invite the drama into your vacation. May have him wondering how it's possible that you're able to have a good time without him rather than having him realize how emotionally attached you are to him that you have to call him all the time.

Go, have a good time, take lots of pictures. Make a photo album of your trip when you get back so you and the kids can remember every bit of it. And don't let the poison of alcohol invade your trip. I took the kids on a trip a few weeks ago. We had the BEST time. No worries about alcohol. I didn't call my AH, he called me. And when we got home, he was stoned drunk. Wouldn't have mattered if I had called him the whole time or not. We had a great time though. I don't think I ever really thought about him much on my trip. Was having too much fun.

Barbara52

Perhaps tape a helpful little phrase right on your phone? Something that can grab your attention and remind you that calling won't change what ever might be happneing back at home?

CatsPajamas

Let go and Let God worked for me. So did saying the serenity prayer about 100x a day. And realizing that adult choices = adult consequences. Add in the 3 C's : you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

Stay in the moment, and try to enjoy your vacation. Don't let your awfulizing and worrying rob you of your serenity and your fun!

worriedwife2

Thanks everyone. I will try all of your suggestions. I think the taping on the phone is great.

CatsPajamas

There was a time in my life when I had sticky notes by the phone, on the bathroom mirror and by the door, to remind me of what I wanted to say from a recovery point of view... because, trust me, that was NOT my normal way of thinking or speaking!

ToughChoices

Hi there!

My three year-old and I recently went on our first vacation without my AH, and I certainly had my moments of intense fear.

As much as I had looked forward to the trip (we went to the beach, as well), in the days just before we left I was tempted to change my plans so that I could keep an eye on my A.

What if he didn't go to work?
What if he drank and drove?
What if he became ill?

I had to stop myself from walking down that mental road.

Eckhart Tolle says "worry pretends to be necessary", and that certainly rings true for me. Worrying about my husband had become a favorite hobby of mine - I claimed to hate it, but I kept on doing it because it made me feel like I was accomplishing something.

I wasn't.
I was just ruining my chances of having a good time.
I had to let HIM own the consequences of HIS actions.

My son and I went on our trip and had SO much fun.

I called my husband once a day (we pre-arranged the time), and if he didn't answer the phone I simply left a message telling him that we loved him.
I did not call him back until the next day - this helped keep my worrying/checking tendencies under control.

I do not know if he drank while we were gone, but I do know that none of my "worst fears" came true. Worrying about it was simply waste of time.

Have a great time on your vacation!
-TC