Mambo Queen

I left my husband to live with my folks with the intention of divorcing him about three weeks ago. About a week in, AH talked me into not divorcing him and giving him a chance to prove himself, that he wanted recovery, couldn't stand to lose us, you know the drill I'm sure. I told him I wouldn't move back in with him for a while until I saw him DO the actions. He's supposed to start an outpatient, two-week program tomorrow. He went to the intake by himself on Saturday while my daughter and I were on vacation with my family. Well, now he's laying on the manipulation THICK--because he's scared to stop drinking, and scared to do this outpatient program. He fully admits the fear, but says that since I "abandoned him" I'm not being supportive of his attempt to recover, and that he needs me and the daughter to move back home or he's afraid he won't be able to be as strong as he needs to be to get through this. Called me recently to say that he may just call an ambulance to take him to the hospital so he can do inpatient instead. I said "fine" and left it at that; then he freaked out on me and wanted me to tell him I just didn't care about him, which I have always refused to do, since I DO care about him, I just no longer believe that I can solve every little drama of his. I don't know. I feel really, really stuck. I love him and would love to see him recover--my daughter, who's four, cries often about wanting to see Daddy, and I know if we divorce he'll probably be a wreck. Some times we have great talks where he says how much he wants help and is excited to finally start dealing with this and that he'll do anything I need him to do to prove his commitment to sobriety and our family, and then some days are like today, where he's full of the blame game (most of this is somehow my fault, you see) and depression, where all he can focus on is how terrible life is, particulary now that his big, bad wife left him all alone. He does get to me though when he says that he really needs to know he has my support and isn't alone, because he really doesn't have anyone else in his life except for a few sisters who aren't the most supportive. I'm sorry for the lengthy, rambling nature of this post, I just feel stuck sometimes. I don't want to move back home yet, but then again, my parents kind of put pressure on me to divorce him, and I'm not ready to do that right now, not without seeing if he is able to work a recovery program. But sometimes I DO feel bad and like I am abandoning him in his time of need.

cautious

Hi, Mambo Queen. I could have written your exact post a year and a half ago. I did return after I saw AA/treatment effort and improvement, but he didn't get or stay sober. He just worked harder to hide it. I asked him to leave two months after dd and I had moved back, and we've been separated for a year now.

If your A will not get sober with you gone, then he will not get sober with you there. Frankly, I think it's darn "supportive" to be out of the way, taking care of your daughter, and letting him have the space to tackle sobriety. If that's what he really wants. You'll know soon enough.

In my opinion, your own and your daughter's survival come first. If you're on the Titanic, you can either get on a lifeboat or you can go down with the ship, right?

And, hopefully, your parents will back off. You're making very important decisions, which should not be made in haste.

Best wishes to you. . .

LaTeeDa

Although I've not been in the alcoholic's shoes, I can imagine how scary it must be to finally be given back your choices. To know that it's all on you--sink or swim. If I were desperate enough, I would probably try every trick in the book to not have to do it. I think you are right in putting your life and your child's life first. I would let him know that you are watching his actions, and that you will believe what you see, not what he says. The truth is, nobody needs someone else to get their life right. If he really wants to get his life right, he will. You are not that powerful.

No matter what he does or doesn't do, you will be okay. Keep that first and foremost in your thoughts, okay?

Oh, and as far as line between being supportive and keeping yourself sane? What's more important? I would opt for keeping myself sane, even if it means not being supportive.

L

Spiritual Seeker

While at home with your parents to watch your child, find an alanon mtg in the area.

You have layed out a boundary, best to stick to it.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.

let it begin with you.

Mambo Queen

Here is a question I have about Al-Anon. I have been to a few meetings, but I kind of always feel like I'm arriving late to a movie that everybody else is in the middle of. In other words, all of the people seem to already know each other and have their own shorthand, and the topic that is being discussed is maybe something fairly random like "justification" or something, and the people never really bring up their problem relationship. I get that the focus is supposed to be on YOU and not the alcoholic, but sometimes, what I really want is to just be able to talk about specific issues, worries, or concerns I have about the relationship, or about the pain of letting the relationship go, and it has felt to me (in the few Al-Anon meetings I've attended) that that doesn't really happen so much there. I'm not downing Al-Anon, and I think the answer may be to try and find a newcomer's group or just try out more groups, so I would like to hear from someone with more Al-Anon experience what you think.

sunflowerintx

I definitely think finding a Newcomers Alanon meeting is a great idea. You may have to go to a few to find one where you feel comfortable. You're correct in that the focus is YOU in Alanon. You can choose to speak about your situation but in all reality, you will not get advice from the other members. All they can do is share their experience, strength and hope with you.

As far as going back to your H...well, if he's only willing to do this now to win you back...it's not real. Unfortunately, it has to be for HIM and because he has reached a point where he is uncomfortable with his drinking. He has to want it for himself regardless of whether your marriage works out. I'm not saying that he won't embrace recovery but the chances of him staying sober and working a program are slim to none if he's only doing it to reunite the family.

I would ask your folks to give you some space regarding your marriage. Is there a reason to rush your decision? If not, I would take your time and work on YOU in the meantime.

((((( hugs )))))

Spiritual Seeker

Al-anon takes time to find the meeting that is right for you.
It also takes time to understand how to work the 12 steps through al-anon.

I have made several very good friends from my home group.
We meet, talk by phone, etc. and can relate on a personal level with the good, bad and ugly in our lives.
Our common experiences helped up become close quickly.
They all have kids who are addicts as I do.
But you will meet many women who are in your situation.

Don't be afraid or shy to reach out during this difficult time.