When Was It Time For You?
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Join Date: May 2008
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When Was It Time For You?
At this point, I have no complaints because he's gone, number has been officially changed for 10 days now, and trying to move on.
HOWEVER...in the 2.5 months since "Hurricane A" came into my life, I've cried more tears than...lets just say out of about 90 days I've cried at least 60 probably. I've gained stress weight, and haven't had to the money to do my hair, haven't plucked the brows in a bit too. Pedicure is snarly. I know I'm ready to move on though, because I ACTUALLY CARE that my hair is a mess and Pedicure needs to be done, and weight needs to be lost. Life needs to move forward. Which brings me to the topic question:
When did you know it was time to get LAID? And by that, I mean with someone new (Yikes!)?
I mean, why not, it's not like I'm getting back with the ex. I'll miss the good qualities in him but truth be told, I'll never sign up for this again. Truth be told, I want to be with a man that I can have the odd glass of wine or champagne with. Truth be told, he's just not the man for me.
So that leaves me living the rest of my life, and I need to get laid again. I would like to get laid by someone who is a good lover and halfway cares about my pleasure, because (SURPRISE SURPRISE) exalkie/a-hole TRUTHFULLY was lazy lover that couldn't even pull it together in bed, even with his noteworthy equipment. How does that happen?!?????!!!!
But I digress. I'm scared, and I need to shake off the "sackcloth and ashes" and get myself back out there for a little "fun". How did you guys go about this? How did you do this safely? I'm always scared I'll meet someone who will drug me, or chop me to bits. With this attitude I'll be re-virginized, or fall for YET ANOTHER loser just so I can be touched.
...And PLEASE don't suggest toys, I did toys to death in the 3 celibate years before alkie/a-hole loser, I REFUSE to wait another 3 years, 1 year, or six months. He got the car started again, and I don't want to sit in idle. HELP!
HOWEVER...in the 2.5 months since "Hurricane A" came into my life, I've cried more tears than...lets just say out of about 90 days I've cried at least 60 probably. I've gained stress weight, and haven't had to the money to do my hair, haven't plucked the brows in a bit too. Pedicure is snarly. I know I'm ready to move on though, because I ACTUALLY CARE that my hair is a mess and Pedicure needs to be done, and weight needs to be lost. Life needs to move forward. Which brings me to the topic question:
When did you know it was time to get LAID? And by that, I mean with someone new (Yikes!)?
I mean, why not, it's not like I'm getting back with the ex. I'll miss the good qualities in him but truth be told, I'll never sign up for this again. Truth be told, I want to be with a man that I can have the odd glass of wine or champagne with. Truth be told, he's just not the man for me.
So that leaves me living the rest of my life, and I need to get laid again. I would like to get laid by someone who is a good lover and halfway cares about my pleasure, because (SURPRISE SURPRISE) exalkie/a-hole TRUTHFULLY was lazy lover that couldn't even pull it together in bed, even with his noteworthy equipment. How does that happen?!?????!!!!
But I digress. I'm scared, and I need to shake off the "sackcloth and ashes" and get myself back out there for a little "fun". How did you guys go about this? How did you do this safely? I'm always scared I'll meet someone who will drug me, or chop me to bits. With this attitude I'll be re-virginized, or fall for YET ANOTHER loser just so I can be touched.
...And PLEASE don't suggest toys, I did toys to death in the 3 celibate years before alkie/a-hole loser, I REFUSE to wait another 3 years, 1 year, or six months. He got the car started again, and I don't want to sit in idle. HELP!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Im usually on the drug forum, my ex died of an od and my daughter is Alcoholic, my dad died from it, my 2 ex husbands are both alcoholic, my god...Its all I knew...now, I know I cannot be around it...Im not gonna suggest toys, Im gonna suggest something else...Spend a few months on getting yourself on track, looking good, feeling strong, not compromising your needs or the things you want...Im going thru the same kind of thing right now, its hard, seems so many single ones are into the party scene, I want one that is a light if any drinker, no drugs, has some of the recovery principals in them naturally and is HOT...Im talking to god about it, he will bring me what I need, I know that, probably not what Im expecting[weird sense of humor], but Im keeping my eyes open...good luck..
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Maybe this is a clue. I have had many clues along the way of my recovery that have prompted extreme growth, spiritually. Why is it you feel the need to get laid? Why is it that toys are not a good solution. Look inside and try to figure out what you think you are missing. 90 days is nothing in the grand scheme of things. What is it you are trying to fulfill? (No pun intended) I can fulfill my own needs on a temporary basis. Why is it you need someone (anyone?) to do that for you. This could be a huge revelation about your own psyche, if you let it..............
L
L
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
Call me a prude, but nobody is getting my goodies anytime soon. I'm still legally married, but separated. Even when I was divorced, I didn't have sex with anyone....lots of kisses and some messing around, but no sex.
You wrote about the things you want to change and I have my own list as well. Take care of those first and the rest will come when YOU are in a good place.
More importantly, you should do the work now to protect yourself from having another fixer upper in your life.
Good luck!
You wrote about the things you want to change and I have my own list as well. Take care of those first and the rest will come when YOU are in a good place.
More importantly, you should do the work now to protect yourself from having another fixer upper in your life.
Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
Well, I can see your points of view, and I am a spiritual person myself.
However I'm a carnal person. I know when we are being psycho-analized to death, psychiatry teaches that there is a "reason" for everything, a deep-seated "reason".
Well, I disagree. There is the spiritual, and the psyche, but there is the physical as well. So, will answer the questions in the most PG-13 way that I can.
I have sexual urges. Sexual urges are like hunger pangs, and I'm hungry. I don't want to starve. I want the heat of another human beings body that a cold toy can't provide. I want to be kissed while satifying my urges. I can't kiss myself, or hold myself while satisfying myself with a toy. I'm just not that flexible, and I'm hetero, so I would like a man to be the one kissing and pleasing me, not me tying myself up like a pretzel trying to hold and kiss myself.
So bottom line for me right now: I'm H@#ny and I want to get F*&!ed. It's that simple. That doesn't mean that I'm going to put out a red light, or buy out Victoria's Secret. That doesn't mean I don't value myself, or I'm running or hiding. No, I'm simply wanting to close the door on "the past" because although it's the recent past, it's in the past, I can't change it, heal it, it's over, won't happen again, and I want to move on. That's just who I am, I don't want to waste my precious present moments lingering on the past. I've learned my lessons, I'm actually grateful for him, because he led me here to deal with ACOA issues and to learn deeply about addiction and how it's shaped my life.
But, what I have also learned is how short life is, and there's a time to mourn and a time to move forward. That's where I'm coming from.
However I'm a carnal person. I know when we are being psycho-analized to death, psychiatry teaches that there is a "reason" for everything, a deep-seated "reason".
Well, I disagree. There is the spiritual, and the psyche, but there is the physical as well. So, will answer the questions in the most PG-13 way that I can.
I have sexual urges. Sexual urges are like hunger pangs, and I'm hungry. I don't want to starve. I want the heat of another human beings body that a cold toy can't provide. I want to be kissed while satifying my urges. I can't kiss myself, or hold myself while satisfying myself with a toy. I'm just not that flexible, and I'm hetero, so I would like a man to be the one kissing and pleasing me, not me tying myself up like a pretzel trying to hold and kiss myself.
So bottom line for me right now: I'm H@#ny and I want to get F*&!ed. It's that simple. That doesn't mean that I'm going to put out a red light, or buy out Victoria's Secret. That doesn't mean I don't value myself, or I'm running or hiding. No, I'm simply wanting to close the door on "the past" because although it's the recent past, it's in the past, I can't change it, heal it, it's over, won't happen again, and I want to move on. That's just who I am, I don't want to waste my precious present moments lingering on the past. I've learned my lessons, I'm actually grateful for him, because he led me here to deal with ACOA issues and to learn deeply about addiction and how it's shaped my life.
But, what I have also learned is how short life is, and there's a time to mourn and a time to move forward. That's where I'm coming from.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by sunflowerintx 
Call me a prude, but nobody is getting my goodies anytime soon. I'm still legally married, but separated. Even when I was divorced, I didn't have sex with anyone....lots of kisses and some messing around, but no sex.
You wrote about the things you want to change and I have my own list as well. Take care of those first and the rest will come when YOU are in a good place.
More importantly, you should do the work now to protect yourself from having another fixer upper in your life.
Good luck!
You wrote about the things you want to change and I have my own list as well. Take care of those first and the rest will come when YOU are in a good place.
More importantly, you should do the work now to protect yourself from having another fixer upper in your life.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
I absolutely respect your view, needtolearn. It never occurred to me that you'd take it any other way...I'm sorry if you were offended.
If I wanted a FWB situation, I'd probably check out Craigslist...tons and tons of guys looking for that type of thing. Just take precautions for your safety.
I have a man who would jump on a FWB situation and he's only an email away, if I wanted it....
If I wanted a FWB situation, I'd probably check out Craigslist...tons and tons of guys looking for that type of thing. Just take precautions for your safety.
I have a man who would jump on a FWB situation and he's only an email away, if I wanted it....
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I am also a very physical, sensual person, and I'm not saying you should psychoanalyze it to death. All I'm saying is that I found out that I was trying to fill some "hole in my soul" with physical love. Once I discovered that, there was no longer a yearning for someone to "get my fix." I still have intense physical desires. I still find sex very powerful and moving. But, I no longer need to find "a fix." It's something that happens in my life naturally, and in the appropriate context. If that context is not available at a particular time, I can manage without it.........................
JMHO,
L
JMHO,
L
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: InThisTwilight
Posts: 8
Hi there needtolearn Something you said stood out to me. You mentioned just wanting to close the door on the past and move on - could it be that you feel that if you sleep with someone new, you will be able to put your ex behind you faster? I do agree with what others have said, it's a good idea to get yourself on track perhaps before seeking someone new, however, we all work in our own ways Best to you!
Something you said stood out to me. You mentioned just wanting to close the door on the past and move on - could it be that you feel that if you sleep with someone new, you will be able to put your ex behind you faster? I do agree with what others have said, it's a good idea to get yourself on track perhaps before seeking someone new, however, we all work in our own ways Best to you!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
You sound desperate Needtolearn! This was the word that came into my mind when I read through this thread. Out of curiosity of what being desperate actually means, I looked it up and got these results...
desperate (adj.) arising from or marked by despair or loss of hope
desperate (adj.) desperately determined : "do-or-die revolutionaries"
desperate (n.) a person who is frightened and in need of help
1. Without hope; given to despair; hopeless. [Obs.]
2. Beyond hope; causing despair; extremely perilous; irretrievable; past cure
3. Proceeding from, or suggested by, despair; without regard to danger or safety; reckless; furious; as, a desperate effort.
4. Extreme, in a bad sense; outrageous;
Originally Posted by needtolearn
...So bottom line for me right now: I'm H@#ny and I want to get F*&!ed. It's that simple..
I agree with the others - slow down! The tone and feeling that permeates through your posts to me is of someone who is going so fast they are heading for a train wreck!
Hope you find some calm and serenity for you,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Everyone has their own morals and ways of living those morals so I'll leave that aspect out.
Personally, I would be looking at myself and trying to figure out what deeper need I was trying to fill through a sexual encounter. Many years ago for me, the reason in part would have to do with experiences in my childhood that led me to devalue the sexual act to something that was easily separated into a physcial need/act without the emotional context. Having suffered abuse as a child, I came to view having sex as a means of getting the appearance of closeness/intimacy without that actual closeness intimacy. I didn't value myself and I didn't value what the sexual act could be within the right context.
I have come to the point where I cannot enter into a sexual liason without having the underlying intimate relationship. I no longer will cheapen myself that way. I would love to someday again have an intimate relationship and all that will entail. But inthe mean time, I will not allow my physical nature lead me to what for me would be a big mistake.
Personally, I would be looking at myself and trying to figure out what deeper need I was trying to fill through a sexual encounter. Many years ago for me, the reason in part would have to do with experiences in my childhood that led me to devalue the sexual act to something that was easily separated into a physcial need/act without the emotional context. Having suffered abuse as a child, I came to view having sex as a means of getting the appearance of closeness/intimacy without that actual closeness intimacy. I didn't value myself and I didn't value what the sexual act could be within the right context.
I have come to the point where I cannot enter into a sexual liason without having the underlying intimate relationship. I no longer will cheapen myself that way. I would love to someday again have an intimate relationship and all that will entail. But inthe mean time, I will not allow my physical nature lead me to what for me would be a big mistake.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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needtolearn,
I understand. It's up to you to psychoanalyze yourself to figure out if there's some bigger need that you're filling with sex, etc etc etc
But I know that I've been through times (esp. in my younger decades) where I simply wanted sex. That physical contact that kicks all those endorphins loose in your bloodstream. I wasn't looking for a protector, a champion, or a new boyfriend, just a playmate I could laugh and tumble with every so often, and then get back to my regular life.
For a lot of us, it's a hormonal thing. {shrug} Goes away as you get older.
Just be super-careful, and make sure you're honest with people about what you want. I have a pair of friends who have an every-Friday-night thing. They're fine with that, for now. This might be a temporary thing for you, who knows. But be careful.
I understand. It's up to you to psychoanalyze yourself to figure out if there's some bigger need that you're filling with sex, etc etc etc
But I know that I've been through times (esp. in my younger decades) where I simply wanted sex. That physical contact that kicks all those endorphins loose in your bloodstream. I wasn't looking for a protector, a champion, or a new boyfriend, just a playmate I could laugh and tumble with every so often, and then get back to my regular life.
For a lot of us, it's a hormonal thing. {shrug} Goes away as you get older.
Just be super-careful, and make sure you're honest with people about what you want. I have a pair of friends who have an every-Friday-night thing. They're fine with that, for now. This might be a temporary thing for you, who knows. But be careful.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 84
I have a lot of the same feelings. There are days that I wish I could walk up to some hot guy and say--well, you know. But I know me and until I recover from my codependence, I know that I will be latching on to that hot guy for dear life and using him to get me out of my current mess.
I don't at all have a "moral" issue with that, I wish I could be that girl--just sex, nothing more--but I'm not (yet). And I don't need another 16 years with some hot guy that I picked up who is an addict.
I don't at all have a "moral" issue with that, I wish I could be that girl--just sex, nothing more--but I'm not (yet). And I don't need another 16 years with some hot guy that I picked up who is an addict.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
IMO I don't believe that one would only want sex because something was "missing" from their lives. It doesn't have to be a plug or a sticky plaster for pain etc...
Maybe there are no underlying reasons....Sex can be great fun, if both people are concenting adults and you practise safe sex, then why not have it?
If one wanted to ride a rollercoaster for fun and the "rush" would that need to be psychoanalyzed? Sex, whilst great with someone you love and who loves you, can be just as great with a f*** buddy or someone you're not emotionally intimate with. It is after all, a basic human desire...emotions don't "always" have to come into it.
Maybe there are no underlying reasons....Sex can be great fun, if both people are concenting adults and you practise safe sex, then why not have it?
If one wanted to ride a rollercoaster for fun and the "rush" would that need to be psychoanalyzed? Sex, whilst great with someone you love and who loves you, can be just as great with a f*** buddy or someone you're not emotionally intimate with. It is after all, a basic human desire...emotions don't "always" have to come into it.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
When I hooked up with my second ex wife (the one who brought me to SR) we had known each other for years and had a history. We both had busy lives, kids, and just over recent divorces, it was agreed we would just be FWB and enjoy the fact that we had a sexual compatibility that ranks up there with once in a life time... (oh man!). That plan didn't work either! LOL!!!
I say be a monk
I say be a monk
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
I gave myself just under a year. My relationship was three years of mind****ery, and I needed a bunch of time to recover.
Luckily, I think that female sexuality accomodates this. Right after the breakup, I was completely preoccupied with the thought of sex. I really, really missed it. (Truth to be told, my ex was a great lover.) But as time went on, I missed it less.
I allowed myself the occasional makeout, lots of flirting, but I was concerned about getting involved with someone before I was mentally healthy. And, honestly, I was angry at men who hit on me. I was so damaged that I reasoned that anyone who was attracted to me had some kind of predatory instinct, or a screw loose.
At any rate, I just gave myself some time to get over the whole ordeal. Now, my ex was an abusive alcoholic, so I probably had more stabalizing to do than if that weren't the case.
So, right now I am at the point where I have decided to have a "casual" relationship. The thought of having an actual boyfriend is really unappealing still.
This is the first time I have tried something like this. It's nice. We get along well, it is respectful, it is just pretty relaxed. He is also not in the mood for anything serious, so I think we are on the same page. But he is a great guy, and I have no worries that he is going to chop me to bits, or whatever.
Oh, and he is ten years younger than me and completely hot, which makes me feel like a PLAYER! (It also makes me laugh, because I have lectured so many of my guy friends who have behaved this way. I kind of get it now.)
I will say that sex with someone else has helped to clear out the remaining ghosts in my head. But I don't think that is always the case. I was pretty much healed up, happy with my own company, etc. by the time I got involved in this. Not sure that is an effective strategy right away, I have never tried it.
Personally, I always feel a need to be emotionally responsible with others. I would never drag someone into my problems, so I wait until I can do that. I also waited because I didn't want to make something insignificant into something significant in order to run from what was troubling me.
Now I am able to have my pretty, pretty boy and not feel bad about it. Yay.
And I will say that I think this current thing is good news for me. It is helping me get over some of my irrational fears. It also is helping me to be more open to others, instead of spiralling off into complete romantic isolation (which is tempting when I look at life with and without a terrible boyfriend.)
Sorry to have written so much. Lots of coffee this morning.
Oh! And in terms of finding someone for the sex? Really not hard, if you are a woman. (Sorry, but it's true.)
Luckily, I think that female sexuality accomodates this. Right after the breakup, I was completely preoccupied with the thought of sex. I really, really missed it. (Truth to be told, my ex was a great lover.) But as time went on, I missed it less.
I allowed myself the occasional makeout, lots of flirting, but I was concerned about getting involved with someone before I was mentally healthy. And, honestly, I was angry at men who hit on me. I was so damaged that I reasoned that anyone who was attracted to me had some kind of predatory instinct, or a screw loose.
At any rate, I just gave myself some time to get over the whole ordeal. Now, my ex was an abusive alcoholic, so I probably had more stabalizing to do than if that weren't the case.
So, right now I am at the point where I have decided to have a "casual" relationship. The thought of having an actual boyfriend is really unappealing still.
This is the first time I have tried something like this. It's nice. We get along well, it is respectful, it is just pretty relaxed. He is also not in the mood for anything serious, so I think we are on the same page. But he is a great guy, and I have no worries that he is going to chop me to bits, or whatever.
Oh, and he is ten years younger than me and completely hot, which makes me feel like a PLAYER! (It also makes me laugh, because I have lectured so many of my guy friends who have behaved this way. I kind of get it now.)
I will say that sex with someone else has helped to clear out the remaining ghosts in my head. But I don't think that is always the case. I was pretty much healed up, happy with my own company, etc. by the time I got involved in this. Not sure that is an effective strategy right away, I have never tried it.
Personally, I always feel a need to be emotionally responsible with others. I would never drag someone into my problems, so I wait until I can do that. I also waited because I didn't want to make something insignificant into something significant in order to run from what was troubling me.
Now I am able to have my pretty, pretty boy and not feel bad about it. Yay.
And I will say that I think this current thing is good news for me. It is helping me get over some of my irrational fears. It also is helping me to be more open to others, instead of spiralling off into complete romantic isolation (which is tempting when I look at life with and without a terrible boyfriend.)
Sorry to have written so much. Lots of coffee this morning.
Oh! And in terms of finding someone for the sex? Really not hard, if you are a woman. (Sorry, but it's true.)
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by TheMissus
IMO I don't believe that one would only want sex because something was "missing" from their lives. It doesn't have to be a plug or a sticky plaster for pain etc...
Maybe there are no underlying reasons....Sex can be great fun, if both people are concenting adults and you practise safe sex, then why not have it?
If one wanted to ride a rollercoaster for fun and the "rush" would that need to be psychoanalyzed? Sex, whilst great with someone you love and who loves you, can be just as great with a f*** buddy or someone you're not emotionally intimate with. It is after all, a basic human desire...emotions don't "always" have to come into it.
Maybe there are no underlying reasons....Sex can be great fun, if both people are concenting adults and you practise safe sex, then why not have it?
If one wanted to ride a rollercoaster for fun and the "rush" would that need to be psychoanalyzed? Sex, whilst great with someone you love and who loves you, can be just as great with a f*** buddy or someone you're not emotionally intimate with. It is after all, a basic human desire...emotions don't "always" have to come into it.
SPOT ON, as they say "across the pond". Spot on.
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