Update - LONG
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Is your daughter able to get a job and work to save for the money she needs to start school. She is almost an adult and should be able to help you financially (for her needs) to put less burden on you.
I am so sorry about your cat... I understand how hard and sad it is to lose a pet.
Your words are right you are almost there. Things will get better. Even when it seems as though they will not. Is your AH able to help you financially to get some of these bills paid so you can have water and a phone? Let him try and help you rather you always helping him.
Are you able to go to a church and ask for finanical assistance? I know we have programs like that in NJ? They will help you get on your feet?
Good luck.
I am so sorry about your cat... I understand how hard and sad it is to lose a pet.
Your words are right you are almost there. Things will get better. Even when it seems as though they will not. Is your AH able to help you financially to get some of these bills paid so you can have water and a phone? Let him try and help you rather you always helping him.
Are you able to go to a church and ask for finanical assistance? I know we have programs like that in NJ? They will help you get on your feet?
Good luck.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I have to say there is a special place in heaven for you, and other spouses/partners that have decided that their marriages/situations deserve every opportunity to work.
I can't imagine that my HP will offer me a special place in heaven because I chose to remain a life-long victim of someone else's abuse. I think it's much more likely that my HP would be pleased that I grew strong and independent and acquired enough self-love to demand much more out of a relationship than to settle for life with an addict.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
Is it just me, or does anyone else think the above statement that appears to encourage partners of addicts to stay for the long-haul is victim-speak?
I can't imagine that my HP will offer me a special place in heaven because I chose to remain a life-long victim of someone else's abuse. I think it's much more likely that my HP would be pleased that I grew strong and independent and acquired enough self-love to demand much more out of a relationship than to settle for life with an addict.
I can't imagine that my HP will offer me a special place in heaven because I chose to remain a life-long victim of someone else's abuse. I think it's much more likely that my HP would be pleased that I grew strong and independent and acquired enough self-love to demand much more out of a relationship than to settle for life with an addict.
My HP does not hand out special places in heaven to those who choose to remain vicitms if they can help themselves. Nor does my HP think my live needs to be filled with misery to "prove" I am doing all I can to work on a marriage. My HP wants me to have the best life possible.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
My HP, as I outlined in another thread as the natural laws of nature, defines my life as being what I make of it. If I choose to live a life of martyrdom, nobody will applaud, least of all the alcoholic in my life. If I choose to be the weak member of my pack, the laws of the food chain will take care of me.
If I choose to be strong, take care of myself, and stop expending my energy on matters that don't concern me, I will survive and be happy. I think 18 years is long enough to give my relationship every opportunity to work.
If I choose to be strong, take care of myself, and stop expending my energy on matters that don't concern me, I will survive and be happy. I think 18 years is long enough to give my relationship every opportunity to work.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by needtolearn
...First, I want to commend you on your courage, and I have to say there is a special place in heaven for you, and other spouses/partners that have decided that their marriages/situations deserve every opportunity to work...
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
Is it just me, or does anyone else think the above statement that appears to encourage partners of addicts to stay for the long-haul is victim-speak?
I can't imagine that my HP will offer me a special place in heaven because I chose to remain a life-long victim of someone else's abuse. I think it's much more likely that my HP would be pleased that I grew strong and independent and acquired enough self-love to demand much more out of a relationship than to settle for life with an addict.
I can't imagine that my HP will offer me a special place in heaven because I chose to remain a life-long victim of someone else's abuse. I think it's much more likely that my HP would be pleased that I grew strong and independent and acquired enough self-love to demand much more out of a relationship than to settle for life with an addict.
To me say that each state will be temporary. That there will be occasions of sickness, but not all one persons and not all of the time; the same can be applied to other vows.
Also it seems a bit off to say that anyone receives a special place anywhere because of their commitment to stay. Figuratively speaking then, as I left, where will I go?! - Opens up a can of worms for me.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
Apparently that night she spent at his house with her kids (she was really drunk - had gon out to a bar near AH's apt, got drunk and then called AH for a ride home), they watched a movie and she spent most of the night and morning throwing up, while AH went to bed.
Anyway you look at it, it was totally inappropriate, but he swears nothing happened, no kissing, no touching, nothing.
Anyway you look at it, it was totally inappropriate, but he swears nothing happened, no kissing, no touching, nothing.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
Is it just me, or does anyone else think the above statement that appears to encourage partners of addicts to stay for the long-haul is victim-speak?
I can't imagine that my HP will offer me a special place in heaven because I chose to remain a life-long victim of someone else's abuse. I think it's much more likely that my HP would be pleased that I grew strong and independent and acquired enough self-love to demand much more out of a relationship than to settle for life with an addict.
I can't imagine that my HP will offer me a special place in heaven because I chose to remain a life-long victim of someone else's abuse. I think it's much more likely that my HP would be pleased that I grew strong and independent and acquired enough self-love to demand much more out of a relationship than to settle for life with an addict.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
Strongerwoman...you have to do whats right for you...I kinda get the impression that this post has you feeling beat up...(especially those who think they are being "light and funny" with their responses)....that's not how most of us want you to feel.
It's hard when you feel so strongly about your AH and where you want to be in your life. Please take the comments as an attempt at helping you to be strong and not as a criticism of your hopes and feelings.
One day even one hour at a time helps me keep it in perspective, especially when you are still in the midst of active addiction or even early attempts at recovery. No one can tell you what to do...just keep it real...with your eyes wide open...one minute at a time. You are a smart woman who knows what she wants and needs.
It's hard when you feel so strongly about your AH and where you want to be in your life. Please take the comments as an attempt at helping you to be strong and not as a criticism of your hopes and feelings.
One day even one hour at a time helps me keep it in perspective, especially when you are still in the midst of active addiction or even early attempts at recovery. No one can tell you what to do...just keep it real...with your eyes wide open...one minute at a time. You are a smart woman who knows what she wants and needs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by theotherone
that's not how most of us want you to feel.
I will speak for myself only. From the outside looking in, his story about the other woman is not very believable. I am not being "light and funny." I am quite serious about doubting his sincerety. If it were me, I would not buy it. I also would not buy a bridge from someone on the internet.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
I've been in your shoes, SW. Trying to stand by my man and working on my own recovery. I started that in 1998. Here we are, 10 years later, and my H tried to commit suicide by drinking himself to death.
I hope, for both of your sakes, that he's serious about his recovery and you are serious about your own.
If I knew 10 years ago what I know now, I'd have been gone a LONG time ago. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Unfortunately, I was blinded by love and hope for the man I committed to spending the rest of my life with. I liked what the poster said about it not being about one person's sickness ALL the time.
I wish you well and hope that your story is a success.
Proceed with caution.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I hope, for both of your sakes, that he's serious about his recovery and you are serious about your own.
If I knew 10 years ago what I know now, I'd have been gone a LONG time ago. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Unfortunately, I was blinded by love and hope for the man I committed to spending the rest of my life with. I liked what the poster said about it not being about one person's sickness ALL the time.
I wish you well and hope that your story is a success.
Proceed with caution.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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