He wants to get back together.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Y'know, we're going back and forth about HIS motivation, HIS manipulation, HIS blah, blah, blah.
Strongerwoman, let's get the focus on you as it pertains to YOU. You have just passed your exam. You are being afforded the opportunity to get a career going here. To heck with him for the time being.
I agree with FD ... don't respond to him for a week - OR MORE - and let all this settle in your mind.
Please remember that active addicts are master manipulators and users. They use booze to medicate themselves from reality and their responsibilites. They use people to cushion them from reality and their responsiblities.
This guy left your daughter alone several times in his apartment while he went out to drink.
I don't think you should be hammering him over the head with his wrong-doings, since that won't accomplish anything. But I do think it is important that you have now accomplished something by yourself and for yourself; namely passing that exam.
How 'bout keeping him out of the picture for awhile so you can figure out what it is YOU want to do.
P.S. - My AH could have written the same letters to me. Ugh. Been there, done that. As a gf used to say to me, "Bought the dress, took it home, put it on, didn't like it - RETURNED IT AND DIDN'T REGRET IT."
Strongerwoman, let's get the focus on you as it pertains to YOU. You have just passed your exam. You are being afforded the opportunity to get a career going here. To heck with him for the time being.
I agree with FD ... don't respond to him for a week - OR MORE - and let all this settle in your mind.
Please remember that active addicts are master manipulators and users. They use booze to medicate themselves from reality and their responsibilites. They use people to cushion them from reality and their responsiblities.
This guy left your daughter alone several times in his apartment while he went out to drink.
I don't think you should be hammering him over the head with his wrong-doings, since that won't accomplish anything. But I do think it is important that you have now accomplished something by yourself and for yourself; namely passing that exam.
How 'bout keeping him out of the picture for awhile so you can figure out what it is YOU want to do.
P.S. - My AH could have written the same letters to me. Ugh. Been there, done that. As a gf used to say to me, "Bought the dress, took it home, put it on, didn't like it - RETURNED IT AND DIDN'T REGRET IT."
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
You see the thing about relationship addiction is
...this time it's going to be different.
This time it's going to be diferent becasue, this time he really does want help.
This time it's going to be different because I'm going to nag less and love more.
This time it's going to be different because he's going to spend more time with the kids.
This time it's going to be different because I won't let him hurt me.
This time it's going to be different because he understands how much he hurt me previously and he won't do it again.
This time it's going to be different because we're going to move towns.
This time it's going to be different because he's going to stop hanging out with his single friends.
The insanity of crazy/co dependent relationships is just this idea - this time it's going to be different because we're/or I am going to (fill in the blank). despite the fact I/we have tried everything else and it still doesn't work.
I, we or he will control this relationship, so it does work....even though love and control don't belong in the same sentence....
It's just like an alcoholic taking a drink (he knows he shouldn't be having) and says, to himself, this time it will be different for me (with drinking) because (fill in the blank) and I can control it now.
When the pain of being with him, is greater than the pain of being without him, that's when it will end...
This time it's going to be diferent becasue, this time he really does want help.
This time it's going to be different because I'm going to nag less and love more.
This time it's going to be different because he's going to spend more time with the kids.
This time it's going to be different because I won't let him hurt me.
This time it's going to be different because he understands how much he hurt me previously and he won't do it again.
This time it's going to be different because we're going to move towns.
This time it's going to be different because he's going to stop hanging out with his single friends.
The insanity of crazy/co dependent relationships is just this idea - this time it's going to be different because we're/or I am going to (fill in the blank). despite the fact I/we have tried everything else and it still doesn't work.
I, we or he will control this relationship, so it does work....even though love and control don't belong in the same sentence....
It's just like an alcoholic taking a drink (he knows he shouldn't be having) and says, to himself, this time it will be different for me (with drinking) because (fill in the blank) and I can control it now.
When the pain of being with him, is greater than the pain of being without him, that's when it will end...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Words, words, words. I have learned to only listen to the words AFTER the actions tell me to. I used to listen to the words first, then hoping the actions would follow. Now I listen to the actions first, and see if the words back them up.
Sounds simple, but it sure took me a long time to learn.
L
Sounds simple, but it sure took me a long time to learn.
L
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I know someone suggested not replying to the emails for a week
and I sure can remeber how long a week feels when it comes to this kind of stuff. It feels like it goes on and on forever and saying it felt like torture, would not be an understandment.
When I read that today, I haven't the foggiest idea why or how I thought that kind of reaction in me meant it must be true love, I felt for the bloke.... I wasn't because I was obsessed, honestly. Lol.
I suppose I also thought, true love means you suffer, right?
What a load of crap. Lol.
No offense to anyone either, I just think about how I was then and how I am now, and wonder how on earth I lived like that. I do think the drama of it all, did used to make me feel alive to a certain extend....
These days I prefer to walk my dog in the sun while listening to my MP3 player. It feels a hell of a lot better!
When I read that today, I haven't the foggiest idea why or how I thought that kind of reaction in me meant it must be true love, I felt for the bloke.... I wasn't because I was obsessed, honestly. Lol.
I suppose I also thought, true love means you suffer, right?
What a load of crap. Lol.
No offense to anyone either, I just think about how I was then and how I am now, and wonder how on earth I lived like that. I do think the drama of it all, did used to make me feel alive to a certain extend....
These days I prefer to walk my dog in the sun while listening to my MP3 player. It feels a hell of a lot better!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I agree with LTD, it all words.
Words can make us feel, make us cry, make us waver in our determination... but they change NOTHING!!!!
ACTIONS speak ten thousand times louder than words! If he has changed his perspective what is he DOING?
has he stopped drinking? Is he managing his finances? Is he making amends to his daughter? Has he kept his job, got there on time and not shown up drunk? Has he attended any AA, begun his road to recovery? Has he finished playing around with the OW? Has he maintained sobriety? Is he working the steps? - if he isn't doing them now, you can bet your bottom dollar that he WON'T do any of it when he has you back. Why should he??
When someone has cheated, manipulated, used, lied and lied to me and mine over and over again, it would take (for me personally) a hell of a lot more than a few emails telling me basically how he feels sorry for himself, and NEEDS me. I don't want to be NEEDED, I am not a babysitter or replacement mother.
I agree that he sees you becoming stronger, he senses your life is moving forward. He has begun to realise that his life is in a mess. He has begun to realise that his major enabler and care giver is moving on, and he doesn't want you to. He is putting out the fishing line, hpoping to pull you back in.
It is not for you to fix his life, let him do that.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Words can make us feel, make us cry, make us waver in our determination... but they change NOTHING!!!!
ACTIONS speak ten thousand times louder than words! If he has changed his perspective what is he DOING?
has he stopped drinking? Is he managing his finances? Is he making amends to his daughter? Has he kept his job, got there on time and not shown up drunk? Has he attended any AA, begun his road to recovery? Has he finished playing around with the OW? Has he maintained sobriety? Is he working the steps? - if he isn't doing them now, you can bet your bottom dollar that he WON'T do any of it when he has you back. Why should he??
When someone has cheated, manipulated, used, lied and lied to me and mine over and over again, it would take (for me personally) a hell of a lot more than a few emails telling me basically how he feels sorry for himself, and NEEDS me. I don't want to be NEEDED, I am not a babysitter or replacement mother.
I agree that he sees you becoming stronger, he senses your life is moving forward. He has begun to realise that his life is in a mess. He has begun to realise that his major enabler and care giver is moving on, and he doesn't want you to. He is putting out the fishing line, hpoping to pull you back in.
It is not for you to fix his life, let him do that.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Right after I got my degree in accounting, my AH became really, really, lovey dovey and extremely nice just like he used to be before we got married. He said things would be different, blah, blah, blah. He gave me cards, bought me flowers, etc. Well, I fell for it after a few months of this loving treatment and decided that he had changed and kind of blamed myself because I thought maybe my collage education and being around younger men made him nervious (I know, stupid me). Anyway, we decided to start a family. Within a few months of our son's birth my AH reverted back to his old ways. I guess he got what he wanted because we had discussed me staying home with our son because my AH makes good money. I would stay at home until my son was old enough, and then I would go to work was the plan.
So he had me where he wanted me, and now he used the baby as an excuse to drink (the old, you don't pay attention to me crap I'm sure a lot of you have heard).
Anyway, I'm just saying be careful, because it does sound like manipulation really. He may be afraid that you will realize that you don't need him for anything anymore because you are starting a new career that will include new people and new opportunities. Please, be very, very careful and take it very, very slowly. I look back now over the last ten years and wish I had taken my time.
So he had me where he wanted me, and now he used the baby as an excuse to drink (the old, you don't pay attention to me crap I'm sure a lot of you have heard).
Anyway, I'm just saying be careful, because it does sound like manipulation really. He may be afraid that you will realize that you don't need him for anything anymore because you are starting a new career that will include new people and new opportunities. Please, be very, very careful and take it very, very slowly. I look back now over the last ten years and wish I had taken my time.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by strongerwoman 
I'm quite convinced he is out of his mind.
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
I just can't figure out what the motivation is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
One of my best friends is 38. She finished her nursing degree and passed her exams about 3 years ago. She's making 75k right now working for a home health care company. She's in Texas. Another good friend makes almost that much doing the same work and she's in Arizona. Neither of them went to college right out of high school. The friend in Arizona only got her 2-yr degree and finished that about 10 years ago. She's 50.
You have great potential right now. And you indeed have everything to offer him. Stability, family, income, a resemblance of normalcy to the world. That is why he wants you back. Because YOU are what HE wants. But YOU are what many men would want...... many men who won't weigh you down their their addictions.
Don't forget how long it took to get you to where you are. It was a long ride to get to this point, right? Do you want to extend the drama? Trust me, I didn't want to believe the statistics of recovery either, but I'm living them. And I can see how it would be so tempting to want to believe him. I'm sure when the day comes that I move me and my kids out of here, my AH will be bawling his eyes out and promising lifelong sobriety. But he's promised that many times before. It doesn't last.
Look, it makes complete sense why he wants you back. You have lots to offer and he knows it. But what does HE have to offer? How many women want a serious relationship with a moody alcoholic with a low self-esteem, plus past divorces/kids and an ex-wife to deal with? That guy will have more baggage than a Greyhound bus. He'll now have the very thing that he has sacrificied all for, a bottle, a very cold, sterile bottle. He's finally scared that he can't have it all, the bottle and his family. He wants it all back.
I read those emails to you. Still sounds like he's placing a pretty equal amount of blame for the failure of your marriage on you, suggesting that he can overlook the past and go forward?? What?????? Marriages have issues, but when one person dumps their end for a bottle, that trumps everything. He should be checking himself into rehab right now.
You got it going on. Your future is bright. You deserve the serenity. Don't lose it now.
You have great potential right now. And you indeed have everything to offer him. Stability, family, income, a resemblance of normalcy to the world. That is why he wants you back. Because YOU are what HE wants. But YOU are what many men would want...... many men who won't weigh you down their their addictions.
Don't forget how long it took to get you to where you are. It was a long ride to get to this point, right? Do you want to extend the drama? Trust me, I didn't want to believe the statistics of recovery either, but I'm living them. And I can see how it would be so tempting to want to believe him. I'm sure when the day comes that I move me and my kids out of here, my AH will be bawling his eyes out and promising lifelong sobriety. But he's promised that many times before. It doesn't last.
Look, it makes complete sense why he wants you back. You have lots to offer and he knows it. But what does HE have to offer? How many women want a serious relationship with a moody alcoholic with a low self-esteem, plus past divorces/kids and an ex-wife to deal with? That guy will have more baggage than a Greyhound bus. He'll now have the very thing that he has sacrificied all for, a bottle, a very cold, sterile bottle. He's finally scared that he can't have it all, the bottle and his family. He wants it all back.
I read those emails to you. Still sounds like he's placing a pretty equal amount of blame for the failure of your marriage on you, suggesting that he can overlook the past and go forward?? What?????? Marriages have issues, but when one person dumps their end for a bottle, that trumps everything. He should be checking himself into rehab right now.
You got it going on. Your future is bright. You deserve the serenity. Don't lose it now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Actions speak louder than words. Makes sense- right? But when he's saying what you want him to say it's hard to remember that. I agree that it would be smart to step back and gauge for yourself what is really going on here. If, in fact, he's serious it won't take that long for you to see it. If he's not- it won't take long to see that either. You can step back for yourself- protect yourself. When my AH left us I decided to step back- just wait to see what would happen. For the first time in a long time my house was peaceful. I could have done what I was used to doing- stuck my foot up his butt to get him to do what I wanted him to do, but I didn't. I went about living my life. I soon found he wasn't going to do anything. He left almost a year ago, left me with the responsibility of dealing with a house that needs to be sold, left me with our dd and our dog- basically walked away from everything. He has shown me his true colors- actually has for years but I wasn't ready to see them, and I am responding accordingly. I'm divorcing him. Step back- remove yourself from the chaos and see what happens.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
I could have been, should have been, pretty well set by now, instead I've failed my kids and myself and let everyone down, and my children and I continue to live on the financial edge. We continue to live in complete stress and anxiety day to day.
Have you ever wondered why you keep finding yourself in the situation above?
Because you're willing to keep letting your beloved-du-jour control your actions, your thoughts, and your priorities.
So now since HE wants to get back together, the some-day-my-prince-will-come music is swelling, and you've totally forgotten that this is the man who has lied to you, had sex with other women, and left your children alone to go get drunk. You're willing to forget yourself and your kids again, just because he's come up with some nice new fantasies and you don't have the strength to tell him, "I'm sick of being jerked around by you. Stop emailing me."
When you can find it in yourself to set your own life's goals, to devote yourself to becoming financially self-sufficient on your own terms, and to refuse to be used like he's using you now, then your life will change for the better.
Until then, you will live in financial and emotional poverty, stress, anguish, pain, and low self-esteem.
Your choice. I fell for the nice words too....for a while.
Good luck.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by GiveLove
So now since HE wants to get back together, the some-day-my-prince-will-come music is swelling, and you've totally forgotten that this is the man who has lied to you, had sex with other women, and left your children alone to go get drunk. You're willing to forget yourself and your kids again, just because he's come up with some nice new fantasies and you don't have the strength to tell him, "I'm sick of being jerked around by you. Stop emailing me."
No, no, no, I certainly haven't forgotten, not at all.
This is the first time he has talked about stopping drinking and getting help.
I'm not jumping back into his arms.
I am not wearing any rose colored glasses here, my eyes are wide open.
I told him I need to see consistent action taken by him in several areas before I can even think
about the possibility.
I suspect it will all just fizzle out after a while....and somehow be my fault in the end too!
Last edited by strongerwoman; 07-22-2008 at 07:45 AM.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
SW, I believe you thrive on drama. There's nothing wrong with that, but how about channeling your love for drama into healthier activities? Instead of doing the codie-alkie dance, which is eating you up inside, why not take up acting lessons, write a book on alcoholism (heck you're a pro on that subject), or watch the soaps? All My Children is a periennal favorite.
It's hard to change life long habits. But turning what was once a shortcoming into something positive and life changing is one way to make a small but significant change.
It's hard to change life long habits. But turning what was once a shortcoming into something positive and life changing is one way to make a small but significant change.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I think you've gotten some great posts so far. Just give it time. You have no reason to make hasty life changing decisions. It's great that he sounds like he wants to make changes. Now he needs to take steps to make those changes. He does NOT need your help to do that. As mentioned above, actions speak louder than words. Show me the money! LOL!
The only other thing I'll mention is in his emails he talks about "we" need to make changes, "we" have done this, "we" have done that. While those emails may sound sweet to you, I read that as his denial of his own responsibility. He needs to quit talking about what "we" need to do and focus on changing the only person he can...HIMSELF!
The only other thing I'll mention is in his emails he talks about "we" need to make changes, "we" have done this, "we" have done that. While those emails may sound sweet to you, I read that as his denial of his own responsibility. He needs to quit talking about what "we" need to do and focus on changing the only person he can...HIMSELF!
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Strongerwoman - I have been where you are now, plenty of times, except I don't have the education/financial potential you have. But I have done the codie/alkie dance so many times, and it's nothing but drama and messed up my head. I know you want so bad to believe him, but like others have said, it's all words, not actions (same as with my AH). But what I can tell you is this - your HP has given you a gift with passing the nursing exam, please use it wisely.
HP handed me a gift several weeks ago. AH is no longer at my house. I changed the locks, refused his phone calls, and when he came to the house to "talk" (of course, drunk and to make all kinds of promises and tell me how much he missed me and loved me), I made him leave. No conversations, no deals, no nothing!!!! Offered me money to let him live there - no way. LEAVE! Didn't want to do the dance anymore, didn't have to.
AH is now in an inpatient rehab, and I wish him well. If and when enough time has passed that he shows he's committed to his sobriety, I will gladly discuss "his love for me" and our marriage. And trust me, it gets easier as time goes on. Right now, I'm doing for me, and I'm recovering nicely. I wish you strength in your journey.
HP handed me a gift several weeks ago. AH is no longer at my house. I changed the locks, refused his phone calls, and when he came to the house to "talk" (of course, drunk and to make all kinds of promises and tell me how much he missed me and loved me), I made him leave. No conversations, no deals, no nothing!!!! Offered me money to let him live there - no way. LEAVE! Didn't want to do the dance anymore, didn't have to.
AH is now in an inpatient rehab, and I wish him well. If and when enough time has passed that he shows he's committed to his sobriety, I will gladly discuss "his love for me" and our marriage. And trust me, it gets easier as time goes on. Right now, I'm doing for me, and I'm recovering nicely. I wish you strength in your journey.
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