nowwhat

Two things:

1) A huge congratulations on your test--you are obviously a very intelligent and capable human being to pass, especially considering your circumstances of late. Be grateful for your gifts and understand that you deserve this! Life can be so much more for you now1

2) My XAH had no problem whatsoever when I left him (he chose his addiction over his family, quite deliberately) and seemed to be much happier. Right up until he discovered I was seeing someone else--who just so happened to be more successful than he is. My guess is your AH doesn't want your future earnings per se, but didn't realize you could get by without him. Now that you're not going to be dependent upon him, he's freaking out.

My suggestion echoes the others: give yourself some time, nothing has to happen one way or the other right now. See how it feels to NOT depend on someone who is undependable. You might discover you like it.

((((Huge hugs and congratulations to you!))))

juju

First of all, congrats on your test, Ms. Stephanie, R.N.!

You’re probably scaring the crap out of him. You’re not there for him to fall back on anymore. You don’t need him anymore and that’s driving him crazy. He can’t control you anymore.

As far as his recovery, believe it when you see it, and not a minute sooner. You take care of your own.

Wow, reading his emails, he’s really laying it on thick. You got your boots on? It sounds like it’s getting deep in there!

How do you respond? Don’t.

His motivation? Who cares? You can’t live with his drinking anymore. Period. If he really was ready, he’d see his part (and his variable) in that equation.

Stay strong, Nurse Stephanie!

strongerwoman

You're very right, all of you are.
I guess the sucking in part for me was that this is the first time he's talked about wanting to reconcile and getting help.
You know, the whole finally hitting bottom part.

LaTeeDa

Key words bolded in that sentence. If this is the first time he's talked about it, my wager would be that he is still a long, long way from actually doing anything about it.

L

Jazzman

SW you have gotten a lot of great advice from a lot of people you've never met that have a lot of faith in you.

I could list a half dozen scenarios my ex went through, each worse than your H has seen to date, and each one I thought was her bottom.
I learned I could predict anyones bottom but my own.

nowwhat

OMG, this bit about Hemingway made me laugh out loud (almost choked!)

Seriously, Stephanie, it might be good to look at your AH with a bit of irony instead of taking it all so seriously.

The behavior is so childish that it might be worth your time to view it through that lens--easier said than done, I know.

After being separate from my XAH for over a year, I can look back at some of his lunacy/antics in actual disbelief that I ever engaged in any of it. I would almost guarantee that if you take enough space from your AH, you will feel the same way eventually.

Sorry, that is not a very spiritual viewpoint but these A's are simply outrageous!

sadandhopeless

Please don't go back to him yet. You are leading with your heart and not your head. This is a man that just recenly left his daughter home alone to go drink? Did he check into rehab and forgot to tell you or something? This is pure manipulation. I have been going through it myself and all sounds so familiar. You take him back with in days your kids will be back in this madness. It is not just about you and him and your love for each other. You have your children and your new found career to protect. You have come so far, why go back further.

Prediction of future behavior is past behavior. No one can change just like that with out working a program. Also, hasn't this man cheated on you? You need to think more highly of yourself.

Did he realize he woke up with out the love of his life when his girlfriend was next to him. Sorry to be so harsh. But you have come so far, you should not go back now. He needs to be in a program and work it. You need to get your new career started and help heal your childrens emotions.

Don't do it. I know we can't tell you what to do, but it is your heart that belives all his bull not your head. you know what is really to come after the first few days or weeks of bliss. You will have the same outcome as all the other times.

sadandhopeless

You can do this. heck you have been. you don't need all this turmoil in your life when things are going well. Just remeber the cheating, the lies, the drunken episodes, the abandenment. Think of those things when you read his emails.

If you truly wanted to end this whole dram show you are both staring in you would deny him access to you, phone, email, whatever. Truly detach and let him find his way. If he can find recovery and you both still fee the same way then work at it together, but until then it sounds like he is still in denial - he used the word "WE" way to many times... did he forget he is the one with the addicition problem? He may need to be reminded...

Congratulations on your becoming an RN - that is so huge and you should be celebrating and ready for a new path in your life. Don't go down the same old bumpy road unless the road has been paved. He needs help with his addiction and you still need to learn to do for JUST YOU AND YOUR KIDS.

Lilyflower

Don't fool yourself that he is serious!!! One thing I have learnt about As is that they know exactly how to cajole us codies. They know what we want to hear and they tell us. When one plan of action fails they try another.

I had it from my exabf, when we were together he told me he would kick the habit again and again, he told me he loved me and wanted to work it out etc etc. When I still didn't waver in my determination to end our relationship and the nicely nicely approach had not proved a success for him, I then got the nasty blaming, angry side, calling me every name under the sun.

If you keep steady to your present course, you will soon see his attitude do another filp. Keep strong.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

RollerDerbyGirl

LaTeeDa put it so well. It is only the actions that should indicate anything, yet this is the hardest lesson for us codies to learn. I saw my ABF all over those emails. And here I thought mine was just extra sweet. Ha! They are master manipulators, because they have to be. If they behaved like they do w/o such charm and manipulation skills (and abundance of us codies!), they wouldn't have anyone around to support them. And we know how long they get along w/o our support!

Seeing your situation from the outside really motivates me to put more distance between me and my ABF (see the 'he wants to marry me' post). Cuz know I can clearly see just how many promises they all make! Why just today and yesterday, even w/o my prompts and nagging mind you, he was telling me how he had the best talk w/ his squad leader, and they really connected, and how this guy was going to help him find a counselor, and he's hitting the gym hardcore...blah, blah, freakin' blah. Is he going to AA meetings? NO. Did he start attending the military's alcohol class that he said? NO. Has he stopped drinking 100%, on his own accord, or just managed it enough to look good? The latter! It's like they KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR. And you know what? We don't need them gettin' sober for us anyway. They need to get sober for THEM. It's a dangerous dance. When they know they are really starting to lose you for good is when they really start laying it on thick.

Try to hang in there and keep coming here and reading others' posts too. It sure keeps your eyes open to hear what these other wise people are saying, or even those experiencing all of it currently. Keep your eyes on the prize...which is YOU.


Good luck!

RollerDerbyGirl

So here you are trying to establish boundaries, thinking that they are healthy and they will protect you. Yes, while boundaries can be a very essential and healthy thing, they tend to SHIFT, greatly, when we are still recovering codies. I have done this over and over again with my ABF. I have yet to see it work. But I have seen that I move more and more away from the set boundaries as time goes on and he charms me, or convinces me that he is going along w/ them. (It is easier to deceive when the distances are far apart and I can't monitor...which I shouldn't have to do, near or far)

The fact is, now that he knows you are even considering getting back together if he shows action, I would be a little concerned there too. Just that he knows there is a possibility gives him wheedling (sp?) room.

ajangels2

((Strongerwoman)))

Just want to say way to go on passing your nursing exam... what victory for you. You go girl!!! I don't know all of your situation, but I have read your dilemma with your AH. You have gotten some really wonderful E,S, and H here and I think that is great to help give you some clarity and insight into your situation.

I read the emails your AH wrote and while he made some loving statements about you and needing you and the need for you "both" to change.... I started thinking while reading these posts. You are changing... you are choosing better things in your life. Not sure all of what AH has pulled in your marriage but it sounds like it was very painful for you. I have learned on my journey as well that as a codependent pain and love seemed to go hand in hand... now after having a bit of recovery I'm learning that I actually do have the choice to choose to avoid the pain and sometimes that means avoiding the person all together for a while until I'm strong enough to deal with the issues at hand.

Your AH's letters IMHO did not make serious statements about what he will do to change... I did not hear him say I need to get sober and work on my recovery... what I did hear was "we" need outside help; which could mean a number of things... program, therapy, a clergy, a vacation... I agree with the other's to be careful with your heart and your feelings this time and wait and watch, just like the eagle waits and watches for it's prey. You have a great deal to protect now and your AH will either make the changes on his own or he won't... you don't have to say or do anything.
Good luck to you and hope it will all fall into place for you soon.

Peace,
AJ

loner1968

Hard to believe that someone could say those things to another person and not even mean it. It still blows my mind. I still think about all the promises. I knew they were empty but you still want to hope.

Its really hard to understand. I'm pretty sure you know what you need to do for you. You made plans for yourself and carried them out. He is squirming. He just wants you where he is so he won't feel low. If he has people around him that are doing well it makes him look bad.

It seems that rather than rise up for themselves most A's would rather pull others down. I would really hate to see you fall for it.

peaceteach

It seems that rather than rise up for themselves most A's would rather pull others down.

My 20 year recovering alcoholic brother once told a saying he's heard in AA, that alcoholics don't love, they take hostages.


Strongerwoman, congratulations on passing your test. That is such amazing news and a wondrous gift from your higher power, not that you didn't have a major part in it! Sometimes we need to step back and see what our HP is putting right in front of us (like your passing when you were sure you would fail?) and recognize this force in our lives. He gives us clue after clue after clue, but do we see? Or do we try to figure it all out ourselves without noticing the path he is trying to show us? It's your choice, Stronger, I know, but I hope you can find a quiet place to step back from this and see where you truly should be heading. Sometimes doing nothing is doing something, because time and our HP solve the problem for us.

Barbara52

Perhpas so. But the "hostages" of alcoholics are willing, participating hostages who could choose to end it and not be hostages any longer.

loner1968

I have to disagree with the above. It's not so cut and dry sometimes. Its easier to see when you've started recovery. While we do have choices sometimes our situation seems very hopeless and we don't see them because we are busy trying to survive without the knowledge we need.

Barbara52

Who said it was cut and dried? I didn't say change was easy either.

Because one's situation seems hopeless does not mean that it is.

My point is that no one is without choices, no one is a hostage to an alcoholic (except a child) without their permission and often active participation.

Do we see it when we are in the situation? Not at first. But that does not change the truth that we all have the means to stop being a hostage, whatever that means for each one of us.

loner1968

yes you are correct and I agree we do have choices but many of us have been where we don't see them. At least I have.

Some people are "brainwashed" into thinking that they deserve it or that they aren't good enough for much else. Still there are choices but if you can't see them how do you use them?

You make an excellent point. I just don't think you can say that people are willing to be held hostage. some may be. Others not. It all depends on the situation and the individual, how they were raised, economics, health, both mental and physical, support systems, outreach opportunities, etc...

I see myself as a very intelligent, talented, interesting person. It took me 39 years to get here. We even know how we try to help other people and they STILL don't believe that there is hope. It is no secret that denial can be worse for us non A's.

I am not disagreeing with you. I am just voicing that I think we need to be a little more open and not just say that people in these horrible situations are actively choosing to be there. Am I even making any sense? Probably not. I don't want to hikack this thread so I will stop now.

loner1968

I know I said I was not disagreeing with you but i actually said I was before. I'm really not disagreeing with your point...maybe just the way it was worded that's all. Hit a nerve and we know why that happens...

Barbara52

loner, perhaps this other thread will help express what I am trying to say here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...all-along.html