He wants to marry me
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
You are absolutely right Prodigal. Only I know how I can move forward to this and I look for others to tell me what to do as a crutch I guess. I am definitely trying to deflect a very unpleasant situation. Thanks for being straightforward and calling my bluff. 
That is why I'm here.
Funny thing about today - I finally have started involving my friends and family more in the whole realm of this situation, not just the good parts. I am trying to show all the warts. And I talked to my awesome sis-n-law and another good friend. It felt so good to talk about it. Women are so supportive and encouraging of one another. It is so inspiring. We can really identify with one another and have so much in common through our experiences that that identification really buoys us doesn't it? Anyway, then I came across a work-trade ad: cleaning in exchange for life coach/relationship therapy!! How crazy is that? I was just pondering how the heck I was going to afford any therapy that I need right now.
Then to top it off, I read my horoscope (I'm not that into horoscopes, but I still look) and it was dead on for me today, talking about how I have a big topic to deal with and that I should get it out in the open, face the music, etc. Funny how life works sometimes isn't it? Just when you are looking for something, there it is when you need it.
I am headed to the store today to get the book, 'Adult Children of Alcoholics', and hopefully attend a meeting tonight too. Now I just have to have the discussion with him.
That is why I'm here.Funny thing about today - I finally have started involving my friends and family more in the whole realm of this situation, not just the good parts. I am trying to show all the warts. And I talked to my awesome sis-n-law and another good friend. It felt so good to talk about it. Women are so supportive and encouraging of one another. It is so inspiring. We can really identify with one another and have so much in common through our experiences that that identification really buoys us doesn't it? Anyway, then I came across a work-trade ad: cleaning in exchange for life coach/relationship therapy!! How crazy is that? I was just pondering how the heck I was going to afford any therapy that I need right now.
Then to top it off, I read my horoscope (I'm not that into horoscopes, but I still look) and it was dead on for me today, talking about how I have a big topic to deal with and that I should get it out in the open, face the music, etc. Funny how life works sometimes isn't it? Just when you are looking for something, there it is when you need it.
I am headed to the store today to get the book, 'Adult Children of Alcoholics', and hopefully attend a meeting tonight too. Now I just have to have the discussion with him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Good for you - you are on the right path. I hope everything works out for you. You deserve to be happy and have your happily ever after romatantic wedding. It just mightn not be with him.
I would be terrified of the drinking escalating after coming back from Iraq. No one really knows what happens to them and what they go through there. Drinking will most likely be his way of coping with what is happening to him there.
Protect your self. the disease usually gets worse before it gets better. If it does get better. But you can get better and you will!! Just don't give up.
I would be terrified of the drinking escalating after coming back from Iraq. No one really knows what happens to them and what they go through there. Drinking will most likely be his way of coping with what is happening to him there.
Protect your self. the disease usually gets worse before it gets better. If it does get better. But you can get better and you will!! Just don't give up.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The one thing that I will state loud and clear from my own personal experience is this: regardless of whether you stay in touch with him or not, if you don't dig very deep into your own recovery, you will continue to make the same mistake over and over with men.
13 years into my own recovery from alcoholism, I was still hooking up with dysfunctional men.
13 years is a looooong time to keep making poor choices over and over.
13 years into my own recovery from alcoholism, I was still hooking up with dysfunctional men.
13 years is a looooong time to keep making poor choices over and over.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
I have to decide if I want to stay in some sort of a relationship or drop it altogether
It sounds to me like you are desperate for a relationship....and I hear you! That was probably why it took me so long to break off with XABF. He was long distance too so he could drink (pretending he wasn't) and I could "be in a relationship" (and pretend he didn't drink). It was when he came to visit me in my home and stayed drunk for the entire visit that I was able to gain some insight into the person I was becoming because of the "relationship". And that's when I decided I deserved better......FOR ME!
Get yourself a copy of "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie and her second volume "Beyond Co-dependency" where she talks about healthy relationships.....those chapters were eye-openers for me. Once you start to realize that you are the only one who can control your life and that the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself, nothing else really matters. You will find peace and the whole world will be yours on your terms.
So much good advice on this thread from people who have been right where you are. Listen with your head and love yourself.
ARL
It sounds to me like you are desperate for a relationship....and I hear you! That was probably why it took me so long to break off with XABF. He was long distance too so he could drink (pretending he wasn't) and I could "be in a relationship" (and pretend he didn't drink). It was when he came to visit me in my home and stayed drunk for the entire visit that I was able to gain some insight into the person I was becoming because of the "relationship". And that's when I decided I deserved better......FOR ME!
Get yourself a copy of "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie and her second volume "Beyond Co-dependency" where she talks about healthy relationships.....those chapters were eye-openers for me. Once you start to realize that you are the only one who can control your life and that the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself, nothing else really matters. You will find peace and the whole world will be yours on your terms.
So much good advice on this thread from people who have been right where you are. Listen with your head and love yourself.
ARL
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
Hello again. I still haven't broken the news to him. We've hardly spoken and go figure, he sure hasn't asked why. That's because he knows something is up and he doesn't want to be the first one to point it out. Meanwhile, I am trying to figure out why I am so scared of having the discussion, the one in which I tell him I am not marrying him anytime soon, if ever. On a more positive note however, I did go to an Al-Anon meeting on Friday night that was wonderful! I met some very warm and compassionate individuals that really welcomed me. I even shared and even though I kind of didn't see it coming, the tears started flowing. It's just so disarming to be around people who get what you are going through right? Wow...the power of connection. I would like to go to a meeting tonight but I do not have transportation, so I will look forward to Friday night's meeting.
I also purchased the book, Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was hopeful that I would connect with it more and help me on my recovery path, but to be honest, I really don't identify with a lot of it. There were a couple of other books at the store that interested me in that regard, so I will go check those out instead. I have read all of Beattie's, but I think I should go back and read them again. Can't hurt right?
All in all it was a good weekend and I'm feeling better than early last week. I know I'm on the right path, so that is encouraging. My dad hasn't returned my call, which is weird, since basically my ABF called him to ask for his blessing to marry me, and we haven't even talked about it yet. Just one call from him to me and me leaving him voicemail. Then last night ABF called me sporadically and then at 4 a.m. his time, telling me that he broke his phone (which...surprise! is in my name) when it fell off of his bed. ??? I believe that about as much as I believe the sky isn't blue after all. I think it's his 3rd or 4th phone in a year coincidentally. Cellphones are pretty sturdy these days. They don't break when they fall off your bed, and they are BRAND NEW. Anyway, it's really neither here nor there. I didn't argue with him, just went along with it for now.
Thanks again for all of your encouraging words of wisdom.
I also purchased the book, Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was hopeful that I would connect with it more and help me on my recovery path, but to be honest, I really don't identify with a lot of it. There were a couple of other books at the store that interested me in that regard, so I will go check those out instead. I have read all of Beattie's, but I think I should go back and read them again. Can't hurt right?
All in all it was a good weekend and I'm feeling better than early last week. I know I'm on the right path, so that is encouraging. My dad hasn't returned my call, which is weird, since basically my ABF called him to ask for his blessing to marry me, and we haven't even talked about it yet. Just one call from him to me and me leaving him voicemail. Then last night ABF called me sporadically and then at 4 a.m. his time, telling me that he broke his phone (which...surprise! is in my name) when it fell off of his bed. ??? I believe that about as much as I believe the sky isn't blue after all. I think it's his 3rd or 4th phone in a year coincidentally. Cellphones are pretty sturdy these days. They don't break when they fall off your bed, and they are BRAND NEW. Anyway, it's really neither here nor there. I didn't argue with him, just went along with it for now.
Thanks again for all of your encouraging words of wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
As an ACOA, I found that I didn't "get" the Beatie books until I was ready. Keep reading and it'll click.
Also, I think there is a difference between being involved with an addict romantically and having an alcoholic parent. For me, I could never get close to my father. I still don't really know who he is. With my most recent ex, there was closeness to an extent, but the distance was different. I don't know if that makes sense to you. It was deeper in that he represented by future. My father and his disease were part of my past that I had to get through. It's harder to get over the future you had built up in your head even if it wasn't ever going to really happen. The past is know. You can put a finger on it and there is no guessing what "could" have been because you already know what was.
Also, I think there is a difference between being involved with an addict romantically and having an alcoholic parent. For me, I could never get close to my father. I still don't really know who he is. With my most recent ex, there was closeness to an extent, but the distance was different. I don't know if that makes sense to you. It was deeper in that he represented by future. My father and his disease were part of my past that I had to get through. It's harder to get over the future you had built up in your head even if it wasn't ever going to really happen. The past is know. You can put a finger on it and there is no guessing what "could" have been because you already know what was.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I will tell you that being in the military is a bad place for someone who likes to drink (my AH and I were in the military together, that is where we met). On the weekend it seemed like some barracks on the base turned into frat houses. It depended on who your friends were, but if you like to drink you had plenty of company. What I'm saying is, don't expect the military to straighten him out because it may do the opposite.
Also, I would advise not to marry in such a hurry because I knew other people in the military that did that before deployment, and most of the time it didn't work out for various reasons. Take your time and work on yourself like others hear have advised. You need to figure out what is best and healthy for you, and that will take some time.
Also, I would advise not to marry in such a hurry because I knew other people in the military that did that before deployment, and most of the time it didn't work out for various reasons. Take your time and work on yourself like others hear have advised. You need to figure out what is best and healthy for you, and that will take some time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Then last night ABF called me sporadically and then at 4 a.m. his time, telling me that he broke his phone
You're right that he knows something is up. XABF carried on the same way. A's are expert fishers......they keep casting out the line...hooky, hooky, hooky....and they do it more often when they are drinking......middle of the night too.
Blondie makes a good point about people in the military marrying quickly before a deployment. Could be that despite loving being in the military, your BF is scared stiff of being deployed.....and that's OK....but don't let yourself be his bandaid.
You sound like a smart lady. Keep going to the AlAnon meetings.
ARL
You're right that he knows something is up. XABF carried on the same way. A's are expert fishers......they keep casting out the line...hooky, hooky, hooky....and they do it more often when they are drinking......middle of the night too.
Blondie makes a good point about people in the military marrying quickly before a deployment. Could be that despite loving being in the military, your BF is scared stiff of being deployed.....and that's OK....but don't let yourself be his bandaid.
You sound like a smart lady. Keep going to the AlAnon meetings.
ARL
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