anubus

I posted a couple of weeks ago.....alcoholic, and allergic to work, allergic to sex, warrant for a 3rd DUI he never showed up for a hearing for...blah blah....well I kinda did it. Didn't have the guts to turn him in for the warrant, but DID throw him out of my house. Did it on Friday. He asked if he could have until Sunday (his usual stalling ploy....this has been going on for 1-1/2 years), I said no. Good for me....a real baby step! So he didn't come home Friday night.
He called yesterday (sat), asking if he could pick his (illegal) van & tools up today. I said yes, but asked if he knew what time. He asked "WHY, you want to know WHEN so you can have the cops there to pick me up???"........
I just answered with a disgusted chuckle..."WHATEVER". So I guess I consider that a good reply...(another baby step on my part)....I didn't cave in to his "pee contest".....urgh.
AS much as it killed me, I didnt ask where he was staying, didn't ask if he was okay. Just kept it short & nice.
As figured, he didn't come after his stuff today, never even phoned. I suspect he doesn't have anyplace to put his stuff. I suspect he's staying with an alcoholic friend, and isn't really happy with this. And maybe wants to keep the lines open "in case"..........I really think he is on the verge of turning himself in, dealing with all this.......but is afraid and "not quite sure" of what to do.
But gosh this is SO hard for me!!!!! I know that if he is going to face this, I have to pretend I don't care, that I totally left him. And I know the relationship isn't REALLY a relationship the way he is. He HAS to reach rock bottom IF this is going to work. But, his mom tells me He'll never face it. She says he'll have to be forced into it, by getting eventually caught. I truly love the man, and this is EXTREMELY hard for me to stick with........HELP!!!! ***WHAT IF IT DOESN"T WORK?????????*******

I have been extremely TIRED since I threw him out. Just want to sleep all day, but yet I can't sleep. I have been trying to get my life back on track, but it's hard. I virtually FORCED myself to go out today......cashed my paycheck, and went to a Chinese restuarant (which normally I love). The food tasted horrible. Then tonight I went out to 2 bars with 3 friends. I was totally bored. There was like NOBODY at either bar that even put a mark as to HIM. I thought it was just me at first, but the 2 girlfriends there agreed that there were NO good looking guys.
And, I felt totally inconfidant. I put on some pounds due to stress with HIM I think......my stomach is like a whale. So I didn't even feel comfortable dancing. I'm normally a well dressed lady, but tonight I couldn;t cover up enough in a baggy T-shirt. URGH!!!!!!!!!!

So here I am, back home, and just feeling pretty bad.

I still am determined to stick to my guns with HIm........yikes, it's the ONLY way he's gonna realize he needs HELP.......and if he DOESN'T....then I'm better off breaking ties.....yet short term I feel pretty awful myself!!!!!!! And scared that HE will just find another enabler, to tell him he's OKAY...........

Thank you all for listening..........I really needed to vent.........and asking everyone to PRAY for this guy, and for me. Geez........with God ALL things are possible. I know this, but still going thr:prayingough a rough time.

needtolearn

I just wanted to let you know that what you're feeling isn't weird at all, it sounds like depression, and post traumatic shock.

What people in general fail to realize, is that when you experience a mental/psychic trauma, the physical body is going to react. There is a such thing as a "mind/body" connection.

It's very "normal" that you would feel fatigue, that food wouldn't taste good, that even with the immense fatigue, you can't sleep (anxiety). Stress causes a buildup of the hormone Cortisol, especially in women, and we gain weight, even if we're not eating! I went through these symptom, and I had nausea too. It's all part of your physical body "detoxing" from the mental/psychic trauma.

As far as going to a bar, I think sometimes our friends misguidedly try to get our minds off our exes by putting us out there to get bombed with new people. Why would they think this would work? You're not in a place of being open or attracted to a new guy, not even for a "hook up". Even a "hook up" wouldn't be healthy right now, IMO, and it would probably make you feel 10 times worse.

The only thing you can do sadly, is live through the hell of heartbreak. Yes, take care of yourself, but what I mean is you have to just kinda "go through it". You can't run from it, hide behind new pretty guys, eat it away, or starve it away. It's good though that you are "forcing" yourself to care for yourself. That's very positive. I know it just doesn't feel good right now.

Like people here have told me, just keep "throwing it up", get it out. Cry your tears, be angry, it's okay.

You made a HUGE, important step in reclaiming your life. Remember that in the end, it's YOUR LIFE. You have the right and OBLIGATION to yourself to make sure that it's a happy and healthy life. What he chooses to do with HIS LIFE is his business alone.

Sending :praying and good wishes.

sadandhopeless

Stick to your guns and the decisions you have made. Get your self into some counseling. I know what you are going through. Living with my AH and all the drama, heartache and financial distress that comes along with this caused me to put on 80 pounds in 3 years. I use to love myself and my body and mind and spirit. I lost all that in this relationship becuase we become consumed with the addict in our lives.

I am taking baby steps to help myself. I have started eating right (will not call it a diet) and exercising a few time a week (taking long walks) and it is helping mentally so much. I know it will take some time for it to work on my physical appearance.

I know that the happy, fit and beautiful lady I use to be will be back..This is a decision I have made.

Therapy does help. It does sound like you may be suffering from depression from living this life style. It happens to the best of us, but it will get better if you the steps to make it better.

You have to take care of you and don't worry about where he is staying and what he is doing. You have the RIGHT to put yourself first as he never will.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Barbara52

Good for you in kicking him out. For your own peace of mind, you might want to set a time for him to come and get his "stuff" and let him know that it will be tossed out otherwise. He is likely to draw this process out if you let him, so don't let him.

Be gentle with yourself now. You are going thru a very real mourning process that takes time.

prodigal

And scared that HE will just find another enabler, to tell him he's OKAY

Unfortunately, this is usually how they operate. As soon as their partner kicks them out, they usually glom onto some new victim.

I think you also need to face the possibility that IF he gets caught or turns himself in, he may work a court-mandated program and go right back out after he clears himself and start drinking again.

My AH was tossed in a mandatory rehab by his commanding officer. He was an "A student" according to his counselors. He got orders to go to Iraq as soon as he got out of the rehab. His last two nights stateside he spent in a hotel just off base at Ft. Bragg. He was having a 24/7 "happy hour."

Stick to your guns. I have the feeling he has left some of his stuff at your place as an excuse to maintain contact with you. Realize it could come to the point that you have to give him an ultimatum: (1) come get your stuff or (2) your stuff will be removed from the premises.

lovtolaff

Anubus - I know exactly what you are feeling. I kicked mine out almost 4 weeks ago and I'm still hurting. And YES mine did find another enabler - almost immediately.

The not sleeping, not eating, sick feeling in your stomach WILL ease up over time but everyone here is right - you just have to go through it. It takes time.

I still love my xabf but I can NEVER be with him. He is not going to change and it was affecting my health and sanity. I lost myself in the two years we were dating because I was so consumed with what he was doing.

In the past 3 1/2 weeks I have felt so lost and not sure what to do with myself b/c I was so addicted to his drama and chaos now that there is actually some peace and quiet - I don't know how to handle it. I MAKE myself get out of the house more and hang with friends or family b/c if I don't - I tend to sit at home and dwell on everything and get into a funk. Fake it till you make it - has helped me this last few weeks.

Please hang in there and know that there are many others here that are going thru or have been thru what you are experiencing now. It helps me to read thru the various posts and I come here often to remind myself of WHY I chose this route.

Big hugs to you.

rivka

Anubus-
As they say...it is darkest before the dawn....it will get better. I'm told that too....the swirling and insomnia will diminish with time. All we can do is have faith in our HP, and the great posts on this forum to help light the way.
Your courage is inspiring.
Blessings,
Rivka

anubus

Thank you all so much for the wonderful replies!! I've read them over several times now, to remind myself that I did the right thing. I'm still extemely tired & depressed. And as much as I know I deserve better, and that he'll never change......there still is a little voice in my head saying "MAYBE this will make him bottom out & realize he needs to get help & change." Is this normal to feel this way? I just want to keep believing that it will happen.I know it's only a teeny tiny percent chance of him changing......but I still keep hoping....ugh.

Update on the situation.....oddly, he hasn't phoned since Friday (when he said he'd be up on Saturday to get his van/belongings......which of course he never showed up). But he hasn't called again, which is weird. His mom thinks he's deliberately not calling, thinking that I will start missing him, and beg him to came back. Or I'll break down & call him (it's happened before), and he can regain the control. As much as this is KILLING me, the waiting & wondering......I REFUSE to call him.

I think Prodigal may be correct that he is leaving his stuff here to keep open communication with me. Or giving me time to miss him/need him. I mean, this is totally rediculous.......ALL his belongings are here, except what he left wearing!! ALL of his clothes, his personal belongings, EVERYTHING. How totally WEIRD is that??? He doesn't even have money to buy new clothes, underwear, etc (unless his 19 year old daughter gave him money).

Many of you suggested giving him a time limit to get his stuff out. It's only been 4 days so far.....how long do you all think is a fair time limit? In all honesty, the stuff is not in my way. The only hard part is the wondering on my part......is he goiing to call tonight.......or coming home from work, checking to see if the van is still there, etc (yes, I can't help but to do that first thing......urgh......lol). It's kinda like a closure thing.....pshycologically as long as his stuff is still here, I still think the "MAYBE" thing!!
Also, I'm thinking if I give him a time limit right now, it'll be adding fuel to the "pee contest/war" that he wants......does that make any sense? He EXPECTS me to "say or do something" about his stuff. So I'm wondering if NOT doing anything right now isn't a better strategy? Ugh....confusing!!

On the positive side, I've been trying my best to do "for me". Today I finally got my deed taken care of, to get it out of my X-husband's name (XH is not the guy I'm having problems with now)......it has been sitting at my lawyer's office for months......my X-husband signed his end, but I never had the money to pay the lawyer or filing fee to make it official. SO......:bounce.....my house will FINALLY be in MY name ONLY. We split up 3 years ago, our divorce was final 2 tears ago, and it was a LONG haul for me to save the house from foreclosure, so with it finally in my name.....It's a WONDERFUL feeling!!

SO.....I AM trying here, just like everyone mentioned, going through this depression thing.

Barbara52

The way I see it, you saying "please pick up your stuff by X date" is a statement to set your boundaries, to say "I respect myself and my need to not have this hanging over my head," to tell him you are serious and don't want him thinking he has the option to waltz back in when ever it strikes his fancy and to tell him he needs to respect you and your boundaries. If you do not set a time limit, you are letting him control you and what happens in your space.

I do not see it as any sort of peeing contest at all. As to how long, I'd set a fairly short time period but that is me.

Fantastic! What a load that must be off your mind.

FormerDoormat

It's not weird at all. When I threw him out, Richard left all his belongings at my house, too. I told him he could come and get them anytime, just let me know when and I'd put them in the garage for him.

He never picked them up. All he had were the clothes on his back. His personal belongings meant nothing to him. All he needed in his life was alcohol. And that's all he had to his name on the day he died. His beloved bottle was right by his side.

CatsPajamas

I boxed stuff up and took it to a storage unit. I payed for 30 days storage and mailed him both of the keys. That way he could get his stuff at his leisure and I didn't have to be involved in anymore drama.

It really does take time to process all of your feelings etc. Are you able to attend any Al Anon meetings? It helped me to be able to call a recovery friend when I really wanted to call HIM.