bookwyrm

Just wondered if anyone else has felt the same way I do. I've been thinking about codie ways and enabling and I feel I owe my AH an apology. If I hadn't stuck it out so long before looking for help here and at Al Anon, he might have had the chance to get sober much, much earlier (not that he's taking the chance right now, but he is making noises about it).

He's been a functioning alcoholic for almost as long as I've known him but his condition has deteriorated lately and, after 18 years together, I am in the process of leaving and he knows it. During that time, though, I have been enabling his drinking to the harm of both of us.

I feel I have contributed to this mess, feel a bit guilty for my part and would like to apologise to him. He's still drinking and is very erratic emotionally, which means I can't apologise as it will either be twisted in some way by him into an attack or used as a way to manipulate me. I just feel so sorry about it all. I wish it could have been different for us both. Once we finally separate, I hope he manages to stand on his own two feet and achieves peace in himself.

Typing this, I think I've realised that I forgive him. I hope I can hold on to this feeling!

lovtolaff

I too have been having some serious guilt issues lately...but I think mine are from a different standpoint. I keep thinking - what if I would have done this or what if i would have not said that - maybe things would have been different.

It's almost like I've forgotten all the crap that I had to deal with while living with an alcoholic. It's like I can only remember the "good" times that we had and I do know that there were alot of bad times too but those don't seem to come to the forefront of my mind very often.

In your situation, I'm not sure that apologizing to him will do any good. I know if it were "us" - mine would just turn it around somehow on me and it would just turn into a big argument.

So no advice really, but wanted you to know that there are others who are suffering from "guilt" in many ways.

Best wishes.

Lilyflower

As I said in another thread about ''Alkie letters'', I think it is really important to forgive ourselves.

In my signiture it says '' I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now that I know better, I will do better.'' That has become a motto for me.

I cannot go back and change what has gone by, or educate the me back then to all I have learnt in the now. Guilt is a horrid feeling to carry around. I feel that guilt is telling me that I wish to not make the same poor choices again and to do better for me in the future.

I know I need to trust in my HP, to believe the ''grand design'', fate, whatever, and believe that all that has happened has happened for a reason, if only to bring me to where I am now mentally and emotionally. The journey of my life has brought me to a place of deeper understanding of myself, of others, of the world. I would not change my past if I could, because without it, who would I be now? Perhaps a person who has a shallow outlook onto life, who's main goal in life is to get the next latest fashion, or keep up on the celebrity gossip.

My life has so much meaning because of what I have and am going through. My soul has benefited from all those who have crossed and shared my path with me, and I am thankful to them for bringing what they did into my life. They shared their love, which opened my love; their fears, dreams, problems, which (when I learnt how) helped me to see into myself and grow spiritually and emotionally.

You are on your path, your AH is on his, we each have to tend to our paths the best way we can, hopefully with humility, understanding and learning. the best gift of apology you can give to another is to live recovery each day (beautiful inspiration supplied by CMC).

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

The following on guilt and shame is from Struggle for Intimacy by Janet Geringer Woititz, a book in the Adult Children of Alcoholics series:

In a relationship, anything that goes wrong becomes, to some degree, your fault. You feel it is your fault because the things you do are no good, and because you are no good. It is your fault because in growing up it was the only means of control you had. If you were responsible for what happened, then you believed you could do something to change it. It was, of course, futile because you were not responsible; but the struggle to try made you feel that you were not completely out of control. In a relationship, you think you can do something to change it. You can apologize, or you can do something different. If you are guilty, then you can do something. If you are not guilty, then you are, because of your mind set, in a very real sense, stuck.

The idea of saying to your partner, "Why don't we take a look at this, regardless of whether I'm at fault, or you're at fault? I'm okay, and you're okay, and you and I need to find out what's going wrong," does not enter your mind. Because, essentially, you do not believe that you are okay. Even if what you did is okay, you don't realize it. Therefore, every interaction get extremely complicated. Also, you do not want the person with whom you are involved to find out how inadequate or worthless you are. This, in turn, creates a climate in which you are less that totally honest. It goes back to the fear of "being found out."

bookwyrm

That was a beautiful post Lilyflower - thanks!

I guess I just have these regrets and a little bit of sadness still to work through but I think I've lost a lot of the anger I used to feel. I feel I helped make the mess we're in and I feel a bit sorry for him! Never thought I'd type that!!!

bookwyrm

Barbara, I was typing my post when you were! Are you saying that I'm looking at things in totally the wrong way that there shouldn't be any notion of fault because that entails guilt and blame? I like that idea! I guess it comes back to issues of personal responsibility. I think that maybe I let myself down, rather than him, and I should be apologising to me. Feels a bit strange...

Barbara52

Feeling that you helped make the mess is reasonable. To some extent you did, by your behaviors, words and choices. All relationships are complicated and very few relationships suffer only because of one person in that relationship. Both people contribute to problems to one degree or another.

But, and this is a very big but BTW, only he is responsible for his choices regardless of any enabling you may have engaged in!

bookwyrm

Thanks Barbara for that 'Ah Hah' moment!

Kindeyes

bookwyrm
I understand your feelings of guilt. Wow....do I! As the mother of an A, it really hits hard. I know I didn't cause it. I can't control it. And I can't cure it. But as a mother, just knowing that my behavior contributed in any way was quite devastating.

I have accepted my participation in this disease. I have forgiven myself. I am trying to change one day at a time.

Quite honestly, I'm not sure that apoligizing to your AH will make any sense to him at this point. Just changing your behaviors and doing what you need to do for you will provide the environment for him to change......or not......it's his choice.

I hope that you can forgive yourself. That's when I felt the guilt lift.

I love what Lilyflower had to say. It was beautifully stated.

gentle hugs

Barbara52

I'm trying to get rid of the concept of blame and guilt for myself since I am finding it counterproductive to my understanding of myself, my issues, my choices.

There are cercumstances where guilt is resonable. If I do something and hurt someone by my action, I am "guilty" of doing that. What I think is the right thing to do in those circumstances is to make amends if possible and to forgive myself for my mistake.

My xAh is facing homelessness in a few weeks. From his POV, he is a victim of me and the world. Me becasue I chose to leave him and get divorced. The world because nothing bad that happens is ever his fault. I am sure he thinks I should feel guilty about his situation 'cause he wouldn't be where he is if I had stayed married to him providing for him, enabling him. If I had not been working hard on understanding myself over the past year, I probably would have taken on that guilt as mine. But I'm not. I know his circumstances are a result of his choices and behaviors. He had options the past 3 yrs other than to wallow in his victimhood and not take care of himself as an adult should. The guilt is his, not mine.

juju

Bookwyrm,

I’ve been exactly there not too long ago! I did apologize to ah. About 2 weeks ago. For the very same reasons you shared. Not expecting anything in return, but I felt the need to acknowledge my role in this whole mess. And I know that I *did* have a role. The apology was kind of a launching point into a discussion about my new outlook on things.

He *has* tried to twist it and use it as a manipulation tool. I was expecting that, as that is his m.o. But, I have already acknowledged it (my role), apologized for it, and I refuse to take any further blame or guilt for my actions in the past. And that’s exactly what I say to him when he tries his “games”.

hugs,

juju

MsPINKAcres

Guilt - such a debilitating word. It can rob me of my joy, my peace, my self-respect and my honor.

I lived a life full of guilt prior to recovery. I still struggle with it sometimes - but the tools of the program usually start to come to mind to help me.

Part of a Reading today from Hazelden:

We must stop dwelling on the impossibility of undoing the wrongs of yesterday. Instead, we must begin enjoying the "right things" that are now possible in recovery.

It is impossible to relive my past. I can only create a good past now by living this day the best way I can, so that tomorrow I can look back without having to say "It might have been."
For me, guilt makes me want to relive my past, to undo a past wrong, to carry shame for choices, actions and/or thoughts I had before. Ah - there is the key - BEFORE. Before what? Before I knew of a better way.

So maybe I didn't handle situations the best way that I could have. This I will admit is true. But I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time. Does this excuse my behaviors? No, not really, but it gives me understanding and insight to strive to do better today.

Today, I do know a better way - I'm learning, growing, developing tools for a healthier way of life.

Today, I say "Good Bye, Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster".

You have no hold on me. I have already acknowledge my past actions were not the healthiest. I did that when I reached out for help in learning a different way. I will not allow you to shame me into beating myself up any longer. My HP and I are molding me into the person I am to be. Those past experiences are part of that process. I have learned what doesn't work and am not trying things a better way.

This is how I handle those eeky guilt emotions about past behaviors.

Just my e, s, & h

Wishing you a wonderful day filled with Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Lilyflower

I see this as compassion.

''Compassion is a profound human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as altruism. In ethical terms, the various expressions down the ages of the so-called Golden Rule embody by implication the principle of compassion: Do to others as you would have done to you. Ranked a great virtue in numerous philosophies, compassion is considered in all the major religious traditions as among the greatest of virtues.'' - Definition Wikipedia

''whereas loving-kindness has the characteristic of wishing for the happiness and welfare of others, compassion has the characteristic of wishing that others be free from suffering, a wish to be extended without limits to all living beings. Like metta (loving kindness), compassion arises by entering into the subjectivity of others, by sharing their interiority in a deep and total way. It springs up by considering that all beings, like ourselves, wish to be free from suffering, yet despite their wishes continue to be harassed by pain, fear, sorrow, and other forms of dukkha (disquietude)." - Bhikkhu Bodhi, Bhuddist monk.

What else can be said? Compassion is a beautiful thing!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

starflier

Thank you. I really needed that inspiration this morning.

OverItNow

Well, I was raised Catholic and I am Italian and a codie, so guilt is sort of a staple . I do have guilt over AH's situation, but I am always asking myself if I feel guilty because of something I've done, or do I just feel bad? Nine times out of ten, I am not feeling guilty, I am feeling sorry. I think everyone feels they could have done more, said this or that, etc., but does it prevent anything? Probably not. It comes down to the choice.

I've also learned that when I am guilty of something and I apologize, it is those that really care about me that will accept my apology, we have a discussion and move on with the relationship intact. When I've ever apologized to AH, the apology is seen as a sign of weakness and there is always an influx of manipulation just around the corner. Forgive yourself for yourself to yourself.