My first post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 90
My first post
Hello,
I have read all your posts and can see this is a wonderful site full of insight and caring. I have been a lurker for so long, but after last night, I decided to share my story.
I have been married 8 years, the first few years were wonderful. Alcoholism has been in my family and my AH's family for years. I never dreamed I would marry a man that was just like my father. My father passed away when I was nine because of alcohol abuse (it killed his liver and his heart). I have a wonderful 16 year old stepdaughter and my AH and I have a four year old that worships her father.
My husband got addicted to opiates while abusing alcohol about two years ago. I had absolutely no idea. How stupid. How could I have not seen this. All our money came up missing with stupid explanations that I believed. Now I am smarter, I see where it goes now. He just had major knee surgery and got addicted again. I do think he is getting away from them now because he got a new job and they randomly drug test. But, the alcohol is back full strength now. He had the same job for 16 years and was fired. He now found a new job that he really likes. He said things would be better now that he is working. Why I believed him, I don't know. I guess wishful thinking. He really used to be a respected man. He would do anything for me or anybody, but this disease is taking him over. He never follows through on anything. He used to work around the house, I am lucky if he will mow the grass once a week.
I just don't know what to do. Some days I think I have reached my point, but other days I just can't get myself to leave. I always threaten it, but I have never left. My daughters would be so devistated. He says he loves me and does the I am sorry thing all the time. He says he knows he drinks too much. Then there is always the next time. Last night he went out at 5:00 p.m. and didn't return home until 10:30 p.m. (he had to be at work at 3:00 a.m.) So of course, I sat and worried all night and got myself sick. He does this every once in a while. Very codependent.
I am really trying to get over being codependent and after reading so much on it, I do believe I am learning slowly to stop trying to control.
Thank you so much for listening. I am not sure what I am asking for; I guess I just needed to put this in writing. I hope this all made sense. Why can I not just be strong and get away from him. I guess it is just loss of a dream of the way things used to be.
Thanks.
I have read all your posts and can see this is a wonderful site full of insight and caring. I have been a lurker for so long, but after last night, I decided to share my story.
I have been married 8 years, the first few years were wonderful. Alcoholism has been in my family and my AH's family for years. I never dreamed I would marry a man that was just like my father. My father passed away when I was nine because of alcohol abuse (it killed his liver and his heart). I have a wonderful 16 year old stepdaughter and my AH and I have a four year old that worships her father.
My husband got addicted to opiates while abusing alcohol about two years ago. I had absolutely no idea. How stupid. How could I have not seen this. All our money came up missing with stupid explanations that I believed. Now I am smarter, I see where it goes now. He just had major knee surgery and got addicted again. I do think he is getting away from them now because he got a new job and they randomly drug test. But, the alcohol is back full strength now. He had the same job for 16 years and was fired. He now found a new job that he really likes. He said things would be better now that he is working. Why I believed him, I don't know. I guess wishful thinking. He really used to be a respected man. He would do anything for me or anybody, but this disease is taking him over. He never follows through on anything. He used to work around the house, I am lucky if he will mow the grass once a week.
I just don't know what to do. Some days I think I have reached my point, but other days I just can't get myself to leave. I always threaten it, but I have never left. My daughters would be so devistated. He says he loves me and does the I am sorry thing all the time. He says he knows he drinks too much. Then there is always the next time. Last night he went out at 5:00 p.m. and didn't return home until 10:30 p.m. (he had to be at work at 3:00 a.m.) So of course, I sat and worried all night and got myself sick. He does this every once in a while. Very codependent.
I am really trying to get over being codependent and after reading so much on it, I do believe I am learning slowly to stop trying to control.
Thank you so much for listening. I am not sure what I am asking for; I guess I just needed to put this in writing. I hope this all made sense. Why can I not just be strong and get away from him. I guess it is just loss of a dream of the way things used to be.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Its so hard to do. I'm only 3 weeks into recovery, and its a royal -----. The unreality is amazing. You think that you're on the right road, and in a blink of an eye, you're in the weeds doing donuts, and you have no clue how it happened.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by Reddmax 
Its so hard to do. I'm only 3 weeks into recovery, and its a royal -----. The unreality is amazing. You think that you're on the right road, and in a blink of an eye, you're in the weeds doing donuts, and you have no clue how it happened.
(((Welcome worried))) You are in a great place for support and information. I have learned so much in the past 10 months I have been lurking/contributing. I am sorry you are struggling. I have struggled with my STBXAH as well- for over 10 years. It's very hard, but I am finding that I see what's happening with new eyes now- hard- but worth the pain. I have to recommend Melody Beattie books- especially Co-dependent No More. I read it once and hated it- and then recently read it again and could identify with so much of it- that's what I mean by seeing the world with new eyes. I am much more receptive to learning what I need to to get healthy. You've made a great start by sharing. Take care!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hello Worriedwife! i'm so glad you decided to post after so long reading!
You sound as though you have done alot of work so far into understanding this disease and yourself, so congrats to you for that!!!
A few things in your post made me think, so I will just put my tuppence in (English version of two cents!),
Don't be down on yourself for not realising things earlier, addicts are very very good at hiding things and manipulating our feelings into making us believe their stories, and because we love them, we are predetermined to believe, I mean trust is vital in a relationship and we don't go around expecting that to be abused, so just let that go now. It has happened and you are now were you are today. The past is the past and cannot be altered, the future is yet written!
The decision as to do you want to leave, you will know the answer to that when you are ready, and it happens at different times for us all. Don't stress about whether you should go or not. However, It may be a good idea to not always threaten it and not follow through. I know this happens alot, I did it many times! But what happens usually when we say things and don't follow through is that people learn that we don't mean what we say, and so when we do try to hold a boundary, it can be difficult to get others to listen to us with sincerity as they keep expecting us to change our minds. That happens with adults as well as children.
Also, the children will be affected by what is happening at home. It is not necessarily true that if you do divorce, your kids will be marred by it. Living in an alcoholic house hold can have lasting affects on a childs mind that they carry right into adulthood. Check out the ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) forum or just ask here for insight into that. If you stay or go, it is important to understand how children are affected and to be there for them. Children are like sponges, they soak up clean and dirty water, they don't know the difference.
One thing that may help you with your husband is to ignore his talk, with an A it is more beneficial and helps maintain sanity to watch the actions they preform, as talk rarely means anything (quacking). For example your AH says he is sorry he drinks, he knows he has a problem etc,, but what is he actually DOING to make things better? - loosing his job, continued drinking, staying out late drinking when he needs to get prepared for his new job. do the actions match up to the words?
Welcome again and I hope you keep posting,
Love and blessings to you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You sound as though you have done alot of work so far into understanding this disease and yourself, so congrats to you for that!!!
A few things in your post made me think, so I will just put my tuppence in (English version of two cents!),
Don't be down on yourself for not realising things earlier, addicts are very very good at hiding things and manipulating our feelings into making us believe their stories, and because we love them, we are predetermined to believe, I mean trust is vital in a relationship and we don't go around expecting that to be abused, so just let that go now. It has happened and you are now were you are today. The past is the past and cannot be altered, the future is yet written!
The decision as to do you want to leave, you will know the answer to that when you are ready, and it happens at different times for us all. Don't stress about whether you should go or not. However, It may be a good idea to not always threaten it and not follow through. I know this happens alot, I did it many times! But what happens usually when we say things and don't follow through is that people learn that we don't mean what we say, and so when we do try to hold a boundary, it can be difficult to get others to listen to us with sincerity as they keep expecting us to change our minds. That happens with adults as well as children.
Also, the children will be affected by what is happening at home. It is not necessarily true that if you do divorce, your kids will be marred by it. Living in an alcoholic house hold can have lasting affects on a childs mind that they carry right into adulthood. Check out the ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) forum or just ask here for insight into that. If you stay or go, it is important to understand how children are affected and to be there for them. Children are like sponges, they soak up clean and dirty water, they don't know the difference.
One thing that may help you with your husband is to ignore his talk, with an A it is more beneficial and helps maintain sanity to watch the actions they preform, as talk rarely means anything (quacking). For example your AH says he is sorry he drinks, he knows he has a problem etc,, but what is he actually DOING to make things better? - loosing his job, continued drinking, staying out late drinking when he needs to get prepared for his new job. do the actions match up to the words?
Welcome again and I hope you keep posting,
Love and blessings to you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Hello, WorriedWife2, you've made a very important step just by putting your thoughts into actual words, in print, where other people can read them. I know it's helped me tremendously being here and sharing, and reading other people's experiences. It's amazing how similar our lives are when we're struggling with relationships marred by addictions. Take care of yourself, read and learn as much as you can, and keep sharing. You're right, it's the loss of the dream that makes it so hard. Dreams are hard to leave behind.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by starflier
... Dreams are hard to leave behind.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Welcome Worriedwife, it's normal to grieve for the loss of your dreams, and the used to be's. In time you will be able to create new dreams for you and your kids.
Im sure you already know that alcholism is progressive, if he is not getting help he will get worse in time. I would think of the future with him still drinking and seriously think how the kids will feel seeing their Dad drunk most of the time.
I feel for you so much, your in a horrible place in your life, but you can change this, taking one step at a time and taking care of YOU. Glad you joined us.
Mair xx
Im sure you already know that alcholism is progressive, if he is not getting help he will get worse in time. I would think of the future with him still drinking and seriously think how the kids will feel seeing their Dad drunk most of the time.
I feel for you so much, your in a horrible place in your life, but you can change this, taking one step at a time and taking care of YOU. Glad you joined us.
Mair xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Welcome WorriedWife2-
I found SR a few weeks back and feel like I have stepped into a big group hug. Everyone here truly cares.
Though our situations may differ, and outcomes may as well, it helps to sometimes read that you are NOT alone and we are all thinking of you, even if suggestions are few. Feel free to vent...I DO and it feels great...and no one judges you for it!!!
I learned here that although I'm a classic, typical insecure frustrated Codie--I will be OK with continued guidance and support here.
I agree with the several other posts that talk about the Co-D no more book and al-anon meetings, and reading the stickys....especially the "what addicts do" under the Friends/Family of Substance Abusers..its a very poignant note that is straight to the point.
I've received great feedback here also on how we co-d spouses and girlfriends are in need of "emotional sobriety", as we spin in our partner's issues, and try to rescue them.
I visit SR daily...hope to see you here again soon.
Hugs,
Rivka
I found SR a few weeks back and feel like I have stepped into a big group hug. Everyone here truly cares.
Though our situations may differ, and outcomes may as well, it helps to sometimes read that you are NOT alone and we are all thinking of you, even if suggestions are few. Feel free to vent...I DO and it feels great...and no one judges you for it!!!
I learned here that although I'm a classic, typical insecure frustrated Codie--I will be OK with continued guidance and support here.
I agree with the several other posts that talk about the Co-D no more book and al-anon meetings, and reading the stickys....especially the "what addicts do" under the Friends/Family of Substance Abusers..its a very poignant note that is straight to the point.
I've received great feedback here also on how we co-d spouses and girlfriends are in need of "emotional sobriety", as we spin in our partner's issues, and try to rescue them.
I visit SR daily...hope to see you here again soon.
Hugs,
Rivka
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Africa
Posts: 65
Hi WorriedWife! I lurk on this website too, but I have found there is so much to learn and so much support to be found here. I am sure that just by posting here you are taking a step in the right direction...
Hugs, Jo X
Hugs, Jo X
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome WorriedWife-Glad that you are here! Keep posting and know that
you are not alone-you have come to a great place where there is a lot of support!
As CMC pointed out please check the stickies at the top of the forum as they are filled with a wealth of information!
you are not alone-you have come to a great place where there is a lot of support!
As CMC pointed out please check the stickies at the top of the forum as they are filled with a wealth of information!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Welcome WW!! I lurked around here for quite some time before I actually posted as well. This community has helped me in so many ways! It helps to know that you are not alone and other people have been where you are now.
I recently gained the courage to split with my ABF the end of June, after 3 years of trying to fix him. I have learned that THEY must be the ones to help themselves. I have also learned that I was sick myself. Once I realized that I could only help myself feel better, it opened my eyes to a lot of things....about my XABF's disease and about myself and my codie ways.
Glad you found us here. Many people in this community have experienced what you are going through right now and they have their own personal stories of what helped them.
Take care and keep posting and reading.
I recently gained the courage to split with my ABF the end of June, after 3 years of trying to fix him. I have learned that THEY must be the ones to help themselves. I have also learned that I was sick myself. Once I realized that I could only help myself feel better, it opened my eyes to a lot of things....about my XABF's disease and about myself and my codie ways.
Glad you found us here. Many people in this community have experienced what you are going through right now and they have their own personal stories of what helped them.
Take care and keep posting and reading.
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