Hit Bottom
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Hit Bottom
Over the last two weeks the AW and I have been slowly increasing the strain. Well, last night the line broke. I found that she's in communication with her ex, and her reply was "I told you if you looked, you'd find something to worry about, so why did you look".
I was flabbergasted. I told her "I have a right not to be hurt. I deserve better than this. If I'm going to be in a relationship, it would be a relationship with two people, not a relationship with 2 people and a ghost. Make a decision. Either me, him, or no one."
I then packed my bags and slept, and went to work. I asked her this morning if she wanted me home tonight or not. She said yes. We'll see what happens, but I'm through with this hoping.
Red
I was flabbergasted. I told her "I have a right not to be hurt. I deserve better than this. If I'm going to be in a relationship, it would be a relationship with two people, not a relationship with 2 people and a ghost. Make a decision. Either me, him, or no one."
I then packed my bags and slept, and went to work. I asked her this morning if she wanted me home tonight or not. She said yes. We'll see what happens, but I'm through with this hoping.
Red
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So, what are you saying? You're leaving your fate and your future up to her? You're going to take whatever she says at face value? Why not make your own decision based on the facts you already have?
L
L
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Red
If you lay down a bottom line, be prepared to hold to it. I found that if I laid down an ultimatum and gave HIM the power to make the decision, I was setting myself up (again) for disappointment.
When we did the intervention for our A son, we told him how much we loved him. We told him how hard it was to watch him spiral downward. We told him that we were prepared to step away because it was just too painful to watch anymore. It was rehab or us.......and we meant it. He was given the choice but it was HIS life we were giving him a choice on......not ours. We were taking control of our lives.
gentle hugs
If you lay down a bottom line, be prepared to hold to it. I found that if I laid down an ultimatum and gave HIM the power to make the decision, I was setting myself up (again) for disappointment.
When we did the intervention for our A son, we told him how much we loved him. We told him how hard it was to watch him spiral downward. We told him that we were prepared to step away because it was just too painful to watch anymore. It was rehab or us.......and we meant it. He was given the choice but it was HIS life we were giving him a choice on......not ours. We were taking control of our lives.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Why is it her choice? Why do you need her approval to come home tonight? You deserve better than this, so why don’t you go get it?! By giving her the choice of your destiny, you are giving her the power. You do what’s right for you. If she follows you, that’s her choice. She also has the choice to be the type of person you deserve to have.
(((hugs))) for your tough situation.
(((hugs))) for your tough situation.
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i echo what everyone else is pointing out, that we often give our power away to the other person, then resent THEM for taking it and misusing it.
seeing it is the first step towards healing it, red.. now you see. she does not have anybody's best interests at heart but her own, if that, which is doubtful as long as she drinks destructively. its like you are in the car with a drunk driver, and you are asking the drunk driver to drive, navigate and converse intelligently all at the same time.
time to take over the wheel for your own sanity and safety.
seeing it is the first step towards healing it, red.. now you see. she does not have anybody's best interests at heart but her own, if that, which is doubtful as long as she drinks destructively. its like you are in the car with a drunk driver, and you are asking the drunk driver to drive, navigate and converse intelligently all at the same time.
time to take over the wheel for your own sanity and safety.
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No,
I'm not giving her any power at all. I have all of my stuff ready to go. I gave her the choice of 1) Getting her crap together and really working on two issues or 2) I'm gone.
The statement about coming home is a proxy for #1.
I'm not giving her any power at all. I have all of my stuff ready to go. I gave her the choice of 1) Getting her crap together and really working on two issues or 2) I'm gone.
The statement about coming home is a proxy for #1.
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Okay, then let me toss this out there just as food for thought. (Comes directly from my experience with an alcoholic and ultimatums.)
Suppose you go home tonight and she is all apologetic and full of promises to change. There may even be tears and begging. What will you do then?
I ask because, in my experience, when the enabler threatens to leave, the alcoholic lays on the manipulation. That's how they buy more time until the next ultimatum.
L
Suppose you go home tonight and she is all apologetic and full of promises to change. There may even be tears and begging. What will you do then?
I ask because, in my experience, when the enabler threatens to leave, the alcoholic lays on the manipulation. That's how they buy more time until the next ultimatum.
L
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LaTeeDa,
Your post is right to the point, as always. I don't care about tears any more, or promises, all I care about is action. I have to come back to work on Monday anyway. If I leave tonight, tomorrow, or Sunday, it doesn't matter. Her actions will determine my actions. This is a rationalization, but things have finally come to a head. She can affect my life for 6 months to a year top. We don't have kids, we don't have alimony, I already told her she can have everything (house,cars, furniture, electronics,....) except for my car, my books, my clothes, my tools, and my hobby equipment. I'll take half the credit card debt. She can have the rest. Don't care.
She has three choices: Torture me for 6 months to a year in divorce court. 2) Let it go gracefully or 3) Fix it. That's it.
Red
Your post is right to the point, as always. I don't care about tears any more, or promises, all I care about is action. I have to come back to work on Monday anyway. If I leave tonight, tomorrow, or Sunday, it doesn't matter. Her actions will determine my actions. This is a rationalization, but things have finally come to a head. She can affect my life for 6 months to a year top. We don't have kids, we don't have alimony, I already told her she can have everything (house,cars, furniture, electronics,....) except for my car, my books, my clothes, my tools, and my hobby equipment. I'll take half the credit card debt. She can have the rest. Don't care.
She has three choices: Torture me for 6 months to a year in divorce court. 2) Let it go gracefully or 3) Fix it. That's it.
Red
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Reddmax,
I don't think you've hit the bottom, I think you've hit the top. You're already out of the pit of denial and into the charge of action. As for your options, I don't know how she could torture you for 6 months to a year in divorce court. You really have no control over how amicable she'll be during a split. In fact, given how alcoholics love drama and reasons to drink, she'll probably pull all kinds of stunts, like call you night and day balling her eyes out or screaming at you.
I think your options for her are for her to put you first or for you to find someone who will. She either will or she won't. What you decide to tolerate is your choice, not hers.
I don't think you've hit the bottom, I think you've hit the top. You're already out of the pit of denial and into the charge of action. As for your options, I don't know how she could torture you for 6 months to a year in divorce court. You really have no control over how amicable she'll be during a split. In fact, given how alcoholics love drama and reasons to drink, she'll probably pull all kinds of stunts, like call you night and day balling her eyes out or screaming at you.
I think your options for her are for her to put you first or for you to find someone who will. She either will or she won't. What you decide to tolerate is your choice, not hers.
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Correct, respekting me....
What I mean by torture is this. She can decide to drag things out, cause problems, etc. No matter what, in 6 months or a year, it will be done. The torture is having to react (legally) to whatever stupidity someone else decides to do. I hate dealing with lawyers..
What I mean by torture is this. She can decide to drag things out, cause problems, etc. No matter what, in 6 months or a year, it will be done. The torture is having to react (legally) to whatever stupidity someone else decides to do. I hate dealing with lawyers..
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Originally Posted by Reddmax 
Her actions will determine my actions.
Seeing this in print is really helpful for me. I still find myself living like this, at times with certain people, and telling myself that i am fully aware and empowered.
food for thought, as always..
good work!
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Red,
Sorry you're going through this. I feel it's not two people in a relationship plus a ghost; it's one person (you), one who's checked out, and one ghost. Hardly the fixins for a happy life.
You may wish to ponder this: What are the specific, measurable things that she can do to get you to stay? Saying "we have to work on us" is very ambiguous and can be twisted to mean just as much or as little as SHE decides it should.
I'd suggest, humbly, that you think today about very specific things you need her to do, and by when, in order to continue on. And if she will not agree to them, leave her to her stinky lying mess, get yourself a good lawyer and do an amicable split. Giving her everything is a recipe for tons of resentment down the line. You've put your blood, sweat and tears into the house, and I'm sure you can prove, on paper, that you're entitled to half the proceeds. Don't give her any more than she's already taken from you.
Sorry for the pain. We've been there and we're with you.
Sorry you're going through this. I feel it's not two people in a relationship plus a ghost; it's one person (you), one who's checked out, and one ghost. Hardly the fixins for a happy life.
You may wish to ponder this: What are the specific, measurable things that she can do to get you to stay? Saying "we have to work on us" is very ambiguous and can be twisted to mean just as much or as little as SHE decides it should.
I'd suggest, humbly, that you think today about very specific things you need her to do, and by when, in order to continue on. And if she will not agree to them, leave her to her stinky lying mess, get yourself a good lawyer and do an amicable split. Giving her everything is a recipe for tons of resentment down the line. You've put your blood, sweat and tears into the house, and I'm sure you can prove, on paper, that you're entitled to half the proceeds. Don't give her any more than she's already taken from you.
Sorry for the pain. We've been there and we're with you.
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Give Love,
Right now, for me, the house is a burden, not an advantage. If I lived in it, I'd be paying two house payments (due to commuting costs). If we sell it, we lose money. If I give it to her, yeah, she might get a bonus 1,2, or 3 years from now, but I don't care about that. My freedom to live my life in a healhty and constructive way is not worth 10K, or 20K, or 50K.
As far as the furniture and stuff, I'll get my own, in my own style. My books, tools, clothing, and hobby stuff is already mine. The TV was bought for 3 grand, I can get another one for half that that is just as good. Her car is hers. There is nothing in that house that I care about besides what I mentioned.
I'm fantasizing about living a life where no one can put a knife in my back. Where no one attacks me for anything. Where I can find a real partner, and a real friend to spend time with.
To paraphrase VISA, its priceless.
Right now, for me, the house is a burden, not an advantage. If I lived in it, I'd be paying two house payments (due to commuting costs). If we sell it, we lose money. If I give it to her, yeah, she might get a bonus 1,2, or 3 years from now, but I don't care about that. My freedom to live my life in a healhty and constructive way is not worth 10K, or 20K, or 50K.
As far as the furniture and stuff, I'll get my own, in my own style. My books, tools, clothing, and hobby stuff is already mine. The TV was bought for 3 grand, I can get another one for half that that is just as good. Her car is hers. There is nothing in that house that I care about besides what I mentioned.
I'm fantasizing about living a life where no one can put a knife in my back. Where no one attacks me for anything. Where I can find a real partner, and a real friend to spend time with.
To paraphrase VISA, its priceless.
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Originally Posted by Reddmax
I'm fantasizing about living a life where no one can put a knife in my back. Where no one attacks me for anything. Where I can find a real partner, and a real friend to spend time with.
Although I didn't realize it at the time, when I started having those fantasies, I was on my way to a better place. Being able to visualize what you DO want is so important to actually getting it. Like they say, thoughts become things.
My X, in all the lying and infidelity and pain and suffering, gave me an incredible gift: he illustrated for me the relationship I did NOT want, tattooed it on my brain forever. Maybe your wife is giving you a similar gift.
I wanted a true friend, someone who not only loved me but also LIKED me, and who would've hung out with me even if we weren't married. I wanted someone I could trust (to be an equal partner, to not hurt my feelings, etc.) I wanted someone who was as committed to the relationship as I was. The day I woke up and I realized I had NONE of those things in my then-situation.....was the most painful and the most freeing day of my life.
I see what you mean about the house. Good logical thinking, red. Nice.
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Originally Posted by Reddmax
Give Love,
Right now, for me, the house is a burden, not an advantage. If I lived in it, I'd be paying two house payments (due to commuting costs). If we sell it, we lose money. If I give it to her, yeah, she might get a bonus 1,2, or 3 years from now, but I don't care about that. My freedom to live my life in a healhty and constructive way is not worth 10K, or 20K, or 50K.
As far as the furniture and stuff, I'll get my own, in my own style. My books, tools, clothing, and hobby stuff is already mine. The TV was bought for 3 grand, I can get another one for half that that is just as good. Her car is hers. There is nothing in that house that I care about besides what I mentioned.
I'm fantasizing about living a life where no one can put a knife in my back. Where no one attacks me for anything. Where I can find a real partner, and a real friend to spend time with.
To paraphrase VISA, its priceless.
Right now, for me, the house is a burden, not an advantage. If I lived in it, I'd be paying two house payments (due to commuting costs). If we sell it, we lose money. If I give it to her, yeah, she might get a bonus 1,2, or 3 years from now, but I don't care about that. My freedom to live my life in a healhty and constructive way is not worth 10K, or 20K, or 50K.
As far as the furniture and stuff, I'll get my own, in my own style. My books, tools, clothing, and hobby stuff is already mine. The TV was bought for 3 grand, I can get another one for half that that is just as good. Her car is hers. There is nothing in that house that I care about besides what I mentioned.
I'm fantasizing about living a life where no one can put a knife in my back. Where no one attacks me for anything. Where I can find a real partner, and a real friend to spend time with.
To paraphrase VISA, its priceless.
This is great. You are in a really good situation, actually. And, as GL says, you are affirming a new and better future, starting right now! You rock!
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Hitting bottom is hard, painful, dirty and just not a good weekend. I had a Sunday full of broken pictures, glasses, phones, etc. I'm on 2 hours sleep today, and a rough couple of days ahead.
I'd like to thank everyone here for the support and care they've given me. If could be so bold, include me in your prayers, cause I believe I need all the help I can get. I'll update later.
I'd like to thank everyone here for the support and care they've given me. If could be so bold, include me in your prayers, cause I believe I need all the help I can get. I'll update later.
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Oh, my, I'm so sorry about all the drama in your life right now. Not only are you under terrible stress because of the situation, but you're also trying to function with a horrible lack of sleep. Please, keep us updated, as it sounds like a potentially dangerous atmosphere for you.
:sorry
:sorry
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