New here and looking for advice...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Africa
Posts: 65
New here and looking for advice...
Hi everyone.
I found this website a couple of days ago and have been reading the posts. I am going to take a chance and ask for your advice. My partner of 12 yrs (and husband of 3yrs) is the eldest son of an alcoholic who died last year of chronic liver cirrhosis. My husband has been a binge drinker for as long as I have known him. I have seen him go for up to a month without a drink but he won’t do as I have often asked and spend a few months being sober. He is a lovely man when sober, a wonderful partner and father to our three young children - he goes to their school matches and is very involved in their lives, he is very caring to me. He has held the same job for 10 yrs, he is very responsible and committed to our family and me. He runs 10km a couple of times a week. And yet, his alcohol intake has been a problem between us for many many years.
When he drinks, he is often really nasty (but he has never been nasty with the kids – I do quite a good job of shielding them and I am a very stable figure in their lives). He has never hit me, but he has punched walls and broken windows a few times. He used to go out with his friends or colleagues drinking 4 or 5 times a week. A couple of times years ago he had inappropriate relationships with other women. These days he goes out probably twice a week, and he will come home usually between 1am and 4am. Very occasionally (once a year) it's 6am or 8am. I never know when he is coming home for dinner until he calls me around 6pm to tell me what he is doing or he just shows up. (When he comes home, he will have a couple of drinks/glasses of wine and stop at that and is fine). Recently he has started doing what I call double whammies – going out two nights in a row. Because I have lived with this for years, I stay away from him when he is drunk, generally manage not to get drawn into an argument with him and I get the kids out of his way. He has low self-esteem and when he is drunk he blames me for a great deal in his life saying that I haven’t supported him enough and I don’t understand him, which makes me feel like a useless wife.
I have grappled for years with the question of whether he is an alcoholic or not. I have found it hard to say that he is because: his intake has not increased over the years – he has always binged – so his tolerance has remained pretty much the same, he holds his life together very well – people like him very much and no-one has ever said anything about his drinking apart from me or my friends who know my side of the story. When I try to talk to him about the possibility of him having a drink problem, he gets very angry and says that our life is completely normal and that I just think he is a useless and bad person, that he is irresponsible, that he is not a good father, that he gets up in the morning and drinks like his father (he doesn’t), etc. (which are all his words and not mine.). On a regular basis (every few weeks) we will have a crisis and I often have lightbulb moments when I think I just have to get myself and my kids out of this. I had one a couple of weeks ago when he came home from a Saturday of drinking, drew me into conversation and started shouting and I responded by getting my kids together and taking them up to bed and locking us away from him, and he went off to watch tv, but I found myself shaking and burst into tears and just thought this is not normal. Is it?
He is so absolutely lovely at other times. What do you think? I am so reluctant to break up our family. Forgot to mention, I have been to a couple of counsellors about this in the past, with no particular positive conclusions. Mostly they have said he sounds like he is an alcoholic and he needs to get into counselling himself... I'm in Africa so it's kinda hard to find Al Anon groups.
Thank you for your time – sorry this was a long post.
I found this website a couple of days ago and have been reading the posts. I am going to take a chance and ask for your advice. My partner of 12 yrs (and husband of 3yrs) is the eldest son of an alcoholic who died last year of chronic liver cirrhosis. My husband has been a binge drinker for as long as I have known him. I have seen him go for up to a month without a drink but he won’t do as I have often asked and spend a few months being sober. He is a lovely man when sober, a wonderful partner and father to our three young children - he goes to their school matches and is very involved in their lives, he is very caring to me. He has held the same job for 10 yrs, he is very responsible and committed to our family and me. He runs 10km a couple of times a week. And yet, his alcohol intake has been a problem between us for many many years.
When he drinks, he is often really nasty (but he has never been nasty with the kids – I do quite a good job of shielding them and I am a very stable figure in their lives). He has never hit me, but he has punched walls and broken windows a few times. He used to go out with his friends or colleagues drinking 4 or 5 times a week. A couple of times years ago he had inappropriate relationships with other women. These days he goes out probably twice a week, and he will come home usually between 1am and 4am. Very occasionally (once a year) it's 6am or 8am. I never know when he is coming home for dinner until he calls me around 6pm to tell me what he is doing or he just shows up. (When he comes home, he will have a couple of drinks/glasses of wine and stop at that and is fine). Recently he has started doing what I call double whammies – going out two nights in a row. Because I have lived with this for years, I stay away from him when he is drunk, generally manage not to get drawn into an argument with him and I get the kids out of his way. He has low self-esteem and when he is drunk he blames me for a great deal in his life saying that I haven’t supported him enough and I don’t understand him, which makes me feel like a useless wife.
I have grappled for years with the question of whether he is an alcoholic or not. I have found it hard to say that he is because: his intake has not increased over the years – he has always binged – so his tolerance has remained pretty much the same, he holds his life together very well – people like him very much and no-one has ever said anything about his drinking apart from me or my friends who know my side of the story. When I try to talk to him about the possibility of him having a drink problem, he gets very angry and says that our life is completely normal and that I just think he is a useless and bad person, that he is irresponsible, that he is not a good father, that he gets up in the morning and drinks like his father (he doesn’t), etc. (which are all his words and not mine.). On a regular basis (every few weeks) we will have a crisis and I often have lightbulb moments when I think I just have to get myself and my kids out of this. I had one a couple of weeks ago when he came home from a Saturday of drinking, drew me into conversation and started shouting and I responded by getting my kids together and taking them up to bed and locking us away from him, and he went off to watch tv, but I found myself shaking and burst into tears and just thought this is not normal. Is it?
He is so absolutely lovely at other times. What do you think? I am so reluctant to break up our family. Forgot to mention, I have been to a couple of counsellors about this in the past, with no particular positive conclusions. Mostly they have said he sounds like he is an alcoholic and he needs to get into counselling himself... I'm in Africa so it's kinda hard to find Al Anon groups.
Thank you for your time – sorry this was a long post.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 07-08-2008 at 09:08 PM. Reason: Easier to read
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! You have found a great place for information and support. Keep reading and posting. I hope you find this place as helpful as I did.
Whether he is an alcoholic or not, his drinking is a problem in your relationship and therefore a problem. Period. You say he hasn't gotten physicall abusive but hitting the wall, etc. is only a tiny little step away from hitting you or the kids. Please be careful. Violence and alcohol abuse tend to escalate over time.
Whether he is an alcoholic or not, his drinking is a problem in your relationship and therefore a problem. Period. You say he hasn't gotten physicall abusive but hitting the wall, etc. is only a tiny little step away from hitting you or the kids. Please be careful. Violence and alcohol abuse tend to escalate over time.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family.
Glad you decided to join. For me I have found wonderful love, acceptance and support in dealing with the alcoholics and addicts in my life.
There are several good books that help with dealing with our issues concerning someone else's drinking - my personal favorite is "How Al-Anon Works for Family and Friends of Alcoholics" - answered lots of my questions and gave me something I had not had in a long time - HOPE.
I'm sure others will be along with other reading material suggestions - Please keep reaching out, posting here and taking good care of you.
Please, don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve it.
HUGS,
Rita
Glad you decided to join. For me I have found wonderful love, acceptance and support in dealing with the alcoholics and addicts in my life.
There are several good books that help with dealing with our issues concerning someone else's drinking - my personal favorite is "How Al-Anon Works for Family and Friends of Alcoholics" - answered lots of my questions and gave me something I had not had in a long time - HOPE.
I'm sure others will be along with other reading material suggestions - Please keep reaching out, posting here and taking good care of you.
Please, don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve it.
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Motown
Posts: 122
Welcome!!
I know those crisis very well! I could have written your post just about word for word. My “bottom” I guess you could call it, is when it did start affecting my kids. They are 8 & 10. It was easy to shield them when they were younger, earlier bedtimes!
For some reason, I don’t value myself enough to say “I won’t let you treat me this way”, but with my kids it’s a whole different story. And by “protecting” them, I have found that I, too, deserve better treatment than what I get when he’s drinking. I, too, am not ready to call it quits, but I can’t keep living from crisis to crisis, and that’s basically what my life had become.
Al-Anon I think will help me (just started). There’s a book “One Day At A Time In Al-Anon” that’s been amazing for me. Keep reading and posting here, and pick yourself up some books. Are there counselors who have experience with families of alcoholics you can talk to?
Keep posting, keep reading, and take care of you!
juju
I know those crisis very well! I could have written your post just about word for word. My “bottom” I guess you could call it, is when it did start affecting my kids. They are 8 & 10. It was easy to shield them when they were younger, earlier bedtimes!
For some reason, I don’t value myself enough to say “I won’t let you treat me this way”, but with my kids it’s a whole different story. And by “protecting” them, I have found that I, too, deserve better treatment than what I get when he’s drinking. I, too, am not ready to call it quits, but I can’t keep living from crisis to crisis, and that’s basically what my life had become.
Al-Anon I think will help me (just started). There’s a book “One Day At A Time In Al-Anon” that’s been amazing for me. Keep reading and posting here, and pick yourself up some books. Are there counselors who have experience with families of alcoholics you can talk to?
Keep posting, keep reading, and take care of you!
juju
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 36
hello! this board is very helpful and i have already gotten much strength from others here. when you read the posts, many times it seems as if the words are coming straight from you. situations seem to be so similar.
i've endured my ah having other women, outbursts where he yells, breaks things, etc. it is very frightening, so be vigilant and take measures to protect yourself and children.
there is no easy answer to all of this.
i've endured my ah having other women, outbursts where he yells, breaks things, etc. it is very frightening, so be vigilant and take measures to protect yourself and children.
there is no easy answer to all of this.
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