ThreeBs

I spent 9 years with an A boyfriend- I've lurked here for years, only one post. I'm disappointed in myself right now. I share the same story with a lot of you, the codependency, the lies the tears, etc. etc. Recently, He and I have been talking, NO, not about getting back together, but we've had some loose ends to tie up. My house just sold, and he still has a few things there, etc.

Since we've split, his drinking is much worse. He doesn't hardly see his boys, their mother is basically trying to weed him out of their lives, and I somewhat agree with her, esp,. when there's one lame excuse after another in regards to him being a crappy parent.

I'm wondering why I care about his well being any more. I look at him and I can see how sick he is. He looks like hell, drunk, depressed, etc. I had a dream a few weeks ago that I was called to ID him at the morgue. Last night, he was drunk and asked If I would bring him something to eat, and I did. I just went there, and had small talk for 2 mins. I didn't get out of the car. I knew if I didn't go, he'd drive.

Why Oh Why am I having a hard time being no longer responsible for him? I've moved on, I'm happier and in a better place than I probably ever have been. I have a new BF, a new house, actually feel content.

Barbara52

I can't answer why you haven't been able to let go al the way. Its sure part of codependency to not do so. Have you tried individual therapy to explore these issues? I found even a few sessions to be very helpful for me.

Bernadette

Why Oh Why am I having a hard time being no longer responsible for him? I've moved on, I'm happier and in a better place than I probably ever have been. I have a new BF, a new house, actually feel content.

Hiya threeb's-
well no one can answer that - but you sure do want to pay attention to it since you know it is probably only inviting troublesome emotions, feelings of responsibility, guilt, control, whatever, back into your life. It's your subconscious saying there's still something here that you need to take a look at - I don't mean with him - I mean IN YOUR MIND. There is an addictive quality to the "drama" for many who have lived with A's. There is an addictive quality to "rescue" fantasies. The question you asked is the same one addicts ask themselves - why oh why do I go back to this situation when I have no good reason to go back, and all the reasons in the world to STAY away! So these emotional dynamics are very powerful for codies.

Keep digging and working on it in therapy. And maybe no-contact with exABF if it's stirring up rescue behavior like you're the only person who can feed him or prevent him from driving. You know it has nothing to do with you! He's a man.

Tough stuff- but it's always a good sign when we come here and question!!
Hugs and prayers--
Peace,
B.

peaceteach

If you can try to look at it as your own relapse, maybe you can see how self-defeating maintaining contact with him is. You have some cool new things going on in your life, sweetie. Don't YOU deserve to enjoy this life you've created for yourself? You aren't the one screwing up -- he is -- and you DON'T have to go down that path anymore. It's totally your choice, and there is nothing wrong with stopping any communication. What you don't know won't cause you any more pain, and that is what severing the tie means. It's a good thing, a good choice for you to make to help YOU. You can't help him, you know that. But you can make the next strong step in your new path, by stopping the contact. It's very freeing and really easy to get used to. And there is nothing wrong in doing whatever you can to create a life that has mostly ALL good days with the occasional sucky one. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, not behind the other. What you want is out there

ThreeBs

Thanks everyone. I know cutting all contact is what I need to do. It's just terribly difficult. I know he will use me until I don't allow it any longer. I know it's going to cause problems in my new relationship if I allow it to. But, you all know how hard it is. It just must be done.

ThreeBs

Since I wont talk to him, he's now leaving drunken messages on my parent's machine.

Barbara52

Delete them without listening to them.