strongerwoman

Last night AH sent me an email out of the blue:

"I'm sorry. For everything I've done to hurt you. I just wanted you to know that. Goodnight."

I knew an email like that would be coming because when I had spoke to him about our daughter's dentist appt last night, he seemed to want to prolong the phone call, then at the end he said "goodnight hon" all sweet-like instead of goodbye.

Then this morning he calls me and tells me that he is worried that I missed my appt with the hematologist (I have chronic anemia they cant figure out why) 6 weeks ago and can I promise him that I'll reschedule my appt and go.

A little while ago I had to meet him to pick up my daughter (she spent the day at his apt visiting with her older 1/2 brother and sister while AH was at work)

He came up behind me without me seeing him and put his arm around me. Then was asking "can I please have a hug?"

Well, CRAP. I let him hug me and reluctantly hugged back.
Darn it, darn it darn it.
For the past week I've been coming to terms with us being done, for good. (Unless that magical miracle day comes someday where he decides to get treatment, tons of counseling, and all that........then and only then, after at least 6 mos of hard recovery work and therapy would I even consider working on our relationship, and I just really don't think he can overcome a lifetime of alcoholism and drug use.)
Anyhow, just spend the week being depressed, angry, hopeful, scared, any emotion you can name, I've been working through it this past week. And I think I'm coming out the otherside and starting to accept that he is gone and that I can't live with what he has done to me and who he has become.
Going through the grieving process, trying to get a grip on it all....
Grieving the loss of our family, of our dreams, of everything.

But, I've also been missing him. The physical him. We were always a touchy- feely couple and I've just been missing him, his smell, his body, his hand to hold, him next to me holding me as I fall asleep, all of it. Missing his smile, missing talking to him, and on and on.
Almost to the point of driving over in the middle of the night and climbing into his bed with him. <<<Crazy>>> I almost didn't even care, damn the consequences.....just to be close to him and feel loved for a while.
Guess I have my own addiction to come to terms with huh?
I can't even describe the terrible longing for him being close that I've been struggling with.

And then he goes and hugs me.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr............................... ...

2 steps ahead, 200 steps back!
Gosh, I feel so damn vulnerable right now. Because despite it ALL, I still truly love my husband and still dream that someday we can be a happy healthy couple, though I know the odds of that happening are slim to none.

TTOSBT

I am so sorry SW.
Keep strong, you are worth it! :codiepolice
I hope AH knows what he has lost.
You are doing fine, pat yourself on the back!

justjo

Keep strong and know true love will come. Yourself.

I always tell myself;
A dream is a dream.
A plan is a plan.

starflier

I feel your pain, in so many ways, and please know that I am thinking of you. I haven't even had a chance to introduce myself yet (that's coming in the next few days) but please know that there are SO MANY of us dealing with the same pain you're dealing with. That's why we've stuck it out so long! I am sending you strength and holding power.
with love,
Sharon

Barbara52

Perhaps you've seen people say "Play the tape all the way through?" Do that! Don't forget what led you to your decision to separate. Don't forget how many times you've heard the promises. Don't forget your suspicions concerning another woman. Don't forget the pain you have gone through.

You can do this and get to the point where you feel stronger and more sure of your decisions. Do not let his manipulations lead you to doubt yourself, forget your own needs and the needs of your children.

hadenoughnow

This is the same guy who tells your daughter to lie to you about his drinking and "relationship" with another woman right?

loner1968

MANIPULATION!!!! Sorry for yelling but I know it now and I don't want you to fall back into this. It won't be 200 steps back...it will be 2,000...I have been there and it took ALOT to not go there anymore.

I read your posts all the time and I can tell you know its the same old thing. I Missed my XABF so much. We were together for 14 years and he left suddenly. I still hurt from it sometimes more than 3 years later but I am so much more understanding of alcoholism and co-dependence that i'm pretty sure I would never fall for it again. I don't speak to him at all and he is not allowed to talk to me ( I guess that works out to my benefit).

I let myself do exactly what you wanted to do when you AH hugged you. I threw any self respect out the window. I did not care and that is so uncharacteristic of me. I put my health at risk (mental and physical). In wanted so badly to believe this was true but all the while...he was drunk...I think back now and I can't blieve I acted and thought that way.

This may be something your thinking of doing and I know people will do what they want. I hjope you don't. I know its hard. Its sooooooo hard and painful. It sucks big time. There is no way to describe it to anyone....not even people who have been there becasue its soooo personal. We can realte to each others common experiences b

loner1968

oh man I was on a role and posted that too early by mistake..but you kow what I mean.

prodigal

Just to add to what hadenough just posted, isn't this the man that left your ll year old daughter alone at 10:30 p.m. so he could go hang out in a bar?

Isn't this the man that made your daughter feel frightened and nervous by the amount he was drinking around her?

Missing a physical, caring relationship is a reality. Having a young girl who is nervous around her father is a reality. If you are by nature a touchy-feely person, then I assume you hug your child frequently. How about sitting down with her this evening, and spending some quality time? I think focusing on giving her love and affection may help you get over this time when you miss the physical closeness with your AH.

loner1968

we can relate to common experiences but only to a certain point. So I can only tell you that I know how the thinking feels. I know from looking back that it is so twisted. Think back to how you thought before you found SR and began recovery. See how far you've come....don't step back.

strongerwoman

and here it is, the email i was waiting for and got tonight:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you for the hug,I needed it.I miss holding you.The last few days have been very hard for me.All I can think about is you.You may not believe that,but it's true.I just wish I could be with you,and forget all that has ever come between us.I know that is not reality,just how I wish things could be.How I wish for a perfect world.I Love you Stephanie,more than I will ever love anyone,ever. Goodnight
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Great. Just great......

CatsPajamas

I posted a reading from the Al Anon Forum awhile ago... it described a woman who was trying to reach her husband but he was engulfed by a horrible dragon beast that was his addiction. She knew he was in there somewhere, but she couldn't win the fight with the beast.

If it's his time, your husband will seek and find recovery. If not, he'll have to do some more "research" first. You have the same choices - you can work on your own recovery and show your daughter a life filled with love and happiness and boundaries and respect.

I know what it's like to crave the loving touch of Dr. Jekyl... but Mr. Hyde was always lurking there to wreak havoc in my life.

Hugs

prodigal

From what I'm reading, a lot of the communication between you and your AH has to do with the physical side of your relationship; namely, sex. Yes, holding, kissing, foreplay, etc., but basically sex. It's an important ingredient in a relationship, but when booze and/or drugs are tossed into the mix it can leave us afterwards still feeling unfulfilled because the consistently stable emotional connection is missing.

So I'll share just a bit of my experience, having been married to TWO raving alkies. Both of them were fantastic lovers. Both of them were ultimately out for themselves regardless of their expertise in the bedroom. And when the sweat dried on the sheets, I was still left to deal with an addict who was as adept at manipulating and blowing smoke as he was at lovemaking.

freeflower

omg, this happened to me last week, the letter I mean.I have hardley had contact at all and then, out of the blue, the letter. I had one saved in my drawer from 8 years ago when his 2 duis came and I threw him out. They were almost word for word the same. i left it out for him to read when he got home ( I go to my dogs when he is at work) and decided to let him know exactly where I was at the moment..on paper..so he could read it and remember what i said. Otherwise, he forgets. anyways, He than left me a nasty nasty one. All I said was I was doing a lot of hard work to help my self mentally and pysically and he wasn't doing anywork, just stuffing the feelings same old way, drinking, and him thinking a lovey note could fix 28 years of crap!(*&^(*^%(*& anyways, next day, the new note was very pissy..see, he didn't here what he wanted and his manipulation didn't work just a .I don't want to talk about the dogs, the kids or how ****** up you think I am..see ya!,,,well, hummffff...didn't hurt my feelings this time cause I knew it was coming.
Be careful, if he doesn't get you to cooperate, he will turn on a dime..you know that already thou. hang tuff!

cem001

Has anyone forgotten that an alcholoic is one of the best liars?

They seem to know what to say at the exact moment to get you at your most vulnerable (sp) state.

Stay strong, work on your recovery.

peaceteach

Just for perspective, Stephanie, look back at the email and see how much he says "I" and not "you". It's really all about him, honey, not you. He is so not yet in a place to put your needs first like you can. Take care of YOU today, sweetie. You are the one person who can love you today. Not him.

GiveLove

Yeah, yeah, I have several of those notes in the bottom of a box somewhere. He wrote them when the woman he was sleeping with didn't answer his calls.

Such manipulation.

I'll stop writing now, 'cause there's no telling what'll come out of my mouth. See, I was one of those kids who got left alone at night while my parent(s) went out drinking. One night someone broke into the house, ransacked the place and molested me. I'm sure they were having a wonderful time hugging and smooching each other, wherever they were.

I can see it's going to take something like that before you reach YOUR bottom.

I'm sorry your craving for him is so strong that you can't see what's happening to your daughter.

i4getsm

When I was taking the kids to see their dad last weekend, STBXAH touched my arm with his finger and said "what's that? A cut?" He was literally just touching my arm, and I very nearly jumped out of my skin. I wanted to hug him so bad at that moment. It really freaked me out at the time. When I had time to think about it, I realized that it's the physical touch that I missed, but not specifically from him. Like Barbara said, play the tape all the way through. I might get a hug one day and a big argument the next. For me, it's not worth the trouble. Apparently not having me in his life isn't enough of a consequence to reach his "bottom" and get into recovery. He may say he loves me but if he's not doing the work, then it's just words.

I also think it's interesting what freeflower said about her AH's response to negativity about the letter. I wonder if your AH would have that same response if you didn't respond to him with kindness. Again, it's just words if the emotion behind them can change so quickly just based on how the recipient responds. KWIM?

strongerwoman

well, I took my daughter over to AH's apt to swim with her older 1/2 bro. and sis. (he'll bring her home after he gets through with work)

my raging codie ways lead me to search his drawer (where I know he keeps his m.j. stash and where I've found an open package of condoms before - keep in mind, he's a married man with a vasectomy....)

I did this yesterday too. Didn't find anything

Today, SURPRISE! (not) I find a new package of condoms.

His story on them before was he uses them for easy "clean up" during after he does his business watching pornos. BLECH.

I know I'm not supposed to snoop, but am glad I have because otherwise I'd be in the dark about so much.

Anyway, so yeah -last night he wrote me the loving email and yet sometime in the evening he also bought a package of condoms.

So, my question is now - do I bring up what I've found again? I brought it up last time, thats when I got the "used for easy clean up" story.

Barbara52

Let me get this straight. You go over to his apartment and snoop through his property? And you see this as OK why? All I know is that if anyone snooped through my things I have a danged good reason to be very angry with them and would likely call the cops on them. It sounds like trespassing if nothing else. Talk about violating someone's personal space.

And why would you want to bring up the fact that you snooped through his things and didn't like what you had no right to see anyway? Are you separated or not? Are you deliberately seeking drama in your life? I find myself wondering how you think any of your choices here are helping you or your daughter. Or do you want to teach your daughter that personal property mean nothing, that snooping through someone else's things is acceptable behavior? Perhaps it is to you I guess but it sounds borderline illegal to me.