"Don't tell your mother..."
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
"Don't tell your mother..."
A few days ago my 11yo daughter and I were riding in the car when she started telling me things out of the blue.
She was nervous and crying.
Apparently my AH (we are seperated) has been telling our daughter not to tell me things that go on at his house that our daughter knows would make me upset.
Things like:
playing a rated R movie at his house that was really scarey for her.
allowing her 1/2 brother to play a playstation game with lots of cussing and violence in front of her.
and the biggie:
leaving her alone at his apt at 10:30 at night so he could go to the bar.
Let's just say none of this went over too well with me. Oh no it didn't.
Plsu she went on to say she doesnt like being there when he drinks, telling me all about how he is into margaritas now, sometimes she counts his drinks, she is always nervous/scared there (has anxiety problems) he lives in a not-so-great area, then she went on to talking briefly about things that have happened in the past when he drank, things she didn't like.
Oh, and you may remember that I am almost certain he cheated on me with the mother of his son that he gave up for adoption 15 years ago who has now found him.
She called me one Friday night in May when they were apparently together, I'm told she was drunk and she called me from his cell phone to tell me that I'm not his Honey anymore at 11:30pm. She then spent the night at his house because she was too drunk to go home and her boys (one of them the boy given up for adoption) were at my AH's apt watching movies so she ended up spending the night. And nothing happened between them of course, Blah, blah, blah.
ANYWAY.........
Did ya catch all that?
This was my AH's way of dealing with the situation with our daughter:
"A***, come here for a minute. You know that J and I aren't going out don't you?! Well, your mom thinks we are and you can't convince your mother otherwise so don't even try."
Now our daughter only knows J (the OW) as her 1/2 brothers mom. She wasn't aware of the things that happened, and AH just spouts off at her with this.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......
Now of course, when I confront AH with all of this, he quickly tries to shift the blame to me. Saying that he doubts highly that our daughter just came out and told me these things, that he has known me 14 years and "knows how I operate" and that he's sure I've been questioning our daughter.
Quack, quack, quack......
I went on to tell him that he is, in effect, telling our daughter to lie to me and putting her in a terrible spot, and putting a lot of stress and pressure on her.
He didn't really see it that way.
I then told him again how bothered she is by his drinking and all that. Told him that its pretty bad when your 11yo daughter keeps track of how much you are drinking when she is with you.
It goes nowhere, but to him turning the tables on things and blaming me for whatever he can think of at the time.
I asked him what he was going to do when I get it court ordered that he not be drinking before or when our daughter is with him.
He said "I don't know. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there huh?!"
Later I emailed him and told him I am getting our daughter into therapy as soon as I can, and asked him if he would be willing to go with her if/when requested by the therapist. He said yes, but I guess we'll see. This was the guy that up and stormed out of marriage counseling when the "Spotlight" got put onto him and his drinking, ect.....
Just had to vent. Thanks for listening.
Oh, and I'm reading the book When Your Lover is a Liar, it is REALLY good. Highly recommended!
She was nervous and crying.
Apparently my AH (we are seperated) has been telling our daughter not to tell me things that go on at his house that our daughter knows would make me upset.
Things like:
playing a rated R movie at his house that was really scarey for her.
allowing her 1/2 brother to play a playstation game with lots of cussing and violence in front of her.
and the biggie:
leaving her alone at his apt at 10:30 at night so he could go to the bar.
Let's just say none of this went over too well with me. Oh no it didn't.
Plsu she went on to say she doesnt like being there when he drinks, telling me all about how he is into margaritas now, sometimes she counts his drinks, she is always nervous/scared there (has anxiety problems) he lives in a not-so-great area, then she went on to talking briefly about things that have happened in the past when he drank, things she didn't like.
Oh, and you may remember that I am almost certain he cheated on me with the mother of his son that he gave up for adoption 15 years ago who has now found him.
She called me one Friday night in May when they were apparently together, I'm told she was drunk and she called me from his cell phone to tell me that I'm not his Honey anymore at 11:30pm. She then spent the night at his house because she was too drunk to go home and her boys (one of them the boy given up for adoption) were at my AH's apt watching movies so she ended up spending the night. And nothing happened between them of course, Blah, blah, blah.
ANYWAY.........
Did ya catch all that?
This was my AH's way of dealing with the situation with our daughter:
"A***, come here for a minute. You know that J and I aren't going out don't you?! Well, your mom thinks we are and you can't convince your mother otherwise so don't even try."
Now our daughter only knows J (the OW) as her 1/2 brothers mom. She wasn't aware of the things that happened, and AH just spouts off at her with this.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......
Now of course, when I confront AH with all of this, he quickly tries to shift the blame to me. Saying that he doubts highly that our daughter just came out and told me these things, that he has known me 14 years and "knows how I operate" and that he's sure I've been questioning our daughter.
Quack, quack, quack......
I went on to tell him that he is, in effect, telling our daughter to lie to me and putting her in a terrible spot, and putting a lot of stress and pressure on her.
He didn't really see it that way.
I then told him again how bothered she is by his drinking and all that. Told him that its pretty bad when your 11yo daughter keeps track of how much you are drinking when she is with you.
It goes nowhere, but to him turning the tables on things and blaming me for whatever he can think of at the time.
I asked him what he was going to do when I get it court ordered that he not be drinking before or when our daughter is with him.
He said "I don't know. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there huh?!"
Later I emailed him and told him I am getting our daughter into therapy as soon as I can, and asked him if he would be willing to go with her if/when requested by the therapist. He said yes, but I guess we'll see. This was the guy that up and stormed out of marriage counseling when the "Spotlight" got put onto him and his drinking, ect.....
Just had to vent. Thanks for listening.
Oh, and I'm reading the book When Your Lover is a Liar, it is REALLY good. Highly recommended!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I think your daughter will benefit from having a therapist or someone to talk with. When I was going thru something similar I also advised the school counselor. He put together a group of kids and had a support group of sorts within the school. It was a really good thing for my sons ~ who were still a bit too young for Ala Teen at that time.
Hugs... the stuff and drama that goes on between mom's house and dad's house can be pretty confusing for the kids.
Hugs... the stuff and drama that goes on between mom's house and dad's house can be pretty confusing for the kids.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sounds like life is a real mess for your daughter right now. Have you talked with an attorney about what your options are in terms of visitation? You may be able to limit it based on it not being in the best interests of your daughter.
Therapy is a good choice. I hope it goes well.
Therapy is a good choice. I hope it goes well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 65
I think your main priority right now should be your daughter, she would benefit by talking to someone about this. That is not something an 11yr old girl should have to worry about and deal with, and obviously it is getting bad when she breaks down like that...poor thing.
And I also agree with Barbara explore your legal options; she does not need to be exposed to that.
And I also agree with Barbara explore your legal options; she does not need to be exposed to that.
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