help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: ma
Posts: 1
help
Hello I am new to this so please bear with me. I am so concerned over my daughter who has twins 6 months and a 2 1/2 year old son. She has been doing great up till this point. Yesterday she told me her problems all stem from being molested when she was 7 by a neighborhood boy who was 13. When this happened all I knew was that he touched her. As years went on I found out he penetrated her. Its been very hard for her. The back ground of her family is bothe parents are recovering alcoholics and he younger brother is in recovery also. Two older brothers have nothing to do with the family . There were problems dut to fatheer being in viet nam and combat . It is essentially a broken family. When my daughter talked to me this morning she informed me that its not about the drink its the molestation that bothers her (which of couse it does) I hav eseen her drink and she has a total personality change. I believe she is an alcoholic. She is trying to convinc eme she is not and will probably one day drink. I am horrified. What can I do as a parent to help her?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Dainty,
Welcome to Sober Recovery, family and friends! I hope you stick around and read at the top of this page the things called "stickies" to help you learn more about your situation. One thing you may not have realized in all your concern for your daughter and her drinking is how YOU have been affected, how YOU are not loving the life you are living because you are spending an awful lot of your time focusing on her instead of yourself, trying to figure out why she is so unhappy that she drinks, what could be the reason and how you can help.
This forum has taught me that the person with the addiction has to first WANT the help, to WANT to quit, and without that every single thing I do to "help" is a waste of time and energy. Every worry I feel is a waste of energy until the addicted person makes that decision to quit for themselves, not for me, not even for their little children. I learned that all my trying to help not only didn't work, but sometimes made things worse. I know I thought "Well I'm the mother, that is what mothers do" and it took me a while to really get that lesson as a mother of an addicted son, but this forum really helped me. Please keep reading about how OUR part in their addiction can be changed.
One more thing I did want to mention, Dainty, is that an alcoholic/addict can spend a fair amount of time trying to justify WHY they are using or drinking, coming up with many, many excuses and reasons, just to keep drinking and to get you to doubt what you know is the truth--they are addicted, plain and simple. There is no real reason, it just happens to some people, and they have to learn that THEY CAN'T DRINK, period. If I were you I would not fall into a guilt or "poor her" attitude about this, hard as that may sound. Being victimized as a child does not CAUSE someone to become an alcoholic. You didn't cause it either.
Read about codependency (YOUR part) and how your enabling of the alcoholic really doesn't help them at all. Try to spend a few moments each day with your focus off her and on you. This is really important
Welcome to Sober Recovery, family and friends! I hope you stick around and read at the top of this page the things called "stickies" to help you learn more about your situation. One thing you may not have realized in all your concern for your daughter and her drinking is how YOU have been affected, how YOU are not loving the life you are living because you are spending an awful lot of your time focusing on her instead of yourself, trying to figure out why she is so unhappy that she drinks, what could be the reason and how you can help.
This forum has taught me that the person with the addiction has to first WANT the help, to WANT to quit, and without that every single thing I do to "help" is a waste of time and energy. Every worry I feel is a waste of energy until the addicted person makes that decision to quit for themselves, not for me, not even for their little children. I learned that all my trying to help not only didn't work, but sometimes made things worse. I know I thought "Well I'm the mother, that is what mothers do" and it took me a while to really get that lesson as a mother of an addicted son, but this forum really helped me. Please keep reading about how OUR part in their addiction can be changed.
One more thing I did want to mention, Dainty, is that an alcoholic/addict can spend a fair amount of time trying to justify WHY they are using or drinking, coming up with many, many excuses and reasons, just to keep drinking and to get you to doubt what you know is the truth--they are addicted, plain and simple. There is no real reason, it just happens to some people, and they have to learn that THEY CAN'T DRINK, period. If I were you I would not fall into a guilt or "poor her" attitude about this, hard as that may sound. Being victimized as a child does not CAUSE someone to become an alcoholic. You didn't cause it either.
Read about codependency (YOUR part) and how your enabling of the alcoholic really doesn't help them at all. Try to spend a few moments each day with your focus off her and on you. This is really important
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
Peaceteach. Great advice. I am in the situation where my AW was abused as a child. This did not cause her to drink, she drinks because she is an alcoholic plain and simple.
Dainty. You will get alot of help here. Support your daughter but know and realise your limitations or it will wear you down. She must know that she can't control the drink before she will accept any help.
Dainty. You will get alot of help here. Support your daughter but know and realise your limitations or it will wear you down. She must know that she can't control the drink before she will accept any help.
Last edited by NicTKD; 06-25-2008 at 05:44 AM. Reason: Typo
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by dainty 
Hello I am new to this so please bear with me. I am so concerned over my daughter who has twins 6 months and a 2 1/2 year old son. She has been doing great up till this point. Yesterday she told me her problems all stem from being molested when she was 7 by a neighborhood boy who was 13. When this happened all I knew was that he touched her. As years went on I found out he penetrated her. Its been very hard for her. The back ground of her family is bothe parents are recovering alcoholics and he younger brother is in recovery also. Two older brothers have nothing to do with the family . There were problems dut to fatheer being in viet nam and combat . It is essentially a broken family. When my daughter talked to me this morning she informed me that its not about the drink its the molestation that bothers her (which of couse it does) I hav eseen her drink and she has a total personality change. I believe she is an alcoholic. She is trying to convinc eme she is not and will probably one day drink. I am horrified. What can I do as a parent to help her?
Hi Dainty, and Welcome to SR and F&F...you will find some wonderful support here , there are so many of us who have shared your pain and struggle..
I am a mom of a 24 yr old alcoholic daughter..Through this site and Al-Anon, I have learned among other things, that my daughter will seek help for her addiction when she is ready , and not a minute before...and I am powerless to change that..
My daughter has an anxiety disorder, is BP2, had 2 childhood cancers that robbed her developmentally so that she is 2 years behind socially and emotionally, has been sexually abused, and lived on the street for a time ...but she has 'chosen' to numb herself with alcohol, rather than get the help she needs to deal with her life...
she has been singing the same song for a long time now...and complaining about her life and all of her problems...and yet refuses to do anything about them or admit she is addicted. Her 'song', actually kept me from seeing that, she IS an alcoholic, for a long time, and that is a form of enabling. The alcohol is what she chooses as a way of avoiding dealing with her pain. ...I love my child but I have had to get real about where she is at, or I am just a part of the problem...
until she deals with that reality and seeks help , nothing will change...
I know how hard this is, for you to watch, and especially when there are babies in the mix...
What can you do as a parent to help her?
get informed,
What can you do to help you? read the stickies at the top of this page, go to Al-anon, there are people there who are going through what you are going through, there you can get the support and tools you need....
post here lots
and remember, tho you may feel it on some level, you didn't cause it, you can control it and you can't fix it, it is hers alone to figure out.
Glad you found us, Dainty..
hugs, grateful
Last edited by grateful2b; 06-25-2008 at 06:58 AM.
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