I need reminders and strength.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
(((((((((Lexus)))))))))
As difficult as it may be right now with your son, try to think of this: you have planted seeds in his head. He may not even realize it yet, but you have given him things to think about that he hasn't before. Those thoughts will stay -- even if he doesn't get it all right now.
I hope that he will begin to think for himself more when he is away at college. Time and distance from his father and the cult-like church may be enough for him to grow into his own person. His dad can't take a cell phone away from him in California, right?
You are doing everything you can right now for him, and I'm glad he has you in his life again.
As difficult as it may be right now with your son, try to think of this: you have planted seeds in his head. He may not even realize it yet, but you have given him things to think about that he hasn't before. Those thoughts will stay -- even if he doesn't get it all right now.
I hope that he will begin to think for himself more when he is away at college. Time and distance from his father and the cult-like church may be enough for him to grow into his own person. His dad can't take a cell phone away from him in California, right?
You are doing everything you can right now for him, and I'm glad he has you in his life again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by CarolD 
Hmm...
In my world....ex means ex
as in excluded from my life.
Write him a letter...then burn it.
In my world....ex means ex
as in excluded from my life.
Write him a letter...then burn it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
My experience with active alcoholics is they know my vulnerable spots. When I open up and share the things that mean the most to me, I am handing them a loaded weapon and asking them to shoot me.
L
L
play the tape all the way thru
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by itisatruth
(((((((((Lexus)))))))))
As difficult as it may be right now with your son, try to think of this: you have planted seeds in his head. He may not even realize it yet, but you have given him things to think about that he hasn't before. Those thoughts will stay -- even if he doesn't get it all right now.
I hope that he will begin to think for himself more when he is away at college. Time and distance from his father and the cult-like church may be enough for him to grow into his own person. His dad can't take a cell phone away from him in California, right?
You are doing everything you can right now for him, and I'm glad he has you in his life again.
As difficult as it may be right now with your son, try to think of this: you have planted seeds in his head. He may not even realize it yet, but you have given him things to think about that he hasn't before. Those thoughts will stay -- even if he doesn't get it all right now.
I hope that he will begin to think for himself more when he is away at college. Time and distance from his father and the cult-like church may be enough for him to grow into his own person. His dad can't take a cell phone away from him in California, right?
You are doing everything you can right now for him, and I'm glad he has you in his life again.
He graduates next year. But I guess I don't want to see him leave as I just came into his life.
He just txted me so I know he is ok. He said he wants to come to my house so bad. I feel so bad for him. He's so lost and I'm still unsure why he is not speaking up regarding his independence in becoming an adult. Maybe it's fear and insecurity?
play the tape all the way thru
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by peaceteach
If you can be just a little patient for a little while longer, Lex, he will be off to college within the next year or two, right? I envision him feeling much more free to talk and communicate with you when he has a chance to start running his own life without interference. Meanwhile, take the interim time to continue to work on yourself, your new home, your new job, and your new "Lex" life. Your own healing may take a year or two, having experienced all that you have. Make your place a place of peace and joy, and love for you. Your son will love visiting YOU in that place. Motherhood never ends, trust me-lol! I thought for sure it was so over when my daughter went off to college, I actually went into mourning. It didn't end at all and continues to be so fun and interesting with young adults. There is just so much more to look forward to in your life, Lex, with your son. Finish mourning the past, and then take it from today forward. Time will be such a healing factor.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
The line is open between you and that is a HUGE step. He wants to be a part of your life too but he's scared of what will happen. I think once he is out from under his father's influence so much that he will be able to contact you more. Try to be patient with him. Give him time to find the courage he needs to stand on his own. He has a LOT going on...graduation, finding his mother again, going to college. It's probably very overwhelming to him. Hang in there. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to not call him constantly. Focus on you, contact him as much as you can (i.e. what he is comfortable with too), and make plans to include him in your life. Hopefully sooner than later he'll be able to find his way back to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
(((((((lex)))))))
you ARE a part of his life. you are more than a PART...
you hit a bad patch of despair here. hang in there.
fwiw: i think you will gain much more ground, feel much more connected to him, if you let go of focusing on creating counterpoint arguments to his father's influence. if it's all or mostly about making suggestions to him about alternative ways to think about his father's behavior or control, then all of your time together becomes about his father. that gives that b-stard way too much power.
the more you connect with your son IN the moment (and i DO understand is that what you fear is continued deprivation of the opportunity for these moments, as has been the case for so long), the less power his father has over YOU. that will translate without question into your son's life, into your relationship with him.
he IS growing up but 17 is still very, very young, especially if one has had a controlling/sheltering parent. he KNOWS you love him. he feels it. he remembers what it was like. 17 year old boys are not typically excited when a parent gives them a cell phone dedicated to calling the parent! congratulations.
go easy on yourself. this is all very new. you feel vulnerable. slips are likely right now but they only need to be slips. it's okay. rest, eat, pray (or is that eat, love, pray? ha ha) and keep it simple.
i think what you are doing is incredible and this is all a miracle of recovery. it's real.
abc
you ARE a part of his life. you are more than a PART...
you hit a bad patch of despair here. hang in there.
fwiw: i think you will gain much more ground, feel much more connected to him, if you let go of focusing on creating counterpoint arguments to his father's influence. if it's all or mostly about making suggestions to him about alternative ways to think about his father's behavior or control, then all of your time together becomes about his father. that gives that b-stard way too much power.
the more you connect with your son IN the moment (and i DO understand is that what you fear is continued deprivation of the opportunity for these moments, as has been the case for so long), the less power his father has over YOU. that will translate without question into your son's life, into your relationship with him.
he IS growing up but 17 is still very, very young, especially if one has had a controlling/sheltering parent. he KNOWS you love him. he feels it. he remembers what it was like. 17 year old boys are not typically excited when a parent gives them a cell phone dedicated to calling the parent! congratulations.
go easy on yourself. this is all very new. you feel vulnerable. slips are likely right now but they only need to be slips. it's okay. rest, eat, pray (or is that eat, love, pray? ha ha) and keep it simple.
i think what you are doing is incredible and this is all a miracle of recovery. it's real.
abc
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