73 yr old mom out of control pls help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2
73 yr old mom out of control pls help
Hi...I am not new to this since I am recovering alcoholic with a long list of family and friends who were and are still alcoholics. but i need some help
I have been sober for over two years now after years of heavy partying. Things got very bad for me and i lost my relationship, my kids and almost my life. I have since married and stopped drinking (my husband and I are both sober) and I have a beautiful baby and another on the way.
enough of me...here is my problem, my mother AND father,
My mom and dad have been alcoholics since i have been a young girl. they have cause me endless amounts of worry, stress, confusion, fear and greif. I have dealt with my father abusing my mother....my mother passing out in turn lanes at stop signs, verbal abuse...embarrasment etc...im sure you all know.
OK....lets skip ahead now years....I am 37 and she is 73. She has been to rehab twice...she had a 6 year stint of sobriety about 15 years ago but after that she decided that she was going to drink again.
she lives 5 hours from me so it is hard to see her everyday life and exactly WHAT is going on but I do know this.....
last summer while vacationing with my children at her place I saw first hand both my mother and father starting there afternoon with a glass of wine and by the end of the night two bottles of wine EACH. (7:30 -8 p.m. for them...) my father had turned into a mean old man and gone to bed and my mother was a sloppy mess who was creeping out the kids with her behavior (trying to open a potato chip bag with pliers...passing out in the chair....mumbling...staggering and swaying and saying ubsurd things)
this went on day after day and i left there disgusted.
the problem that i am having is this....
during the day they call me and they are totally "together" church going...charity raising and doing things around the house.
They want my kids to come up north for the summer and i dont want them to be there without me because i am scared for their well being.
my parents dont seem to understand this.
I sent the kids there last year for a few days and I informed them both to NOT drink for the few days that my kids were there and when my kids got home i heard endless stories of how drunk my parents had gotten.
The last three nights i have called my mom to chat she has been incoherent and in a black out and when i talk to her the next day she doesnt even remember talking to me.
I am getting angrier and angrier at the fact that she spent her whole life being a DRUNK and not caring about me or my brother. she is so far from being a mom to me that it makes me angry and sad. I called her to see if she wanted to go to lunch and the hair salon when she comes to visit and she was so drunk that i didnt even bother asking her.
she has basically NOTHING to do with her grandkids and she is in a drunken haze or hangover almost 100% of the time.
I am angry and i am also worried.
I cant imagine how someone could drink this long and be ok...i cant see how she could live much longer in this condition and my father enables her to drink so that he can drink too.
the whole this is DISGUSTING and I am really sickened by how my mother has lived her life.
does anyone have any suggestions on if i should do anything.
I have tried for years to get her to stop drinking....it just doesnt work...
do i just sit back and watch her die?
:praying
I have been sober for over two years now after years of heavy partying. Things got very bad for me and i lost my relationship, my kids and almost my life. I have since married and stopped drinking (my husband and I are both sober) and I have a beautiful baby and another on the way.
enough of me...here is my problem, my mother AND father,
My mom and dad have been alcoholics since i have been a young girl. they have cause me endless amounts of worry, stress, confusion, fear and greif. I have dealt with my father abusing my mother....my mother passing out in turn lanes at stop signs, verbal abuse...embarrasment etc...im sure you all know.
OK....lets skip ahead now years....I am 37 and she is 73. She has been to rehab twice...she had a 6 year stint of sobriety about 15 years ago but after that she decided that she was going to drink again.
she lives 5 hours from me so it is hard to see her everyday life and exactly WHAT is going on but I do know this.....
last summer while vacationing with my children at her place I saw first hand both my mother and father starting there afternoon with a glass of wine and by the end of the night two bottles of wine EACH. (7:30 -8 p.m. for them...) my father had turned into a mean old man and gone to bed and my mother was a sloppy mess who was creeping out the kids with her behavior (trying to open a potato chip bag with pliers...passing out in the chair....mumbling...staggering and swaying and saying ubsurd things)
this went on day after day and i left there disgusted.
the problem that i am having is this....
during the day they call me and they are totally "together" church going...charity raising and doing things around the house.
They want my kids to come up north for the summer and i dont want them to be there without me because i am scared for their well being.
my parents dont seem to understand this.
I sent the kids there last year for a few days and I informed them both to NOT drink for the few days that my kids were there and when my kids got home i heard endless stories of how drunk my parents had gotten.
The last three nights i have called my mom to chat she has been incoherent and in a black out and when i talk to her the next day she doesnt even remember talking to me.
I am getting angrier and angrier at the fact that she spent her whole life being a DRUNK and not caring about me or my brother. she is so far from being a mom to me that it makes me angry and sad. I called her to see if she wanted to go to lunch and the hair salon when she comes to visit and she was so drunk that i didnt even bother asking her.
she has basically NOTHING to do with her grandkids and she is in a drunken haze or hangover almost 100% of the time.
I am angry and i am also worried.
I cant imagine how someone could drink this long and be ok...i cant see how she could live much longer in this condition and my father enables her to drink so that he can drink too.
the whole this is DISGUSTING and I am really sickened by how my mother has lived her life.
does anyone have any suggestions on if i should do anything.
I have tried for years to get her to stop drinking....it just doesnt work...
do i just sit back and watch her die?
:praying
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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I can only suggest this.
Just as all states have a Child Protection Service, most if not all states have an Adult Protection Service. You sound very concerned and I would suggest you make a call to the office in their area, and ask for a "Welfare Check", tell them whats going on as far as you know and that you would like the "Welfare Check" to be done in the late afternoon if possible.
That will get Social Services involved with their life.
with children of your own I know it's hard, but you might want to try and attend some Alanon meetings. They will help you with your own issues about the situation that has been going on most of if not all of your life.
As to letting your kids visit Gramma and Grandpa...................................NO WAY, not in the condition they are in now.
J M H O
Please keep posting here, let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Just as all states have a Child Protection Service, most if not all states have an Adult Protection Service. You sound very concerned and I would suggest you make a call to the office in their area, and ask for a "Welfare Check", tell them whats going on as far as you know and that you would like the "Welfare Check" to be done in the late afternoon if possible.
That will get Social Services involved with their life.
with children of your own I know it's hard, but you might want to try and attend some Alanon meetings. They will help you with your own issues about the situation that has been going on most of if not all of your life.
As to letting your kids visit Gramma and Grandpa...................................NO WAY, not in the condition they are in now.
J M H O
Please keep posting here, let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Welcome, tommyswife! Congratulations on your sobriety-that is awesome. On this "side of the fence" I have done a lot of reading on codependency, which would be a great place for you to start, particularly as an adult child of an alcoholic. The stickies up top of this forum are from posts that were particularly insightful. One of my favorite books that really helped me was "Codependent NO More" by Melody Beattie. It really helped me to see how affected I was by the drinking of another.
I would absolutely trust my gut on not sending the kids to grandma's house this summer--period. This is a consequence of her behavior and has nothing to do with you being mad at her. For yourself, in order to get through the anger and to the acceptance of your parents, I encourage you to stick around, read others' posts and the stickies, and maybe check out some alanon meetings along with the AA (I'm assuming you are a twelve-stepper?) Like in AA, we as the codependents of the alcoholic realize that we did not cause their addiction, cannot control whatsoever their consumption or choice to get sober, nor can we cure them. They have to really want it for themselves. But we can take steps to keep ourselves out of their drama, and set boundaries to protect ourselves and our children. Glad you have found SR, tommyswife!
I would absolutely trust my gut on not sending the kids to grandma's house this summer--period. This is a consequence of her behavior and has nothing to do with you being mad at her. For yourself, in order to get through the anger and to the acceptance of your parents, I encourage you to stick around, read others' posts and the stickies, and maybe check out some alanon meetings along with the AA (I'm assuming you are a twelve-stepper?) Like in AA, we as the codependents of the alcoholic realize that we did not cause their addiction, cannot control whatsoever their consumption or choice to get sober, nor can we cure them. They have to really want it for themselves. But we can take steps to keep ourselves out of their drama, and set boundaries to protect ourselves and our children. Glad you have found SR, tommyswife!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
As to letting your kids visit Gramma and Grandpa...................................NO WAY, not in the condition they are in now.
When my kids were young, they never spent time alone with my parents because they were both alcoholics and couldn't be trusted to take proper care of my kids. I told my parents this also. They accepted it fairly well surprisingly.
As to what you can do, I'm sorry to say that there isn't much you can do. They are adults who have made their choices. You cannot make them do anything as you already know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2
thanks for the replies....I have racked my brain with worry over my mother and i feel badly for thinking that all i can do is sit back and wait for that "dreaded call" but I really dont know what i can do since I have CONTINUOUSLYfor YEARS tried to get her to stop drinking.
I am angry that she doesnt care enough about herself, her kids and grandkids to WANT to be healthy. I am also mad that she cant stay sober for the few days that i vacation there with my kids so that we dont have to be inflicted with her ugly drunkenness.
i can say that i have given her credit for one thing......
she reminds me every day why i am sober...... because i NEVER wanna be like her.
I am angry that she doesnt care enough about herself, her kids and grandkids to WANT to be healthy. I am also mad that she cant stay sober for the few days that i vacation there with my kids so that we dont have to be inflicted with her ugly drunkenness.
i can say that i have given her credit for one thing......
she reminds me every day why i am sober...... because i NEVER wanna be like her.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
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Welcome to SR Tommy! 
So sorry that you are going through this it is a horrible disease as you know! Congrats on the sober time too!
I agree with Laurie as to calling to have a "Welfare check"
Keeping your children safe is what you need to do and IMHO keeping them close to you right now and setting that boundrie to not allow them to see them would be one I would stick with now.
My nephew is coming to visit me in a week and he wants to see his cousin (My other nephew) who has followed in his fathers footsteps and has become an Alcoholic-and drug addict-Well, the one coming to visit is a great kid and has had his heart broken every time he comes to visit and wants to see his cousin-who never follows through-My brother has told me to please try to keep him from seeing his cousin as he and I both know it is not in My nephews best interest! PHEW ........
It is hard to do things like this however I feel it is in the best interest for the children-
Keep posting and check out some of those stickies!
So sorry that you are going through this it is a horrible disease as you know! Congrats on the sober time too! I agree with Laurie as to calling to have a "Welfare check"
Keeping your children safe is what you need to do and IMHO keeping them close to you right now and setting that boundrie to not allow them to see them would be one I would stick with now.
My nephew is coming to visit me in a week and he wants to see his cousin (My other nephew) who has followed in his fathers footsteps and has become an Alcoholic-and drug addict-Well, the one coming to visit is a great kid and has had his heart broken every time he comes to visit and wants to see his cousin-who never follows through-My brother has told me to please try to keep him from seeing his cousin as he and I both know it is not in My nephews best interest! PHEW ........
It is hard to do things like this however I feel it is in the best interest for the children-
Keep posting and check out some of those stickies!
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