Cassey

I know that I am going to get slammed for what I am about to say, but please bare with me. I HAVE NO INTENTIONS ON STEPPING OVER THE LINE!!!!

I have been friends with someone for over 4 years now, and close friends friends for about two years now, his wife is an alcoholic, just like my DH. He never admitted to me that his wife was an Alcoholic, but as we got to know them, I could see that she was, because I am living with one.

This last year, he has been confiding in me, and I in him, I know that this is a really dangerous situation. I have gone to alanon for years, and I am not new to this site, I just havent been on here in a long time. I am not interested in him in that way, but I am interested in how he talks to me and treats me and confides in me and shares interest in the same things that I like and I have told him this. I have told him that I would never be more than friends with him as he is married and so am I. We have six kids altogether and I would never hurt his kids or my kids. Even if we both decided to get a divorce 5 years down the road, I could never see me being with him.

I like him, I could almost say that I love him as a friend, but I know that it is wrong and that my husband and his wife would not like the fact that we are friends and confide in each other as we do. I would never ever do that to someone elses family or to my family. I already feel that confiding in him is betraying his wife and my husband, but it is so nice to have someone to talk too. Who understands exactly what I am going through.

I have been keeping myself very busy with doing things that I like to do, I have joined a softball team and I am really having fun with that. I ask my husband to come with me and watch and he takes no interest at all. I am hurt by that, my friend knows that I play softball and he shows up to watch me sometimes.

I work events for my son's hockey team and I beg my husband to come with me and of course he never can, and this guys knows that I do this and he has worked with me to support my son's team my husband knows this because I ask him if he would mind, today is my birthday and I asked my husband to come up here and meet me for lunch and of course not, this guy knows it is my birthday and he calls me first thing this morning and said happy birthday and can I take you to lunch.

I am very involved in my kids sports, I help when my son plays baseball, I never miss a pratice or a game, he helps coach both of his kids baseball games.

He plays hockey, my son plays hockey, his daughter plays softball and my daughter plays softball, his daugher was in ballay and my daughter was in ballay.

His wife never goes with him to anything, and my husband never goes with me to anything.

I am so screwed up. If I let go of my best friend, even though he is a guy, I would be so depressed. But I also know that being friends with this guy would upset his wife and I know that it would upset my husband. We all do hang out together on the weekends and his wife and my husband get totally wasted, and we always stay sober and talk while they act stupid.

I know that this is unhealthy for all parties involved, but I am hanging onto something the only something that I think is a real friendship. But than I question myself is it real or is it because we are thrown together with so many situations that are similar we have built this friendship on woulda coulda shouldas.

I hope that I dont offend anyone, believe me I do know the ramifications of a cheating spouse and I do know how bad it hurts because my husband has had an emotional affair that went a little further (kissing) more than once (It killed me). I Swear that I would never do that to another human being as long as I live, and I mean that with all my heart.

I am not having much desire to do anything anymore, It is a chore for me to pick up the house, or exercise, I am continuing to play softball even though I dont want to go anymore, I have alot of fun, but I just dont want to go.

I use to walk my dogs everyday, and I dont want to, I use to bust my butt in my house, and I dont care anymore. I use to keep my house so clean for a long time, and now laundry will back up, clothes make it up the stairs but not put away. I know what I need to do, but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Cassey

I have been asking myself that very question for a very long time, and can come up with that I am just as sick as he is, probably need extensive counseling, which I have already gone to three different counselors, for long periods of time.

I know that I need to work on myself and I will always be a work in action. I know that until I get down to what my problem is nothing will get better, but I wonder when or how long it is going to take me, when is that last boom going hit, and why am I waiting for the last boom to hit from him instead of ending it now. I have so many unanswered questions.

I have read so many self help book, melodie beattie for one has alot of good books, I know the right things to do, but I will be damned if I will do them. I have this need this uncontrolable need for self destruction, and I dont know why. Not physically, I would never hurt myself, that I am aware of, but emotionally I beat myself up and know I deserve better, but dont think that I do. I dont know if any of this makes sense.

The last counselor that I went too, my husband was court ordered to go because of domestic violence charge, at first I liked him going thinking that ahaaaaaaaaaaaa, maybe something will sink in, then I felt violated that he was seeing my counselor and my counselor was agreeing with him an that made me mad and I quit going.

Cassey

With my insurance getting real Psychiatrist is not possible and I think the last two counselors were just a bit off, but you are talking about someone who should be no good judge of character. Maybe they were my godsend and I was too stupid to see it, or I didnt want to hear the truth.

I hope I am still not waiting for someone else to change my life, because I know that is not possible. I know that I dont need him to make me happy, I have been happy with the things that I like to do, but there is always that void I have of someone special to share it with.

Cassey

I really try focusing on me and not making his misery my misery. But sometimes it is really hard to not let it rub off on you and get under your skin, where you feel like telling him to F**** Off.

Then I get to the point where I have heard his Bi**************ng for so long, that I loose it. Than I say to myself dont focus on him, focus on what you are doing!!

Cassey

Thank you all for just listening

Cassey

Today is a bad day for me, I am going shopping after work today and buy myself a birthday present.

Pajarito

Nicely done anvilhead. It took me a very long time to realize that all the interests I tried to engage my STBXAH in were ok for me to like on my own. I thought I was happy with myself, was in counseling for years dealing with my own issues- but one of them was always AH- if only he'd get sober. . . then maybe he'd do X with me. . . Fast forward to now and I realize I was living a very narrow life with a man who just didn't want to be the equal, loving, engaged partner I was hoping he'd be. I couldn't truly enjoy my life, because I was always hoping he'd do what I wanted him to do. He was showing me very clearly that he had no intentions of taking marriage seriously. Today I am getting so much more out of counseling, reading, and al-anon- as well as life. It's not been easy, but I can see some light ahead of me. (((Take care Cassey)))

GiveLove

You sound really unhappy. I'm so sorry.

I could not remain married to someone who I DIDN'T feel this way about (above). Not for a day.

This is what marriage is supposed to be like, remember? Somebody who supports you, and you support him, and you feel like your lives are stronger and richer for it.

You may want to find another counselor and let her/him help YOU work through your feelings here....regardless of your feelings or intentions for this guy, this is a big fat wake-up call from your heart that maybe you're not getting what you need out of your current situation.

And, at the risk of overstepping my bounds here.....Domestic violence? WTF? In what way do you deserve that?

Focus on you, what kind of life you want, what kind of PERSON you want to be. Something in you is crying out to be paid attention to here...

Best of luck,
GL

GiveLove

P.S. Cassey,

2

Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pajarito

Happy birthday Cassey. I really hope you see you can give yourself a gift that doesn't cost a thing- peace.

BBD

Happy Birthday Cassey~~Hope you enjoyed shopping. Sounds like you have a good friend to share with and thats good for the soul...Smiles, Bonnie

Cassey

Thank you for the b-day wishes

tryingtofly

Happy Birthday!
Remember these things:
A marriage isn't 50%/50%...each partner has to give 100%
You can't give 100% if you're not being 100% true to yourself
There's a difference between being alone and being alone.

I know I struggle with all that, I used to try to get my RAH to go to the Farmer's market, berry picking, grocery shopping etc and he would come, but he would be miserable and then I would be miserable cause he was - it ruined the whole experience. Once I stopped begging him to come along and just went on my own he realized he missed doing those things with me and started to come on his own.
That's not to say he now enjoys everything I do. I do clicker training with our dog, Devo and I used to drag him along, I stopped doing that and he no longer comes. At first it was frustrating cause it's hard to juggle all the stuff on my own, but after a couple classes I got the hang of it and was secretly glad he doesn't come anymore cause now I get to do all the 'tricks' just me and Devo
Good luck!

SailorKaren

Happy Birthday!
I'm liking what GL said:
His friendship is a great reflection of the good things you are, and your positive response to him is feedback from your soul about where your deepest desires lay. If it were me, I would give my SO every opportunity to hear what it is that I like, and time to step up and meet me there. I would include counselors and friends, and explore every avenue of communication before throwing in the towel. I don't feel like that courtesy was given to me.

My ex would say, "Karen, I want you to know that I still fully intend to quit smoking, it's just that right now, quack quack quack." And my dear friend in recovery would ask me how long I was willing to wait. And my answer was, not forever, but for now I'll wait and hope. So I set my boundaries, limited my physical contact (the toxins made me choke), let her know it was a problem for me, and worked on finding my peaceful place. Well I see now that her drinking and nicotine addiction had a powerful hold on her, and rather than come back to me with feedback that she was lonely and feeling rejected in the relationship, she let it build up and threw me out the day after Christmas.

I knew I could not live indefinitely with her addiction, but I loved my wife and cared for her deeply. I was hoping she would find a bottom and change. In a way I guess she did -- she recited her list of what was wrong with me and changed partners. I don't know if it would have ended any differently had she come to me and told me how unhappy she was, and could we please get some help to resolve things. I would have gone to counseling with her. But her addiction was the elephant in the room we could hardly talk about; I was never going to able to live with her as a nicotine addict, and it would seem she is unlikely to seek recovery.

It will soon be 6 months of living by myself, and I'm starting to notice some little things people do for me that really mean a lot. Like Scott, who hung back with me, the slow straggler in a bike riding group last week. Everyone else took off faster than I could ride, and he stayed back to guide and encourage me. He didn't have to, and he maybe missed out on a strong workout, but it felt really good to have him care and choose to ride with me. I'm keeping a mental checklist of examples like this, to remind me of how it would feel and look like to have a great partner in my life.

sailorjohn

I try to think of myself as the sum total of everything I've experienced, with maybe a little genetics thrown in. They tell me that we are 'works in progress', I hope I never finish with the job.


Toby Rice Drews makes the observation that many counselors come from alcoholic/dysfunctional backgrounds and will often times give very bad advice to the families of alcoholics/addicts, blaming the family for the alcoholics' problems, never having dealt with their own codependency issues.

Bernadette

Happy Birthday to you Cassey!

You don't need to apologize to us! You are feeling pretty guilty eh? :-) I would imagine that collectively the folks on this board have seen everything.

You are walking a fine line, and you know it, because you keep saying well i've gone this far- but no farther. I'd do this, but not this. etc. But the guy shows up at YOUR softball games and YOUR son's hockey events... hmmmmm.
Sounds like this friend has awoken something in you that has been dormant for a long time.

I gotta agree w/ anvil here:
...maybe the reason why somebody else has sparked your interest and captivated your thoughts a bit needs to be acknowledged more - that there IS more to life than you are allowing yourself today..........right now it's like you've been in the "jail cell" so long you failed to notice the door has been unlocked and all ya gotta do is push it open...

That's plum brilliant.

And please remember divorce does not ruin families!! Parents who fight and cannot be civil and good role models ruin families, whether they are married or divorced. I am happily divorced, my kids are normal, and I told them when the split happened that yes it sux but it is not the worst thing that could happen to us. We are a healthy, loving, grateful, happy, kooky family (and that includes my SO, and my Ex- and his new wife (we call each other "my step-wife!!") - and their daughter.)

Go ahead and imagine all the possibilities for your life! You subconscious obviously has been.

Peace,
B.

solost

I'm new to this whole in love with an addict thing and I'm to the point where it is hard for me to trust my own choices let alone have the balls to offer another advice. But even in the midst of my confusion I do hold onto certain truths within me.

One of those being that people telling you what need to hear are just a bandaid on a wound that needs stiches. You are bleeding from your soul, as I guess we all are when you love someone so much and that love it isn't returned in the way you need or want it to. You and your friend have become a surrogate of affection for each other. What your spouses can't give you both, you receive from each other. That in itself is addicting and takes into you into a space where there is a measure of comfort in a world of confusion.

The hardest concept I've had to understand through all the posts i've been through on this site is to put myself first. To heal me. But to heal me i've had to face hard truths about myself. Foremost in my truth; I am copendent with a victim personality and a martyr complex. I have a need to save others while bearing the weight of their suffering and putting myself last. That has been my bandaid throughout my entire life. But i finally realize that by letting myself bleed I am cleansing myself. Letting it all pour out. I need to be truly empty before I can begin filling myself in healthy ways. But that's just me and my truth. Your truth might be on a different yet equally complicated path, but ultimately no matter what anyone says or does for you, you are the one who has to make the decisions.

abcdefg

Hi, Cassey.

I hope your day is going better and happy belated birthday.

First let me say your post does not offend me. I applaud your honesty. It's always a first move toward recovery.

I just wanted to offer an observation that may sound harsh. Please take what you like and leave the rest.


You already ARE doing that to another human being. Your description of this relationship is the very definition of an emotional affair. I hear you that you haven't crossed a physical line -- but it almost sounds like that's how you are justifying this behavior that, in your own value system, is truly harmful.

I don't judge you for it. It's just what jumped out at me from your post.

abc

Cassey

I have decided to tell my best friend that we can still be friends, but it has to be different, because of our families.

Even though I know that I would never be interested in him other than friends, he is not my type at all, not that he is bad looking or anything, I would just not want to ever date him for alot of reasons.

But abcdefg posts really hit home to me I thank you for that.

Because I meant exactly what I said about not wanting to hurt his family or my family. He should be talking to his wife, and I should be talking to my husband.

But I have decided talking to my H gets me no where, and I was okay with it, because I had someone else to talk too and listen and share and have the same interests and it was nice and I have fun. What I should do is find a female friend that I can share with.

And this is was one of the things Alanon was very good for, I could talk and listen and everyone there knows exactly what I am going through.

My friends should be friends, positive things, happy things, not a realtionship built on sorrows, because that gets old and also becomes another unhealthy relationship.

I have to set some guidlines for myself, and stick to them, especially when I get upset and he would be the first one I would call. yikkkkkkesssssssssssssss

Maybe I can find a sponsor at a meeting that will listen to my hopeless need of needing to talk sometimes for too long, just to get it out. Writing doesnt help me, I have tried, but coming here did help me in the past.