SugarLily

In precisely 15 minutes my ex will be sat at the police station to find out if he will be charged for anything after I called the police last month.

I know he did wrong, and I did right by calling the police but I still feel bad.

i4getsm

:codiepolice

I am placing you under codie arrest...I know you want to help him, but his actions have consequences. He's an adult. He can deal with it. I know that's hard to deal with because we are so used to getting them out of trouble. (((HUGS))) Let us know how it goes.

CatsPajamas

It's really REALLY hard for some of us card-carrying-codies to finally let go. It took me some time to realize that I really didn't have the power in the first place, but STILL I had to convince myself to let go...

i4get is right - adult choices and actions = adult consequences. It's OUR job to get out of the way and allow that direct line of communication between higher power and that other person.

And I've been there, I've done that with the calling of the police and waiting to find out the other person's consequences... and I felt really conflicted and sad and scared.

lilkim

I know but try not to feel bad. We raise our children to take the blame when they have done wrong. Our addicts have to also. It seems silly to feel bad when you haven't done anything wrong. But I think we get used to lying and covering for them that when we stop we feel disloyal.

Barbara52

I suspect a great deal of the negative feelings about it come from years of covering for him in one way or another, years of trying to take responsibility on as your when it wasn't and so on. Its a sign of what areas you may want to work on so that you can let go.

SugarLily

Thank you for the responses. You are right - he is an adult and only he is responsible for his actions. I guess that night I could have just let him in, swept it under the rug so to speak but I was scared. And I had reason to be.

I wish I didn't have to be in touch with him, but I do at least until the house is 'gone'. Maybe I'm stupid, I guess I am but I called him at 7pm to ask what had happened and he was still sat in the station. It's now 8.30pm here - 3 and a half hours after he was supposed to have been seen to and I'm none the wiser.

I just wish this feeling of guilt would go away, perhaps I could have handled it differently? But at the time - calling the police for me; was the right thing to do.

lilkim

If you feel that calling the police was what you had to do. Then you did the right thing. I have called them many times on my ex addict bf. Put him in jail a few times. You know that fool came home every time.

SugarLily

Thanks lilkim. If you don't mind me asking; how long ago did you split from the ex? Are you 'over' it now?

I heard from him at 10pm, he was let off with a caution and a 5 year criminal record. He is employed at the moment but if he seeks a new job in the future then this can really affect him. I was feeling bad but got a good message from my friend that was helpful. She sent me:

"Stop taking the blame for everything! It was "...." who got drunk, and stole your car, and smashed your door in, and has done things time and time again - NOT U! He's got to take punishment for the things he does or else he'll never learn and get even worse. Just think of all the stuff he's got away with. It might not be nice but thats his own fault!"

bookwyrm

Your friend sounds great! Right on the money - she's a keeper!

Hang in there....:ghug

barb dwyer

'codie arrest' ... *g* I like that.

lilkim

My ex and I were together 8 years. We've been apart 5 months. I still see him but he knows don't come around if he's not sober. Sober he's great. using he's a nightmare. I'm a little woman 4'11 and he's 6'3, 250. I can't control him when he's using and I won't even try. He loves me the best he can. It's just not enough for me.

MsPINKAcres

Serve an eviction notice on "Mr Nasty Guilt Monster"

there is a difference between realistic guilt and unrealistic guilt -

Is there really anything that YOU did that caused him to take these actions? to be in this situation? to suffer the consequences of his behaviors?
No because
We didn't cause it
We can't cure it
We can't control it

Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster - please vacant the premises!!!!!!

and keep taking good care of you, SugarLily - You Deserve it!