Bookworm88

Well I had the talk I have been dreading with my AH last night. I was honest about my feelings and told him that I don’t want to leave our marriage right now but I can’t guarantee that won’t change if things stay the way they are. He was sober so he took it all pretty well but seemed surprised that I feel this strongly about his drinking. I told him that I would no longer pretend that it doesn’t bother me and to expect that he will see changes in me.

AH says he knows he has a problem with alcohol but still has the mindset that he just needs to cut back. He thinks if he only drinks a 6 pack on Friday and Saturday nights that all will be fine. Unfortunately he has tried to do this before and it never works.

I informed him that I will be doing things for me (focusing on my needs) which includes setting boundaries. For example I don’t like to be around him while he is drinking so I will be going to another room or leaving the house when necessary.

At the end of our conversation he seemed more depressed than before. I have suspected for a long time that he is depressed and have urged him to seek counseling for it, but he is resistant to all forms of counseling. It goes back to his trust issues.

So now I work on me and wait to see what happens next…

sunshine321

Ahhh, I love the "controlled drinking" speech. I've heard that before too! It cannot not work if they are truly alcoholic. It sounds like he still need to do research because he's not convinced that he is powerless yet.

But it also sounds like you made it clear how you are proceeding with your life. Good for you!

Jenny

Barbara52

(hugs) Good for you! I hope life improves for you and your AH.

FormerDoormat

When I worked on me, good things happened.

stillsearching

I have had this same conversation with my AH several times, he even stated the same as yours did, He was SHOCKED that it was such a issue...huh?? It is when he makes statements like that when I realize how crazy this whole thing is. He too tries to be nice and "cut" back, but always, always. goes back. I too have decided to work on myself and get out of this mess, it can really mess with a persons sanity and mind. I have been putting out resumes and such so I can at least have some money of my own coming in before I get out. Best of luck to you....

Bookworm88

Well tonight has been really uncomfortable for me. AH is sober but is in a bad mood. He has only said about a dozen words to me since we both got home from work. I am pretty sure he is stewing over our discussion last night. I am trying not to let his mood effect me but it is anyway. I know I should not feel guilty about my true feelings but I do. How can I get beyond this...any ideas?

prodigal

If I was a gambler, I'd bet the farm that his "stewing" has a heckuva lot more to do with his new-found "sobriety" than the conversation you had last night.

prodigal

As far as getting beyond his pouting or foul mood, that takes time. Allowing his moods to affect you has been going on for a long time; it won't stop overnight. I started going out and doing things by myself. I also started to realize that I didn't mind my own company at all. I find myself rather amusing! I went through countless mood swings and mood cycles with my AH before I finally decided I was driving myself nuts getting on the same ride with him.

I finally quit reacting to him. I don't care how he behaves any longer; it doesn't dictate my feelings. Detach, detach, detach. I practiced doing it for about two years and it came in stages.

If my AH gets in a real snit, which is quite rare anymore, I have boundaries in place. Sure, he can cross them, but if he does, I'm outta the house. Sometimes I'm gone for an entire weekend. Sometimes just the day. The less reaction he got from me, the more he escalated. The more he escalated, the more I detached. He finally figured out that what he was doing was an exercise in futility.

I put all my energies and focus on me and not the dead-end relationship. It worked.

Bookworm88

Thanks Prodigal. I think I have done a pretty good job of not reacting to him but inside I am in turmoil. This is all so new I am not very good at detaching yet. I have been in a different room than him for most of the evening. This helps me to not react to him.

I do like my own company but I prefer it when he isn't in the house with me. I am so looking forward to this weekend because he will be gone from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. I can't wait to be alone because my stress level is so much lower.

PHIZ007

This is all so new I am not very good at detaching yet

yep thats right it is all new and it does take time....practice and you will see that it really does work if you work with it. Lets face it you didn't get where you are today over night and it will take time to change to learn new behaviours.

I found the whole detaching thing very very difficult, but it really is working now for me and I am getting better and better at at along the way. I still find it difficult some das are harder than others but as many have said on posts above once I started working on myself good things happened.

It is truly amazing how once we change our own behaviours lots of good things can come from it. It is not an easy journey....but easier than the journey you have been doing I can guarantee it!

I wish you the best and look forward to hearing your progress.

All the best PHIZ :0)

Bookworm88

I am so angry!! Last night AH was sober (third night in a row) and he brought up our conversation about his drinking. We had a calm discussion and I felt like we were making the first step in repairing our marriage…I actually felt hopeful. Then later AH wanted to have sex and I said I didn’t feel like it. There was an immediate shift in his mood. I could feel the tension. After some time passed I said something about pissing him off when I said no to sex. Then he says “it was the way you said it, like it was repulsive to even think about it.” I started to say something and he interrupted me with “I don’t want to get into it!” So I dropped the subject and tried to go to sleep. I was so angry that I had a hard time falling asleep. I am still angry today.

It is like he thought if he was nice to me for a few hours I would just be thrilled to jump into bed with him. Then he wouldn’t even let me have my say about it, he just cut me off. He must be stupid if he thinks this kind of thing makes me want to be with him.

I think what I did wrong was comment on his attitude. I should have just said nothing and let him be pissed off (detach). I thought if we discussed it like adults that we could work things out but I was wrong again.

bookwyrm

Don't be so hard on yourself! As you said before, detaching takes time and isn't easy.:ghug