Blondie

I had a dream last night. I was talking to my AH in the preacher‘s office at our church. Well, it was the man my AH used to be years ago before his drinking took over his life. He was wearing his nicest suit, but was very sad and crying. I told him everything I wanted to tell him, but never had the nerve to. As I talked to him, he started to fade away. It wasn’t what I was saying to him that was causing it (I realized somehow), but it was just something that was happening that had nothing to do with me. I finished talking and within a few minutes he was totally gone. I felt a deep sense of loss and grief as if he had died. When I woke up I realized that the suit he was wearing in the dream was the one he would probably be buried in. I then realized what the dream meant. Even though my AH is still very much alive, the man he once was is gone and will never return. In a sense, that person had died. I felt myself crying and mourning his loss. I realized that the man that me and my kids see only on weekends (he goes to work at 6 am and goes out drinking after work every night until midnight, and we only see him for about five hours on Saturday and Sunday morning before he's off to the bar) is just a “ghost” who lives in a world of his own. He can only understand things in his “ghostly” world, but cannot seem to grasp or care about our world and our lives. Suddenly I felt a sense of calm and peace come over me. I felt free for some reason. I felt free to be myself and I realized that I liked being by myself because I actually liked myself. I had not felt that way in a long time. I don’t feel a sense of bitterness anymore, just a feeling of acceptance. Could it be that I have finally arrived at my final stages of grief? I think it is.

geees poncho

Blondie.
Just hold on to that feeling.

Barbara52

Sounds like your subconscious is working very hard to tell you things. In this case, I think I would listen to that dream.

Lilyflower

Hi Blondie,

Yes, I think so, possibly also in your heart you have begun acceptance of your reality

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx

Bernadette

Wow - very cool how your subconscious was speaking to you!

Rella927

Amazing how when we begin to take care of ourselves how everything can become more clear to us- even in a dream!

Hold on to that positive attitude! It is wonderful yes!?

FormerDoormat

Do you also feel like you've faded away over the years? Like you got lost in his problems? That if you don't save yourself that you might cease to exist?

I've found that dreams are usually subconscious feelings I have about myself that are trying to surface. The other characters in my dream usually represent me.

This dream may not have been about your husband at all. It may have been about you. Something to ponder.

Lilyflower

Ooooh, insightful FD, or should I call you Ms Freud???

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Blondie

No, I haven't faded away over the years, quite the opposite really. About five years ago I was lost in his problems and felt I was going crazy. But, I really started to wake up after counseling and attending al-anon meetings and reading a lot of posts here (let's me know that I'm not alone and that a lot of people are experiencing and feeling the same things I am. I feel more myself now then in a long time. It is important to take care of yourself and get the help that you need.

Thanks for replying everyone. You know, this is the first dream I ever wrote down. I think I should write them down from now on, as soon as I wake up. You are right, my subconsious is trying to tell me something, and I need to listen.