rock-hardplace

Last year my husband's alcoholism went full-tilt (up until then, I was only aware of it sporadically and therefore didn't realize it was as bad as it actually was). I spent the entire year begging, yelling (quietly, we have a small daughter), getting angry, scared, crying, then completely shutting down emotionally. I threatened to leave. I took my daughter and left for a few days here and there. I gave up. I had hope. I gave up again. He disappeared for a night three times and I'm pretty sure he cheated on me at least once during those nights although I don't care to know for sure and sure as heck he ain't going to tell me.

Essentially, I made myself crazy. Our marriage was a mess though we remained polite. He never raised a hand to me, rarely raised his voice. He was a blackout drunk nearly every night, so fairly harmless. But not fun, as you know. He mentioned suicide several times.

Luckily, his work found out about his problem (and were surprised because he was a totally functioning alcoholic) and sent him to rehab for two months, where he was told had he not come in, he would have been dead within the year (that's what happens when you down a 26er straight in about five minutes flat). After rehab, he made it two more months before a huge relapse that scared the hell out of me (Merry Christmas!). But he called his rehab friends, he got himself straightened out. Sort of.

I started the year with a new outlook. This year was going to involve no more fretting about him, no more making myself crazy. It was going to be the Year of ME. I saw my role in a lot of our issues. I realized that I could only control myself and my reactions. I didn't want to react anymore. I read a couple awesome self-help books that completely changed my outlook on life and I found happiness and joy on a near-daily basis regardless of what he was doing. And I noticed that he noticed and wanted to try and change with me.

So. He's been drinking every weekend. I let him do his thing (he never does it in the house, he hides in the garage, but I can generally tell the minute he walks in the door of our VERY SMALL HOUSE) and don't ridicule, judge, condone, react. I continue on living and if he starts to get belligerent (on the rare occasion), I leave the room (can't very well leave with a 4-year old sleeping). Nothing he says gets to me (other than that initial first twinge but even that is starting to dissipate). I feel emotionally healthy and know that whatever happens with him, I will be okay.

The drama had ended. There were no more fights or senseless arguments mainly due to the fact that I don't rise up to the challenge or try to 'fix' him anymore. I encourage him to work his program but if he chooses to slip up, nothing I can do about it. Thursday night he was pretty mad at himself for drinking right after his meeting and therefore took it out on me (received a couple 'f' bombs which are always nice - not), but I just kept my mouth shut, left the room, he followed me, but eventually it's no fun arguing with yourself and he finally shut up and went to sleep. It does get hard sometimes not to rise to his challenges but it is getting easier.

He talks the talk - he really wants to quit. He can't control it. Yadda yadda yadda. He goes to two meetings a week, his monitor once a week, but he doesn't like the meetings and I believe that he's just hoping it will all just go away one day. I see the insanity and I stay out of those kinds of discussions. I feel bad for him - not so bad that I try and do anything for him, I just realize that it must suck to be in his situation. And I do love him. I think. :-)

But after 10 days sober (longest in months) yet the last 3 days of drinking, I threatened something that I shouldn't have just because I let the frustration and annoyance rise up and didn't stop it in time. We had such a great 10 days then he had to go and screw it up again. I caught myself fairly quickly and apologized but of course, the damage had been done and he went on and on and on about the threat and how could I say such a thing. I then said 'after all the crap you've put me through and I'm still here supporting you and loving you, I'd think you could put up with a minor screw-up on my part". Then I inwardly cringed because I was doing it again - creating senseless drama. I eventually shut up and took my daughter for a bike ride. Asked if he wanted to come but he preferred to sit and feel sorry for himself. So be it.

He's sick. I know that. He's not a bad person - he's not violent, he loves us in his own warped way. We have good weeks and he still participates in family stuff on weekends (then drinks after if the need arises). He's good with our daughter. He seems to really want to get better and he has come a LONG way over last year BUT he's still drinking so we all know where that's going to lead if he doesn't nip it in the bud.

Right now, he's out sleeping in the garage (on his own accord) and I enjoy the peace. It's much less work when his semi-drunken self is not around, forcing me to keep myself in check (though it's all spiritual practice, right?). So I'm trying to go easy on myself, get past this 'slip up' and do better next time. Dang, I was doing so well.

So I'm more frustrated with myself than with him but then I just feel that I can't be blamed for getting annoyed with this situation at times. We all have moments of weakness, don't we? I want a normal relationship with someone who is not mentally unstable nor unreliable and who really wants to grow and learn as I have. He seems to want to but the motivation isn't quite there yet. It may never be. And what right do I have to say how long his 'recovery' should take? And then I remind myself that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, that I like my house, my child is in a good preschool, I only have to work part-time so I can be with her, that I've got it pretty good other than his weekend binges and even those aren't as bad as they used to be.

So I'm choosing to stay with him for now therefore I have to accept him AS HE IS, as hard as that it sometimes. I don't want to react to these episodes again because I KNOW there will be more. And even though tonight my head was telling me that I should just leave, that this is ridiculous blah blah blah, my spirit isn't ready yet. If and when I leave, I want it to be peaceful and not out of any sort of reaction to something he has done/hasn't done. I feel that I will just KNOW one day that it is time to go.

Sorry, this is kinda of rambling. And yes, I've been going to Al-Anon for the last several weeks. I know where I have to be mentally, I just kinda screwed up tonight. I can only blame myself yet that little part of me REALLY wants to blame him for it all!

And if you've made it this far, thanks for listening!

Daisy30

It sounds like you are doing great! Remember to be gentle with yourself.

Also, I can relate very much to your story

baileyboop

I can relate to yours also. Big hugs to you!!

ToughChoices

Thank you for this post.

You're right - we aren't in charge of their drinking, and we're not in charge of their recovery either.

If we want to stay during the difficult recovery process, then we are responsible for developing our own spiritually healthy ways of coping with that process.

It's so easy to slip back into the blame game, to speak in haste and anger and live a frustrated and anxious life.

This post was exactly what I needed today - I appreciate this reminder.

-TC

Bernadette

Hiya rock--
Thanks for your post - sounds like you've made some great progress in your own recovery!

Just remember as your daughter gets older that this dynamic of family life is what she is learning. (Dad drinks in the garage and passes out at night). Right now, at age 4, if you guys aren't screaming and yelling then it is relatively easy to shield your child from the reality of her dad's addiction. But in the next couple of years she will start noticing and commenting on things on her own. If you all think it is pretty well hidden, that's a dangerous thing, cuz it's not! Even if she doesn't comment on it, she is living that dynamic and learning what's acceptable and expected in an adult relationship.

I always just like to encourage the sober parent to call it what it is: Alcoholism, and make books and information available to the children of the alcoholic. It can spare the child a lot more hurt for them to be on the REALITY page instead of the DENIAL page. Cuz it's gonna hurt, no way around that, but if the child is being met with the truth they handle that way better than whatever they are imagining is the problem.

Unfortunately, in alcoholic families secretiveness and shame are like the bread and butter of daily life. This can have a life long impact on the children of alcoholics. You may never ask them not to tell people or not to talk about it - they just pick up on the cues around them.

Hindsight is an exact science - and when I look back on my childhood I just wish Mom had talked to us honestly (I mean we KNEW what we were seeing) but she just wouldn't talk to us about it and didn't want to hear anything from us about my father's alcoholism, even as she used us as part of her enabling behavior. We witnessed some pretty dramatic and ugly things as kids...pretty damaging all in all, but they would have been much less damaging if someone around us had been dealing in REALITY.

So keep up the good work on your recovery - and plan ahead for when dear daughter starts understanding more of her world!

Peace,
B.

rock-hardplace

Thanks for everyone's support - it means a lot to me. I hid these issues for so long until everything came tumbling out of the bag and he went to rehab. So I'm kinda thankful that all happened because I no longer live in secrecy or fear. And I found this amazing place, plus I opened up to his family who had been estranged for years (due to my husband wanting nothing to do with them and me supporting him in that insane request, not realizing how deep his issues were at that point). Now we're all super close and I plan on keeping it that way. Thank God none of them held a grudge. They've been very supportive to both of us.

I feel much better today (actually, I felt much better after writing the post - love it when that happens). Yes, I heard the same broken record this morning that I hear every time but my frustration and anger was gone. I just grinned and nodded because it is a little like listening to a crazy person and how do you talk sense to a crazy person? You don't. Nothing changes if nothing changes! Actions speak louder than words! ;-)

And I am very aware of any effects this may have on my child. I grew up in a volatile household (father wasn't an alcoholic but had all the -isms and was verbally and sometimes physically abusive) and it was my mother that kept me grounded, especially since I was stubborn as hell and stood up to him more than I should have, ultimately making things worse for myself. Sure, her and I had our moments but I always knew her heart was in the right place and she was always open and honest with me about everything (sometimes too much!). I will do the same for my daughter.

99% of the time, he waits until she's in bed, so she has no idea. And we never yell or scream at each other, although sometimes we are short with each other (though now that I'm avoiding the drama, it tends not to escalate to that point). And we do a lot of family things together (both us as a family and extended family gatherings) and she's crazy about her Dad. But ultimately, I won't do this forever. If it progresses, if he doesn't find sobriety in the near future, I will not have her grow up like I did. I know that in my heart of hearts. And I will explain to her about her father once she's old enough to understand.

But I don't fret about the future, I refuse to dwell on the past, and I just focus on today and man, if that hasn't made life a helluva lot easier for me!

SailorKaren

I'm really inspired by the level of work you are doing. Nice going! You are positioning yourself perfectly for the possibility of his recovery, and taking great care of yourself in the meantime. I was reminded by my friend last night of the Buddhist concept that the essence of all things is change, and suffering occurs when change is not accepted. His behavior may change, and your feelings may change, and that is OK. You are living life in the now, and I for one am moved by your example. Please keep us updated on your progress.

Karen