Daisy30

Ok it has been a while since I have posted. I have been going to meetings They are wonderful.

I have a situation I really need to reason out. Any thoughts are welcome

I am not sure where to begin....Let me start at about a week ago.... Ah Had a bad night. He was drunk when he came home from his "meeting" he did some embarassing things and then passed out. He awoke in the morning left me a Mother's day card on my pillow and then left the house.

He called about 2 hours later and said he was at a meeting and he had hit bottom. He said he and his sponsor thought it would be best if he spent the day together (This is his 3rd sposor). I said fine I understand you do what you need to do.

When I got home later that day I noticed he had a lighter next to his wallet. Ah doesn't smoke?? I asked him about it and he said he found when he cleaned his car. Oh

So this whole week I could tell nothing had changed. It seemed he wasn't drinking as much ...but I could still tell that he had been drinking. He was suppose to only be going to meetings his sposor was at. He was also suppose to turn all the finances over to me (which he has not done).

Fast FWD to last night. I was still wondering about that lighter and how it mysteriously disapeared after I brought it up.....and the fact that he didn't clean his car out.

So I did what I haven't done in a long time....I went looking for stuff. I searched his car wondering what I would find. well I found just what he was doing with the lighter and I also found some beer and a lot of cash. Man it hit me like a ton of bricks! I can't believe it has got this bad. I could bearly talk to him today.

I have been sitting on this information not knowing what to do. Last night I almost called his mom to tell her. I just don't know what to do???Do I confront him? Do I let go and let God? man...any input would really help

Spiritual Seeker

I don't understand why you want to call his mom...what for? To tell on AH or because she'd be a good support system for you??
What Addicts do...they lie. They spend all the money.
You better get your finances in order and shut down any access to money that he has.
Sorry you are in this situation.
Sounds like it is time to determine your boundaries and what you are willing to accept.

Daisy30

I guess I just feel like the bottom fell out KWIM?

I guess the reason I wanted to call his mom is because she is the one person he doesn't want to disappoint and she thinks he is sober now....... I dunno I am glad I waited on it and didn't call. She is an ACOA and maybe I thought she would be sympathetic to me....

He actually has acess to all the finances. We have seperate checking/savings accounts and it is through his that all the bills are paid.....WOW When I asked him when he was goingto give me the information so I could pay the bills etc... he said I must have misunderstood him that he meant he would give me tha cash from his wallet evertime he left the house (so he wouldn't be tempted)
Man I had to keep my trap shut about the $$ I saw in his car. I did tell him that he still has a debit/credit cards and a check book so giving me the cash doesn't really solve anything.....

ETA I also found information about a new email account he had opened....what is going on?

Serenity8

Daisy, you know you need to step back and detach and let him fall to his bottom. That is why you asked us to speak al-anon to you, right? Get yourself to a meeting.

Oh, and everytime I've tried to talk to my MIL about my husband's drug issues she goes deep into denial mode and turns it around and tells me that he does this because of ME; that I put too much pressure on him. Soooo, I don't know your MIL but if she is anything like mine, you are going to just be MORE frustrated.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. ((hugs)) to you.

baileyboop

Definite hugs to you. Been there and done that one too. Just know that if and when you confront him, he is more than likely gonna lie to you about all that you found. This could def. start of vicious cycle of you trying digging to find the truth more and more. This is exactly what I did. The downfall of this is, I got to where all I focused on was on what HE was doing and nothing else. I probably became as out of control in the end as he was.

My advice is sit down and think about what you are willing to accept...determine what you are not willing to accept. Then act on it. It truly becomes insane for you as well. I send you BIG BIG hugs, cause I can really relate to how you're feeling right now. Take care.

Barbara52

Daisy, Sorry its gotten worse. Perhaps its time to give some thought to just what you want and need to have the future you want for yourself?

Kindeyes

Daisy
You're in tough spot......but it's up to you what you want to do about it. I'm glad to hear that you didn't call his mother, it sounds like your motive was primarily tattling ("his mother is the one person he doesn't want to disappoint"). It will not help you or her.

Going to AA and being in recovery means not drinking at all. Not just cutting down. An alcoholic can't just cut down. If the lighter was for smoking pot or any other illegal drug that requires a lighter, he is probably multiply addicted (drugs and alcohol). Bottom line is.......he is currently in active addiction. Thus the lies, the hiding, all of the behaviors typical of a person in active addiction.

So.....what do you do? You decide what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior to you. You lay out your bottom lines to him and stick by them.

My recovery (thru Alanon) and my son's recovery (thru AA and treatment) belong to us as individuals. Not to us as mother and son. My son put it best when he said that recovery is a very selfish process. A person has to put themselves first at all times. It doesn't matter what anybody else is doing.......just what "you" are doing.

Good luck and gentle hugs.

Daisy30

I am so thankful for all of you!!

You told me just what I NEEDED to hear! Thank you so much!

Sometimes you just need someone to tell you what you already know.

I think that is why I haven't even confronted him about it.....I know he'll just lie so what's the point.

I truely do not want to get back into that cycle of searching etc. I am stepping back

You have given me so much to think about... I can go back to working on me