Need your help today
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Need your help today
Hi all,
I really need your help. i guess i am stuck in a cycle of feeling sorry for myself. Too much to get into but you can read my other posts for some clarification. Found out that the XABF's sister is not who I thought she was. She has resorted to being chummy partying buddies with the x's AGF. This is none of my business of course but I am very upset and bothered by things that she has said to me "I love you to death...you know that" "you are family" "she isnt good for my brother" "she is a total enabler" Blah blah.
I have been trying my best for three years to keep my feelings for her brother seperate from "our" relationship, frindship etc...Now I am finding out that she has just been telling me what she thinks i want to hear while going around and hanging out with her brother's gf and what really gets me is that the x and gf live mere blocks from me and she goes over there all the time and doesn't call me or stop over. She has a 13 year old daughter and I have always been called "Aunt Michelle".
I have been staying in the child's life and its getting too hard now. These people where my family and I find out that just as I was so totally replaceable by her brother I am the same for her! She has known me this long and doesnt even have the guts to tell me the truth to my face about anything. Yeah she knows her brother has a problem so hanging out and partying with them is the way to show him this? Not my problem.
My problem is in my heart right now. I can't even function, have stupid fibromyalgia, need back surgery,etc... and everyone else is just out to have a good time. Never calls to see how I am etc. I only talk to her if I call her or if I go to their house to take the 13 year old for a sleep over etc.
Today I am feeling like a total idiot. I can't get it all out of my head. I have confided in her and spilled my guts to her and she probably just turned around and told everyone how lame I am.
Sorry. I don't know how to get through this. I am so tired of finding things out that people should just have the guts to say to my face. What do I do about the kid? She has known me since birth.
She doesnt even understand anything because nobody told her anything. When the x left I asked his sister "do you think this has affected her in anyway?' And her reply "well...she knows that men leave"..............so I never ever say anything about the situation and I dont think its right to bring a kid into that. All she knows is Uncle Joe's new girlfriend is where aunt michelle used to be???? WTF. I have to cut ties and this is making it so hard.
I am having a really really hard time with this and also with phoney people. Tired of "friends" who find it so easy to move on to something else...
It wouldnt never have taken me this long to get over him leaving me for someone else if I had been given the truth up front and If he had just stayed away from me and didnt move two seconds away from me. It all seems so freakin sick.
I really need your help. i guess i am stuck in a cycle of feeling sorry for myself. Too much to get into but you can read my other posts for some clarification. Found out that the XABF's sister is not who I thought she was. She has resorted to being chummy partying buddies with the x's AGF. This is none of my business of course but I am very upset and bothered by things that she has said to me "I love you to death...you know that" "you are family" "she isnt good for my brother" "she is a total enabler" Blah blah.
I have been trying my best for three years to keep my feelings for her brother seperate from "our" relationship, frindship etc...Now I am finding out that she has just been telling me what she thinks i want to hear while going around and hanging out with her brother's gf and what really gets me is that the x and gf live mere blocks from me and she goes over there all the time and doesn't call me or stop over. She has a 13 year old daughter and I have always been called "Aunt Michelle".
I have been staying in the child's life and its getting too hard now. These people where my family and I find out that just as I was so totally replaceable by her brother I am the same for her! She has known me this long and doesnt even have the guts to tell me the truth to my face about anything. Yeah she knows her brother has a problem so hanging out and partying with them is the way to show him this? Not my problem.
My problem is in my heart right now. I can't even function, have stupid fibromyalgia, need back surgery,etc... and everyone else is just out to have a good time. Never calls to see how I am etc. I only talk to her if I call her or if I go to their house to take the 13 year old for a sleep over etc.
Today I am feeling like a total idiot. I can't get it all out of my head. I have confided in her and spilled my guts to her and she probably just turned around and told everyone how lame I am.
Sorry. I don't know how to get through this. I am so tired of finding things out that people should just have the guts to say to my face. What do I do about the kid? She has known me since birth.
She doesnt even understand anything because nobody told her anything. When the x left I asked his sister "do you think this has affected her in anyway?' And her reply "well...she knows that men leave"..............so I never ever say anything about the situation and I dont think its right to bring a kid into that. All she knows is Uncle Joe's new girlfriend is where aunt michelle used to be???? WTF. I have to cut ties and this is making it so hard.
I am having a really really hard time with this and also with phoney people. Tired of "friends" who find it so easy to move on to something else...
It wouldnt never have taken me this long to get over him leaving me for someone else if I had been given the truth up front and If he had just stayed away from me and didnt move two seconds away from me. It all seems so freakin sick.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
(((Loner)))
Who else do you have in your life that you can "trust"? Do you have siblings, parents nearby? Work mates? Intentional or unintentional, you seem to be sabotaging yourself by continuing the friendships with both the sister and the little girl. Zero contact with the sources of your frustrations will bring zero drama of this "freakin sick" existence you are in. Zero contact would make it possible for YOU to focus on YOURSELF again and what your hopes and dreams are. Any chance that YOU could move away from the lot of them?
Who else do you have in your life that you can "trust"? Do you have siblings, parents nearby? Work mates? Intentional or unintentional, you seem to be sabotaging yourself by continuing the friendships with both the sister and the little girl. Zero contact with the sources of your frustrations will bring zero drama of this "freakin sick" existence you are in. Zero contact would make it possible for YOU to focus on YOURSELF again and what your hopes and dreams are. Any chance that YOU could move away from the lot of them?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
There is no chance I can move away. The situation is one that I live in this house that my dad owns. I am on disability and only work part time. I cant afford groceries let alone a new place to live. I dont want to just drop the 13 year old. How do you do that? "sorry but I am screwed up and can't be in your life anymore ?"
dont even know how to approach this.
I have friends, counselor etc...
dont even know how to approach this.
I have friends, counselor etc...
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Loner,
Sometimes, people turn out to be something different from what we thought they were. This may shock and sadden you right now, what with all the things you have to worry about, but try to think of it this way: this is a reflection on HER, not on you. You are still the same person you always were, with your own values and your own honesty.
As for the child, maybe it would be best to just take some time out from that relationship until you have stabilized your life again and found some serenity in yourself. It will be a change, but it will not be the end of the world to not see her for a little while. You say that nothing happens unless YOU call. Well....take some time for yourself for a while instead of calling.
Take care of YOU. Surround yourself with other people, people who support you and genuinely care for you. Are there any fibromyalgia support groups near you? I have a good friend who's found really good support there. The stresses of dealing with these peoples' madness and drama is NOT helping you get better, in fact it's only going to make you worse.
Can you separate yourself from them, and find good people to take their place? Even if it takes some time to do that, I think it would be so much better for you at this stage of things.
Hugs and strength to you
GL
Sometimes, people turn out to be something different from what we thought they were. This may shock and sadden you right now, what with all the things you have to worry about, but try to think of it this way: this is a reflection on HER, not on you. You are still the same person you always were, with your own values and your own honesty.
As for the child, maybe it would be best to just take some time out from that relationship until you have stabilized your life again and found some serenity in yourself. It will be a change, but it will not be the end of the world to not see her for a little while. You say that nothing happens unless YOU call. Well....take some time for yourself for a while instead of calling.
Take care of YOU. Surround yourself with other people, people who support you and genuinely care for you. Are there any fibromyalgia support groups near you? I have a good friend who's found really good support there. The stresses of dealing with these peoples' madness and drama is NOT helping you get better, in fact it's only going to make you worse.
Can you separate yourself from them, and find good people to take their place? Even if it takes some time to do that, I think it would be so much better for you at this stage of things.
Hugs and strength to you
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Thanks for the replies. One thing I have realized through all this is that i really don't even know how to take care of myself. i guess I was so busy taking care of everything while with the A that after he left i was lost and still feel lost.
Now he has someone else to take care of him and she has alot more than I ever did. so he reaps the "rewards" and puts on a great show and I just want to scream "its not true" but convincing myself that its not true is harder. I feel that my self esteem is either completely destroyed or maybe I never even had any to begin with.
I agree that behavior is a reflection on the person displaying it. Its just a shock. But if people treat others a certain way what ever would make me think i would be exempt from that?
I dont really think I can trust anyone. Or maybe I can't trust myself not to get into relationships with certain people. I dont know. I put on a great front because I am crushed so easily. Makes me feel weak.
I have no desire to make new friends. I am still dealing with my self image which I allowed to be destroyed by the X. Some things just stick with you. Its very easy for me to fall right back into the old "what did I do wrong". I have not met any men since he left and I dont feel I am in a position to have a relationship with a man anyway.
I try to be a good and fair person and I take friendship very seriously. At my age I cant believe I am still learning this. I know that people put on fronts. I thought when you were friends with someone long enough those fronts came down. maybe not always.
Its really hard to comprehend that.
I have not answered the phone the last few times when L (the girl) called. It makes me feel like a jerk. Guilt guilt guilt.
Anyway thanks you and i am trying, as always, to get through this one too.
Now he has someone else to take care of him and she has alot more than I ever did. so he reaps the "rewards" and puts on a great show and I just want to scream "its not true" but convincing myself that its not true is harder. I feel that my self esteem is either completely destroyed or maybe I never even had any to begin with.
I agree that behavior is a reflection on the person displaying it. Its just a shock. But if people treat others a certain way what ever would make me think i would be exempt from that?
I dont really think I can trust anyone. Or maybe I can't trust myself not to get into relationships with certain people. I dont know. I put on a great front because I am crushed so easily. Makes me feel weak.
I have no desire to make new friends. I am still dealing with my self image which I allowed to be destroyed by the X. Some things just stick with you. Its very easy for me to fall right back into the old "what did I do wrong". I have not met any men since he left and I dont feel I am in a position to have a relationship with a man anyway.
I try to be a good and fair person and I take friendship very seriously. At my age I cant believe I am still learning this. I know that people put on fronts. I thought when you were friends with someone long enough those fronts came down. maybe not always.
Its really hard to comprehend that.
I have not answered the phone the last few times when L (the girl) called. It makes me feel like a jerk. Guilt guilt guilt.
Anyway thanks you and i am trying, as always, to get through this one too.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
I apologize in advance if this sounds insensitive, but I think it may.
From reading your past posts, your ex has been with his current girlfriend for three years? How would it even be possible or reasonable for his sister to not have a relationship with her? I don't see a reason to take this personally.
I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. I guess my only advice would be to say that, in my experience, you have to let people have their own realtionships and not determine the quality of your relationships by who is on "your team" or "their team." They rarely have anything to do with each other.
From reading your past posts, your ex has been with his current girlfriend for three years? How would it even be possible or reasonable for his sister to not have a relationship with her? I don't see a reason to take this personally.
I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. I guess my only advice would be to say that, in my experience, you have to let people have their own realtionships and not determine the quality of your relationships by who is on "your team" or "their team." They rarely have anything to do with each other.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
The reason I didnt think she had a relationship with her is because she always made comments about the girlfriend. Comments about how much of enabler she is, how she drinks all the time, doesnt take care of her kid, isn't good for her brother, said she was fake, so I just figured she didnt like her.
I didnt make it a point to trash the gf. (unless calling her "swamp-crotch" in my private journal counts) I actually told his sister and mother that I didnt want them to feel that i would be hurt if they actually liked her. They acted as if they did not.
When he came here last year and told me he wanted to work things out, didnt want to be with her etc...his sister called me and asked me what was going on. Told me she was excited that I might be "back" in the family. Then he dropped the ball after i told him my boundries, which included getting help for his drinking etc. He told his family that he wanted to get help, fix things, etc..then he did nothing...a month later shes at their house for thanksgiving.
So of course they can have a relationship...of course the gf is a part of their family now. That's not what I'm upset about. I'm upset that they couldnt just be honest. By them hididng the simple fact that they have accepted her just seems wrong and it upset me.
I have left him alone, I have not trashed him, I never tried to be a threat or play head games. HE called ME everytime. It just took awhile for me to not answer. It's not that I expected them to say "we hate her and we will never be nice to her" Sure in the beginning I would have said "good" but after awhile what can you do? I just feel that after all those years i deserved a little more respect. .
I didnt make it a point to trash the gf. (unless calling her "swamp-crotch" in my private journal counts) I actually told his sister and mother that I didnt want them to feel that i would be hurt if they actually liked her. They acted as if they did not.
When he came here last year and told me he wanted to work things out, didnt want to be with her etc...his sister called me and asked me what was going on. Told me she was excited that I might be "back" in the family. Then he dropped the ball after i told him my boundries, which included getting help for his drinking etc. He told his family that he wanted to get help, fix things, etc..then he did nothing...a month later shes at their house for thanksgiving.
So of course they can have a relationship...of course the gf is a part of their family now. That's not what I'm upset about. I'm upset that they couldnt just be honest. By them hididng the simple fact that they have accepted her just seems wrong and it upset me.
I have left him alone, I have not trashed him, I never tried to be a threat or play head games. HE called ME everytime. It just took awhile for me to not answer. It's not that I expected them to say "we hate her and we will never be nice to her" Sure in the beginning I would have said "good" but after awhile what can you do? I just feel that after all those years i deserved a little more respect. .
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by loner1968 
I dont want to just drop the 13 year old. How do you do that?
1. The BEST thing you can do for this child is to be a shining beacon of your OWN recovery.
2. As long as there is any possible way to remain in this child's life -- as long as no one is legally blocking you (which, of course, her parents/guardians have every right to do) and the child WANTS to see you, I URGE you to remain involved with her.
Finding a way to remain involved with her and not the insanity and drama around her will only come from the answers you find in your own recovery. I honestly do not pretend to know what your "involvement" will look like. For instance, if you need a break, perhaps just sending her cards and leaving her voice mails for a while will keep up contact while you stabilize yourself, your perspective, etc., will be a good choice. Does she understand she can call you at any time? Whatever ways you can offer her an example of love, safety and sanity, I suggest that you do so.
There is nothing more important or more priceless than being of service to a child.
It's only my opinion so PLEASE take what you like and leave the rest.
abc
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
abcdefg,
thank you...this is really the bottom line of this whole problem. I don't want people to feel like i am staying in the child's life to stay connected to him. I have never felt that. But sometimes i do feel that I get twinges of sadness when I am around the child. memories etc..
She does know that she can call me anytime. We are VERY close. Her mother (A's sister) has absolutely no problem with me being in her daughter's life but I have been feeling that it is very one sided. I go there to get her, drop her off etc. Its not all the time. We talk on the phone and she stays the night every couple months.
I really agree with you that I should stay in the child's life. I just wish she wasn't connected to the A.
thank you...this is really the bottom line of this whole problem. I don't want people to feel like i am staying in the child's life to stay connected to him. I have never felt that. But sometimes i do feel that I get twinges of sadness when I am around the child. memories etc..
She does know that she can call me anytime. We are VERY close. Her mother (A's sister) has absolutely no problem with me being in her daughter's life but I have been feeling that it is very one sided. I go there to get her, drop her off etc. Its not all the time. We talk on the phone and she stays the night every couple months.
I really agree with you that I should stay in the child's life. I just wish she wasn't connected to the A.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
i understand.
your continued recovery, working steps, using tools, will really help with this. for one thing, you may begin to be less and less concerned with what others think of you and find the best boundaries in the situation.
it's possible through recovery and you sound very committed to the girl, which is wonderful.
your continued recovery, working steps, using tools, will really help with this. for one thing, you may begin to be less and less concerned with what others think of you and find the best boundaries in the situation.
it's possible through recovery and you sound very committed to the girl, which is wonderful.
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