Hi there Zilct!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Hi there Zilct!
Zilct:
I saw your post in another thread, and thought I'd say welcome and start a new thread in regard to what you had to say.
There are a bunch of good books written by Toby Drews on how living with an alcholic effects us. She addresses the fear of losing them issue (which we all have at some point)
Toby makes the case that A's are actually very DEPENDENT on us, not the other way around. We think that we can't live without them, but actually in fact, we don't really need them as much as we think we do. That's cause we OVER estimate how much they're actually giving to the relationship.
We give them credit for loving us, and participating positively in our lives more than they actually do.
It's a game that we all play with them -- they put on an act that they are some kind of superstar or someting, and we buy into it.
Because they secretly know that they are dependent on us, it is difficult to get an A out of your life, in spite of how much they may threaten to leave. Threats to leave are usually manipulation to get us to shut up and accept their crap.
Think about it, they put in minimal effort at being what we need from them, and we stay with them anyway. What a deal - why give that up?
I spent several years thinking I couldn't live without my A. Then one day, I asked myself "What is he really giving to the relationship?". The objective answer was "Not enough".
I realized I had been taking care of myself and depending on myself for a long time.... or had been helped by other friends and family. I was giving him credit for it instead.
Loose the fear. You'll be fine regardless of what he does.
I saw your post in another thread, and thought I'd say welcome and start a new thread in regard to what you had to say.
There are a bunch of good books written by Toby Drews on how living with an alcholic effects us. She addresses the fear of losing them issue (which we all have at some point)
Toby makes the case that A's are actually very DEPENDENT on us, not the other way around. We think that we can't live without them, but actually in fact, we don't really need them as much as we think we do. That's cause we OVER estimate how much they're actually giving to the relationship.
We give them credit for loving us, and participating positively in our lives more than they actually do.
It's a game that we all play with them -- they put on an act that they are some kind of superstar or someting, and we buy into it.
Because they secretly know that they are dependent on us, it is difficult to get an A out of your life, in spite of how much they may threaten to leave. Threats to leave are usually manipulation to get us to shut up and accept their crap.
Think about it, they put in minimal effort at being what we need from them, and we stay with them anyway. What a deal - why give that up?
I spent several years thinking I couldn't live without my A. Then one day, I asked myself "What is he really giving to the relationship?". The objective answer was "Not enough".
I realized I had been taking care of myself and depending on myself for a long time.... or had been helped by other friends and family. I was giving him credit for it instead.
Loose the fear. You'll be fine regardless of what he does.
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 5
Dear EyesOpen,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I often wonder if I put in more work into our relationship than my husband. There have been times over the past four years that I have asked myself if this is what I want to deal with for the rest of my life... but getting out would be too hard. The fear of being alone has always been in me, that is my hurdle to work through I guess.
It is so hard to understand the jeckle and hyde act that my husband goes through when he drinks. When sober, he is kind and loving. When drunk, at his best he acts like a child that I need to keep an eye on, at worst he says hateful things. He has never hit me, but I am tired of the words. All I do know, is that I am not ready to give up on him. I don't want to leave yet. So, I just have to hold on and get through the bad times and I can do that through support and kind thoughts from all of you here.
I never thought there would be people that would understand so well what I am going through. I am just starting to understand that I am not alone. The more people share and write with me, the more I feel supported. That has made all the difference so far.
Liz
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I often wonder if I put in more work into our relationship than my husband. There have been times over the past four years that I have asked myself if this is what I want to deal with for the rest of my life... but getting out would be too hard. The fear of being alone has always been in me, that is my hurdle to work through I guess.
It is so hard to understand the jeckle and hyde act that my husband goes through when he drinks. When sober, he is kind and loving. When drunk, at his best he acts like a child that I need to keep an eye on, at worst he says hateful things. He has never hit me, but I am tired of the words. All I do know, is that I am not ready to give up on him. I don't want to leave yet. So, I just have to hold on and get through the bad times and I can do that through support and kind thoughts from all of you here.
I never thought there would be people that would understand so well what I am going through. I am just starting to understand that I am not alone. The more people share and write with me, the more I feel supported. That has made all the difference so far.
Liz
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Liz,
I completely understand the Jeckle a Hyde "syndrome".
My husband is the same way. Try to enjoy the good times. Try not to worry about the bad times. Take care of yourself. Do what you can to be happy.
I repeatedly told my husband that I needed to be happy. It took a real fall for him and he too realized that he needed to be happy (and healthy). But, others can't make us happy. We have to find happiness for ourselves. Find things that you enjoy doing and do them as much as you can.
The nice weather has finally arrived so do what you can to enjoy it.
Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
NoDoubt
I completely understand the Jeckle a Hyde "syndrome".
My husband is the same way. Try to enjoy the good times. Try not to worry about the bad times. Take care of yourself. Do what you can to be happy.
I repeatedly told my husband that I needed to be happy. It took a real fall for him and he too realized that he needed to be happy (and healthy). But, others can't make us happy. We have to find happiness for ourselves. Find things that you enjoy doing and do them as much as you can.
The nice weather has finally arrived so do what you can to enjoy it.
Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
NoDoubt
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
(((((Zilct))))))
The others have really given you some good information--just might have to use some of it myself.
I completely understand the Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde scene. Just can't ever remember which one is the bad guy, since I never read the book. But my plan is to stay away during the "bad guy" scene. Shopping is my first preference, and if I HAVE to stay home, an escape into the bubble-bath world is a good plan--or a good book to take your mind of the ever-looming "you could cut the air with a knife" feeling. I found that responding isn't a good idea, because you can't say the right thing, no matter how hard you try.
Just know that we've been there, and we care.
Hugs,
Lyn
I completely understand the Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde scene. Just can't ever remember which one is the bad guy, since I never read the book. But my plan is to stay away during the "bad guy" scene. Shopping is my first preference, and if I HAVE to stay home, an escape into the bubble-bath world is a good plan--or a good book to take your mind of the ever-looming "you could cut the air with a knife" feeling. I found that responding isn't a good idea, because you can't say the right thing, no matter how hard you try.
Just know that we've been there, and we care.
Hugs,
Lyn
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 5
Lyn,
Your words are so familiar to me, it's uncanny. During his drinking boughts I just try to stay away, a different room, let him go out by himself..anything to keep from fighting. When we are together and he drinks too much it is so frustrating because he acts like a spoiled two year old...and thats the good drunk times! Fortunatly for me, the really BAD times have been few. Saturday night was the worst, we were at a wedding and there was no where I could escape to.
The only thing through the whole wedding I kept thinking was how embarassing it was when his friends kept asking me where he had run off to every time he was gone (which was often) and it was to the OPEN BAR every time. Our wedding song was played during a slow dance, and in his drunken excitment he had to run and tell anyone who would listen that it was his wedding song. Even when he danced with me he couldn't settle down, he kept hitting and playing around with his buddy who was dancing with his date. It was exausting.
I have no patience for him anymore when he gets like that. So I try to stay away. That makes him angry and he says I am no fun and I never want to do anything anymore. I don't enjoy going out because I know he is going to drink and can't stop himself at one or two.
Oh well
Thanks for listening
Liz
Your words are so familiar to me, it's uncanny. During his drinking boughts I just try to stay away, a different room, let him go out by himself..anything to keep from fighting. When we are together and he drinks too much it is so frustrating because he acts like a spoiled two year old...and thats the good drunk times! Fortunatly for me, the really BAD times have been few. Saturday night was the worst, we were at a wedding and there was no where I could escape to.
The only thing through the whole wedding I kept thinking was how embarassing it was when his friends kept asking me where he had run off to every time he was gone (which was often) and it was to the OPEN BAR every time. Our wedding song was played during a slow dance, and in his drunken excitment he had to run and tell anyone who would listen that it was his wedding song. Even when he danced with me he couldn't settle down, he kept hitting and playing around with his buddy who was dancing with his date. It was exausting.
I have no patience for him anymore when he gets like that. So I try to stay away. That makes him angry and he says I am no fun and I never want to do anything anymore. I don't enjoy going out because I know he is going to drink and can't stop himself at one or two.
Oh well
Thanks for listening
Liz
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