really_fed_up

Okay...so this is just a rant, but I need to get it out of my system, and where better a place to turn?

I finally spoke to Jane after about a month of a break from each other (well, namely my break from her drinking and issues surrounding such). She called and asked if we could meet up for lunch tomorrow; I had plans already but I told her I'd check my schedule to see if we could meet later in the day or the following day, and I'd email her if we could (she lives at a hostel and doesn't have a phone in her room, so it's hard to call her). We chit chat and then my phone battery starts to beep because it's dying, so I tell her that I have to get off. She acts "sad" but we hang up.

So Jane goes and calls my parents to tell them that she's trying to "reconnect" with her sister, but her sister is "being mean, cold, and distant, doesn't want anything to do with her, is making excuses to get off the phone" etc. My mom calls me up and demands that I "have to tell Jane if I don't want to have a relationship with her and stop giving her the run around". I'm not home at the time so I don't get the message until later.

Before I can call my mom back Jane calls and she sounds out of her mind drunk (what a surprise); she rambles on about how she's "nervous all the time" and how my parents "hate that I'm married" and all this other crazy stuff. I tell her firmly that I need to get off the phone--not angry, but firm--and then hang up..and then I call my mom back.

Before I can get a word in my mom starts talking about all this stuff that Jane told her--that I'm mean, cold, and distant. I'm honest with my mom and tell her that everything that Jane has told her is frankly bulls**t, and once again, it's her manipulative lies because she's been drinking again. My mom says that yes, she suspects that Jane's been hitting the bottle again, too. I tell my mom firmly that I will not put up with Jane's behavior, that this is my boundary, and that I will not have a relationship with her as long as she continues to drink. My mom sees my point...and we leave it at that.

I'm so resentful that once again, Jane is just spreading these manipulative lies about me and that my mom automatically jumps to the conclusion that everything Jane tells her is the gospel truth. I don't know if she'll ever be able to let Jane go, but I also realize that I don't have to bring that worry into my own life.


I've set my boundaries and I'm going to continue to follow through with them. Jane is drinking--so I'm not going to have a relationship with her. I realize that I do have choices here...and I'm going to make the choice to separate myself from Jane once again.

I feel that I should email her and tell her that I have set boundaries in which I do not associate with her when she is drinking, and thus I do not want to meet her for lunch. I feel like I want to tell her that I resent the lies she spreads about me to my parents, but at the same time, I don't know what good that would do--I feel like it might just put me back in the middle of her vortex of chaos again. I think a simple email--short, to the point, loving, firm--would be best. Any thoughts out there?

Needed this rant.....errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh

Bernadette

Hey Fed Up-
What a shame that your sister is drinking again. More dysfunction and drama for your family.
2 things struck me in your post:
"My mom sees my point...and we leave it at that."

Is this progress? I mean Mom seeing your point? I think that's a good sign. Maybe your firmness on this issue is setting a good example?

The other thing was:
"I feel that I should email her and tell her that I have set boundaries in which I do not associate with her when she is drinking, and thus I do not want to meet her for lunch. I feel like I want to tell her that I resent the lies she spreads about me to my parents, but at the same time, I don't know what good that would do-"

I think you do need to let your sister know that you are aware of the lies she spreads and that you will not tolerate it and it is hurtful. If you maintain your boundaries then just telling her the truth (as calmly as you can, whether by email or whatever) shouldn't draw you into her vortex...you've been pretty good about your boundaries even though it has been a real challenge. Consequences are consequences - if she wasn't an alcoholic you would most likely say something if she was lying and manipulating right? - so you should probably say something...

Hang in there Fed Up - I think you're doing great in spite of how much this hurts and how much your parents are part of the problem too...

Peace,
B.

laurie6781

That is perfectly fine to do. Your boundaries are in writing that way. My only additional suggestions would be to send it also, as a CC: to your Mom. That way Jane will see you have already sent a copy to 'Mom" and will be hard put to change what you said, and mom will have it in Black and White what you told Jane.

Then based on your email, "that you refuse to be drawn into their dance" don't respond. You cannot help either one right now, and your immediate family needs your attention (hubby, etc).

I might also suggest, that any time your mother brings the subject up, you can end it by saying something like "well I don't have the answers but Alanon does." then change the subject.

By being consistant and sounding like a broken record, eventually some of what you are saying over and over and over and over will sink in. Just because they invite you to 'dance' doesn't mean you have to dance, lol.

Keep venting, keep posting, use us as your outlet, stay out of the middle and it will get better for you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

really_fed_up

Thanks all...I wrote Jane an email outlining my boundaries, telling her that I love her, and that because it is painful for me to see her when she's drinking and it's also painful for me when she twists situations around, I need to have my space and do not want to meet with her for lunch while she's in this state. I ended with a "I hope you will continue to seek out help" and love, RFU.

my mom had sent me an email thanking me "for my candor" regarding Jane's latest and telling me that she "knows what Jane said about me isn't true". I wrote my mom back and told her that I appreciated her email, and that since Jane is choosing to drink again, I'm going to choose not to be around her. Left it at that.

lexusgirl

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all the chaos again..but you're doing a great job and firmly holding your boundaries with your sis and Mom.

Families can be crazy at times, I know, as I went through something similiar with my sister and Dad, although neither were alcoholic.

((((hugs))))