New to this board-I feel like Ive been punched in the stomach
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 11
New to this board-I feel like Ive been punched in the stomach
My husband and I are separated. He had 2 years sober and his brother called me today to say he started drinking again on Thursday(?).
I need to study for a test on Monday and I cant focus. I want to drive to his house-be with him (obviously I still love him, we had even talked about getting back together now that he was sober), but I know nothing I do will help. His family is with him, enabling of course, anyway. I mostly just feel sick. I cant focus, its so painful. Does anyone know how to focus on schoolwork when all you can do is obsess and worry? My heart is beating so fast...I guess I am having an anxiety attack. I just dont know what to do, help?:codiepolice
I need to study for a test on Monday and I cant focus. I want to drive to his house-be with him (obviously I still love him, we had even talked about getting back together now that he was sober), but I know nothing I do will help. His family is with him, enabling of course, anyway. I mostly just feel sick. I cant focus, its so painful. Does anyone know how to focus on schoolwork when all you can do is obsess and worry? My heart is beating so fast...I guess I am having an anxiety attack. I just dont know what to do, help?:codiepolice
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome Sarah
What I do ... pray and leave them in God's hands.
Having been the husband who was separated... I can tell you this from experience...
Let him deal with his own choices and the consequences of those choices is the only way he will learn and seek recovery for himself.
The best thing you can do for him is to take care of "you". His seeing how well you are taking care of yourself will speak more to him then anything else you could say or do. I know this first hand.
So...
Place him in God's hands and get back to your books. You will be doing more for him then you may ever know.
What I do ... pray and leave them in God's hands.
Having been the husband who was separated... I can tell you this from experience...
Let him deal with his own choices and the consequences of those choices is the only way he will learn and seek recovery for himself.
The best thing you can do for him is to take care of "you". His seeing how well you are taking care of yourself will speak more to him then anything else you could say or do. I know this first hand.
So...
Place him in God's hands and get back to your books. You will be doing more for him then you may ever know.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Hi Sarah and Welcome!!
Sounds like we have a little in common too. I'm trying to study for a mid term right now and am having a hard time focusing as well. Ughh!!
My xabf moved out a few weeks ago leaving me with a lot of his responsiblities. He moved to his alcoholic Dad's house and of course all his family on that side are A's.
Like best said, there isn't really anything you can do for him. As hard as it may be, all that we can do is put the focus back on us. Praying and coming to SR helps me a lot. I also go to counseling and AlAnon.
I won't lie, it does hurt like hell and like you described it being punched in the stomach. But remember this to shall pass.
I'm hoping once I dive into my books I'll forget soon enough.
Hugs and take care,
Lexi
Sounds like we have a little in common too. I'm trying to study for a mid term right now and am having a hard time focusing as well. Ughh!!
My xabf moved out a few weeks ago leaving me with a lot of his responsiblities. He moved to his alcoholic Dad's house and of course all his family on that side are A's.
Like best said, there isn't really anything you can do for him. As hard as it may be, all that we can do is put the focus back on us. Praying and coming to SR helps me a lot. I also go to counseling and AlAnon.
I won't lie, it does hurt like hell and like you described it being punched in the stomach. But remember this to shall pass.
I'm hoping once I dive into my books I'll forget soon enough.
Hugs and take care,
Lexi
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
At times like these we are made acutely aware that we have a spirit and a soul that are seperate from the body. You have been punched in your spiritual stomach. There are no visible bruises, no rash to put lotion on, no broken bone to set, no antibiotic to kill this infection. When the spirit is hurt, we feel it in every fiber of our being.
This is the real damage of this disease, it kills the soul.
It breaks the spirit. It makes it nearly impossible to focus on anything else.
For me, rather than trying to "do things", I had to develope clarity about my own convictions. I had compromised myself into nonexistance. The disease had stolen two souls, mine and his. I could not have faith when I had been let down so many times.
You see, I would be different than other women. I would stick it out. I would pray and endure what ever came.
What I did not see was that God was telling me to go when I was determined He wanted me to stay. I forgot about my husbands free will.
My husband had the free will to at least try and he didnt.
Even in recovery, the cliff is just an excuse away.
We compromise until we search for a crumb or a thread to hand on to.
What ever happened to having an equal partner?
I used to think I did drive him to drink. I was a reminder of the standard he couldnt live up to.
I don't know if alcoholics can not drink. I don't know if it is a disease, an addiction or what.
It became clear that I didnt know the cure either.
I could not stay and think any less of him than I did.
I felt like everyday I stayed with him, was one more day he would have to acccount for.
Until death do us part took on a whole new meaning for me. I was dead. My spirit was dead.
I am so sorry for your pain.
So if you did go over there, how do you see that playing out?
This is the real damage of this disease, it kills the soul.
It breaks the spirit. It makes it nearly impossible to focus on anything else.
For me, rather than trying to "do things", I had to develope clarity about my own convictions. I had compromised myself into nonexistance. The disease had stolen two souls, mine and his. I could not have faith when I had been let down so many times.
You see, I would be different than other women. I would stick it out. I would pray and endure what ever came.
What I did not see was that God was telling me to go when I was determined He wanted me to stay. I forgot about my husbands free will.
My husband had the free will to at least try and he didnt.
Even in recovery, the cliff is just an excuse away.
We compromise until we search for a crumb or a thread to hand on to.
What ever happened to having an equal partner?
I used to think I did drive him to drink. I was a reminder of the standard he couldnt live up to.
I don't know if alcoholics can not drink. I don't know if it is a disease, an addiction or what.
It became clear that I didnt know the cure either.
I could not stay and think any less of him than I did.
I felt like everyday I stayed with him, was one more day he would have to acccount for.
Until death do us part took on a whole new meaning for me. I was dead. My spirit was dead.
I am so sorry for your pain.
So if you did go over there, how do you see that playing out?
Sister of Alcoholic
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
Hi Sarah,
Welcome to SR and I hope you'll stick around. This community is full of people who can relate exactly to what you're going through. I know the anxiety you've described...the last time my ASis went off the wagon, I felt sick for days and couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate, etc.
The hardest part is realizing that no amount of our own worry is going to change the outcome for the alcoholic; he/she is the only one who can change his/her outcome.
I have an anxiety disorder and do yoga, jog, write, and take long, hot baths when I feel anxious; remember to take care of yourself and that you're human. It's okay to acknowledge that we will feel unpleasant sometimes. Give yourself a little TLC.
Welcome to SR and I hope you'll stick around. This community is full of people who can relate exactly to what you're going through. I know the anxiety you've described...the last time my ASis went off the wagon, I felt sick for days and couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate, etc.
The hardest part is realizing that no amount of our own worry is going to change the outcome for the alcoholic; he/she is the only one who can change his/her outcome.
I have an anxiety disorder and do yoga, jog, write, and take long, hot baths when I feel anxious; remember to take care of yourself and that you're human. It's okay to acknowledge that we will feel unpleasant sometimes. Give yourself a little TLC.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi Sara and Welcome!!!
I was in that situation when I was in grad school. My ex addict bf loved to play mind games during finals. Once, he told me to get out 2 days before a final that my entire grade for the semester depended on. I went to study with a group, but took breaks to cry and be upset. I would give myself 5 or 10 minutes to get it out, then study for another couple of hours before my next "cry" break.
I know it's hard, but he will be there to deal with after your school work is done.
If you are really unable to focus, can you get an extension from your prof.? I was not in that position because I would have had to wait until the following year when then class was offered again to take the final.
Take a deep breath! You can get through this!
Big hugs to you!
I was in that situation when I was in grad school. My ex addict bf loved to play mind games during finals. Once, he told me to get out 2 days before a final that my entire grade for the semester depended on. I went to study with a group, but took breaks to cry and be upset. I would give myself 5 or 10 minutes to get it out, then study for another couple of hours before my next "cry" break.
I know it's hard, but he will be there to deal with after your school work is done.
If you are really unable to focus, can you get an extension from your prof.? I was not in that position because I would have had to wait until the following year when then class was offered again to take the final.
Take a deep breath! You can get through this!
Big hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
Hi, Sarah! I know the feeling so well, guess we all do here! I read somewhere how unfair it is - we feel all the pain and anxiety while the A snores away in the next room, oblivious! I had a great job that paid more than I ever made in my life, but my A husband would be drunk when I came home, drunk the night before a big business trip, drunk when I was dealing with clients - I just couldn't concentrate and felt like I blew it time and time again - so quit the job when I probably should have quit the marriage instead!
It's so draining. Hope you are feeling better today. Try somehow to separate yourself from the feeling. It is just a feeling. We just can't let their choices keep us from doing what we need to do for ourselves.
Hot tea, hot bath, some upbeat music, maybe a little dancing around the living room even if you don't feel like it - and keep visiting us here. It helped me so much to know I'm not alone.
It's so draining. Hope you are feeling better today. Try somehow to separate yourself from the feeling. It is just a feeling. We just can't let their choices keep us from doing what we need to do for ourselves.
Hot tea, hot bath, some upbeat music, maybe a little dancing around the living room even if you don't feel like it - and keep visiting us here. It helped me so much to know I'm not alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by sarahlm 
My husband and I are separated. He had 2 years sober and his brother called me today to say he started drinking again on Thursday(?).
I need to study for a test on Monday and I cant focus. I want to drive to his house-be with him (obviously I still love him, we had even talked about getting back together now that he was sober), but I know nothing I do will help. His family is with him, enabling of course, anyway. I mostly just feel sick. I cant focus, its so painful. Does anyone know how to focus on schoolwork when all you can do is obsess and worry? My heart is beating so fast...I guess I am having an anxiety attack. I just dont know what to do, help?:codiepolice
I need to study for a test on Monday and I cant focus. I want to drive to his house-be with him (obviously I still love him, we had even talked about getting back together now that he was sober), but I know nothing I do will help. His family is with him, enabling of course, anyway. I mostly just feel sick. I cant focus, its so painful. Does anyone know how to focus on schoolwork when all you can do is obsess and worry? My heart is beating so fast...I guess I am having an anxiety attack. I just dont know what to do, help?:codiepolice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by mallowcup
Until death do us part took on a whole new meaning for me. I was dead. My spirit was dead.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I do understand but I will say, the world will not conform to fit around our acoholic issues at home. This is very important. Living with an alcoholic is frustrating but is rarely a temporary situational incident where we need some compassion THIS time. This is when we realize that we have to make life choices that will allow us to be productive. The world will not bend to accomidate the shanagans of an alcoholic.
Sometimes we get mad at the world because they dont understand our special circumstances living with an alcoholic. They dont see it as a special circumstance. They see it as dumb and avoidable. To finish nursing school, I had to make up my mind. My goals or this alcoholic life of compromises? I received no sympathy. I didnt deserve any special attention. Everyone there had hurdles and circumstances to overcome. Mine was avoidable.
Sometimes we get mad at the world because they dont understand our special circumstances living with an alcoholic. They dont see it as a special circumstance. They see it as dumb and avoidable. To finish nursing school, I had to make up my mind. My goals or this alcoholic life of compromises? I received no sympathy. I didnt deserve any special attention. Everyone there had hurdles and circumstances to overcome. Mine was avoidable.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
What I do ... pray and leave them in God's hands.
Hard to wrap your mind around but that is truly how it is. Sorry you are going through so much right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 11
Thanks everyone for the feedback. Im in nursing school and I thought about calling my instructor, but the truth is, I am going into a profession where I have to learn to get through my emotions regarding patients and focus on the job so I doubt she would let me postpone the test. Besides, we have a test every week so I would just have more anxiety preparing for 2 tests.
And of course, he called me today,(while I was at Clinicals!!) full of resolve and apologies, gushing with love and guilt. I didnt really know what to say, tried not to lecture, and kind of just cried. Basically told him I'd heard it all before and its his decision if he wants to stay sober. Hes going to call me later...I better call my sponsor before that.
And of course, he called me today,(while I was at Clinicals!!) full of resolve and apologies, gushing with love and guilt. I didnt really know what to say, tried not to lecture, and kind of just cried. Basically told him I'd heard it all before and its his decision if he wants to stay sober. Hes going to call me later...I better call my sponsor before that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Don't let your school work get behind. I know that it is hard because I was in nursing school for a yr and so I know what the work can be like. Trust me that you will be better off if you just concentrate on your schooling and let things be. I know how it feels to cry and be so disappointed and I wish that for the past 4 yrs I would have concentrated on myself more and recieved a position withen my field of interior design(yes changed majors).
Its funny b/c now the xabf and I have been broken up for 2 months and I just recieved an offer in my field.....So excited and so proud of myself that I finally concentrated on my dreams.
Trust me when I say that you are not alone. You wish that you could just snap your fingers and they would be the men you want them to be. Unfortunately that is not the way life is. Just keep on doing what you are doing and if you focus on your goals and your dreams you may just have a influence on him and he may change for the better. If he does not well then you at least know that you achieved your goal and did not let his actions throw you off course.
Its funny b/c now the xabf and I have been broken up for 2 months and I just recieved an offer in my field.....So excited and so proud of myself that I finally concentrated on my dreams.
Trust me when I say that you are not alone. You wish that you could just snap your fingers and they would be the men you want them to be. Unfortunately that is not the way life is. Just keep on doing what you are doing and if you focus on your goals and your dreams you may just have a influence on him and he may change for the better. If he does not well then you at least know that you achieved your goal and did not let his actions throw you off course.
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