Fees

Hi all, this is my first post here.
I grew up in a home where none of my family drank. I was lucky to not see alcoholism in reality. I find myself a rational person, reading a situation before reacting. In the past I have found that if I remain laidback with minor suggestions of good behavior and being a good rolemodel has helped me guide friends or siblings to better places.

For alcoholism this doesnt seem to be the right avenue and I am lost at what to do.

I have been with my BF a year. It took me a little bit to figure out that some of his actions were not really part of his personality because he is functional. He is a bright man, he took himself from nothing. His mother kicked him out at 16, he lived in a car. Now he has a master degree from Cal-Tech and a job with alot of responsibility. I was impressed with his self determination to achieve so seeing that he had a drinking problem was hard.
In reading over alot of threads, I think at this point he is hitting a low. He got a DUI end of last year and got caught driving and street racing during the DL suspension. This surfacing at his job might cause him to lose it. His courtdate for the 2nd offense is coming up, thus hes a huge stress case.
Tonight we had our first head on discussion about his problem. Up to now its been mostly about the DUI and that he does dumb things when he drinks alot, but never that he has a drinking problem.
This makes me happy, hes pretty bull headed and it seems he wants to come around. However he feels like I cannot relate to where he is. He asked me to check out the internet for forums where I can read about situations and understand that things can't always end up okay (I always try to be optimistic).
So what can I do to be supportive, yet not become a crutch? I feel bad because he has reached out to me but I am speechless. I have no idea what to say. I am not used to being active, only reactive to a problem.

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us!

Being reactive to a problem will IMHO only escalate the problem no matter what you are dealing with drinking or not!

I had a father, 3 brothers (One who is a multi millionare) and several A boyfriends that were "functioning" A's and I will tell you this it does not in anyway excuse the behavior when they are drinking! The violence emotionally or physically that can come with it! Sure they can get up and go to a job and make lots of money-BIG DEAL! There is still a problem! They are drinking and going out on the road getting DUI's putting other people's lives in danger? Hmmmm....

You stated that you had a discussion with him and he told you to check out forums? Yet I fail to see where he discussed his problem?

Check out the stickies at the top of the forum there is a lot of information there! And please keep posting! Glad that you are here

angelfromheaven

I can relate - my ABF admitted to having a problem and just came out of a so far successful rehab...

I would say the best you could do is to get him to an AA meeting (perhaps you could even go with him to an "Open Meeting")

If he says that he has no problem, perhaps he could do a "Self test" alcoholscreening.org (add www)

Also I find this quite good and quick:

"CAGE is the most widely used test in clinical practice. The test includes four questions and takes only a few minutes.
Have you ever felt you should CUT DOWN on your drinking?

Have people ANNOYED you by criticizing your drinking?

Have you ever felt GUILTY about your drinking?

Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning as an EYE OPENER to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover?

If you answered yes to at least two of the above questions, you are at risk of having a problem with alcohol. There are other diagnostic tools available to help you further assess a problem with alcohol or drugs. Your physician can help you determine if a problem exists."

Found on hazelden.org (you can find other useful info)

And perhaps get HIM rather to read on the internet - HE is the one who has a problem...

For yourself, you may want to go to Alanon meetings which will help you a lot in various ways

Wishing you all the best

justanothrdrunk

Me = college educated, homeowner, good job - same company over 12 years, I support my wife and son on my income (she doesn't work).

Never been arrested. Never lost my job. Wife hasn't divorced me...

My point is, there's no such thing as a "functional" alcoholic. Not saying your BF is an alchie...

With alcoholism, there are a million and one ways to malfunction. The problem is that it wasn't always so apparent to others how I was malfunctioning.

I've been in rehab 3 times. This last one for 5 months. Lived in a sober house for 4 months.

My suggestion is that you reconsider what it means to be "functional."

Fees

wow thanks for the passive/agressive support. i see that you have decided to nit pick my post but not answer my question. i will elaborate more.

we did discuss seriously that he does indeed have a problem, that he feels he is becoming an alcoholic. that he doesnt think i can help him because i am so far removed. #1 because of my approach of being laid back appears like i dont care and #2 i have not ever had an alcoholic in my life.
thus thats why i am here, to find out :

"So what can I do to be supportive, yet not become a crutch? I feel bad because he has reached out to me but I am speechless. I have no idea what to say. I am not used to being active, only reactive to a problem. "

Fees

thanks for the input!
He is currently in AA for the DUI. He seems to becoming aware of how his actions are not only affecting his evenings, but his body in general. Thats whats scaring him the most.
I think where the problem lies is when we try to discuss this together. I am being a listener, and I want him to know that I care. I cant really be in his shoes becuase I have never been addicted to anything (except maybe sweet food). So what do you do to be there for someone when you cant relate?

Fees

congratulations on your last endeavour. i can only imagine how hard things can be. it must take a strong person to do that.

i didnt think functional meant a lesser alcholic, i just thought it was a type. it seems to me to be the toughest combination because people who can do both seem to be really smart and thus can easily trick themselves? An assumptiuon on my part.

what has your wife done for you that has been most helpful?

hbb

Hi Fee and welcome to SR, glad you found us. Rella is exactly right, my ex alcoholic boyfriend (exabf) went to work everyday and did all sorts of things but was a raging alcoholic. And as for the driving, i'm a huge stickler when it comes to possibly harming others. My ex thought nothing of it to hop in his truck completely drunk....it's a real risk which i'm sure your well aware of.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to help him, he has to want to help himself. I found out the hard way, i told my exabf that i was not the girl for him if he wanted to continue to drink. He chose AA and kicking and screaming he went. We were no longer together at the 1 year marker, he was still miserable, depressed, angry, and all the other emotions as he has yet to grasp true sobriety. No one can do it for them but what i did find out is that i CAN help myself

My suggestion would be if you want to help, is first help yourself first and go to Al Anon, even an open AA meeting, read all you can here. This is a great place.

hugs

laurie6781

Welcome to SR Fees. You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H). Folks who have either been where you are now, or are at where you are now.

That being said, some of our responses may not be what you 'want' to hear, but they will be coming from our own experiences.

You ask what is the best way to be supportive? Work on you. Try some Alanon. Learn how to set boundaries and keep them. You will also find people that you are able to talk to and call when things get rough, and yes they may get rough. Alcoholism is a progressive affliction, thus his being a 'functional alcoholic' will change.

His 'agreeing' or 'seeing' that he has or may have a problem is just the first of many many teeny steps he will take. Or he may have just agreed with you (alkies are notorious for doing that, I know I sure was) to get you off his back. Only time will tell and since you believe there is a problem, there is a problem for you, it may not be one for him YET.

He will try and manipulate you, he may reach the point of blaming you. He could become verbally and physically abusive.

And then again none of the above may happen. However, please do not take his 'words' as gospel. His actions will be a truer exhibit of his commitment to recovery.

Sad to say he may have a long way to go before he really becomes "willing to go to any lengths to stay sober."

There are some excellent informative 'stickies' at the top of this forum, some more at the top of the '12 step forum' and even more at the top of the 'alcoholism' forum. They will all be very helpful to give you additional insight into what is about to happen in your life.

Being sober almost 27 years and being in Alanon almost 24 years, I have seen both sides of the coin and I can honestly say "it ain't pretty." However, for the non addicted Alanon can be an excellent support system.

J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

LaTeeDa

I used to think that, too. But, unfortunately, it is not a type of alcoholic, just a stage of alcoholism. It is progressive.

L

justanothrdrunk

I had to give you my "functional" speech only because you used that word. I used to think of myself that way, as a functional alcoholic. Big mistake on my part... anywho...

1. Goes to Al-Anon.
2. Goes to Al-Anon.

She got her 3 year Al-Anon medallion a few months ago. The best thing she ever did for me was take care of herself.

By talking (in person) with others in her same situation, I think it helped her tremendously. I too have gone to Al-Anon (my dad is an alcoholic), though not as regularly as she.

Al-Anon helped her to focus on herself and not on me. It may sound like backward logic, but it's not. I don't think I can adequately explain it here.

I think for me, knowing that she's not focusing on me, allowed me to focus on myself instead of me having to worry about what I needed to do to make her happy. She has learned to be happy and healthy no matter what I do.

gmc

Hi, I am new here too. I thought I would tell you about my dh who was a functioning alcoholic and fits every single attribute most people consider 'successful'.

Mostly, he drank more than anybody else I had ever seen in my life. So did his friends who are all also successful. It was the whole crew. They also did other drugs lots of the time. Through all this, my husband was the epitome of a successful businessman.

But all along, I told him, "I have never seen anyone drink as much as you. It is not normal" -- All this did was make him tell me that because my family didnt drink when I was growing up then I didnt know what normal was.

I KNEW it was not normal and refused to get drunk along with him and just dealt with it while shaking my head at how obnoxious he was when drunk. Of course, he was the life of any party and so he was always wanted at parties and had lots of chances to be obnoxious and make me disgusted with him during these times.

Well, it DID progress - pretty soon he was saying he'd be home at 10 pm and walk through the doors at 2 am because he wanted to keep drinking. In his own words, he liked saying, "Screw it" and giving in to getting smashed.

Well, after 6 months of this and our fights getting worse and worse, he decided to call a therapist friend (not one of the alchies and druggies) and have a session. This therapist told him, "You are an alcoholic and you need to get to AA" ... This was a blow since he was hearing it from a 'professional'.

Still, he tried to cut down, it didnt work. One month after this, I started looking for an apartment so I could leave him. I called my family and told them I was coming home. My husband flipped out and went to his first AA meeting at the though of losing my daughter and I.

He attended 3 -4 days a week and fortunately for him one day he walked in and saw another man he greatly respected from work. A peer, you know? He sat down with my husband later and told him he was just like him - drunk at night and weekends while highly respected at work. My husband clicked with him. Here was a guy who my husband had worked with and respected greatly for 2 years and like my husband, was an alcoholic behind closed doors until he finally sobered up and had been for 7 years.

This is long, I am sorry, but I think you might be able to relate to what I wrote. i think it helped that I never gave in to the pressure to think it is okay, that I was actually going to leave and only his getting to AA that night by HIS OWN WILL and sticking to it made me stick around, and then a respected therapist telling him, and finally - most importantly, he met someone in AA he could relate with who became his sponsor.

**I want to add that because my husband had control over most other aspects of his life, when he stopped drinking, it was immediately better. SO much so that immediately, I knew it was worth sticking around. Right away, he came home with a feeling of awe at what he was learning about himself and that made it worth it for HIM. HE says that he went to AA because of me but stuck around for him. I consider that a compliment though I always remind him his sobriety is not about me. And I go to Al-Anon to remind myself of that all the time too.

Good luck, You are NOT wrong,

Gabby

Rella927

Actually was not a "nitpick" to your post at all-I apologize if you took it that way-it was not my intention!

passive aggresive is really not me-

Take care and good luck!

angelfromheaven

Fees,

to answer your above, I have been only addicted to cigarettes and kicked the habit from 1 day to the other last July (have bee smoking a lot and long before though). No addiction in my family or around with near friends before. So when I realised that I had an Abf, it was all new.

I still believe that I was able to encourage him (he had to do it not me) to go to AA and I provoked the rehab, as I set boundaries (I do not accept your behaviour as an alcoholic, leave my house, I do not accept that my kids grow up with their mum's BF being alcoholic). And then I learned a lot during the time he was in rehab

I am somebody who needs to read the crap out of things, so I spend nights on the internet, such as here, learning, I did so in the past when my daughter had suddenly epileptic seizures and all other difficult moments in life. It helps me to understand and to rationalise. We all are different in our approaches, I guess it must feel right.

Alanon will probably give you lot's of information and it is like on the internet, take what you need, leave the rest.

I can't tell you what to do but I am sticking with my BF, showing him my love throughout, supporting him but making it very clear that I accept him only if he recovers, I will not accept a drinking/using alcoholic/addict in my life (and in my kids life) but also that his recovery is his and as much as I can live with a timespan of rehab, 90 meetings in 90 days etc. I want my partner to be there with me, after all a relationship is about sharing. And I am concentrating on my life too.

I also keep hope, cause I believe hope makes the world go round, and addicts revover....

hbb

I too had hope but for me, hope kept me on the rollercoaster and in the chaos. I've learned after the fact that I needed much more than hope...I needed actions.

Shivaya

[QUOTE=Fees;1741723]So what can I do to be supportive, yet not become a crutch?/QUOTE]

Welcome Fees...glad you are here.

This is what has worked for me:

1. Attend alanon mtgs. (All about me & how I act/react)
2. See a therapist (All about me & how I act/react)
3. Read alanon literature (all about taking care of my emotional well-being)
4. Read here on SR

My ah is not in a program. He is doing it his way...."cutting back".

He has made progress in other areas (I believe a direct result of not drinking until passed out/blacked out). He is more actively involved in our "home" life, and in the lives of our children.

I make sure to acknowledge with kind, heartfelt words, every time I witness him making progress (mostly with how he interacts with our children, as this means so much to me).

I am no longer enabling him. I don't buy alcohol (have not for years). I don't "clean up" his messes (figuratively and literally). I don't make excuses for him. I don't accept unacceptable behavior.

I have set boundaries, and I stick to them. This has worked for us, so far!

Hope this helps. Keep posting!

Shivaya