TheWhiteRabbit

Im quite new to this. I recently found this website while looking for another one to help out family members of alcoholics. My mom has been drinking since before I was born. Im the oldest and 22. My brother is 18. My mother's girlfriend has been trying since i was in highschool to help us realize her serious drinking problem and recently is has erupted. She is a closet drinker. She is VERY stubborn, and has almost lost us all. My brother moved across the country and refuses to call. He has had it. He hides his feelings but deep down I am truly starting to believe he hates her. I know that is a strong word, but my brothers feelings have always been nothing but strong.
I am almost ready to throw in the towel myself. I live far away and my mother thinks we left because of her. We didnt. She doesnt call, she is a teacher to special needs and autistic children. She loves her job, but drinks before going to work, drinks when doing one on one with these children. She is risking so many lives but wont hear it. I recently poured my heart out in an email, (the only way i could say all i needed to without fear of being hung up on or interupted) and all I got in return was an email stating that my words are influenced by others. How do I break the stubborness and denial of a 22+ veteran of closet drinking? She is tearing us all apart! Her partner is only doing whats best and it kills her to know that we support Lauri over her. We support Lauri because we know she is doing whats best! Please someone just tell me Im not alone in this. I hate the feeling I have when I think about my relationship with my own mother, and my fear of turning out to be as nasty as her.

Barbara52

Welcome. I hope you find some of the help you are seeking in here.

You don't. I'm sorry to say that but you cannot make your mother understand, you cannot make her change, you cannot make her see reality as you see it.

I grew up with alcoholic parents. They never admitted to their alcoholism as I was growing up and living with them. My father finally admitted it when I was in my 30s. My mother never has. I hated them at times. I came to accept them as they were and did love them. But I did not accept or tolerate their behaviors.

One of the best things you can do is get information concerning alcoholism and its effects on you. You can work at understanding what you have learned thru living with an alcoholic and what you can do to help yourself thru what ever is coming.

splendra

Welcome to Sober Recovery! As far as your mom goes you have stated how you feel and if she thinks you have been influenced by others opinions of her situation well that's on her. She may eventually get jammed up at work or caught driving under the influence.

Do what's good for you! Being a mom myself I think you ought to call her because she is your mom. Her partner probably needs to get some help for herself. Everyone in your family could get some good info and support at Alanon meetings.

My parents are both addict/alcoholics my dad died several years ago and my mom is still living. I stay in touch with her and call her often we do not discuss her addiction unless she brings it up. It is not worth it to try to force her to see my point of view because hers is the only one she will see at this point in time.

I have cut her off many times because of her addiction but it did not make her stop I have done a lot of pleading with her over the years as well. My mom is getting older so I want to be able to say hello and check in on her. I would feel awful if when she dies that I hadn't spoken to her recently or had been trying to control the out come of her addiction which by the way makes everyone miserable.

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us!

No you are not alone in this! Many have suffered with parent/s, sibilings, spouses, children..it is a difficult heart wrenching disease. We can only change/fix/help ourselves to educate ourselves on the disease. And also know that helping ourselves deal with the disease is the best way to handle it!

I grew up with 3 A brothers (Still drinking) and a father (passed away) and the best thing that I have learned through Al-Anon, counseling, SR and of course my HP is to let go in a loving way-it has been a hard process but, I feel I have learned a lot about choices and it is their choice to drink. Not mine!

Check out the stickies at the top of the forum as there are many great books out there-and not sure if you have checked out Al-Anon or ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and of course keep posting here!

to you!

katie44

Hi there, my mother was an alcoholic. I was not raised in an alcoholic enviroment however she started at the age 40 by that time I had moved out. She too was a closet alcoholic it did catch up with her he lost her job, her marriage, her home. We begged her to stop, we sent her to private rehabs nothing worked. It was her journey. You can not control her alcoholism, when she is ready to reach out for help she will. They can be quite cunning and tell you what you want to hear eg. Im okay, Im not hurting anyone. I cut my mother off as I did not want my children exposed to her drinking. Still didnt make her stop. You cant' break the stubborness and denial of her drinking. My mother stopped drinking when she had a diagnosis of cirrosis 4 years ago, she passed away at 64 years old 12 months ago. Those 4 years of sobriety were not good ones because she was ill. She did not attend AA, she never tried to make amends all she would say is how many years she wasted, but still did not take responsibility for her previous actions. Her bottom was a horrible illness. Each and every one of them it is different for them. I did call her over the years because she was my mother and I loved her. I always thought what if something happens to her I could not live with knowing that I had cut her out completely. I was with her when she passed away she had fallen in to a coma. Im glad I was there. It has been a year I am at peace knowing that she is at peace. It is a powerful addiction that is so far out of our control. I'm sure your brother does not hate her, he hates what the addiction has done to the family and its his way of coping. My sister behaved the same way she totally disowned my mother, even the sobriety years. When our mother passed away she was devestated she still is. I believe it is anger over the addiction, and not being able to make ammends with her. I did not enable my mother, but I did call her. You need to do what feels right for you. Truly she is not trying to hurt the family, she is an addict. I know I have written a long posting what I am trying to tell you is that there is nothing you or your family can do to get through to her.