Need help!! Ultimatum/Boundary??????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3
Need help!! Ultimatum/Boundary??????
Third time I tried to post.
I've been married to AH 17 years have 13 year old twins.
10 years ago AH got into scuffle with neighbors kid over parking and kid suckered my ah and broke his face. My AH was drinking that day. Took kid to court and kid got probation. Through the years kid and family have taunted my AH and my AH did the same to them.
Throughout the years my AH has wanted us to sell the house and move away from kid and family. I have at times wanted to move but the house needs to be finished for us to make a big enough profit to be able to afford a new house so I always dragged my feet about selling.
In January AH was drinking and slashed kids tires. AH got arrested and had to go to court. Has to pay restitution by Friday. Kid is out more now taunting AH.
AH is adamant now about selling the house and all of us moving or he would just move out. I would like to sell but I don't feel that moving away from family next door would solve our problems.
I would like to tell AH before I put house on market he needs to stop drinking and recover. He basically stays down in the basement while I tend to the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc.
Is this wrong? Giving him an ultimatum. I don't want to move and have the same problems as we do now. He thinks that moving will solve them all. Isn't this an ultimatum?????
I have tried alanon and that's not for me. I am in therapy now but I think I need a new one. I working on detaching but sometimes I fall a few steps back like I did last night. I talked with him while he was drinking and today I am sick to my stomach about what he was saying and what my future holds.
Thanks for reading and any help would be appreciated!!!!
I've been married to AH 17 years have 13 year old twins.
10 years ago AH got into scuffle with neighbors kid over parking and kid suckered my ah and broke his face. My AH was drinking that day. Took kid to court and kid got probation. Through the years kid and family have taunted my AH and my AH did the same to them.
Throughout the years my AH has wanted us to sell the house and move away from kid and family. I have at times wanted to move but the house needs to be finished for us to make a big enough profit to be able to afford a new house so I always dragged my feet about selling.
In January AH was drinking and slashed kids tires. AH got arrested and had to go to court. Has to pay restitution by Friday. Kid is out more now taunting AH.
AH is adamant now about selling the house and all of us moving or he would just move out. I would like to sell but I don't feel that moving away from family next door would solve our problems.
I would like to tell AH before I put house on market he needs to stop drinking and recover. He basically stays down in the basement while I tend to the kids, cooking, cleaning, etc.
Is this wrong? Giving him an ultimatum. I don't want to move and have the same problems as we do now. He thinks that moving will solve them all. Isn't this an ultimatum?????
I have tried alanon and that's not for me. I am in therapy now but I think I need a new one. I working on detaching but sometimes I fall a few steps back like I did last night. I talked with him while he was drinking and today I am sick to my stomach about what he was saying and what my future holds.
Thanks for reading and any help would be appreciated!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Well, yeah it's all complicated hey.
Him living in the basement while drinking with kids in the house might not be so bad - they really don't realize it, but they destroy us. Could also just be putting everything on hold - I mean it might all blow up one day.
They do get so malicious when drinking hey? Is the parking in like a security complex where there is parking allocated/extra parkings?
Maybe you could sort it out with them yourself? Or are they the same towards you as ah?
Him living in the basement while drinking with kids in the house might not be so bad - they really don't realize it, but they destroy us. Could also just be putting everything on hold - I mean it might all blow up one day.
They do get so malicious when drinking hey? Is the parking in like a security complex where there is parking allocated/extra parkings?
Maybe you could sort it out with them yourself? Or are they the same towards you as ah?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3
he spends half his time sleeping in basement and half with me. He stays downstairs and has beers cuz he says he don't want to watch what we are watching upstairs. He is not a drink am till night alcoholic. He is a when he drinks he can't stop till he passes out alcoholic about 3 times a week. He is verbally abusive to me when he drinks.
The parking is on a street and neighbors next door park a couple inches in front of my driveway and he gets angry with them.
No they don't say anything to me or my kids and I won't talk with them. I did that once and AH go angry with me for months.
The parking is on a street and neighbors next door park a couple inches in front of my driveway and he gets angry with them.
No they don't say anything to me or my kids and I won't talk with them. I did that once and AH go angry with me for months.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome uncertain. I hope you find this site as helpful as I have.
Personally I would not make any large financial moves until I knew what I wanted for my future. Selling one ouse and buying another would not be a good thing for me when I was unsure if I wanted to remain married.
I know its difficult but keeping your focus on yourself and what you can do for yourself might help you a lot. If you don't find your therapist helpful, do search for another. It can take a while to find a therapist you really connect with.
Personally I would not make any large financial moves until I knew what I wanted for my future. Selling one ouse and buying another would not be a good thing for me when I was unsure if I wanted to remain married.
I know its difficult but keeping your focus on yourself and what you can do for yourself might help you a lot. If you don't find your therapist helpful, do search for another. It can take a while to find a therapist you really connect with.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
I can understand that hey - that he'd be angry & you not wanting to. We had a similar issue at home & my mom wanted me to speak to them. It's easier said than done.
With having to move out - it's a very difficult decision - as you say, you'll not make enough profit & it would probably anyway not solve the problems as you say. We just signed a contract to sell for almost half of what we could be getting because a dad wants the money....they think irrationally.
How would your ah be reacting towards them if he's not drinking? Would he still be the same? I ask, because if I have to think about my dad - we have a bird that constantly chirps this annoying high-pithed chirp. It is very annoying, but in his irrational mind just wants to use anger...
Is talking to him an option? Sometimes I want my dad to come read some of these posts just so he can get some sort of idea of what he's doing? My dad got very angry at me when I asked him to check it out though.
You're all in my prayers :praying
With having to move out - it's a very difficult decision - as you say, you'll not make enough profit & it would probably anyway not solve the problems as you say. We just signed a contract to sell for almost half of what we could be getting because a dad wants the money....they think irrationally.
How would your ah be reacting towards them if he's not drinking? Would he still be the same? I ask, because if I have to think about my dad - we have a bird that constantly chirps this annoying high-pithed chirp. It is very annoying, but in his irrational mind just wants to use anger...
Is talking to him an option? Sometimes I want my dad to come read some of these posts just so he can get some sort of idea of what he's doing? My dad got very angry at me when I asked him to check it out though.
You're all in my prayers :praying
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by uncertain2008 
10 years ago AH got into scuffle with neighbors kid over parking and kid suckered my ah and broke his face. My AH was drinking that day. Took kid to court and kid got probation. Through the years kid and family have taunted my AH and my AH did the same to them.
In January AH was drinking and slashed kids tires. AH got arrested and had to go to court. Has to pay restitution by Friday. Kid is out more now taunting AH.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
It's interesting to note that AH engages right back with the taunting, which is typical of alcoholic behavior/attitude. It takes two to participate in that sort of childishness.
You are absolutely right in sensing that moving won't remove the problem. I found out that for me, no matter where I went, there I was, and I was the first to get there, alcoholism and all!
My concern is what your children are experiencing. Children do live what they see, and it's not uncommon for children to carry dysfunctional patterns learned in the alcoholic home into their adult lives.
I was married to an alcoholic/addict, and will always carry the guilt with me of what my oldest daughter had to live with the first 8 years of her life. She is now 30 and an active addict/alcoholic, and continues to make poor choices in men, just as I did for so many years.
Dad 'living' in the basement a great deal of the time is not normal, but for your kids, it is normal.
My youngest daughter, fortunately, has been raised for the most part with me in recovery. I did go out and drink again for a period of two months when she was two, and I thank God every day I made it back into recovery.
She is struggling with trying to grow up, and yet still being emotionally immature in so many ways (she will be 20 in June), but she's far ahead of where her sister was at that age. I am a firm believer that the environment a child is raised in can make a difference in a lot of cases.
Just my limited two cents worth
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Wow. I'm sorry that you and your family are dealing with this. Can you put up a fence? Unfortunately, you are powerless to control the neighbor and you are powerless to control your husband. The adult thing to do, of course, would be for one of them to stop the vicious cycle but after ten years.....it doesn't appear that it's going to happen.
I doubt that moving will solve the problem. That's the "easy" solution in your husband's eyes.....which is strange because really.......the easy solution is to ignore the taunting. They are trying to get under his skin and every time he reacts, they win.
good luck. It must be very hard to live with this and feel helpless to solve the problem.
gentle hugs
I doubt that moving will solve the problem. That's the "easy" solution in your husband's eyes.....which is strange because really.......the easy solution is to ignore the taunting. They are trying to get under his skin and every time he reacts, they win.
good luck. It must be very hard to live with this and feel helpless to solve the problem.
gentle hugs
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