Okay Codies..........
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
Sad to say but I've never had a long term relationship with someone without problems (violent sober control freak, high functioning Aspergers and an Alcoholic) so can't comment, The nice guys just seemed to fade away
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Lord, its been way too long since I was last in the dating scene and it won't be happening again anytime soon for me either. I don't want to even think about dating! But I have a few long term friendships with "nice" men. I know there are a lot of them out there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
I really learn something from every relationship. It helps you to know what you really love and what you do not love.
It is important to be the best that you can be so that you can also attract someone who is also trying to be the best that they can be.
I have decided that I really like having God in my life, that I want people in my life who know who to love and be loved, that I want people in my life who are responsible and good people.
It is important to be the best that you can be so that you can also attract someone who is also trying to be the best that they can be.
I have decided that I really like having God in my life, that I want people in my life who know who to love and be loved, that I want people in my life who are responsible and good people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
(laughing) I know it's not funny, but it's funny to think back to the first time, post-XABFs, I met a "nice" guy. I was so suspicious!!! And then I kept trying to find SOMETHING wrong with him. And then for a few weeks I thought there must be something wrong, it felt so unexciting (no drama, no crises). I wondered if I would get bored. I wondered if he was boring, because he'd never blacked out or hit his girlfriend or hated his mom or had horrible family secrets surface. I wondered if he could possibly understand me, not being from the same horrible soup as me.
I slowly - slowwwwwwwly - realized that I WANTED a nice guy, and an honest guy, and a guy who didn't have one tragic addiction/crisis/horrible past after another. I figured I'd learned enough from the other kind. Maybe there was something to be learned there.
Besides, I was strong enough to leave if I needed to. Where was the harm in enjoying it for a while?
Are you able to just enjoy it? What are the feelings you're going through?
I slowly - slowwwwwwwly - realized that I WANTED a nice guy, and an honest guy, and a guy who didn't have one tragic addiction/crisis/horrible past after another. I figured I'd learned enough from the other kind. Maybe there was something to be learned there.
Besides, I was strong enough to leave if I needed to. Where was the harm in enjoying it for a while?
Are you able to just enjoy it? What are the feelings you're going through?
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Well, Richard was a nice guy through and through and he was my only long-term relationship. Prior to that I only dated a few men and only a few dates each. And seeing that I haven't started dating since his death, I have no experience or advice to share.
But just wanted to say that anytime I make a change in life, there's always a bit of discomfort in the beginning. It takes time for me to feel comfortable in new situations and relationships. One day soon I hope to get my "groove" back. I just don't have an overwhelming urge to do so yet. I think that means that I'm just not ready for a relationship yet. Besides, I'm having too much fun getting to know myself. I don't want to get distracted by men at this time. And, boy, can they be distracting, especially when they're naked (did I just say that???).
But just wanted to say that anytime I make a change in life, there's always a bit of discomfort in the beginning. It takes time for me to feel comfortable in new situations and relationships. One day soon I hope to get my "groove" back. I just don't have an overwhelming urge to do so yet. I think that means that I'm just not ready for a relationship yet. Besides, I'm having too much fun getting to know myself. I don't want to get distracted by men at this time. And, boy, can they be distracting, especially when they're naked (did I just say that???).
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hahahahha that's good FD............
Well one of the feelings was anxiety because he kept offering to come and do some work I need done at my house..............but it felt like too much for just having met, (two dates) didn't feel like it was the place to go right now, so I very nicely set a boundary and told him I was uncomfortable with that and felt it wasn't a good idea at this time. And he said he understands, so good on him.
I realized yesterday that part of MY problem is I need to practice setting boundaries with men. Not setting boundaries contributes to my feelings of being strangled and smothered.
Anyways I'll hire a neutral handyman and get my things done.
Ngaire
Well one of the feelings was anxiety because he kept offering to come and do some work I need done at my house..............but it felt like too much for just having met, (two dates) didn't feel like it was the place to go right now, so I very nicely set a boundary and told him I was uncomfortable with that and felt it wasn't a good idea at this time. And he said he understands, so good on him.
I realized yesterday that part of MY problem is I need to practice setting boundaries with men. Not setting boundaries contributes to my feelings of being strangled and smothered.
Anyways I'll hire a neutral handyman and get my things done.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Earthworm-
Hey! I think it is very interesting that the first thing that happened that made you uncomfortable was him offering to do something for you.
Let me say first of all I think you setting a boundary and politely refusing his "handyman" offer is all good - I'm not questioning that at all.
But it did remind me of when I started unlearning codie behavior and started dating and the hardest thing for me to accept was HELP! I was suspicious of it - like, is it "I'll fool her" behavior? I was just plain uncomfortable with it - "I can handle this myself." (like everything, always).
When I met my current fella - we went very slowly - but even after a year I would say "no" to him offering to do some grocery shopping or laundry for us -EVEN though I was maxed out timewise and stressing. I'd still be like - "No that's Ok, I'll do it"....and he would just look at me like - You're nuts Bernie!
And I was. Partially nuts. But I was working on changing (thank you AlAnon, books, therapy, SR!!!)...
Meanwhile I'm running around single-mom, working, the whole nine, my kid's father had moved to South America(!), and yet I still found time to make a nice dinner for my boyfriend, or run an errand for him, or go out of my way to do something nice for him....but I STUBBORNLY wouldn't accept those things from him!
It took time and trust and him finally getting fed up and saying like - hey are we partners here or not? LET ME do that for YOU! And so I did. And not in my former codie way of letting the man do something but only if he does it "my" way.
What a relief to let that all go. But ALSO what a huge new responsibility I had.
Like, was this what I was avoiding all those years by focusing on the A's in my life instead of myself? I had to accept help, I had to be gracious about accepting help, I had to accept that there was more than one way to do something, I had to accept that I couldn't walk around huffing and puffing because "I have to do everything around here!!" I couldn't look at my dreams and my goals anymore and say - "well it's Ok you haven't gotten there yet Bernie because LOOK at all that you are carrying all by yourself!!!" By accepting help from a very present partner I had to REALLY own my own SH*T!!! It was a huge change.
He still laughs at me and says, man you are so easy - because I am always thrilled when he steps up to the plate - takes something on and sees it through - shows up on time, apologizes without drama when he screws something up, thanks me for doing things for him, etc (in other words acts like a normal responsible loving honest adult). He's always like - "Girl, this is normal - you think I'm special - I'm NORMAL - just doing what you're supposed to do for the woman you love!!"
We have our issues, some are big, some are just annoying typical little things, but we do our best with those - stay respectful, honest, etc. We are good friends.
Anyway - my advice is just go slow. And certainly we have a responsibilty to be wary of the classic codie fall for Prince Charming who then becomes a sweaty warty alcoholic/addict toad. Protect yourself - but at some point when you feel safe - you have to lower the drawbridge or you'll be missing out or WORSE you'll be building yet another lopsided and unhealthy relationship.
Peace,
B.
Hey! I think it is very interesting that the first thing that happened that made you uncomfortable was him offering to do something for you.
Let me say first of all I think you setting a boundary and politely refusing his "handyman" offer is all good - I'm not questioning that at all.
But it did remind me of when I started unlearning codie behavior and started dating and the hardest thing for me to accept was HELP! I was suspicious of it - like, is it "I'll fool her" behavior? I was just plain uncomfortable with it - "I can handle this myself." (like everything, always).
When I met my current fella - we went very slowly - but even after a year I would say "no" to him offering to do some grocery shopping or laundry for us -EVEN though I was maxed out timewise and stressing. I'd still be like - "No that's Ok, I'll do it"....and he would just look at me like - You're nuts Bernie!
And I was. Partially nuts. But I was working on changing (thank you AlAnon, books, therapy, SR!!!)...
Meanwhile I'm running around single-mom, working, the whole nine, my kid's father had moved to South America(!), and yet I still found time to make a nice dinner for my boyfriend, or run an errand for him, or go out of my way to do something nice for him....but I STUBBORNLY wouldn't accept those things from him!
It took time and trust and him finally getting fed up and saying like - hey are we partners here or not? LET ME do that for YOU! And so I did. And not in my former codie way of letting the man do something but only if he does it "my" way.
What a relief to let that all go. But ALSO what a huge new responsibility I had.
Like, was this what I was avoiding all those years by focusing on the A's in my life instead of myself? I had to accept help, I had to be gracious about accepting help, I had to accept that there was more than one way to do something, I had to accept that I couldn't walk around huffing and puffing because "I have to do everything around here!!" I couldn't look at my dreams and my goals anymore and say - "well it's Ok you haven't gotten there yet Bernie because LOOK at all that you are carrying all by yourself!!!" By accepting help from a very present partner I had to REALLY own my own SH*T!!! It was a huge change.
He still laughs at me and says, man you are so easy - because I am always thrilled when he steps up to the plate - takes something on and sees it through - shows up on time, apologizes without drama when he screws something up, thanks me for doing things for him, etc (in other words acts like a normal responsible loving honest adult). He's always like - "Girl, this is normal - you think I'm special - I'm NORMAL - just doing what you're supposed to do for the woman you love!!"
We have our issues, some are big, some are just annoying typical little things, but we do our best with those - stay respectful, honest, etc. We are good friends.
Anyway - my advice is just go slow. And certainly we have a responsibilty to be wary of the classic codie fall for Prince Charming who then becomes a sweaty warty alcoholic/addict toad. Protect yourself - but at some point when you feel safe - you have to lower the drawbridge or you'll be missing out or WORSE you'll be building yet another lopsided and unhealthy relationship.
Peace,
B.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Thanks for the topic!
I have a thread going as well regarding this topic. I feel the EXACT same way! I met a really nice guy and not sure what my deal is. I think it's because i've never had a "normal" relationship without drama and now that i've been talking/seeing him for a few weeks i'm wondering what's wrong with him. Like Givelove mentioned, I too wonder if I will be bored because there's no daily knot in my stomach of what will happen next!!! But i think it's the bordem we would welcome after what we have all been through
I keep thinking there's something wrong because he treats me well and there's no chaos....go figure!!!
I have a thread going as well regarding this topic. I feel the EXACT same way! I met a really nice guy and not sure what my deal is. I think it's because i've never had a "normal" relationship without drama and now that i've been talking/seeing him for a few weeks i'm wondering what's wrong with him. Like Givelove mentioned, I too wonder if I will be bored because there's no daily knot in my stomach of what will happen next!!! But i think it's the bordem we would welcome after what we have all been through
I keep thinking there's something wrong because he treats me well and there's no chaos....go figure!!!
Last edited by hbb; 04-15-2008 at 07:40 AM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It is hard to trust and it is hard to accept the help of someone new when you haven't had that before. I did everything in my power to turn my husband OFF when we were dating. I had a wall built up so tall that NO MAN could tear it down.....or so I thought. He was kind and gentle and understanding and PERSISTENT! I couldn't believe that such a good HANDSOME man would be interested in ME!
That was 24 years ago.......he has taught me what love is. This is really sappy but when we began all those years ago, that was our song....the one by Foreigner. The lyrics fit us both so well. I so hope that all of you find love.
gentle hugs
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when Im older
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Im gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
Ive got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
I cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me
Lets talk about love
I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside
I want you to show me, and Im feeling so much love
I wanna feel what love is, no, you just cannot hide
I know you can show me, yeah
I wanna know what love is, lets talk about love
I want you to show me, I wanna feel it too
I wanna feel what love is, I want to feel it too
And I know and I know, I know you can show me
Show me love is real, yeah
I wanna know what love is...
That was 24 years ago.......he has taught me what love is. This is really sappy but when we began all those years ago, that was our song....the one by Foreigner. The lyrics fit us both so well. I so hope that all of you find love.
gentle hugs
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when Im older
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Im gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
Ive got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
I cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me
Lets talk about love
I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside
I want you to show me, and Im feeling so much love
I wanna feel what love is, no, you just cannot hide
I know you can show me, yeah
I wanna know what love is, lets talk about love
I want you to show me, I wanna feel it too
I wanna feel what love is, I want to feel it too
And I know and I know, I know you can show me
Show me love is real, yeah
I wanna know what love is...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
He still laughs at me and says, man you are so easy - because I am always thrilled when he steps up to the plate - takes something on and sees it through - shows up on time, apologizes without drama when he screws something up, thanks me for doing things for him, etc (in other words acts like a normal responsible loving honest adult). He's always like - "Girl, this is normal - you think I'm special - I'm NORMAL - just doing what you're supposed to do for the woman you love!!"
Originally Posted by Bernadette
And certainly we have a responsibilty to be wary of the classic codie fall for Prince Charming who then becomes a sweaty warty alcoholic/addict toad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Earthworm
How do you handle the nice guys/girls when they come along?
Me it's making me nervous. What about you?
Ngaire
Me it's making me nervous. What about you?
Ngaire
So, nothing to get nervous about!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I started dating "Norm" (my normal bf) last year. Bless his heart, I have broken up with the man 3 times. We are giving it another try, because we really do love each other and are incredibly compatible. He just has this habit of opening his mouth and having (one of) my creepy exes come out! I run like h*ll in the other direction until I can relax, think about things and realize he was just talking, but he's NOT one of those other guys. He's a sweet, smart, considerate, kind, balanced man who loves me.
We are going to see a counselor, and it's been good. The counselor says it's good that I can realize its really not NORM who is the problem, but just some old stuff that gets triggered from time to time.
I trust him completely. He IS a man, after all, so there are some quirks LOL but overall its good. The important thing is to have patience and communicate well.
Good luck!
We are going to see a counselor, and it's been good. The counselor says it's good that I can realize its really not NORM who is the problem, but just some old stuff that gets triggered from time to time.
I trust him completely. He IS a man, after all, so there are some quirks LOL but overall its good. The important thing is to have patience and communicate well.
Good luck!
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
HAHAHHA Earthworm!
I laugh because I go through this every time I get near a certain gentleman. He really is a gentleman and it freaks me out. Maybe because liking nice guys and liking someone NOT because they simply like me is a novel thing?
People see that I like him and I get constant reminders on how we'd make the best couple...I give excuses and push him away. I'm enjoying things and just don't want anything more complicated right now. I don't consider myself "available" yet, even though I've been single for over a year.
I guess I'm comfortable with window shopping for the time being...but whenever we cross paths I keep thinking how it would be nice to hang out with someone like him...when I'm ready I'll take the plunge I will, but not quite yet
I laugh because I go through this every time I get near a certain gentleman. He really is a gentleman and it freaks me out. Maybe because liking nice guys and liking someone NOT because they simply like me is a novel thing?
People see that I like him and I get constant reminders on how we'd make the best couple...I give excuses and push him away. I'm enjoying things and just don't want anything more complicated right now. I don't consider myself "available" yet, even though I've been single for over a year.
I guess I'm comfortable with window shopping for the time being...but whenever we cross paths I keep thinking how it would be nice to hang out with someone like him...when I'm ready I'll take the plunge I will, but not quite yet
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I don't feel ready for a relationship right now either in fact I know I'm not ready I like being single.
I'm awful.............I'm supposed to go out with him tonight and I really don't care if I do or not. sssiiiggghhh
Ngaire
I'm awful.............I'm supposed to go out with him tonight and I really don't care if I do or not. sssiiiggghhh
Ngaire
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I had heard a codie call and had to stop in
For years after my first divorce I found myself bored with the "nice" guy. It seems I had equated drama with passion and chaos with unbridled love.
I eventually grew out of that but had an experience or two with someone who wanted to "help" me out right off the bat. In both cases, what they were looking to do is make me feel obligated to them. Of course that sent me down another path of suspicion when it came to the "nice" guys.
I now date a nice guy, who conveniently comes with his own scars, more than one piece of baggage, andn a sweet smile to boot. And he adores me...that certainly doesn't hurt.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't waited until I was in my 40s to find him. But most of the time I believe that we both needed to grow into who we are to even have a shot.
For years after my first divorce I found myself bored with the "nice" guy. It seems I had equated drama with passion and chaos with unbridled love.
I eventually grew out of that but had an experience or two with someone who wanted to "help" me out right off the bat. In both cases, what they were looking to do is make me feel obligated to them. Of course that sent me down another path of suspicion when it came to the "nice" guys.
I now date a nice guy, who conveniently comes with his own scars, more than one piece of baggage, andn a sweet smile to boot. And he adores me...that certainly doesn't hurt.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't waited until I was in my 40s to find him. But most of the time I believe that we both needed to grow into who we are to even have a shot.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
