Back again and more confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kent, washington
Posts: 15
Back again and more confused
Well I have stuck out the bad relationship in hopes of change. We have made it past the two years mark. I can't deal with it anymore. I am done. I am tired of the fights, the insults, the accuastions, the threats, I can't do it anymore. I am emotionally and phyiscally exhausted all the time.
I thought I had found a way out. My lease is up where WE live. I told him that we are not moving in again together. That I want to break up. He starts crying and begging saying that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me.
**Some quick back history***
He hasn't been working for 6 months. Drinks start at about 1pm and don't end till he passes out. Along with the drinkings is weed and any sort of pain pill he can get his hands on. He used to be violent but now he is druged up all the time and just doesn't have the energy to raise his hand.
*******
He says that if i leave him that he has no where to go. Family wont help they have pulled him out of a hole too many times before because he has no money he says he will have to go to a half way house and he will lose all his stuff. When he starts thinking about that he says he might as well go jump off a bridge. Says that he wants to marry me just can't do it now doesn't have the money. I don't know what to do.
I don't want him with me but I still care for him through all the problems and I don't want to see him in a half way house or in the streets I just don't want him with me. It's killing me going through this I have been crying for days i am completely exhausted. Please any advice anything at all will be appreciated. I just can't do this alone anymore.
:help
I thought I had found a way out. My lease is up where WE live. I told him that we are not moving in again together. That I want to break up. He starts crying and begging saying that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me.
**Some quick back history***
He hasn't been working for 6 months. Drinks start at about 1pm and don't end till he passes out. Along with the drinkings is weed and any sort of pain pill he can get his hands on. He used to be violent but now he is druged up all the time and just doesn't have the energy to raise his hand.
*******
He says that if i leave him that he has no where to go. Family wont help they have pulled him out of a hole too many times before because he has no money he says he will have to go to a half way house and he will lose all his stuff. When he starts thinking about that he says he might as well go jump off a bridge. Says that he wants to marry me just can't do it now doesn't have the money. I don't know what to do.
I don't want him with me but I still care for him through all the problems and I don't want to see him in a half way house or in the streets I just don't want him with me. It's killing me going through this I have been crying for days i am completely exhausted. Please any advice anything at all will be appreciated. I just can't do this alone anymore.
:help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kent, washington
Posts: 15
The other thing he keeps saying is that he wants a chance once we were to get into the new place to find a job and to sober up and pay me back for all that i have done for him. He does keep the apartment clean and makes me dinner most of the time but all the other problems just doesn't make it an equal relationship in anyway. I am working 50.hrs a week to pay the bills right now while he sits on his ass. He claims that if i say for him to leave he will but then the tears start and the begging and i just can't stand it. and i have nobody here to help me with this. i have been just currled up sleeping on my bed all weekend and today doing nothing just trying to figure out what to do.. i feel like i am loosing it right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya ShudI,
((((HUGS))))
Sounds like a painful time.
It is a blessing that the move is happening soon.
You are under NO obligation to stay with this man.
You did find a way out - it's called, "I don't want to live with you anymore."
You don't even have to mention the alcohol.
This relationship seems very one-sided - regardless of the alcohol.
You said in your first paragraph:
I am tired of the fights, the insults, the accuastions, the threats, I can't do it anymore. I am emotionally and phyiscally exhausted all the time.
That's not how a good healthy relationship feels.
You called it yourself in your very first sentence:
Well I have stuck out the bad relationship in hopes of change.
You KNOW what the real deal is.
It IS HARD to make a change.
But - if nothing changes then nothing changes.
You can keep your plans to yourself.. You've been living with this situation for two years and you're still alive--that means you are very STRONG! You work super hard and support 2 adults: you are CAPABLE.
It's time to use your strength and capabilties to help the only person you can really help in this situation: YOU!!
If it helps you to feel less guilty understand that by letting him continue to live with you and drink in your house you are actually enabling his disease. I read on here somewhere where a guy asked a sober friend how he finally got sober - and his friend said oh my parents helped me. And he was like oh what'd your parents do? Answer: "They changed the locks!"
Let him feel the weight of his own consequences - maybe he'll seek help for sobriety and HIS UNDERLYING issues as well. Maybe not. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!
Right now - keep the focus on YOU - don't get drawn into any dramatic fights - steer clear of him and GET yourself free.
There is a whole different life out there just waiting for YOU to make it happen!
Take it easy-
Courage!
Peace,
B
((((HUGS))))
Sounds like a painful time.
It is a blessing that the move is happening soon.
You are under NO obligation to stay with this man.
You did find a way out - it's called, "I don't want to live with you anymore."
You don't even have to mention the alcohol.
This relationship seems very one-sided - regardless of the alcohol.
You said in your first paragraph:
I am tired of the fights, the insults, the accuastions, the threats, I can't do it anymore. I am emotionally and phyiscally exhausted all the time.
That's not how a good healthy relationship feels.
You called it yourself in your very first sentence:
Well I have stuck out the bad relationship in hopes of change.
You KNOW what the real deal is.
It IS HARD to make a change.
But - if nothing changes then nothing changes.
You can keep your plans to yourself.. You've been living with this situation for two years and you're still alive--that means you are very STRONG! You work super hard and support 2 adults: you are CAPABLE.
It's time to use your strength and capabilties to help the only person you can really help in this situation: YOU!!
If it helps you to feel less guilty understand that by letting him continue to live with you and drink in your house you are actually enabling his disease. I read on here somewhere where a guy asked a sober friend how he finally got sober - and his friend said oh my parents helped me. And he was like oh what'd your parents do? Answer: "They changed the locks!"
Let him feel the weight of his own consequences - maybe he'll seek help for sobriety and HIS UNDERLYING issues as well. Maybe not. It has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!
Right now - keep the focus on YOU - don't get drawn into any dramatic fights - steer clear of him and GET yourself free.
There is a whole different life out there just waiting for YOU to make it happen!
Take it easy-
Courage!
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
If he's serious about getting sober he can come and find you in a years time after he's sorted himself out and make it up to you. Sorry to sound so harsh but actions speak louder than words. You look after yourself X
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Shudi_85 
He says that if i leave him that he has no where to go. Family wont help they have pulled him out of a hole too many times before because he has no money he says he will have to go to a half way house and he will lose all his stuff. When he starts thinking about that he says he might as well go jump off a bridge. Says that he wants to marry me just can't do it now doesn't have the money. I don't know what to do.
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
He sounds a lot like my AH.
My Ah has been unemployed for near on 3 yrs now. The last year of my marriage consisted of AH sleeping the day away, getting up around 3, starting drinking around 4, getting drunk every night and doing not much of anything about anything.
Since I left him, he had managed to talk his 87 yr old mother in supporting him financially but she is apparently getting close to cutting off the funds. He could indeed find a job but for whatever reasons chooses not too. He whines about having to pay the utilities in the house even those he's the one living there.
If the house goes into foreclosure, he will have no where to go. If it sells, he'll be able perhaps to rent a place by paying a year's rent up front since no one is going to rent him a place when he has no job.
Whatever happens, it will be because of his choices and the consequences of those choices. I will not rescue him from his situation because reality still isn't sinking in for them man. He made promises out the wazoo while I was still with him. He followed through on none of them. He remains comfortable where he is for now. Maybe someday he'll reach the point where he admits to his alcoholism and move toward recovery and a better life for himself. But maybe not.
All I know is I cannot do it for him. I don't have that kind of power. Nor do I want it.
My Ah has been unemployed for near on 3 yrs now. The last year of my marriage consisted of AH sleeping the day away, getting up around 3, starting drinking around 4, getting drunk every night and doing not much of anything about anything.
Since I left him, he had managed to talk his 87 yr old mother in supporting him financially but she is apparently getting close to cutting off the funds. He could indeed find a job but for whatever reasons chooses not too. He whines about having to pay the utilities in the house even those he's the one living there.
If the house goes into foreclosure, he will have no where to go. If it sells, he'll be able perhaps to rent a place by paying a year's rent up front since no one is going to rent him a place when he has no job.
Whatever happens, it will be because of his choices and the consequences of those choices. I will not rescue him from his situation because reality still isn't sinking in for them man. He made promises out the wazoo while I was still with him. He followed through on none of them. He remains comfortable where he is for now. Maybe someday he'll reach the point where he admits to his alcoholism and move toward recovery and a better life for himself. But maybe not.
All I know is I cannot do it for him. I don't have that kind of power. Nor do I want it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by Shudi_85
I can't do it anymore. I am emotionally and phyiscally exhausted all the time.
Originally Posted by Shudi_85
I don't know what to do.
It appears to me you can more than take care of yourself.
"I don't know what to do" says to me you are allowing this man to leech off of you and manipulate you with his childish whining.
I'm sorry, but I don't have any sympathy for someone who totally messes up their life and takes no responsibility for doing so. I was married to someone like this once. I walked out at 11 a.m. on a Sunday night and I never looked back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by Shudi_85
The other thing he keeps saying is that he wants a chance once we were to get into the new place to find a job and to sober up and pay me back for all that i have done for him.
Originally Posted by Shudi_85
I am working 50.hrs a week to pay the bills right now while he sits on his ass. He claims that if i say for him to leave he will but then the tears start and the begging and i just can't stand it. and i have nobody here to help me with this.
Yeah, my exAH cried rivers of tears when I cut off the funds and told him I was leaving. When the tears didn't work, he decided to get physical. I am speaking from experience; if playing on your sympathies does not work, he could get ugly - and physical.
Who needs this crap. So let him end up in a halfway house. He may hit bottom, sober up, and actually grow up.
I think you should start looking at why you would support an addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kent, washington
Posts: 15
I just want to thank all of you for being honest and giving me some support. It's really hard to do this without having anybody here to talk to. I knew it was a bad relationship. All of my friends have left me. Me and my family have nothing to do with eachother and it kills me to do this to him. I stood my ground i told him that he was not coming with me he cried and cried and then last night he eventually just gave in. He went in the other room currled up on the couch with a bottle and went to sleep crying. It hurts soooo much to see him like that. I just want to go in there and put my arms around him and tell him that he needs help and that i will help him get it but i know that i have done that too many times already. I am moving on friday the 25th. He does't know where i am going all he knows is a i have new place.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
shudi
You sound like you are standing strong even though you are hurting terribly. That's a good thing. He has been holding you hostage with fear. He knows exactly what to do and say to manipulate you. They all seem to use the same play book.
Many of us have felt the things you are feeling and we do understand your heartache. But those of us who have faced our own fear of "what will happen if" and conquered it, know how much better it feels when we move on and stop the insanity.
You are in the most difficult stage right now. The preparation to leave is a very confusing time. You know it's the right thing to do for YOU but you can't help second guessing the decision and mourning the end of the relationship. IMHO those are honest emotions.
It does get better.
gentle hugs
You sound like you are standing strong even though you are hurting terribly. That's a good thing. He has been holding you hostage with fear. He knows exactly what to do and say to manipulate you. They all seem to use the same play book.
Many of us have felt the things you are feeling and we do understand your heartache. But those of us who have faced our own fear of "what will happen if" and conquered it, know how much better it feels when we move on and stop the insanity.
You are in the most difficult stage right now. The preparation to leave is a very confusing time. You know it's the right thing to do for YOU but you can't help second guessing the decision and mourning the end of the relationship. IMHO those are honest emotions.
It does get better.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by Shudi_85
he cried and cried and then last night he eventually just gave in. He went in the other room currled up on the couch with a bottle and went to sleep crying.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Johannesburg South Africa
Posts: 61
I read this yesterday....
An alcoholic in recovery (for years) says to someone:
It is only thanks to my Ex girfriend that I became sober
Why is this?
Because she kicked me out.....
Be strong you will be happy, things happen for a reason, we just don't know always why (but will know it later)
Take care of yourself!
An alcoholic in recovery (for years) says to someone:
It is only thanks to my Ex girfriend that I became sober
Why is this?
Because she kicked me out.....
Be strong you will be happy, things happen for a reason, we just don't know always why (but will know it later)
Take care of yourself!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Ignore his tears. They aren't genuine. They are crocodile tears meant to manipulate you and play on your emotions. So far his manipulations are working because you're beside yourself with worry and wanting to throw your arms around him out of guilt. This man has been using you for two years and you want to hug him! See how his manipulations work?
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