He threw me a curve
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He threw me a curve
So, lately I've been quietly sitting on things. I've wanted to listen to my inner voice- get real about what I want. For anyone who doesn't know- my AH and I have been separated for 8 months. He left out of the blue thinking I'd wake up to what a great guy he is and want him to come back- warts and all. Thing is, I did wake up. I hit bottom and realized how chaotic my life had been trying to live with him. I realized at that time that I was part of the problem, that I have issues from childhood that needed to be addressed. I am going to counseling and feel I'm getting stronger every day.
My AH also had two emotional affairs that he seemed unwilling to deal with. He blamed me for everything, and with this most recent one- with a co-worker- let me know he was attracted to her, she's attractive and he didn't know what to do about it, if things don't work out between us he'd probably ask her out- all very hurtful and showing me very clearly that his feet were not planted in this marriage. I had resigned myself to the reality that nothing with this man was his fault, and there was going to be no addressing of the impact of his alcoholism and these affairs on me/our marriage. I've felt very alone, hurt, sad, frustrated and angry.
In the meantime I was left to take care of a house I cannot afford, a child who I need to be a good mom to (in the midst of this emotional trauma), a dog, and the reality that the only thing changing was me. In 8 months my AH has shown very little remorse, sadness, no fear- if anything he's been very arrogant with a sense of entitlement that amazes me. I've adjusted to living alone. I bought a car with a lower monthly payment, I've gotten the paperwork filled out for a divorce, I've talked to a realtor about selling our house, I work, go to school, and teach. I'm living my life and trying to accept this.
Out of nowhere last night he decides to talk- after dumping 5 counselors that were initiated by me- I have tried- oh how I've tried. Finally after 8 long months of blaming me for everything he acknowledged <some> of the pain he's caused me. It was couched with his usual blaming, though. I listened and tried very hard to be calm- and did very well. But I was trying to get ready to go teach, so there wasn't much time to talk. In thinking about it I am realizing there was no meat to his talking. It was sort of like quacking, but tinged with a little bit of trying to make me see he doesn't want a divorce- BUT he's not willing to make any changes in himself. There was nothing really substantial- just enough to screw me up a little. I don't think 8 mos. ago I could have seen/or heard it for what it is. . . the same old, same old. I think I am airing this to help me think about it- as well as to get some feedback. Have any of you had to deal with this waffling- well, I know you have. I just need some support- some words that let me know I'm really not alone. I am so tired of this. I'm angry for all the crap that's been dropped in my lap. After 17 years I know I deserve better. Take alcohol out of the picture and the emotional affairs alone are reason enough for me to move on. I am doing what I can to move forward- and I know I am stronger, but sometimes that sad, little person inside me gets hooked into his quacking. I'm just sick and tired of the emotional toll. Thanks. . . Paj
My AH also had two emotional affairs that he seemed unwilling to deal with. He blamed me for everything, and with this most recent one- with a co-worker- let me know he was attracted to her, she's attractive and he didn't know what to do about it, if things don't work out between us he'd probably ask her out- all very hurtful and showing me very clearly that his feet were not planted in this marriage. I had resigned myself to the reality that nothing with this man was his fault, and there was going to be no addressing of the impact of his alcoholism and these affairs on me/our marriage. I've felt very alone, hurt, sad, frustrated and angry.
In the meantime I was left to take care of a house I cannot afford, a child who I need to be a good mom to (in the midst of this emotional trauma), a dog, and the reality that the only thing changing was me. In 8 months my AH has shown very little remorse, sadness, no fear- if anything he's been very arrogant with a sense of entitlement that amazes me. I've adjusted to living alone. I bought a car with a lower monthly payment, I've gotten the paperwork filled out for a divorce, I've talked to a realtor about selling our house, I work, go to school, and teach. I'm living my life and trying to accept this.
Out of nowhere last night he decides to talk- after dumping 5 counselors that were initiated by me- I have tried- oh how I've tried. Finally after 8 long months of blaming me for everything he acknowledged <some> of the pain he's caused me. It was couched with his usual blaming, though. I listened and tried very hard to be calm- and did very well. But I was trying to get ready to go teach, so there wasn't much time to talk. In thinking about it I am realizing there was no meat to his talking. It was sort of like quacking, but tinged with a little bit of trying to make me see he doesn't want a divorce- BUT he's not willing to make any changes in himself. There was nothing really substantial- just enough to screw me up a little. I don't think 8 mos. ago I could have seen/or heard it for what it is. . . the same old, same old. I think I am airing this to help me think about it- as well as to get some feedback. Have any of you had to deal with this waffling- well, I know you have. I just need some support- some words that let me know I'm really not alone. I am so tired of this. I'm angry for all the crap that's been dropped in my lap. After 17 years I know I deserve better. Take alcohol out of the picture and the emotional affairs alone are reason enough for me to move on. I am doing what I can to move forward- and I know I am stronger, but sometimes that sad, little person inside me gets hooked into his quacking. I'm just sick and tired of the emotional toll. Thanks. . . Paj
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Yeah, the quacking leaks in to my awareness now and then. I have to communicate with AH due to the sale of the hosue and the divorce. His usual habit is to ignore my emails regarding everything and not responding directly. If it involves the house, he copies our agent (and friend) and drops in whiny comments about he needs money from me to pay for X. If I write trying to get him to agree to a settlement agreement (I'm trying to do the paper work myself to save a few hundred bucks) he just ignores it all. Even though I point out that without a settlement agreement any potential equity goes into an escrow account and that he needs the money a whole bunch more than I do. I no longer get any quacking about how he knows he's made mistakes (that only lasted a month or so before he moved on to his 1st new "love").
At any rate he quacks about the poor little me stuff. He seems to enjoy wallowing in what he sees as his victimhood. I ignore it. He's moved on to a 2nd new "love" but won't do what needs to be done to end our marriage. I continue to move forward. My next step is to write an agreement and give it to him for his signature. If he doesn't I'll have to hire an attorney and let them get the wheels moving.
At any rate he quacks about the poor little me stuff. He seems to enjoy wallowing in what he sees as his victimhood. I ignore it. He's moved on to a 2nd new "love" but won't do what needs to be done to end our marriage. I continue to move forward. My next step is to write an agreement and give it to him for his signature. If he doesn't I'll have to hire an attorney and let them get the wheels moving.
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Originally Posted by Pajarito 
Take alcohol out of the picture and the emotional affairs alone are reason enough for me to move on.
Don't beat yourself up about feeling emotional when (it sounds like) he came over with the express purpose of manipulating you emotionally.
Feel it. That's okay. You have good tools to deal with his stuff.
And, as I'm sure you know, him wanting to be married doesn't make one lick of difference. He can want all day long, but until he's willing to take responsibility for the mistakes that he's made and the ways in which he's hurt you, it really doesn't seem like there's any reason for you to consider what he "wants". What do you want? Has he considered that?
I'm wishing you peace.
-TC
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Originally Posted by Pajarito
It was couched with his usual blaming,
a little bit of trying to make me see he doesn't want a divorce- BUT he's not willing to make any changes in himself.
a little bit of trying to make me see he doesn't want a divorce- BUT he's not willing to make any changes in himself.
The emotional roller coaster can be difficult. I did get to the other side, where nothing AH might say would make me doubt myself, but it took a long time.
Just because someone throws me the ball, curve or not, I do not have to catch it. I do not have to play.
(((paj))) This too shall pass.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
(((Paj)))
Sorry you are having a difficult time. You are not alone! I think we all have setbacks. I know I do! But if you keep doing what you are doing, in 8 more months your life will be settled in many differnt ways and you'll be even less likely to get hooked in when he does stuff like this.
Sorry you are having a difficult time. You are not alone! I think we all have setbacks. I know I do! But if you keep doing what you are doing, in 8 more months your life will be settled in many differnt ways and you'll be even less likely to get hooked in when he does stuff like this.
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Originally Posted by ToughChoices
And, as I'm sure you know, him wanting to be married doesn't make one lick of difference. He can want all day long, but until he's willing to take responsibility for the mistakes that he's made and the ways in which he's hurt you, it really doesn't seem like there's any reason for you to consider what he "wants". What do you want? Has he considered that?
I'm wishing you peace.
-TC
I'm wishing you peace.
-TC
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
((((((Paj)))))
You're such a strong person. You have a lot of tools to deal with his manipulation games. As I read your post, I noticed how you seem truly confident and honest with yourself. Souinds like you know what YOU want and you know what it's going to take for you to get there!
You're such a strong person. You have a lot of tools to deal with his manipulation games. As I read your post, I noticed how you seem truly confident and honest with yourself. Souinds like you know what YOU want and you know what it's going to take for you to get there!
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Originally Posted by denny57
The emotional roller coaster can be difficult. I did get to the other side, where nothing AH might say would make me doubt myself, but it took a long time.
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(((Paj))) sorry your going through this with him. It amazes me that they can say and do whatever they want and never think about what we are going through in all of this. Your recovery is certainly shining...your doing great! We all have these days and you are certainly not alone!
big hugs to you! :ghug3
big hugs to you! :ghug3
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Jeez Louise.
What is it with this seemingly endless emotional chess-game that we get stuck (or drawn back into) playing with these AH's? If you take Denny's statment about choosing NOT to play, along with ToughChoice's thing on "wanting but not doing anything about it" - - that's pretty much the whole answer right there.
The problem (for me anyway) is getting repeatedly hooked back into my own vision of the "dream", despite all evidence to the contrary. I can journal you a long list of crimes my AH has committed against our marriage over the past 2 years when he left sobriety for active alcoholism. I can read it over and over until I'm furious and ready to throw all his sh!t on the front lawn and water it in thoroughly. Then walk back into the living room and take one look at our wedding portrait hanging on the wall.....and I'm instantly screwed/stupid.
I see us standing there all pretty and sober (together), his sponsor right beside him as his best man, and the ensuing 7-8 years of relative stability and happiness. If you take it from LaTee or Prodigal, that picture is really just a framed image of me and a "dead" guy. But my codependent/enabling desire to see that old dream resurrected is just as strong as his addiction. It's taking all I've got to fight the lie.
Anyway, don't listen to words. Let his actions be your guide, and if there are none forthcoming - - it looks like you all won't be going anywhere together. Right?
D9
What is it with this seemingly endless emotional chess-game that we get stuck (or drawn back into) playing with these AH's? If you take Denny's statment about choosing NOT to play, along with ToughChoice's thing on "wanting but not doing anything about it" - - that's pretty much the whole answer right there.
The problem (for me anyway) is getting repeatedly hooked back into my own vision of the "dream", despite all evidence to the contrary. I can journal you a long list of crimes my AH has committed against our marriage over the past 2 years when he left sobriety for active alcoholism. I can read it over and over until I'm furious and ready to throw all his sh!t on the front lawn and water it in thoroughly. Then walk back into the living room and take one look at our wedding portrait hanging on the wall.....and I'm instantly screwed/stupid.
I see us standing there all pretty and sober (together), his sponsor right beside him as his best man, and the ensuing 7-8 years of relative stability and happiness. If you take it from LaTee or Prodigal, that picture is really just a framed image of me and a "dead" guy. But my codependent/enabling desire to see that old dream resurrected is just as strong as his addiction. It's taking all I've got to fight the lie.
Anyway, don't listen to words. Let his actions be your guide, and if there are none forthcoming - - it looks like you all won't be going anywhere together. Right?
D9
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Take down the picture? Perhaps the removal of the constant reminder can strengthen you in your realization that things will never go back to that time.
When my daughter first left for college and I was in the anguish of empty nest syndrome, she had left a pair of tennis shoes by the back door and some clothes on the stairway. I left them as they lay for an entire month, and every day I saw them I cried and cried.
When she came home from college for her first visit and left again, I put away all traces like that just to prevent the tears, knowing that my life had changed, she did not "live" here anymore, and I had to move forward in this new life. It really helped.
When my daughter first left for college and I was in the anguish of empty nest syndrome, she had left a pair of tennis shoes by the back door and some clothes on the stairway. I left them as they lay for an entire month, and every day I saw them I cried and cried.
When she came home from college for her first visit and left again, I put away all traces like that just to prevent the tears, knowing that my life had changed, she did not "live" here anymore, and I had to move forward in this new life. It really helped.
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Originally Posted by DetachMe9
Jeez Louise.
What is it with this seemingly endless emotional chess-game that we get stuck (or drawn back into) playing with these AH's? If you take Denny's statment about choosing NOT to play, along with ToughChoice's thing on "wanting but not doing anything about it" - - that's pretty much the whole answer right there.
The problem (for me anyway) is getting repeatedly hooked back into my own vision of the "dream", despite all evidence to the contrary. I can journal you a long list of crimes my AH has committed against our marriage over the past 2 years when he left sobriety for active alcoholism. I can read it over and over until I'm furious and ready to throw all his sh!t on the front lawn and water it in thoroughly. Then walk back into the living room and take one look at our wedding portrait hanging on the wall.....and I'm instantly screwed/stupid.
I see us standing there all pretty and sober (together), his sponsor right beside him as his best man, and the ensuing 7-8 years of relative stability and happiness. If you take it from LaTee or Prodigal, that picture is really just a framed image of me and a "dead" guy. But my codependent/enabling desire to see that old dream resurrected is just as strong as his addiction. It's taking all I've got to fight the lie.
Anyway, don't listen to words. Let his actions be your guide, and if there are none forthcoming - - it looks like you all won't be going anywhere together. Right?
D9
What is it with this seemingly endless emotional chess-game that we get stuck (or drawn back into) playing with these AH's? If you take Denny's statment about choosing NOT to play, along with ToughChoice's thing on "wanting but not doing anything about it" - - that's pretty much the whole answer right there.
The problem (for me anyway) is getting repeatedly hooked back into my own vision of the "dream", despite all evidence to the contrary. I can journal you a long list of crimes my AH has committed against our marriage over the past 2 years when he left sobriety for active alcoholism. I can read it over and over until I'm furious and ready to throw all his sh!t on the front lawn and water it in thoroughly. Then walk back into the living room and take one look at our wedding portrait hanging on the wall.....and I'm instantly screwed/stupid.
I see us standing there all pretty and sober (together), his sponsor right beside him as his best man, and the ensuing 7-8 years of relative stability and happiness. If you take it from LaTee or Prodigal, that picture is really just a framed image of me and a "dead" guy. But my codependent/enabling desire to see that old dream resurrected is just as strong as his addiction. It's taking all I've got to fight the lie.
Anyway, don't listen to words. Let his actions be your guide, and if there are none forthcoming - - it looks like you all won't be going anywhere together. Right?
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Originally Posted by Pajarito
The more I read, the more I talk, the more I realize the path I'm supposed to take-alone. It doesn't make it easy, though.
No its not easy right now. I do believe it will get easier though. Patience with yourself is important along the way. You didn't get where you are right now overnigh. You won't get where you want to be overnight either.
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Originally Posted by Barbara52
No its not easy right now. I do believe it will get easier though. Patience with yourself is important along the way. You didn't get where you are right now overnigh. You won't get where you want to be overnight either.
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