ABF now XABF
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
ABF now XABF
I feel the need to post that I ended it with my BF today.
I've been posting about the fact that he claims sobriety but I experience him as a dry drunk. All of his behaviors are consistent with what I have learned about Dry Drunk Syndrome.
It took about 20 minutes on the phone. I'm grateful for how I handled it. I feel like I was true to myself, respectful of him and there was dignity and grace in the conversation.
He said a few things that confirmed I'm doing what is necessary -- he SO doesn't get it and I've accepted he isn't going to.
That saying "you'll know when you know." It definitely applied here. I've been working on this for weeks, trying to respect myself, not rush myself. And today I phoned assuming he wasn't even going to pick up -- since he has refused to acknowledge me or communicate in any fashion since he walked out during an argument on March 1.
I thanked him for every time he made me laugh and every nice thing he had ever done for me. But I told him the disease won and I accept it. I'm waving the white flag.
I am sad. Relieved. Afraid. I don't think there's anything he could say to make me believe and re-invest in him. But this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and I'm scared I would be taken in, despite all I know. But that's not today.
I'm going to live without the alcoholic the same way I lived with him: one day at a time.
I've been posting about the fact that he claims sobriety but I experience him as a dry drunk. All of his behaviors are consistent with what I have learned about Dry Drunk Syndrome.
It took about 20 minutes on the phone. I'm grateful for how I handled it. I feel like I was true to myself, respectful of him and there was dignity and grace in the conversation.
He said a few things that confirmed I'm doing what is necessary -- he SO doesn't get it and I've accepted he isn't going to.
That saying "you'll know when you know." It definitely applied here. I've been working on this for weeks, trying to respect myself, not rush myself. And today I phoned assuming he wasn't even going to pick up -- since he has refused to acknowledge me or communicate in any fashion since he walked out during an argument on March 1.
I thanked him for every time he made me laugh and every nice thing he had ever done for me. But I told him the disease won and I accept it. I'm waving the white flag.
I am sad. Relieved. Afraid. I don't think there's anything he could say to make me believe and re-invest in him. But this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and I'm scared I would be taken in, despite all I know. But that's not today.
I'm going to live without the alcoholic the same way I lived with him: one day at a time.
abcdefg, you are a strong person, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
This must be so big for you right now, what a huge step in your recovery. I still continue to struggle with this one.
:ghug3
Hugs to you today!
he SO doesn't get it and I've accepted he isn't going to.
:ghug3
Hugs to you today!
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Fabulous post. Very brave and very difficult. Caroline's right though; be prepared for some backlash in the near future. I think I've had to tell AH at least 50 times that we're positively, definitely, for sure getting divorced. Maybe it's the practice I need to make sure it sticks for me, too.
Take care.
Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Yes, I'm very aware he will make an effort -- naturally when I LEAST expect it -- to rekindle everything. That is the only part I fear -- my own character defects or weaknesses coming into play at that point.
But I won't let myself forget the last 24 days -- 24 days that may have been longer but he randomly answered the phone yesterday. And I am aware of things now about how the disease has been at play between us that I have not been aware of in the past. So that helps me trust myself more.
I am committed to myself without a doubt. There is NOTHING and NO ONE that will come between me and my continued recovery. If that were to happen, I would literally die. My alanon thinking will kill me (the details of that could take 15 other threads). So if someone is not part of the solution with me, there are only so many options available. That's my choice and in this case it means letting go entirely. I'm prepared to live with it -- one day at a time.
I don't believe that we choose who we love. But I DO believe that we can choose everything else around that. I wasn't about to let this relationship degrade into hatred. This is a good person who is totally messed up. Neither of us deserve all the crap that has come down because of untreated disease. But only one of us -- me -- is willing to face reality and look inward. That doesn't make for a satisfying partnership.
My Higher Power has it all covered. My job as a human is to feel what I feel and be of service. Higher Power's job is to take care of everything else.
Anyway, that's just for today. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow!
But I won't let myself forget the last 24 days -- 24 days that may have been longer but he randomly answered the phone yesterday. And I am aware of things now about how the disease has been at play between us that I have not been aware of in the past. So that helps me trust myself more.
I am committed to myself without a doubt. There is NOTHING and NO ONE that will come between me and my continued recovery. If that were to happen, I would literally die. My alanon thinking will kill me (the details of that could take 15 other threads). So if someone is not part of the solution with me, there are only so many options available. That's my choice and in this case it means letting go entirely. I'm prepared to live with it -- one day at a time.
I don't believe that we choose who we love. But I DO believe that we can choose everything else around that. I wasn't about to let this relationship degrade into hatred. This is a good person who is totally messed up. Neither of us deserve all the crap that has come down because of untreated disease. But only one of us -- me -- is willing to face reality and look inward. That doesn't make for a satisfying partnership.
My Higher Power has it all covered. My job as a human is to feel what I feel and be of service. Higher Power's job is to take care of everything else.
Anyway, that's just for today. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow!
what an inspiring post! i've bookmarked it so i can reread it - lots of good thoughts in there!
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