A question about my recovering alcoholic boyfriend
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by ash4 
how did i miss all of this in the beginning?! I just feel so stupid for so many reasons... A. I fell for this B. I can't let him go (at least not mentally) and C. as was stated, so many women have had their lives taken from by abusive men and here i am... sometimes i get so scared. I'm SO young! 22 in july. ... I don't want my life to be like this... not forever, but it feels like it is going to be...
You lack life experience (I do not mean this in a condescending way).
You are young (relative to a lot of the other posters) and you can learn (we all can, regardless of age).
Learning takes time and practice. Nobody learns anything without mistakes.
If you truly don't want your life to be like this forever, then DO NOT FEAR -- it won't be. Just give yourself time to understand your part, discover your Higher Power and start changing behavior.
Here's an idea for changing a behavior:
Instead of calling yourself stupid say, "I am so proud of the brave woman I am -- for having the courage to look at this situation, for reaching out, for being willing to learn."
Because you are.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You are not stupid.
You are only 21 and yes you lack life experience. We all did at 21. You have so many opportunities that many of us didn’t at that age. We didn’t have sites like this or didn’t understand fully about addiction or red flags or what exactly abuse was other then physical.
If you can learn from this experience you will not repeat it. Abcdefg is right on, you need to tell yourself what a brave and strong woman you are for ending it and reaching out for help and understanding.
All ending are painful and sad, you loved this guy and it’s natural you feel hurt and are sad it didn’t work out the way you wished it had. I don’t know anyone who ever died from a broken heart. You will heal, it takes time. Keep yourself busy with school and focus on that. I have found that the busier I kept myself after a break up the less time my mind had to think about him.
Hang in there, keep posting and you will heal from this and in the process become stronger and wiser for the next relationship life brings your way.
You are only 21 and yes you lack life experience. We all did at 21. You have so many opportunities that many of us didn’t at that age. We didn’t have sites like this or didn’t understand fully about addiction or red flags or what exactly abuse was other then physical.
If you can learn from this experience you will not repeat it. Abcdefg is right on, you need to tell yourself what a brave and strong woman you are for ending it and reaching out for help and understanding.
All ending are painful and sad, you loved this guy and it’s natural you feel hurt and are sad it didn’t work out the way you wished it had. I don’t know anyone who ever died from a broken heart. You will heal, it takes time. Keep yourself busy with school and focus on that. I have found that the busier I kept myself after a break up the less time my mind had to think about him.
Hang in there, keep posting and you will heal from this and in the process become stronger and wiser for the next relationship life brings your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 6
I broke down today... I drove to where i knew he was playing... he wasn't playing. he cancelled today... irony right? after 2 months of not seeing him... the one time i try, he's not there. I guess it was a good thing in a way. but man! i would love to see his face.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
Please don't let him ruin your education. I'm speaking from experience here. I was with a physically, verbally and mentally abusive man when a little younger than you, he wasn't an A just an A**hole. He sucked all my energy and confidence up. I was expected to go to university and do well but flunked my exams big time, my own fault cause I should have got out but my confidence was shot to pieces and I was scared of him.
You have your whole future ahead of you please look after it and all the opportunities that come with it
You have your whole future ahead of you please look after it and all the opportunities that come with it
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
i would love to see his face
What would seeing this sick and abusive man's face do for you? Make you feel like rescuing him? Make you feel superior to him? Make you feel better about yourself if he seems happy to see you?
Your compulsion to see him again has nothing to do with him, but it has everything to do with you. Finding out why you're drawn to abusive relationships can help you avoid them in the future.
If you haven't joined Alanon, now might be a good time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 7
Broke down?
Originally Posted by ash4
I broke down today... I drove to where i knew he was playing... he wasn't playing. he cancelled today... irony right? after 2 months of not seeing him... the one time i try, he's not there. I guess it was a good thing in a way. but man! i would love to see his face.
Ash-
You aren't going to be able to gut this out with willpower. As I said earlier, you are being drawn to him because of something inside you that's broken. I'm not being mean. All of us are broken, none of us go through life unscathed and unscarred. You're going to be very hurt (physically and emotionally) if you try to do this in your own willpower.
And the fact that he wasn't there to play is a massive sign from the higher power ("God") that you need to pay attention to. Seriously.
Please, get the book "Co-dependent No More" and read it. TODAY!! TODAY!!:codiepolice:codiepolice
Sister of Alcoholic
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
Hi Ash,
That's okay you "broke down" today; it happens. You will get through this and you will get better...and you're NOT stupid! You're only 22 and don't have a lot of the life experience to recognize these situations for what they are. Looking at things when you're 22 is completely different from when you look at them when you get older--what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger (a cliche but I really believe it's true).
I agree with Snowwolf; we can be attracted to those who are bad for us because of something inside ourselves...I know I was like that with the AXBF in my life.
But...you will get through this. I know it can feel like s**t some days--it's inevitable if you loved the person--but you WILL get through this. Keep posting and keep staying strong, and know that we are all here for you!
That's okay you "broke down" today; it happens. You will get through this and you will get better...and you're NOT stupid! You're only 22 and don't have a lot of the life experience to recognize these situations for what they are. Looking at things when you're 22 is completely different from when you look at them when you get older--what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger (a cliche but I really believe it's true).
I agree with Snowwolf; we can be attracted to those who are bad for us because of something inside ourselves...I know I was like that with the AXBF in my life.
But...you will get through this. I know it can feel like s**t some days--it's inevitable if you loved the person--but you WILL get through this. Keep posting and keep staying strong, and know that we are all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 48
There comes a time when you say to yourself: It’s over.
Or, if you’re like most women, you waffle and flip-flop and second-guess yourself — possibly for years — instead of taking decisive action. So how do you know when it’s time to ditch your guy once and for all? If you’re lucky, the telltale signs will be painted on the wall. But what if the urge is ambiguous as a gut feeling? Should you follow your intuition or hang in a little while longer, hoping things will change?
“Whether it’s after one date or several years, dumping a guy is dirty work.”
Whether it’s after one date or several years, dumping a guy is dirty work. And no matter how you do it, one thing’s for sure: pulling the plug gets harder as time wears on. No wonder why so many women avoid it.
Once you’ve made up your mind that it’s over (and you’re damn sure about this), it’s time to offer up a reason. Indeed, this can present formidable challenges to the weak at heart. For those inclined to honesty I have one word of advice: lie. There was a time when I actually thought men were genetically predisposed to rejection considering that our evolution is predicated on survival mechanisms dating back 3.5 billion years. You’d think they’d be accustomed to the hearing the word “NO” by now. But on more than one occasion, I had the unfortunate opportunity to experience more guilt and regret than I care to recall after confessing that I was no longer attracted to someone I’d been dating. How do you tell someone the thrill is gone — or worse, was never really there?
Well, you’re in luck. I’ve compiled a list of several ways to help put the kibosh on a dead-end relationship.
Silence is Golden
If you’re reluctant to deal with confrontation, you might want to start with the silent treatment, an old stand-by used by men since the invention of time. Slowly backing off is a trigger: most guys will usually get the hint, and retreat without a whimper. But consider this a first-ditch effort and make sure you have a backup a plan for those uninitiated in the unspoken laws of the dating game.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
If the silent treatment backfires on you, try the disappearing act. If you’re like my friend Alisa, you leave the country. Granted, this is an extreme measure, but sometimes distance may be the only option between you and sanity. And the best part is if he doesn’t bother to come looking for you, then he was never worth keeping to begin with.
Prepare for the Worst
“How do you tell someone the thrill is gone — or worse, was never really there?”
There is always the possibility that he may choose not to believe that it’s over. He may be clingy or just plain dense, which is why it is imperative to practice your lines. Rehearse your “we have to talk” speech. Cushion your words carefully, and if you must, inject a few simple Zen words like, “the time isn’t right” to soften the blow. Remember that words are a powerful tool but often your tone, body language and facial expressions speak a language of their own.
Hold Your Ground
It is important to always keep your word. There will undoubtedly come a time when you will begin to second-guess yourself and then regret your decision deeply. The hardest part about breaking up is resisting the urge to get sucked back in during a moment of weakness. And it’s bound to happen. Someone has a little too much alcohol. Someone gets a little sexed up. Someone is alone on a Saturday night. Suddenly the ex is not such a bad guy after all. Next thing you know you’re back in the saddle going nowhere. Remember that the evil twin of breaking up is making up, and caving in to the desire to reunite will only prolong the inevitable.
Nice is for Ninnies
Leave the “nice” girl at home. As women we all know what it’s like to get hurt, but killing them with kindness will only sabotage your best intentions. While it’s tempting to stick with the overused, generic and vague excuse “I need more time” you run the risk of giving him room for hope, which isn’t necessarily fair. Better to be firm, clear, convincing. Cry. There may be times when it is necessary to spell it out w-o-r-d f-o-r w-o-r-d that you have NO desire to ever see him again….or else get prepared to share the lurid details about the 500 people you’ve slept with.
A is for Abstinence
Sex is a weapon, and developing an aversion to the dirty deed is guaranteed to send him bolting out the door. Face it, he may like your face and brains, but that’s not the only thing he’s into. Females are born with divine genital powers so you might as well put it to good use. In this case, denial of sexual pleasure is sure to drive him in the opposite direction, which is exactly the point.
Holy Break-Up!
When desperation strikes and you can’t shake this guy loose, it’s time to resort to the EXtreme Break Up. Options: become a born-again Quaker and tell him that The Lord told you to do it. Insist that he share his feelings -- all the time. Talk about the conjunction of Mars and Pluto in Libra rising. Get fat. VERY fat. Take him to Ann Taylor on a sunny weekend afternoon and max out his credit card. See where that gets you.
Bun in the Oven
“You may just find that ridding your ex rewards you in ways you never realized”
If none of the above works, tell him you’re pregnant. If you’ve resorted to abstinence as a way to send your guy packing, tell him you’re pregnant with the mailman’s lovechild. Either way, you’ll be heading straight to splitsville in no time.
Of course, you can always tell him you’ve become a lesbian. Wait, on second thought, don’t. This may keep him around longer than you’d like.
Truthfully, there is no right way to break up with someone – no right time or place. Nothing you say or do will make it any easier. But that doesn’t mean you have to end up in a bloodbath or enemies for life. You may just find that ridding your ex rewards you in ways you never realized – starting with a stronger backbone and healthier ego. And who knows, after enough time passes for him to lick old wounds you may end up with something even more unexpected — a friend
Or, if you’re like most women, you waffle and flip-flop and second-guess yourself — possibly for years — instead of taking decisive action. So how do you know when it’s time to ditch your guy once and for all? If you’re lucky, the telltale signs will be painted on the wall. But what if the urge is ambiguous as a gut feeling? Should you follow your intuition or hang in a little while longer, hoping things will change?
“Whether it’s after one date or several years, dumping a guy is dirty work.”
Whether it’s after one date or several years, dumping a guy is dirty work. And no matter how you do it, one thing’s for sure: pulling the plug gets harder as time wears on. No wonder why so many women avoid it.
Once you’ve made up your mind that it’s over (and you’re damn sure about this), it’s time to offer up a reason. Indeed, this can present formidable challenges to the weak at heart. For those inclined to honesty I have one word of advice: lie. There was a time when I actually thought men were genetically predisposed to rejection considering that our evolution is predicated on survival mechanisms dating back 3.5 billion years. You’d think they’d be accustomed to the hearing the word “NO” by now. But on more than one occasion, I had the unfortunate opportunity to experience more guilt and regret than I care to recall after confessing that I was no longer attracted to someone I’d been dating. How do you tell someone the thrill is gone — or worse, was never really there?
Well, you’re in luck. I’ve compiled a list of several ways to help put the kibosh on a dead-end relationship.
Silence is Golden
If you’re reluctant to deal with confrontation, you might want to start with the silent treatment, an old stand-by used by men since the invention of time. Slowly backing off is a trigger: most guys will usually get the hint, and retreat without a whimper. But consider this a first-ditch effort and make sure you have a backup a plan for those uninitiated in the unspoken laws of the dating game.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
If the silent treatment backfires on you, try the disappearing act. If you’re like my friend Alisa, you leave the country. Granted, this is an extreme measure, but sometimes distance may be the only option between you and sanity. And the best part is if he doesn’t bother to come looking for you, then he was never worth keeping to begin with.
Prepare for the Worst
“How do you tell someone the thrill is gone — or worse, was never really there?”
There is always the possibility that he may choose not to believe that it’s over. He may be clingy or just plain dense, which is why it is imperative to practice your lines. Rehearse your “we have to talk” speech. Cushion your words carefully, and if you must, inject a few simple Zen words like, “the time isn’t right” to soften the blow. Remember that words are a powerful tool but often your tone, body language and facial expressions speak a language of their own.
Hold Your Ground
It is important to always keep your word. There will undoubtedly come a time when you will begin to second-guess yourself and then regret your decision deeply. The hardest part about breaking up is resisting the urge to get sucked back in during a moment of weakness. And it’s bound to happen. Someone has a little too much alcohol. Someone gets a little sexed up. Someone is alone on a Saturday night. Suddenly the ex is not such a bad guy after all. Next thing you know you’re back in the saddle going nowhere. Remember that the evil twin of breaking up is making up, and caving in to the desire to reunite will only prolong the inevitable.
Nice is for Ninnies
Leave the “nice” girl at home. As women we all know what it’s like to get hurt, but killing them with kindness will only sabotage your best intentions. While it’s tempting to stick with the overused, generic and vague excuse “I need more time” you run the risk of giving him room for hope, which isn’t necessarily fair. Better to be firm, clear, convincing. Cry. There may be times when it is necessary to spell it out w-o-r-d f-o-r w-o-r-d that you have NO desire to ever see him again….or else get prepared to share the lurid details about the 500 people you’ve slept with.
A is for Abstinence
Sex is a weapon, and developing an aversion to the dirty deed is guaranteed to send him bolting out the door. Face it, he may like your face and brains, but that’s not the only thing he’s into. Females are born with divine genital powers so you might as well put it to good use. In this case, denial of sexual pleasure is sure to drive him in the opposite direction, which is exactly the point.
Holy Break-Up!
When desperation strikes and you can’t shake this guy loose, it’s time to resort to the EXtreme Break Up. Options: become a born-again Quaker and tell him that The Lord told you to do it. Insist that he share his feelings -- all the time. Talk about the conjunction of Mars and Pluto in Libra rising. Get fat. VERY fat. Take him to Ann Taylor on a sunny weekend afternoon and max out his credit card. See where that gets you.
Bun in the Oven
“You may just find that ridding your ex rewards you in ways you never realized”
If none of the above works, tell him you’re pregnant. If you’ve resorted to abstinence as a way to send your guy packing, tell him you’re pregnant with the mailman’s lovechild. Either way, you’ll be heading straight to splitsville in no time.
Of course, you can always tell him you’ve become a lesbian. Wait, on second thought, don’t. This may keep him around longer than you’d like.
Truthfully, there is no right way to break up with someone – no right time or place. Nothing you say or do will make it any easier. But that doesn’t mean you have to end up in a bloodbath or enemies for life. You may just find that ridding your ex rewards you in ways you never realized – starting with a stronger backbone and healthier ego. And who knows, after enough time passes for him to lick old wounds you may end up with something even more unexpected — a friend
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 48
You cannot change or fix this guy. He sounds so scary. Walk away and learn to see the red flags. You only live on this earth once and you have to make the most of it. This guy is years worth of trouble.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: guelph, ontario, canada
Posts: 2
Its not you...
I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, and beleive me, it wasent the drugs or alcohol that was the problem, it was always my THINKING!!! I have been clean and sober for a few 24 hours now, and I still think like a drunk and addict from time to time. But aa has given me the tools to use so I dont act on those thoughts. Him treating you like he does is not your fault its his, thats how we drunks and addicts act. Unless he starts using some tools, he will never change.
PS Once a cheat, always a cheat!!!
Please take care, and god bless both of you
I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, and beleive me, it wasent the drugs or alcohol that was the problem, it was always my THINKING!!! I have been clean and sober for a few 24 hours now, and I still think like a drunk and addict from time to time. But aa has given me the tools to use so I dont act on those thoughts. Him treating you like he does is not your fault its his, thats how we drunks and addicts act. Unless he starts using some tools, he will never change.
PS Once a cheat, always a cheat!!!
Please take care, and god bless both of you
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