hopeangel

"Well, there's an easy way to stop wondering. Start having sex with him and see if it saves the relationship. I think you already know the answer..........."

latee, you crack me up, thanks for the laugh, really...umm yeah? didn't we already try that in dec.?

thanks for keeping my insanity in check and putting a smile back on my face!!! lol

Lilyflower

Since I was younger I've practiced the 'box' rule. Everytime a relationship has ended, I place all the things I connect with that person in a box, letters photos, whatever. Then I put it away. I don't go back to the box until I have moved on past the pain and am happy without the person. Then I get the box out and go through all the things I put inside because of the pain they would cause me. Somethings I looked back on and thought I would like to keep, others got thrown away. Needless to say, I only have a few items from my past relationships now, a lot less than what I had originally stored anyway!

When xabf is gone in two weeks I will do the same then. I think its too difficult (for me anyway) to get over someone when the memories are all around.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx

steve11694

"Soul is gone" also describes the emptiness in my aw eyes. i knew her before alcoholism. bright eyed, personable, happy, sweet, kind. Recently you can look into her eyes and it is as if there is NOTHING there. she can act well enough to find enablers that leave when they realize what she is doing. she can scam people into lending her money that is never repaid. real friends soon become ex friends. the quest to drink though continues.
================================================== ============
Jesus, Jesus help me
I'm alone in this world
And a ******-up world it is too.

Tell me, tell me the story
The one about eternity
And the way it's all gonna be.

Wake up, wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up dead man.

Jesus, I'm waiting here, boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free.

Your Father, He made the world in seven
He's in charge of heaven.
Will you put a word in for me?

Wake up, wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up dead man.

Listen to the words they'll tell you what to do
Listen over the rhythm that's confusing you
Listen to the reed in the saxophone
Listen over the hum of the radio
Listen over the sound of blades in rotation
Listen through the traffic and circulation
Listen as hope and peace try to rhyme
Listen over marching bands playing out their time.

Wake up, wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up dead man.

Jesus, were you just around the corner?
Did you think to try and warn her?
Were you working on something new?
If there's an order in all of this disorder
Is it like a tape recorder?
Can we rewind it just once more?

Wake up, wake up dead man

fff

I hear you hopeangel. Not a day goes by when I don't think about all the good times with AW, then contrast that with the total monster she became. The messed up part is that she has supervised visitation with our kids at our house (she lives 2 hr away) twice a week, so her presence is here all the time. While it's important to put the past in the past, we are still a family unit, so I believe it's important to keep her picture around for the kids.
The best things I have found to contribute to my sense of well-being and not get caught up in the past are keeping busy with goals, staying physically active, meeting new people, kicking ass at my job, and trying to be the best father I can be.
Oh well, "focus on the good times," like A.J. Soprano said. =)

hopeangel

hey fff, you hang in there too. it sounds like you are doing great by the kids. it's awesome that you are putting your feelings aside for their sake and understanding that they need to have their mothers presence around them, it can't be easy. your doing great and being a great dad!!!

right now AH is saying that he wants to still be able to come and go in the house as he pleases after he moves out. he has said he is going to move out, but so far all words and no action. i am very uncomfortable with his being able to just come and go whenever he wants after (even wants to wash his clothes here). his name is on the lease with mine, so i don't know i can stop him. i want my privacy and peace of mind.

he said he would move out when we get a court date and when he gets the papers. i explained that he did not have to wait for anything (after his telling me that he can't stand me and doesn't want anything to do with me after this). interpretation....he is not moving out now because he doesn't really believe that i am actually going to go through with it "because i am scared" (his words)

the progression of the disease....laying in your own urine because you continue to pee all over yourself and getting up in the middle of the night to take a shower because of it. it really is sad.

lexusgirl

That is extremely controling on his part. I'm in a similar situation regarding the lease. In my case I'm the first to move out and he will be leaving a month after I do.

Your AH doesn't have the right to come and go as he pleases.That is totally insane! If he moves out you can go to the property managment company and request that they remove his name.

Another suggestion would be you possibly moving out? I too would not be comfortable having my xabf coming and going as he pleases.

DESIGNER

Hopeangel I know that you posted this about a month ago but if you are still feeling this way I wanted to let you know that this is exactly how I feel. It comes in waves that hit you and knock you down.

SOme days I am ok and think that I did everything that I could but others the guilt that comes with how I acted at times is completly unbearable. I know that I need to somehow work through this guilt and love myself and know that I did everything that i could but it is still there at times.

I stopped also being intimate with my exabf. I couldn't anymore. The thought of being that close with him made me scared. I didn't want to lay in bed with him and have him be all loving only to wake up the next day and be crying. I COULD NOT trust him.......it was gone. I tried to be close with him but I was so scared and had such a wall up b/c I hated feeling all those wonderful close loving feelings and then the next day or even the next week feel complete hate for the person he had become.

It messes with your mind and your soul.

LaTeeDa

Back to the 3 C's.

You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it

I found that I was living with the illusion of control. I could get him to bend to my will temporarily. Then, eventually he would resent me for it and start with the guilt trips. Being that I thought I was in control, I would then bite and feel guilty. At that point, who's controlling who?

Once I began to recognize this, the guilt vanished. There is no reason to feel guilty for protecting yourself. He wanted me to feel guilty because that was his illusion of control. It was an ongoing power struggle. I choose not to play that game anymore.

L

DESIGNER

LaTeeDa.....you are great.....I will be honest with you though I am always scared to see what you have written right after I post. LOL. I get this way b/c I think you must be thinking jeez this designer girl is never going to get it!!! LOL

I Know that I did not cause his alcoholism and i know that I tried my best to handle the situations that were presented but I still at times just wish that I would have presented myself a little different. I am a little embarrassed about how drama queen like I was at times but on the same token I did at those times think that he was drinking like that b/c I was not good enough and he was not happy with me. I thought that he was drinking to hurt me somehow.

Now that I am out of the situation and a bit more educated I see it so clearly that it had nothing to do with hurting me and I guess now I sometimes wish that I could go back and handle those situations with a little more control.
I know that he loved me but sometimes I think man he is probably happier with his life now that he does not have this controlling, hysterical, sometimes negative girlfriend anymore. I guess I just wish that he would be able to see me in a relationship without all the alchohol drama.

denny57

It's simple actually: if I was that powerful I would have made him stop drinking.

Easy, it ain't.

LaTeeDa

That's what happens in a relationship with an alcoholic. I became someone I didn't even like. Journaling helped me work through all the stuff in my head surrounding it. It helped me see my part in the drama and chaos. It helped me learn that I am really not a "bad person." Just someone who reacted badly to a difficult situation. I think it's important to own my part of it. That way I can do better in the future. My ex will not see the person I have become, but the people who come in to my life from now on will.

L