Bookworm88

This is my first post. I found this forum when I was looking for information on the internet about living with an alcoholic. I am posting because I think I have reached the end of my patience and I don’t know what to do about it.

My story...
My husband (I’ll refer to him as T) and I have been married over 21 years. We have two sons, one in college and one in high school. T drank when I met him but I thought the amount he drank was because he was single and liked to party with his friends. We got married and the drinking continued but it wasn’t so bad I couldn’t live with it.

Over the years it has progressed to the point where he comes home with a 6 pack two or three nights per week and on Fri, Sat., and Sun. he drinks at least a 6 pack but usually more. We have discussed his drinking many times. He knows that the amount and frequency of it bothers me. He has admitted he has a problem but is not willing to go to AA or anywhere else for help. He thinks he can handle it by himself. More times than I can count he has said he will cut back. I’m sure you all know this part of the story…that lasts a few days or a few weeks and then he starts in with the excuses to drink. Either it was a bad day at work or it is a holiday or whatever.

About a month ago he quit smoking, which I was happy about, but the drinking got worse. He was coming home with a 6 pack every night. We talked about it and he admitted that he doesn’t know how to relax without his cigarettes or beer. Now that he doesn’t have cigarettes anymore he has been drinking more often to relax.

Last Saturday he had a 6 pack of 16 oz. beers and drank those over the course of the afternoon. He then told me that he wanted to quit drinking until his birthday which is at the end of April. Then he goes on to tell me he wants to have one last hurrah with the booze and asks me to get him a pint of whiskey and another 6 pack of beer. Well, I have heard this before so I am resistant to getting him anything. If he has been drinking he won’t drive (thank God) but then he bugs me to go buy him beer. If I resist he keeps bugging me and bugging me until I give in. I usually give in so that he will shut up and leave me alone. If I stand my ground and don’t give in we end up in a fight. So I finally give in and go get him the pint and the beer but I was disgusted with him and with myself for giving in. He proceeds to get so drunk that he feels like crap all day Sunday. He tells me that he is done drinking until his birthday. I roll my eyes and he knows I don’t believe it. So he doesn’t drink on Sunday or Monday. Then on Tuesday it is one month since he quit smoking. What does he do? You guessed it…he comes home with a 6 pack of beer. He drank it all that night. He hasn’t had any alcohol since then but we are now approaching Friday night so all bets are off.

About a year ago I wrote T a letter about how his drinking was affecting me, our sons, and our marriage. I wrote it all down because I didn’t want to get side tracked while speaking and forget something I felt was important. I didn’t say I would leave him if he didn’t quit drinking but I did tell him that it was driving a wedge between us and ruining our marriage. He took the letter very seriously and we talked about it. He was “good” for awhile and then gradually went back to his old ways.

I am now getting to the point that I avoid sex with him and almost everything he does annoys me. I feel like I can’t take anymore and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should give him an ultimatum, it is either me or alcohol. Other times I think that is not the right thing to do. I don’t really want to throw away my marriage. Sometimes I tell myself that I should just live with the drinking, after all it could be worse. I am fortunate that my husband is able to hold a job (he has had the same one for 17 years), does not drive drunk, and has never hit me or the boys. Am I selfish to want him to quit drinking? Should I refuse to buy him alcohol ever?

Any advice would be appreciated.

minnelson6200

Hi there,

Welcome. You've found a great place to be. I also went online and searched for "how to live with an alcoholic". Came here and have been thankful ever since.

I would love to give you advice, but I can't. I'm in darn near the exact same situation. In fact, if you change T to P you'd be writing about my AH. What I've learned from folks here, from AlAnon and in counseling is that I have to work on me. I can do nothing about his drinking. That was a tough one to swallow at first.

My experience is that I may have some self-centric reasons for wanting the drinking to stop, but I am not being selfish since it has many negative impacts on him as well as family members and friends. I have also had the numerous talks about excessive drinking etc and told him I don't want to "control" his life, but woud he please cut back....yada yada yada. And like you, it worked for a week maybe two.

I suppose mostly I want to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone. I found that attending AlAnon meetings and reading the material from AlAnon has been a huge help for me. Also, coming and reading the posts here was instrumental in me being able to take the step to going to AlAnon. This is a great resource. Please keep reading and posting.

Barbara52

Welcome! You will find a great deal of great information in here to help you. Read the stickies. Read lots of our stories. Inform yourself so you can make decisions based on information. Things can get better for you.

whatnow2

Actually, if you change T to P to J, you are writing about my AH. Only difference is, mine will drive during and after. He does this partly because I won't allow alcohol in my home. It's no way to live. I'm pretty new to this, but the site has been a Godsend, so keep posting and focus on doing what is right for you!

prodigal

Welcome. I'm glad you found us and I'm glad you are here.

As you have now concluded, discussing his drinking with him does not make him stop.
His promises to you and himself do not make him stop.
Telling him his drinking bothers you does not make him stop.
Writing him a letter about how his drinking is impacting your marriage and family does not make him stop.

I believe by now you are seeing a pattern here.

He has told you he has a problem. He does not want to do anything about his problem. He wants to continue to convince himself he can control his drinking. Telling someone, "I have a problem," and doing nothing about it is a good manipulative technique. He's agreeing with you in order to get you to leave him alone about his drinking. And he continues to drink.

I am sure you are frustrated at your attempts to get him to see he has a problem. I would suggest you give Al-Anon a try. Until he wants to quit drinking, he will continue to drink. Regardless of how much it bothers you.

Bernadette

Heya Bookworm--
Hi - Welcome-- I'm still pretty new here too. I hope you keep reading and posting! You'll get a lot of good information here.

I'm sorry you're going through this hard time. I hope you can get to an AlAnon meeting and reach out for some help and education about alcoholism/codependency.

This quote stuck out to me:

"He took the letter very seriously and we talked about it. He was “good” for awhile and then gradually went back to his old ways."

because it pretty much sums up what you're in for over and over again until he finds sobriety/recovery. Just remember it isn't a battle of his "good" vs. "bad" behavior. The compulsion to drink is completely overwhelming - nothing (NOTHING!) gets in the way of their drinking. When I first had to accept this as a truth regarding my father and my brothers I was devastated. Beyond depressed.

Then I realized being depressed or devastated doesn't make it go away either!! Just leaves me in a muddy puddle. So I got into AlAnon, and reading, and focusing on my own life and my own problems and the world had the possibility of happiness again! Imperfect yes. But happier, because I stopped letting the addicts affect me so much.

Keep reaching out- you will find relief and help.
B.

queenteree

I once heard that an alcoholic with his drink is like a mama bear protecting her baby cub - and how true that really is!!!! My AH drinks before, during and after driving also, also at work, during stresst tests on his heart (yes, he actually told the dr. during the rest period that he had to go to his truck to drink his beer!), plus he drinks a 30 pack of beer a day, if not more!!! Every day!!! Talk about progression!!
It's a tough life living with an A, but by attending Alanon and reaching out, you will be able to gather the strength and courage you need to do for you, and your life will eventually become much better, trust me.

LaTeeDa

These are the same kind of chats I used to have with myself. Over and over I convinced myself not only that it could be worse, but that it might get better. I convince myself that if I suffered long enough, it would be worth it. There would be a change and life would get better.

Then I started asking myself the honest questions. Was I happy? No. Did I want to live this way for the rest of my life? No. Did I have any control over his choices? No. Was I willing to spend any more of my remaining years waiting for him to come to his senses? No.

I can't answer any of those questions for you, but I can suggest that you ask them of yourself.

Oh, and one more. Assume that he is the way he is and will not change. Are you willing to accept that?

L

nowinsituation

Welcome Bookworm - When I found SR and started reading the stories I was both shocked and relieved to see that they are really all the same, only the names have changed. The relief came from finally knowing that I wasn't crazy, and I wasn't alone. My story -- married 24 years; husband drinking -- every day; not driving, not mean, not abusive; but not there and not participating in the relationship. Annoyed, yes, that was putting it mildly. We talked, too. He agreed he was drinking too much. He promised to get it under control. But he continued to drink just as much, only now he hid it from me and lied about it. You are in the right place. You will learn a lot, and you will be able to make whatever decisions you need to about your future with a wealth of support and information. Good luck and keep coming back.

Bookworm88

Thanks for all the replies. I have a lot of reading to do on these forums.

It helps to know that others have similar life experiences. My best friend knows the full story about my situation but she is the only one I feel I can talk with and be totally honest.

This question is at the heart of the issue for me:
I have not decided if I can accept it which is why I have started searching for information.

….oh yes I have seen the pattern for years now. This is why I don’t believe him anymore when he says he will quit or cut back on his drinking.


I also have guilt about raising my two sons in this environment. I worry about the example is he setting for them and the example I have set in putting up with this for so long.

Enough for tonight. I’ll be back to keep reading and learning.

aztchr

From my experience, if I participated in getting the drink for him, it was used against me. I stopped contributing to the problem.

I learned I didn't have to fight, I didn't have to accept anything unacceptable, and my life was better out of the environment.

When I started to question what I believed and felt, I knew I needed help.
Read all you can and keep coming back. Ala-non meetings have really helped me.

hadenoughnow

I could have written your story almost word for word. I am in the process of divorcing my AH but if you had asked me just a few years ago I would have probably said "it's not that bad". Alcoholism is progressive though and the few positives left can evaporate quickly.

Shivaya

Okay....I'll keep this going....If you change the T to P to J to S, you are writing about my AH.

Our stories are all so similar (together 19 years, married 14). My AH has informed me that he will never stop drinking. I am choosing at this time to stay in my marriage, and below are the tools that help me to not go crazy:

1. I see a therapist almost once a week.
2. I attend alanon mtgs. whenever I can.
3. I read/post on SR.
4. I read ODAT - alanon literature
5. I have set boundaries with my AH:
- I have asked him not to drink in front of myself or our children. Not even one drink. He did overstep this boundary once, was offered and accepted a drink at a neighborhood gathering. I removed myself and children at once (easy to go home).
- Drinking to the point of passing out/blacking out is no longer acceptable to me. If this boundary is crossed, I will file for legal separation.
- I am no longer in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior, from anyone.

My father was an alcoholic, and I grew up in a highly dysfunctional environment. So it felt "normal" for me to have a husband who drinks to the point of blacking out, smoking pot, and other undesirable behaviors.

Thank goodness I woke up at the age of 40. And to take a line from Oprah, I Know For Sure That I Deserve Better In This Life!

Hope you find some comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Please keep reading and posting.






Shivaya