i just CANT take it anymore!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2
i just CANT take it anymore!
Hi, my boyfriend has serious drinking problems. he doesnt drink everyday but whenever he has access and money thats the first thing he does. he buys a 1/2 gallon of vodka & drinks it straight. he gets totally smashed. when hes drunk he gets VERY angry & can get violent. he lies about EVERYTHING. i recently found out im pregnant and i've been giving him so many chances, saying if he doesnt stop i will have nothing to do with him. he takes me for granted but says "its just not that easy" i dont know what to do. I dont want my child raised without a father but i cannot take this anymore. i dont know what else to tell him. Anyone else in a situation like this? How in the world do you deal with it?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... Glad you found us and I look forward to getting to know you.
Sounds like you have some serious thinking to do about how you want to live your life and how you want to raise your child.
My daughter's father is also an Alcoholic... and I can tell you from experience that it does not matter if you want to raise the child alone or not... if he continues to drink and does not find recovery you will be raising the child without "its" father regardless if you stay in the relationship or not. I left my husband when she was 2 and have been a single parent every sense. There have been different times when he has played a part in her life but for the most part it has just been the two of us.
You know what I had to figure out ... and it has taken me most of the 18 years she has been alive... I had to figure out what my problem was... not the men I dated. Why was I attracted to unavailable men? They were either Alcoholics, physco, married .... etc... seems to me the only thing in common was me. I had to figure out why I would accept unacceptable behavior and why when I asked for my needs to be met I gave them "so" many chances ... Why I did not set boundries and stick to them. Why I spent my life trying to change someone that did not want to change.
Once I started working on that, focusing on myself and raising my daughter .... well life got much easier. Not that it was perfect or there was no pain with relationships... I just choose to control the only thing I could... myself. The rest seems to fall into place.
Sounds like you have some serious thinking to do about how you want to live your life and how you want to raise your child.
My daughter's father is also an Alcoholic... and I can tell you from experience that it does not matter if you want to raise the child alone or not... if he continues to drink and does not find recovery you will be raising the child without "its" father regardless if you stay in the relationship or not. I left my husband when she was 2 and have been a single parent every sense. There have been different times when he has played a part in her life but for the most part it has just been the two of us.
You know what I had to figure out ... and it has taken me most of the 18 years she has been alive... I had to figure out what my problem was... not the men I dated. Why was I attracted to unavailable men? They were either Alcoholics, physco, married .... etc... seems to me the only thing in common was me. I had to figure out why I would accept unacceptable behavior and why when I asked for my needs to be met I gave them "so" many chances ... Why I did not set boundries and stick to them. Why I spent my life trying to change someone that did not want to change.
Once I started working on that, focusing on myself and raising my daughter .... well life got much easier. Not that it was perfect or there was no pain with relationships... I just choose to control the only thing I could... myself. The rest seems to fall into place.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us-Sorry that you are going through this...
When I was with my XABF I ended up pregnant and by the grace of God had to face a miscarriage but, at the same time I felt blessed.
I was in that position and feared raising my child around him-I brought myself to counseling and Al-Anon and his chances ran out-
I realized that raising my child (If I had that chance) I would have done it without him because I did not want my child raised in the manner that I was with alcohol and anger and violence all around!
Please check into possibly getting some type of help and please be careful with yourself now!
Keep posting and coming here there is a lot great advice-
When I was with my XABF I ended up pregnant and by the grace of God had to face a miscarriage but, at the same time I felt blessed.
I was in that position and feared raising my child around him-I brought myself to counseling and Al-Anon and his chances ran out-
Cynay-it does not matter if you want to raise the child alone or not... if he continues to drink and does not find recovery you will be raising the child without "its" father regardless if you stay in the relationship or not.
Please check into possibly getting some type of help and please be careful with yourself now!
Keep posting and coming here there is a lot great advice-
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Hey there and Welcome. You've come to a great place.
Becoming violent weather intoxicated or not is a total deal-breaker.
Violent, angry behavior will always escalate. Take care of you and your child sweetie. You can do it! Its a bit scary being a single mom but if you stay with him, you'll be raising two children.
Keep posting. There are some absolutely wonderful people here.
Becoming violent weather intoxicated or not is a total deal-breaker.
Violent, angry behavior will always escalate. Take care of you and your child sweetie. You can do it! Its a bit scary being a single mom but if you stay with him, you'll be raising two children.
Keep posting. There are some absolutely wonderful people here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi and Welcome! I'm sorry you are hurting, but glad you found us.
On the child not having a father, I say if you can manage without him GET OUT NOW before he has a chance to hurt you or the child. Part of my story and what brought me here is my background with my own father.
My parents married and everything was fine for the first 7 years or so. Then, my father started drinking more frequently. That turned into every night. After years at that pace, he got worse. By that time, three kids were involved. When I was 2 or 3 (I'm the youngest) my father started to get violent. He didn't hit my mom at that point, but would throw things, punch walls, etc. Then he decided hitting her was better. After he would hit her, he would hit us. The last week we lived with him, this is how it went. He hung my oldest sister out a two story window by her feet and kept threatening to drop her as we all watched in horror, all while screaming at my mom that if she didn't do as he asked, he would drop her. a few days later, he came home drunk and mad. He poured gas all over the stairs of our wood frame house with us on the top floor and threatened to light it with the lighter he was holding in his hand. When that wasn't enough, a few nights after that, he choked my mom until she was blue. He stopped when he saw me come out of the bedroom because it got to quiet.
My sister married a carbon copy of my father. He used to hit her, but never the kids. Her alcoholic husband set her house on fire when he passed out with a cigarette in his hand. He lived because my 3 year old niece woke him up. He got the two oldest kids out, but not my nephew, who was 5 months old at the time. Someone driving by stopped to help and broke through a window to pull him out of his crib because myy brother in law was too drunk to do it. He has medical problems because of it, but is otherwise a happy 13 year old now. My sister left her husband right after. He emotionally abused the kids until he died at the ripe old age of 40 from the disease.
I'm not trying to upset you, but this is often the reality of the disease. Please don't let this be you. If he's already violent, it will only get worse.
:ghug3
On the child not having a father, I say if you can manage without him GET OUT NOW before he has a chance to hurt you or the child. Part of my story and what brought me here is my background with my own father.
My parents married and everything was fine for the first 7 years or so. Then, my father started drinking more frequently. That turned into every night. After years at that pace, he got worse. By that time, three kids were involved. When I was 2 or 3 (I'm the youngest) my father started to get violent. He didn't hit my mom at that point, but would throw things, punch walls, etc. Then he decided hitting her was better. After he would hit her, he would hit us. The last week we lived with him, this is how it went. He hung my oldest sister out a two story window by her feet and kept threatening to drop her as we all watched in horror, all while screaming at my mom that if she didn't do as he asked, he would drop her. a few days later, he came home drunk and mad. He poured gas all over the stairs of our wood frame house with us on the top floor and threatened to light it with the lighter he was holding in his hand. When that wasn't enough, a few nights after that, he choked my mom until she was blue. He stopped when he saw me come out of the bedroom because it got to quiet.
My sister married a carbon copy of my father. He used to hit her, but never the kids. Her alcoholic husband set her house on fire when he passed out with a cigarette in his hand. He lived because my 3 year old niece woke him up. He got the two oldest kids out, but not my nephew, who was 5 months old at the time. Someone driving by stopped to help and broke through a window to pull him out of his crib because myy brother in law was too drunk to do it. He has medical problems because of it, but is otherwise a happy 13 year old now. My sister left her husband right after. He emotionally abused the kids until he died at the ripe old age of 40 from the disease.
I'm not trying to upset you, but this is often the reality of the disease. Please don't let this be you. If he's already violent, it will only get worse.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
A child is much much better off with one happy parent than 2 miserable ones.....
Listen to the advice that you receive here because hunny we have all lived it....been there and done that...don't take lightly our experiences and learn from the ones who have already been there. Save yourself a whole lot of heartache...it will be hard for you to leave him after that child is born because you will say things like: "But he is the father of my baby".....and: "I just know that the man I love is in there somewhere....he will get better if I only.......blah blah blah.." Are you following me yet hun?? BOUNDARIES....thats all they know and it's all they will abide by.
Janitw
Listen to the advice that you receive here because hunny we have all lived it....been there and done that...don't take lightly our experiences and learn from the ones who have already been there. Save yourself a whole lot of heartache...it will be hard for you to leave him after that child is born because you will say things like: "But he is the father of my baby".....and: "I just know that the man I love is in there somewhere....he will get better if I only.......blah blah blah.." Are you following me yet hun?? BOUNDARIES....thats all they know and it's all they will abide by.
Janitw
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
One other thought came to mind that I want to share with you.....
Of course the majority of people asked would tell you to get out of the relationship with this man but ultimately you're going to handle it the way you want to. I just want you to know that if you stay, be prepared to be with him as he is. This may clear up some of the fog.
I say all of this with love and experience. Please do read the stickies posted at the top of the thread. They are full of great stuff!!
Of course the majority of people asked would tell you to get out of the relationship with this man but ultimately you're going to handle it the way you want to. I just want you to know that if you stay, be prepared to be with him as he is. This may clear up some of the fog.
I say all of this with love and experience. Please do read the stickies posted at the top of the thread. They are full of great stuff!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
Welcome - glad you found your way here
Only you can decide how you want to live - keep posting and reading you will find support, strength and kindness as you work this through for you and your baby
shakarris
Only you can decide how you want to live - keep posting and reading you will find support, strength and kindness as you work this through for you and your baby
shakarris
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi there A2A, welcome to SR. I agree with the others here. He is not going to be able to be a father while he is drinking, and his abusive nature could turn to you and your child. I know it seems scary but you can make it on your own if you choose to do so. I was a single mum at 18yrs and my daughter will be 10 this year. It is important to do what is best for your unborn child right now and to put your emotions to one side. I know that sounds tough and it will be difficult but that little one growing inside you has no one else to speak up for them.
Lily xxxxxxxxxx
Lily xxxxxxxxxx
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Adding my Welcome!!!
So glad you are here...I trust that you will make the right decisions for you and your baby when you are ready...just keep thinking about what you and your baby really need. Keep coming back to SR...maybe read the sticky posts when you have the time. We are here! Take care of yourself #1.
So glad you are here...I trust that you will make the right decisions for you and your baby when you are ready...just keep thinking about what you and your baby really need. Keep coming back to SR...maybe read the sticky posts when you have the time. We are here! Take care of yourself #1.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Im addicted to an alcoholic and I deal with it by going to alanon meetings.
Hope and help is available to you there. Free of charge.
PS..I think your nick name says it all.
Good luck.
Hope and help is available to you there. Free of charge.
PS..I think your nick name says it all.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Three years ago my A son and his girlfriend came to me and my husband and announced they were pregnant. My husband and I told them that whatever they chose to do, we would love and support them in their decision. My son was trying to talk her into an abortion. She refused. I advised her that if she had the baby, she needed to be prepared to raise the child alone.....without my A son. I also told her that if she decided to have that baby, I would love the child with all my heart as a grandmother should.
Well, she did have that little boy. He is my sunshine. He's a beautiful, happy, SMART little guy. I see my beautiful son as a child in him and it makes my heart soar. My A son and she are no longer a couple. She's an amazing woman whom I admire so very much. She's a wonderful mother, great worker, and terrific college student too! Wow. She just blows me away.
She had hoped that the baby would "wake" my A son up. That he would have something special to get sober for. It hasn't worked so far. But that baby saved HER life. She was using right along with him up until the time she got pregnant. I am so thankful everyday that she doesn't hold me responsible or accountable for my son's addiction. She could have chosen to erase me from her life. She didn't. I have a wonderful relationship with her and I love my grandson so very much.
gentle hugs to you and your baby.
Well, she did have that little boy. He is my sunshine. He's a beautiful, happy, SMART little guy. I see my beautiful son as a child in him and it makes my heart soar. My A son and she are no longer a couple. She's an amazing woman whom I admire so very much. She's a wonderful mother, great worker, and terrific college student too! Wow. She just blows me away.
She had hoped that the baby would "wake" my A son up. That he would have something special to get sober for. It hasn't worked so far. But that baby saved HER life. She was using right along with him up until the time she got pregnant. I am so thankful everyday that she doesn't hold me responsible or accountable for my son's addiction. She could have chosen to erase me from her life. She didn't. I have a wonderful relationship with her and I love my grandson so very much.
gentle hugs to you and your baby.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 47
I found myself becoming physical with my agf. She would lie and manipulate everything and we would get so angry that it sometimes got physical. I could never believe I was acting out like that and couldn't understand why communication with this person I loved made me so enraged. It's never justifiable and beleive me I know that. I just never understood why we would get so angry at one another. They were only quick bursts of pushing or grabbing and quickly we were able to regain control but it's scary.
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