domanihope

I've been dating a alcoholic for a little over a year and now he's claiming that he is going to quit. I've heard this so many times and he only ever says this after I leave him. But now he wants me not to drink at all because he says its not fair. He says he wont be with me otherwise. I understand not drinking around him but I think I should be able to have a drink when I'm out with my girl friends considering I'm not the alcoholic. I think that it's not fair for him to want that. Am I wrong for this?

prodigal

So the two of you are arguing about what is "fair." We spend too much of our lives defining what is fair according to our own subjective opinions. What is fair for you is unfair for him. What is fair for for him is unfair for you.

Life is NOT fair. Period. You can waste your time arguing about what is fair in this case - read that to mean, "My way or the highway," - or you can get busy living your own life.

Sorry for sounding so harsh and abrupt. You have a right to drink with friends, alone, or with him. If he doesn't like it, tough. Lead your life as you see fit.

Oh, yeah, and consider dumping him and his threats. I'm sure he can find a new partner to boss around in short order. You deserve a whole lot better than this.

1963comet

No, you are not wrong for wanting to drink.

I quit drinking years ago. Hope you don't mind the reply. But when I first quit I wanted the whole world to stop also. But not everyone abused alcohol. I had to understand that. I am fine with people drinking today.

But it is almost impossible for a heavy drinker to quit if there is booze around. So, I guess it depends on how much you care about him to not drink in front of him.

Just giving insight to you. Good Luck

Kindeyes

I choose not to drink but it is my choice. It is for me (for some health reasons) and to support my A son.

daisies

I agree with Prodigal. Life is not fair. And I always add "and the fair left town last September" So have a drink with your girlfriends.
My sister is a recovering anorexic. Did we stop eating around her? heck no.
He sounds like my STBXAH who is not working a 12 step program and is instead "white knuckling" it. He needs to decide that he is serious about recovery.
Take care of yourself. Trust your gut.

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

I see this as a control issue.
He wants to dictate and that's a
in my world.

You deserve a partner ...not a prison guard.
Keep away from toxic people.

rkymtncowboy

Maybe at first when you are around him. When you are with friends you should do want you want. It's not like everyone in the restaurant is going to stop drinking when he comes in. When my wife tried this on me I told her I am worried she isn't getting well, she should have to depend on me for her own sobriety. I don't drink at home in front of her.

best

Couldn't put it any better then that.

NYC_Chick

My xabf did this as well. His reasoning was that if he couldn't do something he thought he could control, then I shouldn't do it either.

My therapist told me about something called "network support therapy" when he told me he had a drinking problem. The idea is not to drink around them, and of course no alcohol in the house. I tried this with him. He used it as a weapon. All the sudden I was treating him like a child and it was a reason to fight. I was a buzz kill, and not a supportive girlfriend. WTF?!

I think it's a control issue. They can't control themselves, so they try to control something or someone else. It's a tough call, but you ultimately have to do what is best for you. It's funny, we worry so much about altering our lives for the alcoholic to make them happy, but never stop to think about how these alterations will affect us and our happiness.

My therapist tells me now after the split to "sit" with myself and decide what is right for me. I think it may be good for you to do that, even if it means you eventually end up without him.

domanihope

Thank you all for your words. Its been a real help and I just cant believe how similar so many of our issues are. Ive lost myself in the last year to this and I just want my life back. The lies, the promises only after I leave him does he ever make an effort! I swear its like hes reading from a script but ive fallen for way to many times! It always last about two weeks, then hes drinking again, being verbally abusive and loses his job and usually gets kicked out of his apartment right after and everything goes downhill. And Im always the one picking up the pieces and I know thats where i went wrong Ive let him do this to me. Ive decided to leave him again but for good!! Its funny because he tries to turn it on me like Im the bad person for leaving. I just need to be strong because I cant do it anymore! Thank you all again!!

shakarris

Welcome to SR .. hope you stick around. You will find an amazing amount of strength, hope and support here.

shakarris

Mr. Christian

Life has many wonderful things to offer and enjoy.
Things taken in moderation can be part of this.
Drinking is one of them.
Some people enjoy it others do not.

People who rely on it and use it as a crutch are a different matter.
It would be hard for your friend to decide what the rest of the world around him should do.
Try going to a place to eat and telling the rest of the room not to drink.
Yep control has a factor here and so does choice.