LucyA

I told my brother a couple of months ago that I wasn't getting involved in his and my parents dramas anymore, wouldn't listen to his 'pity party' phone calls at 2am anymore and apart from keeping an eye on his son didn't want to be involved in his alcoholic life anymore, but I also told him I would be there for him if he seriously wanted to stop drinking and would do what I could to help.
Things have been fine for me since then ( I made it clear to my parents that I wan't going to be involved anymore too, and I haven't been) I've concentrated on me and my boys, had my nephew round and we've started rebuilding our relationships, it's all going well.
Last week my brother and I got talking on the phone, completely rationally and it was quite pleasant to be able to chat with him. He told me he's agreed to some kind of detox, which involves an injection and some level of medical supervision, I don't know much about this and I'm struggling to find anything out yet, he's waiting for a date to go ahead with it, he says he wants to stop drinking, change his lifestyle, his friends are not doing him any good (he says, not me) and he asked me for help.

I took a breath and said well, why don't you come to the game (rugby)on Sunday and we can talk, he said he'd see what his son was up to and get back to me. I know Sundays are difficult for him as his son is off school and he feels the responsibilities, blah blah blah but he still drinks.

Anyway, he phoned me tonight to arrange meeting up for the game, and I was gobsmacked, I didn't think he would in the end. I'm prepared to help him as far as I can,I know he'd be welcome in my social circle which isn't a drinking culture type social life and could help him get back to interests he had a few years ago.

My questions are - is it worth it? am I setting myself up for a fall? as he's shown an interest do I go with it? how far do I go?
I really don't know what the most important question is, I just feel like everyone deserves a second chance and if I can be some kind of catalyst in my brother getting his it's worth a shot.

I'm sorry this is so long, thank you for reading if you got this far, and any input is welcome. I'm a little confused.

peaceteach

Hi LucyA! First, let me say that I just LOVE the Brit expressions (gobsmacked!) and how this site draws people from all over this world together

I think it sounds nice that he is reaching out to join you in a healthy, positive activity. It doesn't sound to me like being a codependent action, but rather a supportive sibling who knows that it's lonely being a single dad. You aren't offering to move him in and take care of him. It's a daytime activity that involves being out in a social setting without alcohol involved. Maybe he wants to join the human race again and needs a helping hand back to normalcy. It doesn't mean he's cured, of course, but it doesn't sound like a boundary violation for you. Don't put high hopes on it, just go with the flow that day and enjoy your family.

Spiritual Seeker

Many addicts do a revolving door of rehabs or other attempts at sobriety before they actually stay in recovery. It would seem if he is asking for help he is willing. That is a crucial 1st step. There is no cure, but maybe his willingness will lead him to do the work to get and stay sober.
I too believe in 2nd chances. Addiction is a progressive deadly disease. Treatment is not a straight route. Help to the level you are capable at this time. With my son, I have to make sure that I am not being manipulated, lied to or making his ability to use easier.
In your mind have you eliminated those three?

LucyA

thanks to you both for replying so quickly

Spiritual Seeker, I'm not sure if I have eliminated the 3 points you make, I think Sunday may help to do that in my mind, actions speak louder than words for me and up to now we've only been talking.

peaceteach, I don't have high hopes but the fact that he wants to do this looks like a start to me, thank you for validating what I was scared to think, as for the Brit expressions, I'll see if i can dig a few more up :-)

Fulldresser4

Please find out if it is Vivatrol...I can tell you from experience this medication/shot does NOT work if you don't want it too...Pm me for more details.

LucyA

Does anything work if you don't want it to?
I have no idea what it is, and I don't want to do too much 'snooping' to be honest, our relationship is still pretty fragile at the moment and I don't want to push him too much just to find out what it is, he seems to want it to work now (thats how I see it anyway) and I'm willing to support that. However, I need to be armed with knowledge for myself, I can't support something I know nothing about so I'll pm in a sec, thank you.

LucyA

Oh well, I should have known better (deep down I did know better) just phoned the brother and he wasn't home, his little one said he didnt know where he was so I asked if he was home alone and guess what? yup he is. Quick call to his dads mobile on the pretense of checking arrangements for today tells me he's in the pub. I couldn't care less where he is really, but leaving the kid home alone isn't on at all. He's blown his chances with me too many times now. I'm going to speak to Childrens services (again) about him leaving my nephew, hopefully this time they'll do something more than phone and let him know what time they are going to visit him.

I'm off to the game anyway, with my nephew.

peaceteach

Lucy,
You offered a hand up. He "wants" it to stop, but just doesn't have the tools or the complete desire yet, evidently. It's out of your control, and I hope you don't take any more responsibility for his choices than that. In other words, it's not personal, towards you, your nephew, your family, really anyone. It's just a terrible addiction that is winning right now.

That said, I just am so proud of your actions, little Brit. Your last line--"I'm off to the game anyway, with my nephew" made my heart feel great, way over here. You didn't try to "rescue" the alchoholic, but you continued with your plan AND didn't disappoint your nephew either! Your nephew is the one who is truly suffering here, with a life so out-of-control and at such a young age. That boy is just so utterly powerless, without a mother to at least be a buffer and a constant in his life with an alcoholic parent. I thank God that he has you in his life, as a loving presence and a constant advocate. This is what true FAMILY means to me. Taking care of the kids--all the kids--as if they were your own. I hope you guys had a great time at today's game

Growing

(((Lucy)))

I have grown to admire you from your posts. I see your strength. You are doing great! I know it is difficult...but I think even the ups and downs with your brother will get easier. You are protecting yourself...not enabling him...and only communicating with him about sobriety issues or your nephew. You are an outstanding aunt! Keep up those boundaries...I love that you didn't get too involved with him on the phone...but made an appointment with him on a later date to discuss treatment...gave you some room and gave him the opportunity to show up...he didn't this time...letting you know where he is at with sobriety at the moment...all useful knowledge...maybe next time he will put forth the effort....he is blessed to have a sister who desires and works for recovery like you.

Just want to agree with everything Peaceteach had to say, also.

LucyA

thank you both for your comments, sometimes I feel far from strong where my brother is concerned, but up to now I'm happy I've managed to show strength when I've needed to (even if I've faked it once or twice) most of the strength comes from here, reading about everyone elses experiences and ways of dealing with things, a little bit of it comes from inside me. I'm so grateful for this place and eveyone who uses it and I hope one day I'll be able to help and support someone as much as I've been helped here.

We won by the way, great game but way too cold, am off to warm up with chicken soup x

LucyA

forgot to say, met my brothers recently ex gf at the game, we watched it together and chatted about everything under the sun, except him, she's doing well too and I'm happy for her.

peaceteach

People told me I was strong when I didn't feel strong at all, Lucy. Looking back now, I realize that strong means putting one foot in front of the other, faking it till you make it, instead of letting out of control circumstances pull you under. My friend reminds me of the Hall and Oates song: "The strong give up and move on, the weak give up and stay." Keep walking the walk, and trust us when we say we see your strength.