DESIGNER

I have not been writing for sometime because things have been "getting Better" but all hell broke loose and today I am feeling like I just need to be done and accept that this is never going to work and move on. Things were going pretty good up untill Tuesday night. He came home from work around 12:30pm and he had sprite with him. He hates sprite and only drinks it with vodka. I questioned him about it and he told me that he did not have any thing to drink. Lying to my face I finally was able to get it out of him by lying myself and by saying that a drink sounded pretty good about right now. He smiled and was like well then I will poor you one. Well basically once he told me the truth I said that is all I need to know and went to bed. Well 4:00a.m he comes stumbling into the room trashed. Well of course the next morning I confronted him(so mad at myself for doing that)-I have been doing well with just turning away and ignoring him when he is like that-so much easier but for some reason I could not take it. It esculated into a fight and we somewhat resolved it and he gave me a hug and said he was going to run some errands. Ok didn't think anything of it. Well he did not come home untill 1:30a.m and his friend was knocking on the door saying that he needed help getting my ab out of the car. Well of course i refused and he ended up making it in and passing out. He woke up a little while later and decided that he was going to run about 3 miles to get his car(I was asleep and unaware of the situation). Called him in the morning-told me what he did and when I asked him where he was said that he refused to tell me. Said that he was fine and that he was in his truck and not to worry. I told him that what he had done was crazy and not normal. He said to me that that is why me and him will never work because what he had done was normal and my normal is not his normal(well I guess not) He said that I had a problem with letting our relationship go. Yes I do have somewhat of a hard time with it because I see another person when he is not drunk. Someone who is sooo wonderful and thoughtful and is constantly telling me he loves me so much(ha just last week). But by him saying that to me this morning I know for sure now that I am done. God 4 long years of dealing with this and we are not even married. All I need to do is pick myself up and move on. Money is going to be tight and I will miss the Good bf he was but I am refusing to give anymore of my energy to him. I want an adult as my bf or husband and not a child. I am sick of taking care of him. I sound sooo strong right now but I am so scared of how I will feel tommorrow. We have a lease together till april so it is not like I can just leave the situation. God I so wish that I could but I can't right now. Please give me advice on how to be strong. I would love to know some of the things that others have done. I know that counseling and alanon are options but what I need advice on is how to be strong when I am at home and around him.

Barbara52

Soory its gotten intolerable for you but I hope this will lead you to a better life.

As to how to stay strong, I found writing down all the reasons why it was intolerable and referring to that in moments of weakness to be helpful. Perhaps even a little index card you can slip into a pocket with jsut a few things to remind you of how bad it really is in those moments when his manipulative words lead you to doubt yourself. I found it was the self doubts about the seriousness was one of the things that held me back form taking the actions I knew I had to take.

Zak68

Designer I feel your pain. It is amazing how blind the A's in our life can be. He thinks his actions are normal? Does he even consider the fact the driving drunk could kill someone else?

You are doing the right thing. I am getting out of my 15+ year relationship and it is hard. The comfort level of being with that person is huge but like you I care for the person she once was and despise who she has become.

The list is a great idea. I wrote one down a while back and it really sunk in to see it all laid out on paper. I keep it at my desk and use it to focus on where I want to be and that is as far away from her messed up situation that I can get.

Be strong and keep in mind that there are many wonderful people here who have a lot of great advice to give.

good_luck

Hey there. Sorry to hear about how things are going for you.

I second Barbara's idea of writing things down for later reminders. That has been insanely helpful to me.

I also recommend a book that I have just read. I am totally in love with it, and wish that I had it when I was in the midst of the breakup chaos and ugliness. The book is: When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron. It's a Tibetan Buddhist book, and I have found it incredibly thought- and peace- provoking. I really can't say enough good things about how effective it has been in changing the way that I look at things.

I hope that this isn't an offensive suggestion -- I don't mean to proselytize. And I hope you find a way to make your situation the best that it can be for you.

DESIGNER

good luck thank you for the advice and no I do not take offense to any suggestions.....very open minded individual despite what the ab is always telling me-thanks for the suggestions everyone. The list sounds like a great idea. I think that the hardest part for me that I am going to have to deal with is getting over the dream. I have read so many peoples threads about letting go of the dream. I think that sometimes I don't want to believe that he is an alcoholic. He is really good with making me feel that way. I have a girlfriend that always tells me differently but for some reason when there are days and weeks of sobriety and him being the man that I need him to be those thoughts disappear. I guess that this morning was such a rude awakening. What he did was not normal-I know that deep down but yet I still question myself-maybe if I never would have said anything about him drinking yesterday morning than none of this would have happened. I know this sounds stupid but that is where I am at. I also am just so dissapointed about something else.This Saturday we had plans to go to this really formal event. His mom is the vice president of a company that deals with raising funds for charity-she wants us both to be there soo bad-she has paid for everything including our oufits. THe tickets were like 100.00 a piece and I bought this beautiful dress to wear to the event. I was so excited. All week long I had been anticipating going and now he pulls this crap and I am so disappointed. Once again alcohol gets in the way. I was mostly excited because we are both still pretty young(27 and 28) and we usually don't get to do fancy things like this. I don't know if I am mad at him for that or the fact that we are breaking up-I know that sounds crazy but I think that I am a little messed up right now. I guess both but I have kind of felt this break up coming for a long time. I guess Saturday night was going to be a part of the dream that I have created. I hope this does not sound wierd. I should have known better.....this is not the first time that alcohol has ruined something that I was excited about. This needs to be my lesson learned for the hundreth time......get out. I just need help with coping. God I want so horribly bad for him to wake up and see how wonderful life can truly be. I know though from coming here that I cannot make that happen for him and I must move on and try to make a happy life for myself.

Mair

Hi Designer so sorry for your pain. I first ended it with my xab in July 07, and it hurts and i found myself going back for some reason or the other, he was ill, he was sober, he promised me to seek help, all sorts of excuses got me back. But slowly but surely i got stronger, i read books "codependant no more " and "under the influence" and most importantly i read and posted here. The more i read the stronger i got. Until eventually i didnt want to go back, that's when he told me he had cancer and i found myself going back but not with love, more with compassion for the man i loved. It was all a lie, and i found myself with a choice stay or run, and i ran. now i have a future. the dream was just that a dream.

I did the list thing and it is a really good way to stop those "i miss him feelings" I have 6 A4 pages of things that he has done to me (and to himself) and half a page of good times, it is an eye opener. I now have a list of things that I want to do for me and im focusing on that now. Keep posting you'll get there.

Mair

Lilyflower

I have found that it is important for me to live in the reality of what is. I constantly sugar coat my world to make it suit me. I have realised that this is a part of my codependency... an urge to control my surroundings, and also a defense mechanism I have to not facing and dealing with my inner pain. I have often thought things such as...

Now I have to be aware that things are as they are and accept my role, my responsibilities, my emotions and deal with it.

I think it shows great realisation that you have admitted that you are creating this dream. Our minds are so powerful, they can fool us into believing so much. I no longer want to be pulled through life by my mind, unconcious of how it colours my worldly views, and aimlessly plodding through my existance. Nowadays I want to be more watchful of my mind and direct my thoughts to healthier places.

He may do one day. For you though, is it in your best interest to hang around and wait for this? You have answered yourself.. 'I must move on', keep up with your recovery and stay strong. You are doing great!

Lily xxxxxxxx

FormerDoormat

I found strength by learning how to love myself.

Growing

I agree with FDM....you can be busy loving yourself..with that thought in mind,,,,,

"maybe if I never would have said anything about him drinking yesterday morning than none of this would have happened."----I didn't CAUSE it....I can't CONTROL it...I can't CURE it...

"This Saturday we had plans to go to this really formal event. His mom is the vice president of a company that deals with raising funds for charity-she wants us both to be there soo bad-she has paid for everything including our oufits. THe tickets were like 100.00 a piece and I bought this beautiful dress to wear to the event. I was so excited. All week long I had been anticipating going All week long I had been anticipating going and now he pulls this crap and I am so disappointed. Once again alcohol gets in the way....usually don't get to do fancy things like this....this is not the first time that alcohol has ruined something that I was excited about"----doesn't have to be this way....you have choices....why let him have this power over you?

I vote........YOU GO WITH HIS LOVELY MOTHER ANYWAY.....without him!

I am sure she will understand...its worth a try.

Going with her does NOT mean you have to be his girlfriend....but if it would be too stressful or emotional then discard my advice.

DESIGNER

I know that I need to start loving myself.....I just don't know what my fear is exactly. I think that over the years the ab has found a lot of faults in me(like sometimes being disorganized, saying something that doesn't make sense...he has a word for it actually, not being as great of a cook as him(he really is a fantastic cook but when I try to cook him something he is in the kitchen telling me what I am doing wrong), I want to lose like 20lbs and he will say little comments if I get seconds, points out that I talk to loud at times-I am outgoing-what it comes down to is that I always feel like he thinks that he is better than me. He will do this with other people also-always thinking that he is the best. I worked very hard to get to the point I am at and have my degree and a job that could make a lot of money one day if I stick with it and he has had many issues with keeping his jobs and not going to work. He says that he needs to find out what he wants to do. He is thinking about being a paramedic....I am soooo encouraging of it because he is a smart guy-family is very intelligent smart people. I guess maybe he acts this way toward me because he feels bad about himself which is probably why he drinks-it numbs him he says.

As far as going to the event on Saturday....this morning he said that he would go alone but than this afternoon he said that he thought that we were still going together and were going to put on a happy face for his mom(which proves to me that he was still drunk this morning when he talked with me). God I would love to got but I am usually soo outgoing around his family and they know me well enough that they will know something is up. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't want to ruin her night-she knows me very well. I hate this....I really do....why why why does he have to be like this? I just want an answer so bad. I have been crying all day at work....luckily I work alone in a office and did not have any clients in today. I have moments of hate and moments where I can't imagine life without him. I am soooo confused and wish that he would SNAP out of it-just like everyone else on this site wishes for thier loved ones!!!!

Growing

"I think that over the years the ab has found a lot of faults in me(like sometimes being disorganized, saying something that doesn't make sense...he has a word for it actually, not being as great of a cook as him(he really is a fantastic cook but when I try to cook him something he is in the kitchen telling me what I am doing wrong), I want to lose like 20lbs and he will say little comments if I get seconds, points out that I talk to loud at times-I am outgoing-what it comes down to is that I always feel like he thinks that he is better than me."----I can't help thinking, from what you have said that you have suffered verbal and emotional abuse.

"...he has had many issues with keeping his jobs and not going to work. He says that he needs to find out what he wants to do."----so, your saying he treats you like this and you support him financially?....am I missing something?.....he can't hold a job and he finds fault with YOU? He is mooching off you and talking to you like this?

I am outraged FOR you....

Does he call you names? Does he hit you?

I have "a word for it actually".....I have a word in mind for people like this.....



I can't help thinking, from what you have said that you have suffered verbal and emotional abuse.

DESIGNER

No don't worry he has never laid a finger on me. As far as financially supporting him.....HELL NO!!! That is one thing that I won't do for him...I don' care if he was broke and hungry.....get your but off the couch and work. I have no tollerance for people that are just plain lazy. He actually is working 3 jobs at the moment. They are all part time but together he probably works more hours than I do. From what I hear he is actually a very decent worker...I used to know one of his bosses really well. As for the stuff in the past that he has said and done well he blames it on how his mom raised him-everything is due to his parents divorce when he was 50-according to him.

He has to every thing in its place and he can't stand my messiness at times. I am working on it though...not for him but for myself.
As for the weight thing....yeah that is a different story. I think that physical appearance means a lot to him because of what he is like on the inside. I do complain a lot about loosing weight but sometimes I feel its because he doesn't seem like he wants me around and my stupid mind thinks that If maybe I were thinner things would be differant-but I actually deep down know that that is not true.

DESIGNER

As for the stuff in the past that he has said and done well he blames it on how his mom raised him-everything is due to his parents divorce when he was 50-according to him.


woops meant age 5!!! :ghug2

hope2bhappy

For me, it was an eventual acceptance. Alcoholism is a disease -- we hear this statement over and over again. This is so hard for most of us to accept because we cannot associate it with germs or viruses, as in other "respectable" diseases. Nevertheless, we will see substantial progress in ourselves once we realize that it is a physical, mental and spiritual illness that has no single isolated cause. I cannot stop it, any more that I can make a sick person get well. How does the knowledge that the alcoholic is sick work on me? It changes my attitude towards him. It replaces my rage and frustration with quiet patience.

I possess, and have used, a whole armory of weapons: nasty and superior tone of voice, irresponsible accusations, nagging, tears and hysteria. These weapons are killers. They kill the alcoholic's desire to find a better way of life. They kill love and respect. They destroy the alcoholic by increasing his already-unbearable guilt. And they destroy me.

For years I fought the alcoholic, while my real enemy was the disease. When I realized and accepted this, I became determined and resolved in my fight. I will not fall in with the alcoholic's craving for punishment to relieve his guilt. I will not scold and cry, for it will not help me overcome the difficulties we are trapped in. I will try very hard to deal with my day-by-day difficulties with quiet poise, remembering always that I am doing this for my own benefit -- and perhaps his.

DESIGNER

Gosh thank you so much for saying that. That is my number one killer of me right now. I feel soooooo GUILTY for doing all this all these years. I mean at one time I actually believed that if I were " Normal " and not so " Uptight" and relaxed a little that he would not drink as much. I guess a little part of me still feels that way but it is what it is. I cannot change what has happened just as he cannot change what has happened. YOu just have to learn from your mistakes and move on. I am glad that you mentioned hysteria of all things. Gosh so many times he would say you are just crazy.....I was crazy because I was trying to fight something and I couldn't win.

One other note. I need to feel good about myself. I am going to go on Saturday and i am going to wear my beautiful gown and enjoy the night. The only thing that bothers me is that I just tried my gown on and I didn't feel as beautiful in it as I felt in the store. I had people around me-total strangers walking up to me and telling me that it looked gorgeous on me but when I tried it on the other night for abf the first thing that came out of his mouth was what is with the neck line? It actually makes the dress really unique. All he could have said is honey that looks really good on you but instead it has to be criticism. When he had his tucks on the other night I kept on going on and on about how good looking he looked. It would have been nice to have returned the favor....maybe he really is just not attracted to me anymore....I am the huge factor that interupts his binging!!!!
(sorry just had to let that out):sorry

Growing

Keep coming back to SR Designer...

I think face to face alanon meetings would be great for you....when you are ready.

You need a support group.

You need recovery and recovery will take time. But "the journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step".

I would love to watch you begin to love yourself more. You deserve better treatment than what you are getting. You didn't do anything wrong to deserve this constant criticism.

Growing

Glad to hear you will go (work that beautiful gown) and hopefully, enjoy yourself. Just ignore any stressful people and focus on having a good time!