sodetermined

Hi, there! I am new to this board, but unfortunately not new to the roller coaster of being with an alcoholic. I grew up in a house where my mom was a codependent, my dad was an alcoholic. Well unfortunately I have carried on the "family tradition", I have lived with my alcoholic boyfriend (abstaining meth addict) for 2 1/2 years. It has been a roller coaster ride from hell, Chris has been incarcerated twice, the first time for an alcohol related accident, the second time for physical abuse on me. He went through treatment, meeting, anger management, etc. I waited, read all the letters, believed all the promises, only to have him back to drinking within a matter of days of getting out (oh, but he can control it now - RIGHT). Well, what has changed....with him. He has not been physically abusive again. When we get into an argument, he leaves. But Chris is a very emotionally abusive person.....bullies, etc. He does this to me, and my son also. My son is 8, and lost his dad when he was only 15 months old (to cancer). Well it has taken me about 2 years to get to where I am now....which is being very educated about my own disease, codependency. So only in the last couple of months have I gotten strong enough to pack his things, after making him leave. See Chris likes to take off all weekend, show back up on Sunday night and expect to come home. I finally got tired of that. But then I took him back, once again. The first couple weeks of the New Year, he did great. But a week ago this last Friday, he left AGAIN. Long story short, he had a drunken party weekend, hung out with drunk friends, hit on a girl at the bar, tried screwing another woman, and I also found out that two weeks prior (right before he came back and was doing good), he got drunk and was hitting on yet another woman.

This devastated me. Not only did I cry that whole weekend he was gone, but then after I found out about the "attempt to cheat", I cried even more. But I told him I was done for good this time, packed the remainder of his things, and took them to him. For this past week and 1/2, I felt better and better every day, I mean some days were hard, but I was starting to look better, feel better, and felt so impowered. I started thinking about moving on without Chris, was was taking care of me.

Throughout this time, I was not able to "not take his calls". So I still had contact with him, while the whole time he denies the attempts at cheating, blames his "leaving" on me (of course), still doesn't seem to see the big picture. Now as far as enabling, I've done my fair sure. I am the enable that yells, screams, gets very angry. I have gotten much better with this. I REFUSE to let him get me that mad. I've also helped "cushion" his fall many times.

But Tuesday night I had invited in to go to a meeting with me....a meeting to find out more about a self improvement program a friend of mine was telling me about. We got back late, so I agreed to let him stay...of course we were intimate, then yesterday I didn't have to come in to work due to the weather here. So of course he's there all day, being sugary sweet. But I tell him I still need time, I need to work on my own recovery, and hopefully he would do the same. But he still refused to even talk about/admit he has a problem. So he ended up staying again last night, as he had asked to use the heated garage to work on his truck, so he ends up staying again, then this morning as he was leaving to go cut wood and I to come to work, he says "see ya tonight". Like nothing happened. Everything is back to normal....for him. Now I don't know what to do. I love this man so much, but I know if nothing changes, then nothing will change and he will hurt me again and again. He can do really good for a couple weeks, but then the addiction gets the best of him and he's mean and disrespectful. Not to mention, he's gotten fired, AGAIN from his job, so he is bringing no money in.

I don't know, I'm just so...disappointed in myself, number one that I was stupid enough to let him stay again. Now I have to admit, that wasn't all him, I made him think it was ok to stay. But I plan to have a talk with him when I get home. A talk about...if he stays, what boundaries I have. Please help me...what do I say, to not put him on the defense, to let him know what I require of him without sounding controlling...I'm so confused. I don't even know if I want him to stay, I mean if he were to really work on recovery, then ok....but what kind of boundaries do I set?

2 1/2 years of this is enough for me, I am ready for my life to change.

Sorry so long, I appreciate anyone that took the time to read through my story. Any questions? Just ask.

shakarris

I am sorry that you are hurting - please do not be disappointed in yourself - recovery is a process...

there will be more along that will be of more help to you as I am still learning how to deal with this crazy world i live in..

welcome I am glad you found this site

shakarris

Lilyflower

Hi there Soconfused, welcome to SR.

From reading your story I get the impression that you are working hard on your recovery right now, but that you are still allowing your (is he ex?) alcoholic boyfriend to compromise your boundaries.

i think you need to answer some questions to yourself. Do you still want a relationship with this man? If yes, would you want him to live with you, or elsewhere while you work your recoveries? You have said that he has left you and come back time and time again. The last time you...

Now he has slipped back in IMHO being quite sneaky. It seems that he thinks he can stay, you never invited him back for good but he is twisting the situation to his advantage and well and truely staying put, with or with out your permission. This is wrong. He shouldn't manipulate you this way. IMO unless you have asked him back, you should tell him that he is out again asap. Unfortunately, and as harsh as it may sound, he is only acting this way because he knows you will allow it. He has come and gone before in this way, and knows that you will just take this treatment from him.

One thing bothers me...
IMHO if he has physiacally abused you enough to be inprisoned for it, he doesn't deserve to be with you. Also his abuse is continuing, daily making you feel small, his coming and going is just an extension of this abuse. He does whatever he wants... and you do/say nothing. Plus you have a son facing this same abuse? As a mother you have got to think what is best for him. You knbow how a disturbed childhood effacted you, now you are allowing that to happen to your son.

So now, he is cheating on you, living on your income, coming and going as he pleases, abusing you and your son, still drinking and hasn't even admitted he was wrong or that he needs help.

I've gotta say, in this senario I can't see why you would even consider wanting him around. I know that that's something you have to decide upon, and I can understand you not wanting to end it, as your self worth and confidence are so low right now.

Please think of you and your son's safety and well being and act accordingly. Boundaries will be useless with this man, unless you become strongh enough to enforce them with him. Right now IMHO he is treating you terribly, are you going to allow someone to continue treating you and YOUR SON that way?

Please stick around and keep posting, I really do hope you find the strength to do the right thing for your family.

Blessings
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

BohemiMamaof3

I just wanted to say Hi & welcome to the board.
Sorry you are really going thru it right now.

Barbara52

Welcome.

I have to ask why you are willing to put your son in such a situation? From my POV, its one thing for you to choose to live with the madness but another when you are putting your son at risk.

sodetermined

Well I told him this last time, that we could still see each other, but that I didn't want to live together and he gives me a complete ultimatum that if we're not gonna live together then he's gonna "move on" and find another place. (with no job) So I say fine but then I give just a little and he does take that situation and knows that it's hard for me to be strong as I have showed him in the past.

Chris is a manipulator of the best kind and he is very selfish. I would even say he's somewhat of a narcissist, it's like everything is about him.

I just thought this was all the nature of the disease, I guess. (the emotional abuse, controlling behaviors, etc.)

Well he has been through the anger management and has not been physical since but certainly has not stopped trying to make us "feel little". My son is currently seeing a counselor because of anger issues. So I am not ignoring this, I guess it's just so hard to give up hope. Then when I do get strong, he threatens that he will be done with me for good, then I cave a little, then he takes a lot, then I get myself sucked right back in.

Barbara52

You can be manipulated into further and deeper involvement only if you choose to be.

You deserve better than what you have!

If you cannot be strong for yourself, perhaps you can be strong for your son? Remember your son is learning what an adult male is supposed to do, how a father and husband is supposed to behave (even if your boyfriend is neither).

Emotional abuse is not acceptable behavior from anyone IMO regardless of the involvement or lack of alcoholism. You do not have to accept it.

Do you go to AlAnon or therapy? You might find it very helpful.

Rella927

Welcome to SR Socon Glad that you found us! Please read some stickies at the top of the forum-there is some useful stuff there!

So sorry that you are going through this, you are not alone-

Please keep you and your son safe!

Keep posting here-

bluejay6

confused,
my heart goes out to you. as i read your post, i keep thinking of the brainwashing which occurs to cult members. i know you know intellectually all that is wrong in your situation, how truly awful it is and debasing, but you are unable to take action to save your own life and your son's childhood. i am so sorry. i think we don't really understand how powerful someone's psychological manipulation can be and how it can make a person so confused she cannot act nor think clearly anymore. this is not your fault. you are being psychologically abused, just as if he were hitting you day after day, and it has beaten you down.

i think you will probably need more than just reading books and 12 step meetings. i think you will need professional counseling to help you and i do hope you seek it as soon as possible, for you are suffering so, and your son's life is being impacted. he is picking it all up. children do. and you mention he is seeing a counselor about anger. that would make sense: since you aren't angry enough to take action and change things, he is the one acting out the anger. so i am glad he is getting help. you are a good mother to do that for him. please keep him in counseling as long as the counselor thinks necessary.

maybe a good start would be to call the domestic violence hotline, explain you are being severely emotionally abused, and ask for references to counselors who help women escape these situations.

much love to you.

sodetermined

I have already been reading through the wonderful postings at the top, and have printed some off.

I have already tried getting him to read this board, too, but nope. Nothing is wrong with him, he is fine when he drinks, the only problem we have is when I bitch about it...well okay that and you've lost your job, yet again, you've killed a horse because you were drinking and driving, you take off all weekend to drink with your buddies, you've already lost your wife and kids, now you're about to lose me...but the drinking is only a problem for me.

I don't know I dread seeing him and talking to him tonight because he will be so angry with me when I say, I still don't want to move right back in. But he doesn't see it yet, he doesn't want recovery and I do.

Lilyflower

I wouldn't bother trying to get him to read through any of it with you. When he's ready he will seek help, just like you did. This was my abf 7 or 8 months ago, he knew he had a problem, at lucid moments he would acknowledge it. However he would always say, 'the only problem we have is your attitude!' Do you know what though?- he was partly right. My reaction to his drinking was causing us alot more angst, stress and resentment. Did you read anything about enabling on the stickies? It is hard to comprehend at first but we actually contribute to the problem by how we react to it. I can see this now through 5 months of work and hindsight. The link to some enabling info is... Games Alcoholic Families Play

Cool, then go get it girl!!! Let him to his own mess, he's a big boy and will figure it out eventually. If he doesn't, let it be only HIS life he pulls through the dirt.

Glad you are reading up and liking what you see!

Lily xxxxxxxxx

Growing

I speak as an adult child of 2 alcoholics:

I want to speak for your son. I want to give him a voice.

This man is not his father...you are not married to him...he is just your boyfriend.

Please remove him from contact with your son. This mans alcoholism is affecting your son...you are receiving abuse...please...you can stop this...you are NOT an alcoholic...you have no excuse...for the sake of your innocent son...he shouldn't have to pay for your poor choices, but he already is....you are required to think clearly and do what is best for your son...

Mair

Welcome xx save your energy trying to get him to seek help he's not ready. does he live with you permanently?? If not set your bounderies no drinking when your here, dont contact me when your drunk. Or better still tell him no more and get on with your life with your son, i bet you'll have a happier future without him. I do feel your pain most of us have been there. You deserve BETTER.

Mair xx

FormerDoormat

Let's see, this guy is an alcoholic and drug addict, he's been incarcerated numerous times, he's unemployed, he mooches off of people, he routinely hits on other women (and probably is a cheater), he has anger management issues, and he's emotionally and verbally abusive...

and yet it would somehow be a tragedy if he were to follow through with this threat and leave?

I'd be doing a HAPPY DANCE!

Have you ever sat back and tried to figure out why you continue to invite this kind of trouble into your life? When I pondered this same question, Alanon helped me find the answer.

ARealLady

Please call a DV hotline and get yourself and your son out of this mess.

I know how difficult NO CONTACT is but that was the only way I was able to extricate myself from a sick relationship with XABF. No contact means you don't contact your A to accompany you to a meeting which you hope might help him. He knows where to get help if he wants it but he has to be the one to make that decision. There was no physical abuse in my relationship with XABF but the mental abuse was my limit as far as desiring any more contact with the man.

ICU, a regular on these boards, used some words once which gave me hope for my future and a mantra by which to gauge my relationships with others.

"The only people I will allow into my life are those who will enhance it."

XABF was not healthy for me and my relationship with him certainly was not anything I wanted to model for my children. Please, think of your son and what he is learning, think of yourself and how this relationship is making you feel and then take back the control.

ARL