shakarris

I go to alanon on monday am and thurs nites .. G knows this, he may not remember cause he usually passed out by the time I go on Thurs. I always turn my cell off, and when we are done I turn it back on and there they are a few nasty messages Tonight was no different

1. I must be on a date - hope it is good b**ch cause your not getting in when you get home -

2. Guess the gloves are off - do not know what it means..

I get home and he is awakem, still drinking and muttering under his breath. |I say nothing - really nothing - take my coat off make a coffee and settle in to watch TV - I know he will go to bed soon

Would anyone say anything in the am about it.. this is me time and lord knows i need it ...

I want to just go off when he gets like this but I know it does no good. I will be gone in 60 days, what I do is really none of his business - he made it this way when he choose to continue being a druken a$$ the past year.

anyone???

shakarris

WLDKATZ

stand yourr ground and remember to stay safe!

Spiritual Seeker

"I will be gone in 60 days" Does this mean you have a plan in place to move out on your own? If so, that is not much longer to ignore him when he is being obnoxious.
How great that you are working at your own recovery.

shakarris

yes I have a place - actually I am going back to the house I rented before I bought this one with him. It is beautiful - with a huge yard 1.5 acres for my dogs to run on. They are going to be so excited when they see they are back home

I know 60 days is not long and I do ignore well, I just feel like I need to call him on this when he is sober... in attempt that he can put his big boy pants on and play the hand that he dealt himself

shakarris

BayouSelf

Depending on how drunken he is when you came home, he may not even remember doing or saying what he did, so why not just let sleeping dogs lie.....sounds like you're doing a great job on taking care of you!

CBrown

Like Bayou, my first thought was "he'll never remember it."

I got jealous voice mails. R thought I was having an affair with the person who trains my horse. It simply wasn't a possibility as he is married, and we kid each other like siblings. But R got obsessed with it, and so every time I'd go to a show and couldn't talk on the cell for a couple hours, he'd accuse me of doing him. I never did anything but say "oh yeah, sure" and ignored the rest. He'd do it any time of the day.

I learned that anything he said in the late afternoon or evening would be out of his memory by the following morning. But those evening rants were his most volatile, too.

You know G better than we do. If you think he'll hurt you, that's one thing. If you think he'll forget it by morning, who cares what he says? It's tough, but I'd try to shrug it off as the rantings of a alcoholic. Focus on the end of chaos in 60 days.

CBrown

"When fighting monsters, we must be careful not to become one....."
Bayou, thank you for that reminder.

angelonmyshould

It's hard to get by until the grateful date we have set for ourselves. But, we do it.

Remember, Just when the caterpiller thought it's life was over it became a BUTTERFLY.

Right now your life is like the caterpillars but in March you will become the butterfly. How cool is that?

Rella927

Shak a lot of good stuff said-and my first thought too after I read your post too! "He'll never remember it"

I too as CB learned with my XABF same thing-It did not matter what time of the day it was if I was with any of my friends, be it a guy or girl I was "doing them or someone" and then it began to get worse and I was "doing people at work". Everything was my fault-any problems with his x-wife- my fault. Amazing how I can be at fault for all his issues and mine! :crazy at night he turned into a "Monster" and when he was sober "I'm so sorry-please forgive me-it won't happen again-I love you so much-quack quack quack" And mind you 2 years now we are broken up and he still stalks me-or at least tries to and still not even that is his fault!

The bottom line is that you have a plan in place and you are moving in the right direction! Keep putting those feet forward for yourself-keeping the mouth zipped and working on me always seemed to be the best thing for the most important person which in your case right now would be YOU!

Keep us posted and good luck to you! Stay safe!!

nowinsituation

You already know the answer to this -- "I know it does not good" It won't accomplish anything, and it probably won't even make YOU feel better. Take the high road -- and keep counting down those 60 days.

Miss Pink

what could you possibly say that would make any difference to him?

karmakoma

It's a big old pain in the backside when people turn up the emotional manipulation, isn't it?

That sums it up, to me. So, why would you bring it up to him and stir the situation? Indeed, even if he raised it again, why would you dignify any of his BS with any response other than "I'm sorry to hear you feel that way"?

You don't have to convince him that you have been affected by his drinking. The brilliant thing in all of this is that you have convinced yourself of that fact and that you are doing things to heal.

shakarris

thanks all .. |I said nothing, I know it would not do any good - I know 60 days is not far off but I am so tired of the crap..

as said above I am on the countdown

shakarris

karmakoma

Have you thought about deleting the texts without reading them? And going to another room when he starts grumbling?

I know it's tough, but you are unlikely to get him to stop by either arguing your point or asking nicely. Don't reward him with any response to that stuff and that might make a difference. And if it doesn't, the most important thing you have done is minimised the impact on you.

shakarris

karmakoma, they are not texts but voice mails and lots he leaves I never even listen too, and I do walk away. Funny this is what made the explosion just before xmas that made me see i had to get away and soon.. I knew I was going to make the change in 08 just did not know how fast

he was really really drunk as as usual.. it is early and in bed by 4ish.. I have dinner and watch the news. About 6 ish he wakes up and the walk as I call it begins.. from the bedroom to the kitchen to get a beer ( like he needs more) anyways as he stumbles through he is muttering, stupid b**ch, waste of skin blah blah blah... this happens every 20 -30 mins - heck take the beer into the bedroom then I can have some piece( I think it - do not say it) - my gf calls me about 730 to go for coffee- and I go. The next walk through the house I am not there ( that has never happened before) and he goes ballistic.. and the phone calls start - I ignore them.. was gone about 1 hour.. came in never said a word to him then and not for days after... from there on in .. the light came on and I became all about me....


shakarris

Cynay

Sweetie... think about what your asking. He does not have "big boy boxers" anymore. You are asking a blind man to see.... Detachment and Acceptance is what works for me in these situations. I could also suggest something else that helped... I found my compassion in the rooms of Open AA meetings.... might be worth a shot.

karmakoma

shakarris, I've been away, so I haven't had time to catch up on your story and apologise for that. Is there anyway that you can move out sooner? I appreciate that sometimes it is financially difficult, however, I also know all to well that sometimes peace is worth the financial hit.

hello-kitty

I think you should just save your breath. He's trying to bate you. It's all a game shakarris. Don't play it.

ARealLady

What a relief to read remarks like this and know that I am not alone!

I have had the "accusations" emailed to me in cryptic articles about why women cheat and signs your partner is cheating. And they get sent late at night when XABF is obviously drunk and pondering how he got to where he is. Of course, it's never HIS fault.

And Rella....I am being stalked online too. He has followed me to another forum. I changed my screen-name and thought I was secure. He lurked in the chat room until he identified me and then emailed some of my posts to my estranged-H. STBXH warned me that the guy is off his rocker....when drinking, IMO. I have stayed away from XABF and maintained NO CONTACT. People tell me he wants a reaction from me and, because his life revolves around drinking, he has all the time he needs to keep seeking that reaction. Comes home from work, starts pouring the drinks, logs into a chat room on the off chance I will go there, feels sorry for himself, has some more drinks and I am the B***** from hell!

Shak...I tried to reason with XABF when he was sober and he was apologetic. But when drinking, he was like a dog with a bone. He just would not "let go" of all the people who were out to get him. And when I drew my final boundary with him, I became public enemy #1.

Stay safe until you can leave!

ARL

CBrown

OT ....

I am constantly amazed by comments "he's stalking me", "he keeps calling me" and "it's hard to shake an alcoholic."

I don't get it ... my XABF (I've known him for 10 years) last called me in early September and it's like he never gave me a second thought. I'm sure those of you who can't shake their alcoholics once & for all would like to trade their situations with me in a heartbeat. And mind you, I do NOT want stalked, as I had a creepy non-A admirer a few years back.

Am I being too complacent? Will he darken my doorstep again? I almost feel cheated that he didn't come back so I could tell him to take a hike again! Just kidding, but maybe I was pretty effective when I laughed at him on the phone back then.