queenteree

I know we've been thru this before about did you stay or leave, etc., but since I've been here and getting to know all of you, it seems like 98% of us do leave and 2% of us (if that) stay. Just curious. Anything else you want to add is OK too.

Barbara52

I left STBXAH. Hoping taking away his major enabler would help him. Knowing leaving was the right thing for me.

daisyjen

still sitting on the fence. ya know, i am a codie, can't decide whats better for me and the kids. he's been sober a yr this week, but my deep love for him was destroyed during the 15 yrs of a sham of a marriage. he's staying sober, but... if i think about what i want, i am already gone. i feel selfish for that... sigh...

RosieM

I'm in limbo, too. Told him I need until the end of January and then I guess we'll talk about what we want. So I don't have to decide right now. There is also some talk of couples counseling so we might give that a shot. I've just had so little contact with him the past few weeks I'm not sure who he is - is he that guy who told me "What can I say, I'm an a##hole" as he was walking out the door? Someone told me one time - once a person shows you who they are, believe them. So I think I might have just answered my own question.

Wascally Wabbit

I left. Things turned around for me in a very good way too. He didn't leave me in a good position financially, but NO MORE CHAOS!! That part is worth it all!

BayouSelf

I kicked exAH out of house and filed for divorce....hardest decision I've ever made, but two and a half years later, best decision I could have ever made. Couldn't see it at the time, but now looking back, my life is much less complicated and painful.

hope2bhappy

I stayed. I was lucky enough to see him reach sobriety. I was just about ready to throw in the towel (after about 22 years), and something happened which convinced him to turn his life around. I didn't stay because he got sober. I stayed because he is a really great person, whom I like very much. Sobriety was an unexpected bonus. Yes, I realize I just said "like." But I learned I had a habit of loving the worst of the worst over the years, and spent a lot of my young life "loving" guys I never really liked. Right now, it's important to me that I like him.

shakarris

60 days wnd I will outta here ..

WOO HOO

shakarris

NoChoice

I rolled out, broke camp sister. I knew (somehow) that I didn't deserve what I was getting. I knew that I could not live like that and have my life seperate from his. The lawyer took my case to court since I am in Iraq (until tomorrow) so when I get home, I don't have to deal with it. Oh it is sad, very sad. Felt like a ton of bricks hit me when the lawyer emailed and told me it was done. The lawyer said XAH had some docs from the my engagement ring that the lawyer sent to my Mom's...whatever, he wants it back...I just don't care. I blocked all of his email and didn' look back. I don't regret a second of it. I am gonna work on me once I get home and I really don't want to be in a relationship with an A again, despite the fact that I am an A, unless that A is really working a program, seperate from mine.

hope2bhappy

QT - In reading some of your other posts, I sense that this is something you've really struggled with. Part of you wants to (or knows you should) leave. Another part of you seems to be searching for reasons or validations for staying. I know how you feel.

A therapist once told me that we are no where in life by accident. Though I'm sure there are various ways to interpret this comment, I took this to mean that we are always where we are meant to be. I have relied heavily on my HP to lead me when I don't know which path to follow. Sometimes, I feel as if I am standing still... doing nothing. It's when I'm standing still and quietly listening with my heart that the answers usually come. When I find myself at a fork in the road and don't know which way to go, I wait for directions. Most times, a set of circumstances or opportunities will appear before me, and it becomes clear which path I should take. Sometimes, there is silence, and I stand there seeing only dead ends down each path. This tells me that I am not ready to commit to either path. I don't have to make a decision today. As I've posted before, inaction is always better than action when you are uncertain.

nowinsituation

Hope2b - Everything you said above to relates to my feelings as well. A year ago I knew I was unhappy, and felt trapped in my marriage. I didn't even know alcohol was involved then! I began praying for God to show me how to be happy, or show me how to get out. The strangest things began to happen which I interepreted as signs from God -- including my discovering how much my AH was drinking. It is hard to explain but it was like "a voice from God" one day told me to "count the beer". Still I turn to others here (and everywhere) for validation that I am "right" and he is "wrong". It doesn't seem to be "right" for me to be doing something that hurts people so badly. But I was miserable in my marriage, and I know in my heart he will never change (not just the drinking, but his whole attitutude about life). When I pray about it I feel so calm and sure that it is right, but my head still spins with doubt about how this could possibly be the right thing. So, yesterday I gave the papers to my attorney and the ball continues to roll, and I am still beating myself up and trying to see how I could have done things differently.

2Growstrong

I am newly divorced from my exah although we lived apart for almost a year prior to the divorce. I have come to understand that my ideas about love were naive and superficial. I had the hardest time ( and still do occasionally) accepting that I spent 20 years of my life with someone who didn't love me the way "I" want to be loved. So history can't be rewritten....and I want more from life. I also believe that as hope2b said, "we are where we are supposed to be". I think the reason it's so hard to go is fear of the unknown. Fear of staying just has to weigh a little more. You will do the right thing. Maryanne

GiveLove

I stayed.
Then I stayed.
Then I left.
Then I returned.
Then I stayed.
Then I stayed.
Then I stayed.
Then I stayed.

Then I left.

I'm not sure, but splitting it into "stayed" or "left" makes it sound like we just up and packed a suitcase one day, and never tried to make it work. I dont' think any of us ever did that.

JT

I believe that often there is just not a clear "good" choice. And I also believe that you can choose to be happy within either one of those two not quite so perfect choices. So far I stay and live with active alcoholism and I can choose to be as happy or sad as I want. If I made the choice to leave my financial situation might not be as secure and again I can choose to as happy or resentful of that as I want to be.

When there are children involved I vote for the children. How many of us are where we are because we are adult children? Our children don't listen to us they watch us.

When there is abuse or violence involved that should not be tolerated and I count as abuse drinking away the electric bill or not bringing home the paycheck. There needs to be some sense of security to live happily.

But often none of these things are involved and we "wait for direction" that never comes. Sometimes it is not clear.

angelonmyshould

I'm like GiveLove. I stayed I stayed I left I returned and I'm still here trying to figure out why I am still here. There's no more love, there's no more relationship. So, why am I here?

spinner

I am staying (for now). My ABF is almost 1 year sober and working very hard on his recovery and facing his underlying fears. We are going to relationship counselling which is amazing. I am realizing that in our relationship everything is NOT his fault! Talking with the counsellor I am able to express my deepest fears and anger and still feel safe.

Feeling hopeful at the moment.

peaceteach

My record is right up there with GiveLove and JT....with "left" as the final score

whalespicy

one night in motel
two nights
two nights
arranged month stay with family in another state
three nights
week
two nights
week
week
three nights
arranged month stay with family in another state
6 month apt
13 week travel contract
2 nights
3 nights
week
week
4 days visit to sister
week
home with AW in facility 'chilling' for a few days
local motels: "I LOVE this guy!"

Thanx to GiveLove for the format, stay or leave wasn't specific enough for me. From this angle it looks like a patience experiment gone mad.

Steve

hope2bhappy

Often there is pain with growth.

With all the mistakes I have made in my past, I often question my judgment and decisions. I think it is common to keep looking back over our shoulders as we begin to follow a new path. For me, this is where I have to put my faith and trust in God that He knows what is best for me. "For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. Sometimes, every step I take is a leap of faith.

daisies

I told my AH that I didnt have in me to give it more chance. It didnt matter if he continued to drink or became sober. I was DONE. I filed for divorce and we are in the midst of that now. It is time for me to continue my recovery.

I had asked my HP for signs that I was doing the right thing. I received many and I feel at peace with my decision.