New little poll: how many left their AH and how many stay?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Pajarito 
I have the papers but have yet to fill them out. I am also s-l-o-w. I'm having a hard time accepting this, but I know I have to.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Barbara52
It is a shame. Hmm, "grow a pair" could refer to something else. But just doesn't have the same impact.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by denny57
True, and if you grow them big enough when you're young you get to tote them on your knees in later years. :bounce
8 and i'm only 33 lol!!
[
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
OK, I can take this and go with it:
I recently had the 'ovaries' to file for divorce from my AH. When I got here back in October, I really had no intention of ever leaving. I just wanted another place to get support so I could STAY. Three months later, I can see things so much more clearly. There's simply no way to save it if he doesn't want to stop drinking. Period.
We are still living together until the divorce is final. Sometimes (when he's dry and able to see reality) we talk about the distant future. He says maybe he'll get out of denial and into recovery again, maybe we'll still be friends then, maybe.....who knows?
His parents have told me many times that, as a child, he'd always take every issue of control to the end of the line. The bitter end, before even considering turning himself around. So here we are, taking it all the way to divorce, losing the house, uprooting his son. I hope this is what he needs to get him back into recovery; for himself and his son.
As for me, maybe I won't be interested when "maybe" comes around again.
I recently had the 'ovaries' to file for divorce from my AH. When I got here back in October, I really had no intention of ever leaving. I just wanted another place to get support so I could STAY. Three months later, I can see things so much more clearly. There's simply no way to save it if he doesn't want to stop drinking. Period.
We are still living together until the divorce is final. Sometimes (when he's dry and able to see reality) we talk about the distant future. He says maybe he'll get out of denial and into recovery again, maybe we'll still be friends then, maybe.....who knows?
His parents have told me many times that, as a child, he'd always take every issue of control to the end of the line. The bitter end, before even considering turning himself around. So here we are, taking it all the way to divorce, losing the house, uprooting his son. I hope this is what he needs to get him back into recovery; for himself and his son.
As for me, maybe I won't be interested when "maybe" comes around again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 36
First and foremost, thank you for posting all the replies after mine. I respect all points of view. I'd like to point out that I used the term "apologize if I offend" not because I don't believe that everyone has the freedom to write whatever they feel or that one should not feel pride in their decisions. The reason I did this was to let you all know that I too agree that whatever choices one makes does not work in everybody else's situation. None of us are alike and my marriage is not like some described here.
First off, love has been an everlasting presence in our marriage. Second, we are best of friends and always have been. We can talk for hours even now. Third, my AH does hold a job, does not drink to excess every day, does not drink every day, is a tremendous help around the house and not a lazy ass, so let's get that straight. The thing that ticks me off is that you all talk about choices. Yes, we have choices and I'm sorry that a lot of the marriages did not work out. I truly am but to make reference to needing "balls" uh uh. Got em, don't need em. Thank you. I can stand on my own two feet. I can make my own choices. I don't need anyone here making them for me.
I can feel a lot of anger within some of these posts, particularly in the poster who stated that we shouldn't apologize for our views and that this is not high school. Cripes, I know. This is not what I'm here for nor am I here to have someone tell me to stay an it'll all work out. No need for sugar coating here. I know what I'm dealing with. I'm just trying to get through what I see as a terrible situation but I have a tremendous amount of faith and hope. I'll log on from time to time and continue to look for things that will help me, especially from those that stayed and had happy endings and if that sounds selfish, well too bad, I'm not apologizing.
First off, love has been an everlasting presence in our marriage. Second, we are best of friends and always have been. We can talk for hours even now. Third, my AH does hold a job, does not drink to excess every day, does not drink every day, is a tremendous help around the house and not a lazy ass, so let's get that straight. The thing that ticks me off is that you all talk about choices. Yes, we have choices and I'm sorry that a lot of the marriages did not work out. I truly am but to make reference to needing "balls" uh uh. Got em, don't need em. Thank you. I can stand on my own two feet. I can make my own choices. I don't need anyone here making them for me.
I can feel a lot of anger within some of these posts, particularly in the poster who stated that we shouldn't apologize for our views and that this is not high school. Cripes, I know. This is not what I'm here for nor am I here to have someone tell me to stay an it'll all work out. No need for sugar coating here. I know what I'm dealing with. I'm just trying to get through what I see as a terrible situation but I have a tremendous amount of faith and hope. I'll log on from time to time and continue to look for things that will help me, especially from those that stayed and had happy endings and if that sounds selfish, well too bad, I'm not apologizing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: spain
Posts: 8
I am still here, though christmas was exactly the sad lonely day I was dreading with all the promises..... up and down up and down. A week in the Canaries thought would be a good thing for the two of us and our two little kids, had a great time but always at the back of my mind I am always searching for signs if he has been drinking ( so not so relaxing) he is great with the kids when sober and a great husband. He is now on the Col.....??? drops so not drinking. I am trying to detach and not get my hopes up. Just stay beside him and get on with my things and my life. It seems the more I focus and talk about ¨the problem ¨ the less I spend on me and my positve directions. I am staying....... until when I dont know. I dont know what is my breaking point?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
I left.....this relationship is exhausting.
I went back
I left..... this relationship ix exhausting.
I tried to go back. He was drunk. A + B = C. Holy sh*t....he's an alcoholic. Why didn't I see this sooner? I had my suspicions...but was in denial right along with him.
I left. I ran. I ran fast and never looked back except with pity for a life wasted. Easy for me....this was a boyfriend. He has kids, I have kids....but so much easier because my life is not tied into his with kids or finances. Thank God for that. Someone is watching out for me.
I went back
I left..... this relationship ix exhausting.
I tried to go back. He was drunk. A + B = C. Holy sh*t....he's an alcoholic. Why didn't I see this sooner? I had my suspicions...but was in denial right along with him.
I left. I ran. I ran fast and never looked back except with pity for a life wasted. Easy for me....this was a boyfriend. He has kids, I have kids....but so much easier because my life is not tied into his with kids or finances. Thank God for that. Someone is watching out for me.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I spent several years trying to support him and not complaining while he spent $600+ per month on therapy and still drank.
I spent about 1.5 years telling him he had to quit drinking or things were not going to work out between us.
I spent .5 years telling him I was getting sick of coming home and finding him passed out and that if he didn't change I was going to leave him.
Then I kicked him out.
I told him that if he quit drinking I would take him back. He chose to drink and wasn't even trying very hard to hide it. He instead spent a lot of time crying and telling anyone who would listen that I was a terrible, cruel person who never loved him.
Then he got arrested for DWI #3. I tried to be supportive despite it all, but he kept trying to use it as a tool - trying to get me to pity him and let him come back home.
Then he quit drinking to save himself from jail. That's when it was over for me in a very real way. Mr. Disease could control himself when drinking was a threat to his freedom but not when it was to save our relationship.
He spent a lot of time trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad about what happened. He was the ONLY guy in his whole forced outpatient rehab whose wife had left him. I only left him cause he didn't make enough money to satisfy my greedy self (mind you we both make plenty of money). The accusations never stopped. Just recently he decided to email me to tell me that he's glad I left him cause his life is now a paradise. Yeah right.
The divorce will be final this year.
Now, after some struggles getting my own house in order, I am poised to find my new self and a new life.
I hope that all find their way thru the stormy seas of alcoholism.
I spent about 1.5 years telling him he had to quit drinking or things were not going to work out between us.
I spent .5 years telling him I was getting sick of coming home and finding him passed out and that if he didn't change I was going to leave him.
Then I kicked him out.
I told him that if he quit drinking I would take him back. He chose to drink and wasn't even trying very hard to hide it. He instead spent a lot of time crying and telling anyone who would listen that I was a terrible, cruel person who never loved him.
Then he got arrested for DWI #3. I tried to be supportive despite it all, but he kept trying to use it as a tool - trying to get me to pity him and let him come back home.
Then he quit drinking to save himself from jail. That's when it was over for me in a very real way. Mr. Disease could control himself when drinking was a threat to his freedom but not when it was to save our relationship.
He spent a lot of time trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad about what happened. He was the ONLY guy in his whole forced outpatient rehab whose wife had left him. I only left him cause he didn't make enough money to satisfy my greedy self (mind you we both make plenty of money). The accusations never stopped. Just recently he decided to email me to tell me that he's glad I left him cause his life is now a paradise. Yeah right.
The divorce will be final this year.
Now, after some struggles getting my own house in order, I am poised to find my new self and a new life.
I hope that all find their way thru the stormy seas of alcoholism.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
DF, in your very first post on this site you said your husband abuses you. He was drinking while home sick and on antibiotics. That doesn't sound like a loving bestfriends fairyland to me. My friends don't abuse me.
You have like 17 posts but you seem to think that you know everything about us. My husband was not abusive. My husband worked at a high level position. My husband did not cheat or go to bars. Mine never abused me physically or emotionally. But his drinking drove me to tears as your husband's drinking has driven you to tears.
You didn't come here for no reason. I think you are trying to back off of your original posts and thoughts because change is scary. Grow some balls and face reality cause reality is what it is, not what we wish it to be. The fact is that your husbands drinks too much too often and abuses you according to your own words. Are you going to do something about it and effect change, or are you going to pretend that it's all okay in fairyland? Who are you pretending to and what is happening in reality in the meantime?
You have like 17 posts but you seem to think that you know everything about us. My husband was not abusive. My husband worked at a high level position. My husband did not cheat or go to bars. Mine never abused me physically or emotionally. But his drinking drove me to tears as your husband's drinking has driven you to tears.
You didn't come here for no reason. I think you are trying to back off of your original posts and thoughts because change is scary. Grow some balls and face reality cause reality is what it is, not what we wish it to be. The fact is that your husbands drinks too much too often and abuses you according to your own words. Are you going to do something about it and effect change, or are you going to pretend that it's all okay in fairyland? Who are you pretending to and what is happening in reality in the meantime?
Originally Posted by darkness_falls
First and foremost, thank you for posting all the replies after mine. I respect all points of view. I'd like to point out that I used the term "apologize if I offend" not because I don't believe that everyone has the freedom to write whatever they feel or that one should not feel pride in their decisions. The reason I did this was to let you all know that I too agree that whatever choices one makes does not work in everybody else's situation. None of us are alike and my marriage is not like some described here.
First off, love has been an everlasting presence in our marriage. Second, we are best of friends and always have been. We can talk for hours even now. Third, my AH does hold a job, does not drink to excess every day, does not drink every day, is a tremendous help around the house and not a lazy ass, so let's get that straight. The thing that ticks me off is that you all talk about choices. Yes, we have choices and I'm sorry that a lot of the marriages did not work out. I truly am but to make reference to needing "balls" uh uh. Got em, don't need em. Thank you. I can stand on my own two feet. I can make my own choices. I don't need anyone here making them for me.
I can feel a lot of anger within some of these posts, particularly in the poster who stated that we shouldn't apologize for our views and that this is not high school. Cripes, I know. This is not what I'm here for nor am I here to have someone tell me to stay an it'll all work out. No need for sugar coating here. I know what I'm dealing with. I'm just trying to get through what I see as a terrible situation but I have a tremendous amount of faith and hope. I'll log on from time to time and continue to look for things that will help me, especially from those that stayed and had happy endings and if that sounds selfish, well too bad, I'm not apologizing.
First off, love has been an everlasting presence in our marriage. Second, we are best of friends and always have been. We can talk for hours even now. Third, my AH does hold a job, does not drink to excess every day, does not drink every day, is a tremendous help around the house and not a lazy ass, so let's get that straight. The thing that ticks me off is that you all talk about choices. Yes, we have choices and I'm sorry that a lot of the marriages did not work out. I truly am but to make reference to needing "balls" uh uh. Got em, don't need em. Thank you. I can stand on my own two feet. I can make my own choices. I don't need anyone here making them for me.
I can feel a lot of anger within some of these posts, particularly in the poster who stated that we shouldn't apologize for our views and that this is not high school. Cripes, I know. This is not what I'm here for nor am I here to have someone tell me to stay an it'll all work out. No need for sugar coating here. I know what I'm dealing with. I'm just trying to get through what I see as a terrible situation but I have a tremendous amount of faith and hope. I'll log on from time to time and continue to look for things that will help me, especially from those that stayed and had happy endings and if that sounds selfish, well too bad, I'm not apologizing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 36
Sorry if you misunderstood. Abuse as in alcohol abuse, not as in abusing me and I don't have concrete evidence that he was drinking while on medication. I was speculating on that and I was upset so I wrote without thinking. He doesn't go out without me EVER, doesn't pass out somewhere, doesn't DWI nor has he ever. Why do you say I seem to know everything about you? I don't WANT to know everything about anybody here.
And how am I pretending that everything is okay? And again with the "grow some balls" attitude. Please!
You grow some balls and accept the fact that there's a reason why your partner is/was drinking. Maybe you just never found out what your spouse's issues were.
You all can write whatever you want and expect that everyone including people like me are going to nod and agree with you, yet when I post my thoughts and feelings and you don't like what I say you think you can walk all over me?
No thanks. I'll find myself other supportive measures. Seriously, if you're going to post things as if you're shaking me and yelling at me to open my eyes, I don't need this boloney. Who gives you the right?
And how am I pretending that everything is okay? And again with the "grow some balls" attitude. Please!
You grow some balls and accept the fact that there's a reason why your partner is/was drinking. Maybe you just never found out what your spouse's issues were.
You all can write whatever you want and expect that everyone including people like me are going to nod and agree with you, yet when I post my thoughts and feelings and you don't like what I say you think you can walk all over me?
No thanks. I'll find myself other supportive measures. Seriously, if you're going to post things as if you're shaking me and yelling at me to open my eyes, I don't need this boloney. Who gives you the right?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
[QUOTE=darkness_falls;1631324] I apologize if I misread your first post here.
This is really one messageboard that I never wanted to use. Please, don't take offense. My AH is really about to fall I think.
He's 40 years old and alcohol has been a problem for at least the last 10 years.
I myself am at my wits' end. I don't know how I function every day.
It seems he's so different and he blames me for everything.
Abuse is there from time to time.
It just gets worse and I fear for my kids and what they're going through.
He says he's fine with divorce but I really don't want to do that.
He needs help. We all need counselling. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and I don't feel the hurt anymore.
He's 40 years old and alcohol has been a problem for at least the last 10 years.
I myself am at my wits' end. I don't know how I function every day.
It seems he's so different and he blames me for everything.
Abuse is there from time to time.
It just gets worse and I fear for my kids and what they're going through.
He says he's fine with divorce but I really don't want to do that.
He needs help. We all need counselling. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and I don't feel the hurt anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by darkness_falls
You grow some balls and accept the fact that there's a reason why your partner is/was drinking. Maybe you just never found out what your spouse's issues were.
I also know he refuses to deal with any of those issues.
I came to the point where I understood I cannot make him deal with his issues and that is his choice for his life. It make me sad that he chooses to live that way. But no, I bear no responsibility for his issues. They are not mine to own. I do not have the ability nor do I want the aility to control another adult.
Originally Posted by darkness_falls
Seriously, if you're going to post things as if you're shaking me and yelling at me to open my eyes, I don't need this boloney. Who gives you the right?
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
DF, I'm not trying to mess with you or come off as a know-it-all. I've been on these boards a long time and have seen a lot, as well as lived my own situation - that's all.
Something interesting - I've seen lots of alcoholics come to the alcoholic's board and try to post about their "issues". The other As shoot them down cold. Issues don't mean jack - in fact they are regarded as excuses. Think of the sergent in Full Metal Jacket, "Didn't mommy and daddy show you enough affection when you were a child!?" It's all immaterial all this time later. I didn't have a perfect childhood and I'm sure you didn't either, but does that mean we have permission to go around being irresponsible and treating people who love us dearly like crap whether it's overtly or covertly? NO, of course not. What makes it okay for him? Nothing but us - us lilly livered partners who are willing to coddle this behavior usually cause we want love so badly that we're willing to put up with all kinds of BS. Or we're so dependent on them that we can't leave.
So the answer is I knew plenty about his issues. I could write you an encyclopedia about them. One volume will be called "crimes committed by his mother" along with the corresponding edition "crimes committed by his father". There's a volume for each sib too. Did I mention that he had been in twice-weekly therapy with the same PhD therapist for 10 years and still didn't resolve his issues enough to get sober?
The "balls" comment - it's not yelling. Think of me more as a friend who is sitting next to you, looking into your eyes and imploring you to see how precious you and your children are. Trying to help you see that you deserve more than to be at the whims of a self-appointed tyrant. Yes, I'm sure he's nice sometimes, but you are in pain and you don't deserve it. And no one can rescue you but you. I know that because I had to rescue me. No letting down our hair so a prince can climb up and save us. Just us. And your situation is more serious because you are the sole responsible parent for some children. God bless them and you.
Now, if I were really sitting next to you I'd offer to take you to Godiva and buy you one of those fancy hot chocolates because chocolate heals all. That is an undisputable fact. And I'd smile at you and tell you you're awesome. And that you have a chocolate mustache even if you didn't cause I'm like that.
Something interesting - I've seen lots of alcoholics come to the alcoholic's board and try to post about their "issues". The other As shoot them down cold. Issues don't mean jack - in fact they are regarded as excuses. Think of the sergent in Full Metal Jacket, "Didn't mommy and daddy show you enough affection when you were a child!?" It's all immaterial all this time later. I didn't have a perfect childhood and I'm sure you didn't either, but does that mean we have permission to go around being irresponsible and treating people who love us dearly like crap whether it's overtly or covertly? NO, of course not. What makes it okay for him? Nothing but us - us lilly livered partners who are willing to coddle this behavior usually cause we want love so badly that we're willing to put up with all kinds of BS. Or we're so dependent on them that we can't leave.
So the answer is I knew plenty about his issues. I could write you an encyclopedia about them. One volume will be called "crimes committed by his mother" along with the corresponding edition "crimes committed by his father". There's a volume for each sib too. Did I mention that he had been in twice-weekly therapy with the same PhD therapist for 10 years and still didn't resolve his issues enough to get sober?
The "balls" comment - it's not yelling. Think of me more as a friend who is sitting next to you, looking into your eyes and imploring you to see how precious you and your children are. Trying to help you see that you deserve more than to be at the whims of a self-appointed tyrant. Yes, I'm sure he's nice sometimes, but you are in pain and you don't deserve it. And no one can rescue you but you. I know that because I had to rescue me. No letting down our hair so a prince can climb up and save us. Just us. And your situation is more serious because you are the sole responsible parent for some children. God bless them and you.
Now, if I were really sitting next to you I'd offer to take you to Godiva and buy you one of those fancy hot chocolates because chocolate heals all. That is an undisputable fact. And I'd smile at you and tell you you're awesome. And that you have a chocolate mustache even if you didn't cause I'm like that.
Last edited by WantsOut; 01-20-2008 at 07:47 AM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 141
I stayed. Then I left. Surely there is no-one posting on here that left at the sign of the first red flags? So, even those who left, stayed for at least some period of time.
I stayed because I thought that my love was enough. That I would be able to save him. That all he needed was someone who understood him. I left when I applied the same logic to myself, from myself. I would have stayed had he been in recovery, I think, although I now know that this was highly unlikely to happen even in the medium term.
It is all about choice, this is true. It's funny how I don't feel the need to justify the choices I make these days to anyone but myself. I find that when I am doing that, it's because I am doubting myself. It may not be the wrong choice, however I have not yet become comfortable with it. Looking at the reasoning behind the choice, and that of the other possibilities open to me, helps get a bit of clarity.
I stayed because I thought that my love was enough. That I would be able to save him. That all he needed was someone who understood him. I left when I applied the same logic to myself, from myself. I would have stayed had he been in recovery, I think, although I now know that this was highly unlikely to happen even in the medium term.
It is all about choice, this is true. It's funny how I don't feel the need to justify the choices I make these days to anyone but myself. I find that when I am doing that, it's because I am doubting myself. It may not be the wrong choice, however I have not yet become comfortable with it. Looking at the reasoning behind the choice, and that of the other possibilities open to me, helps get a bit of clarity.
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