signs of co-dependent? or he just nice?
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
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signs of co-dependent? or he just nice?
It dawned on me yesterday that my new boyfriend has the same traits as me. The same traits that have scared away some men that I have dated after the XABF. Co-dependency I think??? That overzealous need to help and care for someone else. Maybe I am wrong but I realized that too much of his thoughtfulness and desire to please me has begun to turn me off. He waits on me all the time, pays for everything, offers to buy me things like a new winter coat, scrapes the frost off my windows and starts my car when it's cold, he shovels for me, cooks for me, makes coffee, cleans up after me. He'll do just about anything I request and offers to do anything that I mention needs to be done and to be honest yes it's nice but it's also weird and uncomfortable. i've begun to feel cramped. I've begun to feel like I'm being treated like a child and low and behold I am acting like one, just like a big spoiled brat, picking fights!
I keep thinking about my XABF and in some ways miss how well we got long when things weren't f'd up. And I know this is not good for me. I know it's wrong for me to compare my new guy to an old dysfunctional relationship. And I think I am finally ready to just be alone and quit forcing myself into the dating scene where I keep getting heartbroken or break hearts.
what do you guys think?
I keep thinking about my XABF and in some ways miss how well we got long when things weren't f'd up. And I know this is not good for me. I know it's wrong for me to compare my new guy to an old dysfunctional relationship. And I think I am finally ready to just be alone and quit forcing myself into the dating scene where I keep getting heartbroken or break hearts.
what do you guys think?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I think I love your new boyfriend!
Maybe you just aren't used to being spoiled by a man? I think as long as he isn't clinging or smothering or coming on too strong too fast (I read somewhere that that is the sign of a possible abuser) or checking up on you, he sounds like a "normal" guy who knows how to treat a lady like, well, a lady
Could being codependent make you feel like this is "weird" behavior, when in reality, it's normal?
Maybe you just aren't used to being spoiled by a man? I think as long as he isn't clinging or smothering or coming on too strong too fast (I read somewhere that that is the sign of a possible abuser) or checking up on you, he sounds like a "normal" guy who knows how to treat a lady like, well, a lady
Could being codependent make you feel like this is "weird" behavior, when in reality, it's normal?
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
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Do what you need to do for YOU......I too am afraid of what the next relationship will be like. And I don't know what it would be like to be waited on hand and foot but like you I don't think I would enjoy it all that much....well....maybe at the beginning....lol But not for long. We codies have a much too big of need to do all those things for others and I for one would feel like a fish out of water.....
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peachtree I DON'T KNOW
I do know that we've had many many little arguments and I sometimes feel like his kindness and spoiling is the only thing keeping me from giving up. I can't even really tell you what arguments are about. they are so insignificant. It's often me just being rude or bold in my expressions.
He did come on too fast though. Our second date he gave me a card and flowers and asked me to his company Christmas party which at the time was 2 months away. I did get really freaked at this behaviour. He has also not had a girlfriend in 12 years.
I wrote about some of his in my last post. I know it's not that relevant to alcoholism. But I do feel that I'm still pretty damaged from the relationship with XABF. So I am uncertain how clearly I can see things. I hung in with the XABF for years and tolerated such awful behavior and now I'm giving up on a great nice guy??? what is wrong with me.
I do know that we've had many many little arguments and I sometimes feel like his kindness and spoiling is the only thing keeping me from giving up. I can't even really tell you what arguments are about. they are so insignificant. It's often me just being rude or bold in my expressions.
He did come on too fast though. Our second date he gave me a card and flowers and asked me to his company Christmas party which at the time was 2 months away. I did get really freaked at this behaviour. He has also not had a girlfriend in 12 years.
I wrote about some of his in my last post. I know it's not that relevant to alcoholism. But I do feel that I'm still pretty damaged from the relationship with XABF. So I am uncertain how clearly I can see things. I hung in with the XABF for years and tolerated such awful behavior and now I'm giving up on a great nice guy??? what is wrong with me.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
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Since your last relationship was so dysfunctional, I wonder if the reason you feel uncomfortable with all this kind attention is because you don't feel like you deserve it. Then you look for ways to pick it apart, such as, is he a co-dependent? There must be something wrong with him, right? Why else would he want to be nice to you, right? You are probably not used to it, because you had to play caretaker for so long -- taking care of your A, as well as yourself.
Well, you certainly deserve it. Give yourself (and Mr. New-guy) a break. He sounds really wonderful. Enjoy being babied.
Well, you certainly deserve it. Give yourself (and Mr. New-guy) a break. He sounds really wonderful. Enjoy being babied.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Somewhere out there
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For what it is worth....
I am sort of going thru the same thing. It is CRAZY! I know this guy is a good guy. I know that he has my interest at heart. But their is a fierce independent side of me that doesn't want anyone or doesn't need anyone. I think that is my safety.
I just had to tell him to slow his roll way down. I figured I am worth asking for what I want (this is new for me) and he is totally complying. I told him that I look forward to starting to date him and going slow. A while back we were talking about getting married and living together...AHHHHH no wonder I couldn'd sleep at night. I told him that after my divorce I have a real need to buy my own house and have my refuge. I may have my little sister live with me as she is just finishing her teaching MA and I would like to help her out as she gets on her feet (she is 22 and I am 37).
This guy is still there after I make requests for what I need/want he allows me to do that. I have never had that before. With my X it was his way or the highway...I am not too used to being treated nicely. I just prayed for guidance. I have always wanted the kind of life a nice guy would share with me.
Good luck, I know it is awkward getting used to!
H
I just had to tell him to slow his roll way down. I figured I am worth asking for what I want (this is new for me) and he is totally complying. I told him that I look forward to starting to date him and going slow. A while back we were talking about getting married and living together...AHHHHH no wonder I couldn'd sleep at night. I told him that after my divorce I have a real need to buy my own house and have my refuge. I may have my little sister live with me as she is just finishing her teaching MA and I would like to help her out as she gets on her feet (she is 22 and I am 37).
This guy is still there after I make requests for what I need/want he allows me to do that. I have never had that before. With my X it was his way or the highway...I am not too used to being treated nicely. I just prayed for guidance. I have always wanted the kind of life a nice guy would share with me.
Good luck, I know it is awkward getting used to!
H
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Originally Posted by hope2bhappy 
Since your last relationship was so dysfunctional, I wonder if the reason you feel uncomfortable with all this kind attention is because you don't feel like you deserve it. Then you look for ways to pick it apart, such as, is he a co-dependent? There must be something wrong with him, right? Why else would he want to be nice to you, right? You are probably not used to it, because you had to play caretaker for so long -- taking care of your A, as well as yourself.
Well, you certainly deserve it. Give yourself (and Mr. New-guy) a break. He sounds really wonderful. Enjoy being babied.
Well, you certainly deserve it. Give yourself (and Mr. New-guy) a break. He sounds really wonderful. Enjoy being babied.
I say go with the flow, see what happens!! hey, what's the worst that could happen, you fall in love with a great person!! 
p.s. you mentioned about going back with your ex in that dysfunctional relationship, as you know, my ex went back to his previous dysfunction with his ex, i was that good person that was given up on. It stinks, enjoy this new guy, he sounds great!!!
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Join Date: May 2005
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Nochoice,
wow it's amazing that what you're going through in emotions is so similar to me. See i already have my own house and I feel for the first time very protective of that. This new guy is so willing to share his beautiful house with me and even hoped that one day we could pool our money and assets together and get one very cool house. He wants children someday. He has everything to offer that i thought I always wanted. Now that I have it at my fingertips I'm pushing it away.
I may have pushed it too far last night. I was rude to him, he tried to apologize and question why i act this way but instead of talking I left his house and we haven't spoken since. you guys are helping me...I think I need to at least apologize to him.
wow it's amazing that what you're going through in emotions is so similar to me. See i already have my own house and I feel for the first time very protective of that. This new guy is so willing to share his beautiful house with me and even hoped that one day we could pool our money and assets together and get one very cool house. He wants children someday. He has everything to offer that i thought I always wanted. Now that I have it at my fingertips I'm pushing it away.
I may have pushed it too far last night. I was rude to him, he tried to apologize and question why i act this way but instead of talking I left his house and we haven't spoken since. you guys are helping me...I think I need to at least apologize to him.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Apologies are nice!
Yeah this guy wants to pool our dough and buy a house together right down town. I strongly feel that I need to buy my own house again and set it up the way I want it post divorce. He is a great guy. He manages a bike store and I love bicycles...he keeps wanting to buy me bikes and gear and stuff. I just want to be! That is all.
I wrote down a long list of priorities and I shared them with him. I am usually a black and white all or nothing kind of person. I am learning the beauty of the gray! I can take all the time I need with my life, decisions, space, etc...if it works out with him ok, if not, I will not have abandoned me for someone else...I usually do that!
So now he knows my priorities and I am at liberty to do my thing. I look forward to being a girlfriend maybe...if it works out but more importantly, I look forward to being me.
My mom said "you have always liked to be doted over, this guy seems to want to dote over you, is that so bad?" no-- she is right too!
Hang in there sister!
Yeah this guy wants to pool our dough and buy a house together right down town. I strongly feel that I need to buy my own house again and set it up the way I want it post divorce. He is a great guy. He manages a bike store and I love bicycles...he keeps wanting to buy me bikes and gear and stuff. I just want to be! That is all.
I wrote down a long list of priorities and I shared them with him. I am usually a black and white all or nothing kind of person. I am learning the beauty of the gray! I can take all the time I need with my life, decisions, space, etc...if it works out with him ok, if not, I will not have abandoned me for someone else...I usually do that!
So now he knows my priorities and I am at liberty to do my thing. I look forward to being a girlfriend maybe...if it works out but more importantly, I look forward to being me.
My mom said "you have always liked to be doted over, this guy seems to want to dote over you, is that so bad?" no-- she is right too!
Hang in there sister!
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
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Well - there's someone who will do things for you and treat you nice and with respect...then there's codependency.
If it's uncomfortable for you, ask him to back off. There's nothing wrong with asking and setting a boundary and if he's willing to do anything for you, like you said, he'll respect your feelings and wishes.
Why be uncomfortable in a relationship?
Does he exhibit codie tendencies? Does he do for you at the cost of himself? Does he try to be responsible for you? I don't think I could stand being in a relationship with someone who is extremely codependent.
One the one hand, there's someone who will go over the moon for you.
On the other, there's someone who is not taking care of himself and eventually will turn resentment out to people they've "helped" when things don't go their way. As a recovering codependent, that's what I've done in the past and working hard to change. I don't want someone to think they are responsible for me or my happiness - it's not healthy.
I can't grow as a human being if I let someone else be responsible for me and everything I do.
I also bought a house as a single woman. You can't get 5% interest on a mortgage anymore! I can still get a big house with my future man and keep the one I now live in - there are many options (like renting my house) that will protect me in the future - and make me some money as well.
If it's uncomfortable for you, ask him to back off. There's nothing wrong with asking and setting a boundary and if he's willing to do anything for you, like you said, he'll respect your feelings and wishes.
Why be uncomfortable in a relationship?
Does he exhibit codie tendencies? Does he do for you at the cost of himself? Does he try to be responsible for you? I don't think I could stand being in a relationship with someone who is extremely codependent.
One the one hand, there's someone who will go over the moon for you.
On the other, there's someone who is not taking care of himself and eventually will turn resentment out to people they've "helped" when things don't go their way. As a recovering codependent, that's what I've done in the past and working hard to change. I don't want someone to think they are responsible for me or my happiness - it's not healthy.
I can't grow as a human being if I let someone else be responsible for me and everything I do.
I also bought a house as a single woman. You can't get 5% interest on a mortgage anymore! I can still get a big house with my future man and keep the one I now live in - there are many options (like renting my house) that will protect me in the future - and make me some money as well.
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