ARealLady

In the space of a little more than a week, two different and unrelated people asked me if I had been "fair" to break off with XABF. Both told me that it didn't seem very "friendly" to leave him "all alone" in his time of need.

Once I would have immediately started wondering if I had been harsh. Once I would have felt I had to explain everything in great detail so as to rationalize my choices. I felt slightly uncomfortable for a couple of seconds but then I was able to calmly say "I needed to do this for me." I believed what I was saying, I felt at peace and the conversation was able to take a healthier direction.

Then I started to think about times on this board and in the real world when I have tried to tell people what to do thinking that I could force them to see the light, mend their ways, change for the better etc etc. Telling people what to do is never helpful. I remember how horrible I used to feel when they tried to tell me what was best for me. Each person has to find his/her own way to a place which feels comfortable for them where they believe in the choices they have made. Their choices might not be my choices but they are not wrong choices because they are different.

ARL

ICU

You know you've done good, for yourself, when you feel at peace with your decisions.


It certainly is a learning process. Not everyone is on the same page, or place, in their recovery. I'm learning the art of saying it once, and not pushing my opinion (admittedly I still have further work to do on that). I like to refer to that as 'planting a seed' as some people had done with me in my earlier pre-recovery days. I appreciated their approach...it's all in the presentation!

Good share ARealLady!

ARealLady

You know you've done good, for yourself, when you feel at peace with your decisions.



It doesn't mean that I don't backslide! This whole process is "one day at a time" for us too. But it feels like it is getting easier.

ARL

DII

I am struggling with the same issues! My AW will be sober for 3-4 months and I feel the pressure to take her back. "Am I punishing her now?" Others start to judge us when our A's are healthy. I can't tell you how many times I've heard how good she's doing, how hard she's working, how much she misses me and the kids. But we know......it's not quite right yet. It's still working it's way with her. LISTEN to that voice....it's there but so soft sometimes. The best whay to hear the voice is with your ears AND with your eyes. Actions speak a lot louder than words. Trust your that voice!

hope2bhappy

Why don't you invite your friends to an Alanon meeting. Sounds like they could use a little enlightening.

ARealLady

Why don't you invite your friends to an Alanon meeting. Sounds like they could use a little enlightening.

Who me?

Well, first of all I don't attend Alanon. I discovered more about who I was by reading about co-dependency, detaching and boundary setting. And reading on SR has certainly confirmed much of what I had read elsewhere.

Secondly, I will admit there was a time until pretty recently when I would try to enlighten people around me by suggesting they read Melody Beattie but, again, you can't force it. And then part of my learning has been the "letting go". I ask myself if it is up to me to show others the way....I don't think it is unless they ask, of course!

ARL

nowinsituation

That is where I am right now -- I am going to practice your answer "I needed to do this for me." Leave it at that; if they want to judge me that's something I can't control. Thanks.

hope2bhappy

Me either. I was being sarcastic.

Disclaimer to previous statement: Alanon is a wonderful program that works for many people. I always try to encourage people to explore this avenue of recovery. It is entirely up to the individual to choose to go, or not.

peaceteach

Sometimes you lose a few friends in the process of divorce/separation/break-up from your alcoholic. You certainly can lose HIS family as friends, which is also sad. At least you don't lose yourself, but rather find yourself again... When you feel doubt by these comments, remind yourself that A's are very good at "spreading themselves out" around other people with their shenanigans. No one but you knows how constant and progressive their disease has gotten, particularly if you are a chief codie who has covered up much of the trauma so others don't know! They didn't have to live with the person. They don't have a clue how much you've witnessed, how hard it is to watch a loved one destroy themselves, or how much they pull you under with them if you allow it. Stand strong, and know that you are doing right by yourself. I think God would want you to do that for YOU, no matter what anyone else thinks.

tollbooth

OMFG, thanx Peaceteach for posting this!

My perspective is that at least I have identified myself as a codie, whereas my disappearing "friends" have only solidified their ignorance towards that function. They might no longer come a'calling, and defiantly stand beside their A-compadre. But I understand that my decision was ultimately the right one for me.

ARL, trying to explain my decision to these people only served to make me look bitter, resentfull, and on a "smear campaign" to cast the A into a negative light. Often times I regretted the fact I did not openly divulge the xagf's tirades, but now understand I did it because of a distorted view of love and caring (i.e. the ultimate codependent trait).