hope2bhappy

My AH (in recovery for 60+ days) threw the biggest tantrum last night about the smallest thing. He got SO angry with me. He threw his bed pillow at me, stormed out of the bedroom, slamming doors and making a lot of noise in the kitchen like he was breaking china, or something (but nothing was broken). He slept in his recliner all night. This morning, he left the house at 6:00 to go to work (an hour early), and didn't even say goodbye.

In the 22 years I have known this man -- drunk or sober -- he has NEVER been this angry, this rude to me or behaved this badly. The way he was stomping around and tossing things around, I would characterize as violent. He completely over-reacted. I don't know where this came from. This guy doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He's generally happy and cheerful and loving. He has completely thrown himself into his program and his recovery. Was proud to receive his 60 day chip at AA last night. Then BAMM... out of the blue.

His behavior hurt my feelings and has really pissed me off. Today, I've slipped, and I feel really bad about myself. And this only makes me angrier. I want to say to him... how dare you treat me this way... after all the years I've hung in there and stood by you... don't you EVER treat me with less respect than I deserve!!!

I don't even want to look at him right now. I'm not going home straight from work just so I won't have to see him.

Golfman

As an alcoholic, I've been through this myself. He's probably still very Pi55sed off that he can't drink. Either that, or his true feelings are starting to surface and he donesn't like what he sees about himself. Any way you slice it, you don't have to be there on the receiving end. You do deserve to be treated with respect. If he doesn't sincerely apoligize for his actions, keep his a55 out.


Yours in sobriety,
Ed

Nuudawn

After about 20 years of drinking, it was early on in sobriety that I realized that I had absolutely no coping mechanisms. I drank through everything. My emotional landscape was and still is at almost 4 months sober...completely foreign territory. It is very common for anger to bubble up in early sobriety...as Golfman noted...lots of things surface. I cried almost non-stop around 2 month mark.
I imagine your husband feels like a complete arse today for the outburst. It's about him...not you. I do not mean that as way of diminishing his inappropriate behaviour towards you..but please don't take it personally. An apology and amends to you is integral to his sobriety...I would be surprised if you don't get one.

harleygirl92156

So we get the myrter hat out and put it on....that ususally helps????

I'm not going home straight from work just so I won't have to see him.[/QUOTE]

So he worries about where you are and has no idea if you are ok or not. That is a game we all have played at one time or another.......it isn't going to benefit either of you.

My guess is he left early because he was ashamed of how he acted and couldn't face you just yet. I would also bet you get an apology and at that time you can make your point about the respect you deserve and you do deserve it.

Keep your dignity, take off they myrter hat and don't play games, give yourself respect by acting in an adult manner.

Over_It

I think that Nuudawn definitely touched on something big noting that after numbing-out for so long, dealing with feelings (rather than stifling them) is something new. It's also learned. Boundaries are so good, because in the meantime you don't want to get trampled on. He can have his feelings - they are seperate from you. That's awesome that you have boundaries for how you are to be treated. Since he's sober and working his program and you are too, you'll hopefully both be able to make amends and own your parts and hence restore the peace and bond between you. I hope.

This weekend I visited my AH (family time at rehab) and some little thing I did set him off and he responded to it immediately. I felt he overreacted and I was hurt by what I perceived as the dramatic response... BUT, I am soooo glad he's learning to verbalize rather than internalize and then numb-out with booze.

This will be an intense learning time for our family as we each learn to become more emotionally honest, set and respect boundaries, and let go of control of the each other's actions and emotions. Hopefully we eventually figure out how to respond, rather than react, with truth, finess and compassion to each other.

But, for a while it's going to probably be akward and clunky. I'd rather have akward and clunky than fake and smooth.

hope2bhappy

Those of us in alcoholic marriages who decide to "stand and fight" and weather the storm... I don't know if we are martyrs or just plain stupid. But when things like this happen, I just want to say, "Hey! Where's MY chip?" Maybe I'm whining... or maybe I just need a little validation and recognition every now and then. Positive reinforcement works for me, just as it does for him. I'm not shy about asking for it.

I'm 54, not 16. I'm not avoiding him so that he will worry about me (I don't think he would, anyway). I'm delaying my arrival home until he leaves to go to his AA meeting. I don't care to be around him right now.

MsGolightly

that's understandable, hope. he probably wouldn't worry about you, as sad as that might be! but oh well, you've got yourself to take care of, so if you want to delay coming home, i say go for it. do whatever you want to do that'll make you happier.

parentrecovers

it's good to give yourself the space, you deserve your recovery time also. patience...and blessings, k

Zoey

If you weren't hurt would you call and tell him you would be late and see him after his meeting?

Why not call and say you need a time out and maybe he does too. ???

Just something that crossed my mind. Harleygirl mentioned games, that is what triggered that thought. I played games and I lied.

In my opinion everyone needs a time out once in a while.
He just might not make an amend this time, 60 days is not very long, he maybe thinks you should understand how miserable he is. We can't feel others pain, tireness, frustrations etc.

I want the best for you both.

I think we could get away with a lot more when they were drinking, we worried all the time and gave up fun things, but they didn't notice much, and forgot lots of things. Again just me. Take what you can use!

Nuudawn

When I look back at my last relationship..I realize I was queen of the silent treatment and passive agressive punishment. It would be incredibly assertive of you to give him a call or leave a note/message that you will be late...let him know you are upset about what transpired last night and need a little down time to process. This is proactive rather than reactive. You are giving yourself the space you need to emotionally come down..so to speak. You are giving respect to yourself and to him.

chero

H2H, I've taken the long way home before just to be alone. Just to not have to deal. I don't think you owe him an explanation. If he calls worried, answer the phone. Mine never called but by the time I got home I felt better.

Sunflower

maybe you should say that to him!!!!...he just wants a drink--my AS was angry for a while in the beginning---frustrated mostly he tells me that he let this happen to him and now has to deal with it his whole life----baby steps

chero

What was that quote somebody said the other day?? Baby steps will still get you where you're going?? Something like that. I thought it was so good!

itiswhatitis...

hope,

i understand completely what you're saying and you're right - why does a grown man throw a tantrum? - i'm not a martyr when i get pissed off - i'm pissed off and acting as honest as i need to be - it makes me feel better - i experienced the same thing you did hope, on sunday, husband was being a jerk, i told him he was a sh*Thead and then i told him all the reasons why - he threw a tantrum - he came downstairs and slept on the couch - the next morning he apologized for losing his temper and we actually had a good conversation - the things i said to him the night before sunk in and for the first time i was rational and not angry and said things that meant something - not just angry crap - i meant what i said - it was a good thing - and i'm allowed to be pissed off when i want to - that's not martyrdom - that's being a human being...

in love and understanding,
s

Golfman

grown men are idiots. I ought to know, I am one.

nogard

Hi my name is Kevin and I am an addict in recovery.

I remember the early days, wanting to not be so exposed and feel so edgy. One moment ok and the next I would snap at someone. Also milestones can bring things into sharper focus and whilst the sobriety is good not everything we feel at these moments is great or easy for us to understand.

I hope your both ok. Hang in there (((h2bh)))

Sunflower

I Love hearing from you guys in recovery PLEASE keep posting--It helps me sooooo much......

tomuch2handle

hope2bhappy - Can you post an update to this situation?? What happened when you got home and is your AH still on the wagon?

P.S. If it means anything....I think you deserve a BIG chip!!

daisies

I feel like I could have written your post. My AH has been throwing temper tantrums since he stopped drinking nearly 4 months ago. I wish now that I would have asked him to move out when he stopped drinking. My AH is not attending AA on a regular basis and it has been a roller coaster. The last 4 months have been awful as I feel like he is treating me and the kids like crap. Well, I have had it and now filed for divorce. He moved out last week and my life is somewhat peaceful for the first time in 15 years.

I wish you the best. I truly hope your AH is sorry for his actions and apologizes. You deserve that. My AH will not apologize for his actions.

DII

Very common feelings...at least I can relate. Sometimes I feel the same way. What about me? I'm the one working 60 hours a week. Taking care of two teenage boys, two dogs etc. while she get's depressed about the current state of her DUI case and the fact that she is living away from home and renting a room. I agree......where's my chip! But.....I go back to ME. I control my happiness and I'm doing all this well.