denny57

That is the gift detachment gave to me - it allowed me to see I had no relationship at all - just one I was struggling, alone, to maintain.

Lilyflower

You said it 'Codependents leave', they leave as codependents because they still take on board another persons problem. So yeah, if you don't heal yourself and get over codependency you will eventually leave hurting hard, because you left yourself no other avenue.

Pajarito

Thank you denny- You are one of the many amazing reasons I come here.

Lilyflower

[QUOTE=Pajarito;1630437]You can detach with the best of them, but then what kind of relationship do you have? That was my biggest struggle. QUOTE]

I found that when I detatched with love from my abf that most of the choas in our relationship was coming from me. Abf would get drunk but it was ME who started the rows with him over the drink, it was ME who continually nagged at him to stop/cutdown/get help. It was ME who believed because abf couldn't heal himself as quickly as I WANTED HIM to he DIDN'T LOVE ME. It was me who treated abf like a child, taking control over all the household jobs and responsibilities. Now I have begun to treat abf like an adult who does actually have a brain and a heart that is hurting, we communicate better, respect each other more and we are healing. Abf is doing very well his sober days far out weigh his drunk ones, he has approached doctors and AA for help and I begin to see the beautiful man I fell in love with 4 years ago. I am becoming less controlling, more independent and less clingy to abf, I feel more confident in me, our relationship and the future.

Lily xxxxxxxxxx

denny57

yep, detachment allows us to see OURSELVES and make the best choices. IMO detachment should not be equated to leaving.

lovtolaff

This is where I get lost sometimes....how do I detach from someone that feels he isn't doing anything wrong? How do I detach and still have a loving relationship?

Another thing - I feel like when I tell him I'm thinking of going to an Alanon meeting - the feces is going to hit the fan because he's going to want to know "why" since he doesn't have a drinking problem. How do you handle that? How do we keep from arguing about this constantly?

shakarris

All I can tell you is what it did for me - the A in my life is chronic, nasty and abusive - and he has no problem ( SO HE SAYS ) BUT the alcohol he is consuming bugs me, I have a problem with his drinking if he doesn't |Alanon is for me to figure my stuff out and not his - it is about me,me, me

I am still new to it all but I know that I am learning eberyday from Alanon and this site- I have a long way to go but have the patience and time to do it right

we are not staying together as he does not seem to like the new stronger me but guess what - i do not care

shakarris

lovtolaff

So if he wants to know WHY I feel the need to go to Alanon - it's simply because I need to work on me?!

Ya know - this is exactly how I see this working out in my life too. We are already fighting over the "new" me which is the me that is tired of watching you drink your damn life away and the me that doesn't just keep her mouth shut when you mouth off to her.

And your "but guess what - I do not care" - ha ha that made me chuckle. Good for you.

shakarris

pretty much - when i was asked i just said we have discussed how I feel about your drinking - but it really is not about that I need to learn how to react/ not react differently. Alanon and the people there understand how I feel, my frustration, my desparation my loniless - you don't and that is okay too - but I have a right to feel good about me - dispite what you think

that was a few months ago.. and it has progressed to all out nastiness but again - just as I cannot control how he is ... he is no longer controlling how I am. I sat and listened to his crap for far too long.. when I stopped doing that - it made him madder than i have ever seen - just told me that |i really do not matter - my feelings do not matter ... all that matters - is there beer in the fridge!!! he can kiss my butt

sorry but today all he has put me through is coming to a head.. all I can tell you is that you have to look after you.. in the end you are the one that counts

shakarris

lovtolaff

Yep. Welcome to my life. I'm pretty much sick of it and especially tired of watching him night after night - drink and stare off into space - like he's reliving the past in his mind or pondering on something life changing. Oh and don't forget the hatefulness and snipey-ness that comes later.

Dang - I don't even want to go home now....and it's MY house.

shakarris

lovtolaff, I know what you are saying but I have to tell you that until I started taking all the advice I read here, listened to the people share at Alanon .. I only existed. Even though we are somewhat together - him in his 5th wheel, less than 20 feet away- me in the house till I figure out where to go/ what I want - I just do not care.

Do I care about him - yes i do, am I saddened my the loss of my dream big time - but you know he does not care enough about himself for me to keep putting my energy into him.. all it does is drain me - and quite frankly I have better things to do than worry about him .. my bathroom floor needed to be waxed - I did it - then I made myself a nice lunch and ate it.. now I am going shopping .. and maybe even for a beer.. cause I can

shakarris

Barbara52

That happened to me too and was the beginning of the end for me. My home needs to be my refuge from the outside world. My home needs to be where I can relax, enjoy life, and recharge my batteries.

It wasn't that palce for at least the last year before I left because home then meant going back to the place where my AH was drunk everyday, sat on his big butt doing nothing everyday, contributed nothing to our relationship or the househodl in general, a place where I was alternately angry, embarassed, depressed, etc. I dreaded coming home to finding AH on his way to another drunk night. I dreaded coming home to the resentment that was always there toward the man who was supposed to be my life partner but who seemed to think there was nothing wrong with being unemployed and being drunk daily. He wasn't abusive to me in anyway but he verbally abused his daughters on the rare occassions they were around.

I decided I couldn't live like that anymore, that I deserved more than what I had, that he had abandonned our marriage a couple of years ago.

Within days of leaving I started feeling like the real me again and was feeling the peace that I need in my life.

I'm not telling you that you have to leave to enjoy a better life, just telling my story. Only you can decide what you want and are willing to put up with. I decided I wanted much more than what I had. For me it was the best decision I could have made. I never should have gotten involved with let alone married that man. But those are my issues to work on now to make sure I never make such a mistake again.

One more thing. I still care about him although I do not love him. I would love to find out that he is finally admitting to his alcoholism and working toward recovery. He has potential to be a much better man than he is now. But my staying wasn't helping him either since I was enabling his behaviors and choices byu protecting him from the consequences. Now the normal life consequences may lead him to look at himself. Or not.

denny57

I go to Al-Anon for me. The alcoholic hasn't been in my life for over 2 years. I still go and owe no one an explanation as to why. I've certainly learned that I don't report to a significant other as a child would. The men I know now treat me as an adult and never, ever question the choices I make for myself. They RESPECT me.

lovtolaff

Well I called the Alanon number yesterday to find a meeting close by. I'm not sure when I'll go but I think it's a big step that I even called. Now I know when/where/what time they are having them and will seriously consider going to one. My best friend told me she would be happy to go with me.

Oh and I'm focusing more on ME and my new healthy lifestyle I've adopted for the New Year (won't call it a diet - that's a four letter word).

After posting and reading here yesterday - for some reason I felt different/stronger and went home with a good attitude and bf noticed and actually seemed a little worried. I'm going to focus more on ME and less on HIM.

Again - many many thanks to EVERYONE for replying to my original thread.

Lilyflower

Detatching for me is about learning that if he is drinking and causing chaos in his life, you do not have to become part of the chaos too. You can detach even if your A thinks he's perfectly fine, it is about changing your approach to the situation, your attitude and reactions to his problem. It is possible to still love them because by letting go of the 'needing to fix everything' you also release the tension, frustration and anger that wells up inside when you feel YOU cannot change him, help him or get through to him. The lesson I learnt when detaching is that it is not my problem, when he drinks it doesn't make me drunk/ill/abusive. The situation in our home only deteriorated when I got mad, sulked, with held my feelings or on the flip side, launched a verbal attack against him.

Simple- he doesn't need to know. You don't need his permission to go, nor his understanding. Al anon is about healing you, when he's ready AA will be there for him.

Arguements need two people. He cannot argue alone. Walk away from him, go out somewhere if he follows you around yelling. Find alternative ways to release your tension, yoga, meditation or something simple like listening to music.

Lily xxxxxxxxx

Pajarito

lovetolaff- I started going to alanon 2 years ago- dragged myself there, crabby, resentful. WHY do I have to go? He's the sick one. And boy did my AH put up a fuss- I was joining a "cult", being indoctrinated- as if I couldn't think for myself. But I went- thinking I might glean something from it- some clue as how to change my AH- how to get him to quit drinking and find the man I married. Well, lo and behold- a year into it I started to realize that what I was learning were tools for living MY life in a better way. What I am taking from my meetings is friendship, connections with people who understand the hell of this situation, some things to think about for myself and my behavior. I would say that anyone, affected by alcohol or not, can benefit. BTW- there are a few alcoholics who go as well, and they offer great insight. My AH and I are divorcing, but I will continue to go- for myself.

lovtolaff

Ha ha - yeah that's me. I tell myself sometimes - if I'd just get RID of HIM than I wouldn't need to go to any meetings dammit! But from what I understand - I'm sure I could benefit from the alanon meeting with or without him as I am a co-dependent thru and thru.

FormerDoormat

When I joined this forum, I learned two things:

In order to improve the quality of my life, I needed to end my relationship with my boyfriend AND I needed to attend Alanon. My problems didn't begin with my AB. They began in my childhood with a lack of self esteem, a need to please others, and a tendency to accept unacceptable behavior.

So, ending my relationship didn't fix these underlying problems. Alanon and SR helped me identify and address my shortcomings, so hopefully I won't repeat these unhealthy behaviors in the future.

Hazel1969

Hi,Im new here and for the past two days, i have read and can relate to everyone here. I too feel very helpless and fustrated with my agf and at my wits end. i did not realize there were so many people that feel like I do. I just don"t know if I have the courage to go to a meeting yet.

Lilyflower

Hi Hazel and welcome,

The great thing about Al-anon is that they do not make judgements about people who go there, it is simply another place to go for support for you, just like SR.

Lily xxxxxxx